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THE BOOK OF GOOD 
MANNERS 


A GUIDE TO POLITE USAGE FOR 
ALL SOCIAL FUNCTIONS 


By 
VICTOR H. DIESCHER 





SOCIAL CULTURE PUBLICATIONS 
151 FIFTH AVENUE : NEW YORK 


ee Copyright 1923, sf pi 
_ Sota CULTURE PUBLICATIONS 
Mae ; (MANUFACTURED IN U. 3. 


ais 


m0,¥ Wea i Kies a 





Oa RICA 


With the purpose of democratizing, as it were, 
the subject of etiquette and making its laws un- 
derstandable and applicable to the daily life of 
the every-day man and woman by giving greater 
prominence to the basic elements of good man- 
ners, rather than the elaboration of circumstances 
never met with by people who resort to a book 
of etiquette for the purpose of improving their 
knowledge of what constitutes correct form, this 
work is sincerely dedicated. Correct procedure 
for those formal occasions which most anyone is 
likely at any time to attend are herein set forth, 
as well as that for the most elaborate functions. 
It has been endeavored to cover all details of 
good manners, as to rule and application. In how 
great a measure this purpose has been accom- 
plished, time and practical use can only disclose; 
but if the desire of the readers to improve their 
understanding of good manners is in any degree 
enhanced by the use of this volume, in such 
degree will be repaid the effort of compiling 
the work. 

Vo He. D: 


ill 





CONTENTS 


PART | 
Goop MANNERS IN DatLty LIFE 
CHAPTER I 
THe Home 


eS PLOT SE wo) iaiiais (ha lliten el ies eet ele 
rw Mabie OF THE} LRUE HOME, vi. ee ee 


Re eer E THE LIOME.! ) cue. Ne Piel) Tew ele bl eye 
Perera TANG IKERVERENCE 10) ee ee te ete 
PIRIECUR EMO DH EC EOM BD. at Cre er ge we glu 
CHAPTER II 
Goop MANNERS FOR CHILDREN 
MPTP AT, (AL ATCT i | leh ra ge Ak a 
Pere enren Lise OF THE FORK SO fo go Se oe eb. 
MME IC A NETD SOR I Sin bart gh we ees Meu 
IRM ee oP ic Gh gh antl SA RIN MEL Se 8 1 in 
ER USS VA iN a Pe He emote ANE 
OTHER TABLE MATTERS FOR Caer ahey Pas aeC MB Yh ari eae 


Quietness at Table—Talking at Table 


Seem MERSIN CHILDREN 64 oa tel diay ley he heli elle 
Obedience—Courtesy and Respect—Courteous Speech 


CHUMREN DAT OIARTERNOON TEAS 3 Os ek fs 
CHILDREN’S ParTIES . ‘ 
Invitations—The Birthday Pacey ert ip ayia Guest 
Receiving the Young Guests—Departure of the Young 
Guests 
Ve 


PAGE 


cost Aw & 


17 
18 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER III 


Goop MANNERS FoR Grown-Ups—A WEEK END at Home 


THe DiInNER Hover . 
Tue INFORMAL INVITATIONS. 
THE INFORMAL NOovTE oF AR CORS or ‘REGRETS Fae. 
THe INVITATION BY TELEPHONE. . 
THE Note or Apotocgy . . . Aan” 
THE Impromptu INVITATION AND Rew 
THE INTRODUCTION BY LETTER. 

ARRIVAL AND RECEPTION OF GUESTS . 
THE DreEssING Rooms 

ANNOUNCING THE PARTNERS 

THe WEEK-END GUEST. 

THe TrmE-ALLOWANCE 

Tue Se_r-MApE INTRODUCTION. 


INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP. . . . e« « « « 
ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER SAS ae ae aa 
PLACE CARDS: 3 08 eu Ys a a et 
SEATING 0 ey aa eR URaigt ig) 
WHEN TO BE ra Ce 3) RON aay eee att) a Ve Snleelaneg a 
THE TABLE SETTING! ¢ gouin oe ania we ete a tpye ke eee 


SETTING THE PLACES . c é 
THE SitveErR—How to KEEP ie Baiieee, Ves Aaa te 
Do's: AnD Dont’s IN TABLE ) SETTING: Ol 0iey wie 
NEMO i ante 


The Balanced Meta 


. . * e e e 2 . e s 


Correct SERVICE OF DINNER. ... he dat rile 


The Order of Service—The Bese Besse Plate—The 
Exchange Plate—Manner of Presenting and Removy- 
ing Dishes and Utensils—Dinner Rolls or Bread— 
Butter—The Table-Service Wagon—The Serving Table 
—Presenting Dishes—Filling Glasses—Glasses and 
Their Contents—Clearing Table for Dessert 

DESSERTS Fh hrent ven enae 

DESSERT SERVICE . . . 


PAGE 
24 
25 
26 
27 
28 
29 


50 
51 


CONTENTS 


SAG St oa a I 
THE Fincer Bowt. 
Use of the Finger Bowecrincer Sonl Doilies 
CARVING ON THE TABLE. : 
Host anp Hostess . 5 
When Accidents ec ihe: a ee Teves ‘the 
Table 


Goop Manners At TABLE. 

Fork, Spoon, FINGERS 

LEAVING THE TABLE . : 

Corree, Liqueurs, CicArs, Cue ceriies AND eaten ane : 

WHEN THE GENTLEMEN RETURN FROM THE SMOKING Room 

AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT 

DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS. : 

THe Younc Man anp YouNG eee. ; : 
Asking the Escort In—Introducing the Vouie ved 
The Week-End Guests Go to Bed—The Young Man 
Leaves—Inviting the Young Man to Call Again—Re- 
fusing the Man Who Asks to Call—When a Second 
Man Enters—Serving Refreshments to Callers—Gifts 
to the Young Woman—Note of Thanks for a Gift 


Tue Escort 


CHAPTER IV 
Goop MANNERS IN THE STREET AND IN PuBLic 
On THE STREET ‘ 
Give the Other pose a Chance Loner a ea 
Ladies, Gentlemen and Bundles—Who Should Pay?— 
The Restaurant Check—When to Offer a Lady a Seat 


in a Trolley Car—Other Trolley Etiquette—A Lady 
Always on the Right—Smoking 


At Pusiic GATHERINGS. 


Good Manners at the Theatre—The Opera—Good 
Manners in a Box at the Opera 


Vii 


71 


72 


78 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 
Goop MANNERS AND BUSINESS. . . oe OR ae 
Courtesy in Business—Etiquette Ceneeatete for the 
Business World 
CHAPTER V 
CLuss AND CLUB ETIQUETTE 
ATTAINING MEMBERSHIP. . . 5 WRENS 86 
Meeting the Governors—Ask Only taut Friends to 
Propose You 
THE) New (MEMBER 3) 08 ok Oe 
Goop MANNERS AT CLUB. .. . 89 
Introducing a Visitor to a Clubs Been eeee he Club 
Visitors 
Tae InrormaL Crus... oo) OR oa 
CHAPTER VI 
Goop MANNERS AT PusLic BALLS AND DANCES 
THe DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BALL AND A DANCE. .. . Of 
Tue Lapy Gores To A BALL or DANCE. SRN 03 
OBLIGATIONS OF THE YOUNG MAN. 2... . 24's 04 
GETTING ACQUAINTED!) 0") tales Oates een ee 04 
THE Youne Lapy “DANCES (y) 0) )00)0 iy ae ee 
ASKING FOR-AND ACCEPTING| A DANCE; ~. 2000) wo oe ee 
WHEN To SToP DANCING. 0/5 Ry 8 
SrrTine: Our. DANCES UF Oar aU Ro ea 95 
Wuen Nor to Ask ror A DANCE...) 2-2". es 
INVITATIONS: TO SUPPER...) 26 eu bu) t/a oll! oe ea 
OCPPTEN TEEN hides ail eh) in aman ls Ae ea 96 
SUBSCRIPTION DANCES .. . she, RESO AC oe Ne 
SUBSCRIPTION DANCES BY Ouane Co hg BG GES 
Patronesses Receive 
CHAPTER VII 
Goop MANNERS IN GAMES AND SPORTS , 
“Tap GAMES THE THING] oi) We a a ae 
Poor Practice In ANY GAME. (.)/s )s 4 5 e1. e) Meese nee 


Vili 


CONTENTS 


PMY CT IT A OP ARTNER So 2 eee al ie ve aU TOE 
EMERG OAT CARDS 8 gs ee ee er ie let te gin FOT 
oD eet ERS SIN SPECTATORS. 00 3 Stee Se tee 
PE MIEMME UAPORTS MEN ct) CU teil ie et ete ol 6) ei 108 


CHAPTER VIII 


CARDS AND VISITS 


SEMEN ARTS ig) dn Li ge ds vg teh a eedOd 
STYLE or LETTERING . . . Ur ATE ECO SOONG EO 
PosITION AND NAME OF ie reeset WLAN aE Te WEA Cui: LUT OS 
RETR RIMIIGARNS Vola si ge ae IVI be US TO 
(DHE Sizesvor-Carps. 4. .. 106 


The Lady’s Card—The Young ‘Girl's Card—The Genie) 
man’s Card 
Correct UsE oF NAMES AND TITLES. . . 106 


The Lady’s Title—The Girl’s Title—The Gekdedaeta 
Title—The Boy’s Title—Special Titles—Errors to be 
Avoided 


ERE EINCRA IDS (ire Sut NS) ee is be ee TOS 

ADAPTABILITY OF CARDS. . . . ANIMA ATR ih X88 

SpEcIAL CARDS AND WHEN To USE THEM. aan 2 y LOO 
Address Notification Cards—The P. P. C. Cara 

ERP SENDACCARDS op i a et TNE 

Carp LEAVING. . . OI TR DAR ALT 


A Carp Upon THE eee OF A Terie: Ae ai Sy nt ALA 
WaHen A VisitiInc CarpIs A VISITING CARD. 4°. 6) 4 (6 13 
PRD S MIST BE TERT OO Maa ea a ere wer EIA 


Carp MESSAGES . . Aa Seats Serta TIT DG 
Correct NUMBER OF eee TO ev EH Mate teal sera aone ELO 
ba 1B a se 116 


Opening the Bost toa "Visitor—The First Visit—The 
Lady of the House at Home—When the at it 
Calls 


err ameMAEE VON MUST SIMAKE Wi Lie To 
Pn MUR VVLAY VISIT BY PROXY. Woo ee ea Ee ge 
ix 


CONTENTS 


Dopatton of A’ Vistri CO er Oo 

POIse IN THE! DRAWING ‘Room eGo Gee 

OTHER INFORMATION ON, VISITS.) vehi ceih 4) ee eee 
CHAPTER IX 


Notes AND SHORTER LETTERS 


ORDERLINESS AND SIMPLICITY 
Tse Neat LETTER. 


Selection of Pascoe Stampiias Bene Staninn 
—The Telephone Number—The Envelope 


MourNING STATIONERY 

THE COMPOSITION OF A LETTER. 
The Date or Heading—The Salutation—The Connie 
mentary Close—The Signature—The Superscription 
Sequence of Pages 


THE SocrlAL Note. e ° e e °° e ° ° e . ° J e 
LETTERS | OF UHANES ooh Bh chee Wienke lime hg) te 
THANKS FOR WEDDING Dereuren SN hi a 


To Intimate Friends of the Crane ove tne 


Tue BreAD AND ButTeR LETTER 

THANKS ArE ALWAys WRITTEN. lr dig HE eri 
Tre Note. or APronogy <0 2 7% Ls ae ee 
REQUESTING A LETTER OF TivrRoboeron PEP 
GIVING oR WITHHOLDING INTRODUCTORY LETTERS. . . . 
THE Carp oF INTRODUCTION. 
LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION 


On Engagement — On Aljnaeeenen to  Ofeeauen 
Success 

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE . RAN Ar Ve : : 
To an Acquaintance—To a Friend—To a Not Rela- 
tive—When Death Brings Relief 


Nores, IN THE Tred PERSON (40 sho) oa 
ADDRESSING IMPORTANT PERSONAGES . . . -. © « - 


x 


PAGE 
I20 
I21 
I22 


124 
125 


127 
128 


133 
133 
134 


136 
137 
137 
137 
139 
140 
14I 


143 


146 
147 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER X 
LoNnGER LETTERS 
PAGE 
Tonics FOR ANEMIC LETTERS. . . ISI 


Begin at the Renee en an Reolioy! is me 
quired—Letters Promptly Answered Are Easily An- 
swered—Stop at the Ending!—Topics to Avoid—The 
“T, I” Letter and the Void—The Pretentious Apologist 
—Personal Reflections 


NEVERS AND Dow’ TS FOR WoMEN LETTER WRITERS. . . . I57 
NEVERS AND Don7t’s ror MEN LETTER WRITERS . . . . 158 
BeetteRe OR VORM: TO BE AVOIDED.) Oo a ON 88 
CHAPTER XI 
Goop MANNERS IN TRAVELING 
MC EOMM AN Gls bss set OO 


Boarding a Railroad Penn (On Board ihe ean. 
Windows and Window Seats—Odors—Children—The 
Young Woman Alone—Lady Travelers and Escorts— 
How to Register in a Hotel—Ladies Alone in Hotels— 
On Tipping—The Motor Tour 


RICE SOP RAVEE NT hice Uh eo ieee ge ey ee IN TOF 
Seeing Friends Off—Gifts to Travelers—Notes of 
Thanks for Travel Gifts—Good Manners in the Salon 
—Good Manners on Deck—The Ship’s Concert and 
Sunday Service—Steamer Tips 

Goop MANNERS ABROAD... . Aad Ueriah ee babel are a 
Good Manners in European Soetety = Mannees on a 
Continental Train 

CHAPTER XII 
CorrEcT INTRODUCTIONS 

ee PEOEAN STOR MUATIY Voie ey ie Clee hat we hie lates SIRE 

A Lapy To A GENTLEMAN. . . ay oh Wa ag Wy a 
To a President—To a Carinae a cae ves 

Xi 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 
A’ Titcep Person’ To A, LADY sive Aa. 9,0 
A LADY. to A LADY Say i ie ai at 
AUMAN 'TO A MAN ie ORO oe Oe a 
A. Girt To A DISTINGUISHED MAN... > S002 oe 
THE PREVAILING FORM oF INTRODUCTION. . . . . . . I79 
OTHER “FoRMs ey ea nel Re en ena 
Wuat To SAY WHEN INTRODUCED: “'.°9°. 0 4) 0 a 
WHEN: TO' SHAKE HANDS 20000 [0 OE 
INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP . ..... . 182 
WHEN TO ‘INTRODUCE! foe ei 
Meetinc tHe Guest or Honor... 5.09 0 
{NTRODUCTIONS AT A \DINNER) 5) 20 45°). 9) 0) 
OTHER REQUIRED INTRODUCTIONS 5.) 74./i0 (flee 
WHEN INTRODUCTIONS ARE UNNECESSARY . .. .. . 186 
SELF-MaAbe : INTRODUCTIONS | .'°03)\ ee OR) 
INcoRRECT Forms OF INTRODUCTION. 9. >. 0. 6 . > 
ASKING PERMISSION TO INTRODUCE A FRIEND. . . . . . I89 
INTRODUCTION BY LETTER) 270), 0s ecw. sr 
BusIness INTRODUCTIONS | 20000 0 


TAKING LEAVE AFTER AN INTRODUCTION. . . . -. «. - 190 


CHAPTER XIII 


GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS 


INFORMAL: GREETINGS (0000) 8 5 iN OS 
Fors! 0r) FAREWELL 0000/10) 6) ys eet ee 
SHAKING HANDS!) 00/0000) eR tek 
Character Displayed in the Handshake 
THe ForMAL' Bow.) 0) 0/660 tis gl pa at 
THE, Bow .UNFORMAL. |e) je ei eit ona we aes Ge a 
THE Bow oF A. WoMAN. 9.6 00°02 00 
A’ GENTLEMAN 'Removes His Har. .0)°.00.0 9) J) a 
A GentremMan ‘Lirts) His) Hat. go. 0 


Xi 


CONTENTS 


Pee oT 


CoURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE 


CHAPTER I 
CouRTSHIP 

PAGE 
eT ANCE. OF (CSTFTS. oe lialide Rae ence, 4208 
REE TIS DT Oe Sn AF ao SNARE ad LN PRS A." 
MEE POT We Sl Miya hk URN if ae gt thes et ete ie tliih OR 

Asking Father 
WHEN FATHER APPROVES . . SS ae RO 
His Parents Call—The py saeacas Ring 
POnENeL ae ANNOUNCEMENT. oop ba cjeilises (ecco bee be 8 208 
THe ANNOUNCEMENT .. CORAL ted h WOW ANCE ae 96 
ANSWER THE ANNOUNCEMENT Noe Seah gst Mey CUS SEN ae 
ANSWER THE NoTEs oF CONGRATULATION! . . . . . . 208 
oe OUNCEMENT). DINNER. 0 Ge eee te a 208 
nN NOUNCEMENT DAY PARTY.) o.oo E209 
SRS PTC NET iy) ee yh as the i a oN a at 
Parties GIVEN FOR THE COUPLE. . . AUS NeCRN PLR S cea EDEN 9 
Grers Waicu A Brine-To-Be May -Accept.) . .. . < (.. 210 
PrerFectT ACTIONS OF THE ENGAGED COUPLE. . ..:. . 2IlI 
DoEs THE CoupLE REQUIRE A CHAPERON?. . . . . . 212 
Se PMN GAGE MENTS Soe oe eg feu be we BIZ 
PPMECe TIVES (MEET THE (PARENTS) (20) .55 08) eel) 233 
eI EN  LUNGAGEMENT) (08 6005008.) PN mela ei iad se nw i QTA 
CHAPTER II 
WEDDING PREPARATIONS 

PP TERATI st ah wl ee i Se eT ete hatie sa ceet a2) Cat REAR ES 
THE MotTHers ARRANGE THE tiers yee Se OME Hee LONE NA Mil eK 
INVITATIONS c.g URINE Av : 216 


A Wedding eee wWhkn the Bride Has No Can 
nections —Invitation to Home Wedding — Wedding 
Xill 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 
Reception Invitation — Wedding Announcement — A 
Combination Invitation—Informal Written Invitations 
—Invitations to Reception Only—Invitations to a Sec- 
ond Marriage—Cards of Address 
TRE WEDDING HOUR 6.) )(053) sts shea tls ce 
THE EVENING WEDDING 2.) 5 604050500 1S eee ee 
THE SMALL. House WEDDING (ii). 05. 29 0 
THE | ELABORATE? WEDDING (606 8 OO Cy 
THE Poor Girt’s WEDDING. . . 3 eC at en 
Tue Groom Must Nort GIvE THE Winnie: SRS ee 
THE: TROUSSEAU 00 000) feu ee 
THE BRIDESMAIDS. . . 225 
What the Bridesmaids Wear—The Bridesmaid Who Is 
in Mourning — Who Pays the Bridesmaids’ Expenses? 
Tre Bripecroom’s. “TROUSSEAU”. 2 '2.7" 3). > 
THE Bripecroom’s WEDDING CLOTHES. 93° 2° NC SR ee 
Tue Best Man. . . 2 Ea 4 2 
What the Best Man Weare 
Tue UsHERS . . Me 
What the Ushers ‘Wear urhe! Head ete 
Tur BripesMAmS LUNCHEON i005. 3000 GAR) ee 
GIFTS TO THE BRIDESMAIDS. (40°05 4) 10 cies ce 
THE, BAcHEtoR: DINNER) (00) sae ae 
Gtrts TO THE USHERS. . . EASTING | St Ita St a 
DINNER FOR BRIDESMAIDS AND Uses! 5 GS ea gale ae 
THE REHEARSAL . .. 232 
Drilling the Pepceeonke the ‘Chancel ienveaeee of 
the Bridegroom—The Organist’s Cue 
THE BRIDEGROOM’s OBLIGATIONS. . . 237 
The Wedding Ring—The Wedding Tein Tnaneneat 
Expenses 
THE WEpDDING PRESENTS. . . 239 


What the Bridegroom Gives the Bride—The Gift Book 
—Displaying the Presents—When the Presents May be 
Shown—The Matter of Initialsk—The Delayed Present 
—Exchanging Presents 


XIV 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER III 
THE WeEppING Day 


PREPARATIONS AT THE Bripe’s Home. 
Duties OF THE Best Man. 

THE Bripe’s WEDDING ATTIRE. 
PROCESSION TO THE CHURCH. 

AT THE CHURCH 


The Ushers Prepare—The Seating—Ushering 


THE WELL MANAGED WEDDING. 


Arrival of the Bridegroom—Arrival of the Bride—What 
the Bride and Groom Do—The Father Gives the Bride 
Away—The Marriage Ceremony—The Recessional— 
After the Recessional—Ushering Out the Guests 


AT THE BripALt House 


Receiving the Guests—What to Say to the Bride and 
Groom—What the Bride and Groom Say—Introduction 
Of and By Bride and Groom—General Rules for Con- 
versation With the Bride and Groom—What the Parents 
of the Groom Do-—The Father of the Bride 


Tue Sit-Down BREAKFAST. 


Detail of Arrangement—The Bride’s Table—The Table 
of the Bride’s Parents—The Service—The Menu 


THE STANDING BREAKFAST OR RECEPTION 
THE Bripat Party Eats. 
Tue Bript Cuts THE CAKE. 
WEDDING CAKE FOR THE GUESTS 
THE ENTERTAINMENT 
Tue Goop-Bpy To PARENTS 
THe Gorinc-Away CLOTHES. 
THe House WEDDING. . 
THE WEDDING IN A PUBLIC OMe 
THE SECOND MARRIAGE . 

XV 


254 


258 


CONTENTS 


PART iI 


CHRISTENINGS AND FUNERALS 


CHAPTER I 
CHRISTENINGS 


THE GopPARENTS 
TIME AND PLACE rade hat eee de Pan ae a a 
THe Caurch | CARIsTENING) 0) 0 tories 
THE House CHRISTENING . 
THE CHRISTENING “TEA”. 
INVITATIONS TO CHRISTENINGS. 
CHRISTENING Dress . . 


The Child—The hereteiatie et Cael 


CHAPTER I 


FUNERALS 
IMMEDIATE DETAILS Sia 
THE CARE OF THE BEREAVED. . . 
ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL. 
MATTERS TO BE DISPENSED BY THE FRIEND. 
Notice to Friends and Relatives—Notice i Newahawens 
—Attendance at the Door—The Bell Hanging—Honor- 
ary Pallbearers—The Friend May Check Expenditures 
Te MOURNING (U0 Sonar yes Gon os is 


Mourning Clothes 
Otp Custom SIMPLIFIED . . 
THE CHURCH FUNERAL . 


Arranging and Recording the Flowers! he Gah 
gation Comes In—The Processional—At the Chancel— 
The Recessional—Those Who Attend the Burial 


Tue House FUNERAL. . . . Sie Che re aa 
Arrangement—The Shieh Muar 


TRANSFORMING THE HOUSE. 6 bia Sa he 
XVI 


PAGE 
271 
272 
273 
274 
274 
275 
275 


278 
278 
279 
280 


283 


284 


284 


287 


289 


CONTENTS 


TT SO LOTTT ES i iN hh ea Ra 
Consideration for Those in Mourning—Mourning Ma- 
terials—Second Mourning—Mourning Wear for the 
Widow—The Veil—The Young Widow—The Mother 
in Mourning—The Daughter or Sister in Mourning— 
Mourning Wear in the Country—A Word on Propriety 


WigueMinc VVWEAR FOR MEN. vo. Ge ere eG 


Bi MON Reh, 
Duration of Mourning Period for Men 
MERROW LEDOMENT OF SYMPATHY. 4). 0s (ee ee 208 
OBLIGATIONS TO OTHERS IN CASE oF DEATH. . .. . . 207 
PART IV 
FoRMAL PROCEDURE 
CHAPTER I 
THE FormMAL DINNER 
THINGS TO BE REMEMBERED IN DINNER-GIVING. . . . . °302 


CHAPTER II 
ForMAL INVITATIONS, ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS 


INVITATION TO A ForMAL BALL- . . ... 


NOUNS Maerua F 
INVITATION TO A BALL For A DéBUTANTE DAUGHTER. . . 306 
ASKING FOR AN INVITATION FORA FRIEND. . . . . . . 307 
mem MASENERAL. INVITATION, (0 eo 6) re 2 308 
INVITATIONS TO TEAS AND REcEPTIONS. . . . . . . 308 
HEI ORMAL WRITTEN INVITATION, 2006 6008 ee 300 

Se UMEEE MOAN NINVITATION 40 80 egies olay) see ere ee ARS 309 
DIA TMCCEDTANCE OR: REGREB heal cs ee OE) 8t0 
PVT AtOnS IN. THE SECOND, PERSON( 6. a) eo ke 310" 
Be PRTOGARD INVITATIONS. cei \iis cies. Ss, wh te tw el re BIO 
Syrpations To A CouNTRY House. 3.0). oh 6 eo gto 
MePONVEDATION BY LELEPHONE. 0!) dof ie! jet oh ee wel QTO 


XVIii 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER: lit 


TEAS AND AFTERNOON PARTIES 


PAGE 
Tue Arrernoon TEA AND DANCE.) . (.4\) 220 ogee 
The Menu and Service 
AFTERNOON TEAS WitHoUT DANCING. . . . 4. » 4. «= 312 
The Service 
“Do. COME. IN, For A’ Cup or ‘TEA’. (20077 
THE: Everyvpay TEA’ TABIE. (6.0060) 3) sn No 
THE) TEA Ment ne a eS eS 
THE EverypAy TEA Senvice. we ae a ROLE A Sn rr 
THE GARDEN PARTY) 000) ne 
Te Personar ELement. oss el 
CHAPTER IV 
LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS 
(PELE \UNVITATIONS (Ave nina Sh ah ge a (tee 
To a Luncheon—To a Stand- Up fundies or Breen? 
THe Formar! Lunceion, (OU ee aan) at, 
The Bread and Butter Plate 
THe LoncHEON (SERVICE. 6.9000 2a 
l'Tae LuncHeon Mem) .)/6/))(0) 0 ae ee Ve 
Luncheon Beverages 
ETIQUETTE AT: LUNCHEONS (6/0) 40 dU) el oD nn 
The Time to Leave 
THe SraNnp-Up) LUNCHEON). 55. hea fies Sel) ee 
SUPPERS (5) fy i's woh Get ic tai today) eae tid 
The Supper Table 
CHAPTER V 
BALLS AND DANCES 
PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL IN ASSEMBLY RooMsS. . . 320 


PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL OR DANCE IN A PRIVATE dian: 330 
XVili 


CONTENTS 


THE INVITATIONS . 
The Borrowed Paces an Theietion. for Another 
Person—The Invitations to Strangers 


SUPPER . 

A DANCE 

BALLROOM ETrQuette ‘ 

Tue Hostess aT A BALL. 

GRACE IN THE BALLROOM. 

MASQUERADE VOUCHERS . 

BALLROOM CUSTOMS 
Ushers—The Dance Piece The Flock ispatanns 
What to Say After Dancing—Other Information 


CHAPTER VI 
THE DEBUTANTE 


THE BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE. 


What to Say to the erties Honea for RA Débu- 
tante—A Word on Receiving—The Débutante at Supper 


Tue DEBUTANTE’S DRESS. 
Worps To THE WISE THES aneee 


CHAPTER: VII 


THE CHAPERON 


PemreesmrarT) CIAPERON foe) go ovine. ee earl ee ee hoe 
Tererernrme THe CHAPERON, 200 SS OS 
REAGAN VENTIONS ee) caliente eg 
PART V 
DRESS 
CHAPTER I 


Dress or A LADY 
Morninc WEDDING : 
The Bride—The Fedele carcats 


_ ArterNoon WEDDING. . Bt) ihe wah ive! whale 
The Bride—The Boviesen Cheats 
XIX 


PAGE 


331 


333 
333 
334 
334 
336 
337 
337 


341 


344 
344 


346 
347 
349 


353 


353 


CONTENTS 


EVENING WEDDING. PEN rina mmamtenar <b | 
RIDEN GA Uo eins oan ll hap inte Rae ea wen a 
LUNCHEON : 

AFTERNOON TEA 

Tue GARDEN Party . 

THE MATINEE . ; 

AFTERNOON COoMING- Our Parry : 


The Débutante—The Mother—Girls Who Help Reve 


—The Guests 
DINNER : 
Tipeaele Haren 
CoNcCERT, THEATRE AND OPERA. .. 


RESTAURANT WEAR 
DANCES . 


Formal and eget 
BALLS ‘ 
Ball for a Debatante othe “‘Débutante’ s Nniier 


TRAVELING 

BUSINESS 

CouNTRY Cromins: 

A Lapy’s CoMPANION. 


CHAPTER II 
Dress FoR MEN 


THE CUTAWAY oR Frock Coat WitTH STRIPED TROUSERS. 


THE TUXEDO 

Tue Fuit Dress . : 

THE THREE PIecE SACK Sunt: 
Tue House Suit 

Sport CLOTHES. .» 


CHAPTER III 
DRESS FOR SERVANTS 


Lapy’s MaAIpD 

WAGED Sih ofa 

Partor Mai, Touse Maw, WHATTRESS. 

BUTLER ‘ 

BOGE MAN ey el elie tite beim ks Albee te 
xx 


354 
354 
355 
355 
355 
356 
356 


356 


PART I 
GOOD MANNERS IN DAILY LIFE 





CHAPTER I 
THE HOME 
The apple falls not far from the stem 


Though a man wander far from the place of his birth, 
he never moves one step from his home. All his days the 
effects of home training silently and with resolute sure- 
ness mold his niche in the world of men. Blessed indeed 
is the person who carries through life the memories of 
pleasant surroundings in youth and the endearing charms 
of the true abode of gentility, culture, kindness and rever- 
ence—the four virtues of the true gentleman and the 
perfect lady. Yet, though he is handicapped who has not 
felt the charms of a lovely home, he is likewise strength- 
ened if he but resolve to profit by his loss and steadfastly 
endeavor to counterbalance his original deficit by prac- 
ticing the four virtues. 

The home, then, is the starting point in the creation of 
gentlemen and ladies. The characters of persons are 
judged in part by the outward appearance of the houses 
in which they make their homes. If the exterior presents 
a pleasing aspect, it is quite natural to assume that the 
interior is likewise of pleasing appearance. 


LHE PLEASING HOUSE 


Perfection is not measured by inches. Large or small, 
the house of the cultured gentleman is of honest design, 


3 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


with its painting and curtains, external trimmings and 
surrounding foliage in good taste. The approach to the 
house is kept beautifully neat, sidewalk and path clean, 
steps scrubbed, brass polished. Its neat little bell is 
promptly answered. It is a sign of breeding to promptly 
answer the ring of a caller: the gentleman does not im- 
pose on the time and patience of others, be they whoso- 
ever or whatsoever they may. Besides, a feeling of 
welcome tingles through the veins of the caller who is 
promptly and courteously admitted. Thus, whether the 
door be attended by the man of the house himself, by 
courteous, soft-toned little maid, or liveried butler—if it 
be promptly attended—the impression of gentility is 
carried to the very doorstep. Indifference to outward 
appearance, nondescript architecture, garish painting, un- 
polished brass, unswept and unkept walks, coarse and 
untidy lace, the door tardily opened by an ill-attired 
butler, brand immediately, the occupant as anything but 
well bred. The art of making a house distinctive in its 
exterior and interior appearance is in itself a quality 
of breeding. People correctly dressed and mannered yet 
shrouded in an atmosphere incongruous with breeding 
cannot hope to create the proper impression. It may be 
the fault of the servants, who are ill-mannered, the service 
may be not well done, the children may be poorly be- 
haved and ill-mannered. Perhaps on the other hand all 
of these points are well performed and still things seem 
not to be in co-ordination. Ah, yes! it’s the furnishings! 
How rich, and so perfectly positioned! But are the pic- 
tures well chosen? The frames are exquisite, but the 
subjects are abominable and out of place. Better the 
print of a masterpiece in becoming frame than the 
4 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


mediocre daubing in oil handsomely framed. Better no 
picture than the picture misplaced. 


THE CHARM OF THE TRUE HOME 


Nor is correctness itself a virtue when personality is 
lacking. ‘The personality of a home is that indefinable 
warmth that impels the visitor to linger, whether the 
home is but a hut or a palace; while the place correct to 
the micrometrical fraction becomes but a show-place, 
walls with furniture correctly placed, a “gilded cage.” 
Costliness is not necessarily comeliness. The home with 
the “warmth” may have limited furnishings, yet breathe, 
in that very sparseness, the atmosphere of unmistakable 
quality indicative of the taste of the well bred. 

The aspirant to beauty should endeavor through 
guidance from books on home decorating and home fur- 
nishing, observation of what others do in their homes, 
and the careful study of the needs of his or her partic- 
ular home: to make all the rooms the composite of pro- 
priety, comfort and charm. These physical aspects can be 
attained by little touches—a flowerette here, a bit of lace 
there, this piece of furniture placed so, the other so. If 
one is attempting purely artistic effects, articles and pic- 
tures which do not lend themselves to the room as a whole 
should be given another place. If you have old family 
portraits for example, which do not harmonize artistically 
in one room, perhaps they will in another. These cher- 
ished relics add a feeling of endearment to any home, and 
if they can be properly placed may enhance not only the 
artistry, but add to the charm as well. Those instruments 
of an orchestra which are not heard enrich the melody: 
the personality of the home-maker makes the home. 


5 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


CULTURE IN THE HOME 


Another step toward the attainment of culture is the 
proper regulation and government of the activities of the 
members of the household. The too little practiced cus- 
tom of reading aloud in the family circle furnishes 
healthy stimulation toward cultural improvement. None 
will deny the value of conversation with people of knowl- 
edge, taste and high ideals. People careful in the choice 
of words, interesting in theme and bearing an atmosphere 
of lofty thought and ambition are sought by all. The 
charm of such people may be felt in a study of the English 
Classics. The immortal expressions of thought, from the 
beginning of recorded literature to the present day, range 
in scope from the sweetest and gentlest whisperings of 
love and nature to the most profound treatises of philos- 
ophy and science, combining all that is worth while and 
good. Their study broadens the vision, thoughts run 
deeper, ideals soar higher, involuntarily the chest is lifted, 
head thrown back, the step quickens, and one becomes 
a better and bigger man. 

Reading leads also to discussion, which in turn brings 
into practice the use of words. Modern critics state that 
the home is no longer a place where constructive conver- 
sation is held. It is said the average person does not 
read sufficiently to have subjects for discussion, that he 
hurriedly grasps the news from “picture papers.” This 
is detrimental to culture. It eliminates the thought and 
feeling created by the inspiring editorial—it is mental 
suicide! 

Of extreme mental and moral value is singing and 

6 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


music. People from homes where the family congregates 
regularly and gives vent to its better feelings in song 
acknowledge this as stimulating pastime. It is a pleasure, 
a taste for which is readily acquired. Interesting games, 
bringing into play the faculties of thought, care and con- 
sideration, likewise form enjoyable pastime and create a 
feeling of good fellowship in the home. They enhance 
the attainment and maintenance of culture. Step by step 
the walker from the Atlantic reaches the Pacific: act by 
act the molding of character continues. 


KINDNESS AND REVERENCE 


Kindness and reverence are the natural outcome of the 
desire for culture. Wife and husband in their actions to 
each other should set the example for the children. Loss 
of temper has no place in the curriculum of culture. The 
gentleman is the master of his feelings, he has complete 
control over his faculties at all times. Families whose 
hours alone are unpleasant and lacking in the display of 
courtesy and magnanimity will inevitably display their 
true colors to strangers. “Company manners” must be 
practiced when alone. Good actors are limited, and even 
these rehearse their parts untiringly before they attempt 
a public portrayal. A charming mother and a kind father 
exert their influence upon one another and upon their 
children in the course of daily life in a manner more im- 
pressive and more indelible than can be done in any other 
way. Complete harmony, the result of kindness and 
reverence, is a prime requisite in the home where the 
attainment of culture and good manners is a constant 
ambition, 
yi 7 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ETIQUETTE IN THE HOME 


The desire for cultural improvement leads naturally to 
the desire to act in accordance with recognized practices, 
that is, to practice proper etiquette. In this endeavor also 
the home is the best place for practice. Children trained 
in early life to give attention to their actions in the home, 
bear themselves with poise and dignity and perform un- 
hesitatingly and skilfully the most delicate table operations 
and gentle mannerisms. 


CHAPTER II 


GOOD MANNERS FOR CHILDREN 
CHILDREN AT TABLE 


Training in manners at table should begin the moment 
a little child begins to eat at table with the grown people. 
While the little hands are too tiny to properly hold eating 
and drinking utensils the child should be permitted to use 
a spoon and pusher and hold them in the manner most 
convenient to itself. Neatness is the prime requisite to 
good manners at table. The child should therefore be 
cautioned against eating hurriedly, opening the mouth 
when chewing, stuffing the mouth too full, spilling food 
and smearing the face and hands, and against making 
grease marks on its tumbler or mug by always wiping its 
fingers and mouth before drinking. Trifles, like putting 
the spoon into the mouth point first, for example, may be 
overlooked during this early period. Graver offenses, 
however, such as waving the arms, rocking, knocking with 
spoons and crumbing bread should not be tolerated. Be- 
fore company, of course, it is best to say as little as 
possible. Constant correction in the presence of strangers 
becomes annoying. A word or two such as “Don’t knock 
now, dear, not at the table,” or “please, darling, be 
careful,” should suffice. But if the child insists on be- 
coming unruly, banishment from the table will make clear 
the fact that admission to grown-up society is dependent 
upon good behavior. 


9 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE PROPER USE OF THE FORK 


When the child has become proficient in the use of 
the spoon and pusher the fork may be substituted. This 
new implement will at first be as unwieldy for the little 
hands as were their predecessors. But the child must now 
be taught to hold the fork correctly, that is, resting on 
the third or middle finger and gripped by the index finger 
and thumb, similar to the position of a pencil in writing, 
but held two-thirds of the way up the shank of the fork. 
The food is taken up on the upturned prongs. To make 
the beginning easier the child may for a while continue 
in the use of the pusher to shovel up such elusive articles 
as corn, peas, etc. The pusher may later be replaced by 
a small piece of bread held between the thumb and first 
two fingers of the left hand. A fork must be used for all 
manipulations of vegetables. 

When no knife is used the fork is held in the right 
hand. Meat is lifted prongs down; vegetables prongs up. 
To pile mashed potatoes or vegetables on the convex side 
of the fork on top of the meat is a disgusting habit. It is 
difficult of accomplishment and courts disaster. Meat 
and vegetables should be taken up separately. Burdens 
dripping with gravy or juice must not be lifted to the lips. 
Taking more than a mouthful is a grave offense, and 
heaping the fork full and taking half the contents into the 
mouth and holding the balance in mid-air is preposterous. 
It is perhaps needless to say that the elbows must not 
be rested on the table while eating. These are some 
offenses which can easily be remedied while the child is 
very young. | 

Io 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE KNIFE AND FORK 


The child’s first lessons in the use of the knife and 
fork should be confined to pieces easy to cut. The fork 
is held near the top in the left hand with prongs down- 
ward, index finger on the shank pointing towards the 
prongs and supported at the side by the thumb, the other 
fingers closed underneath holding the handle tight. 
Clutching either knife or fork in the clenched fist should 
no longer be permitted, nor must the knife be used to saw 
across the food at the base of the fork. Harsh scraping 
of knife or fork on the plate should be avoided. 


THE KNIFE 


The position of the knife in the right hand is identical 
to that of the fork in the left. The handle is held firmly 
at top, with the index finger pointing down the back of 
the blade. In cutting, the edge of the knife must not 
scrape the back of the fork prongs. A mouthful cut, 
the fork should be thrust through it prongs downward, 
from whence it is conveyed to the mouth with the left 
hand. One mouthful must be cut and eaten at a time. 

The knife is never to be put to or into the mouth. Nor 
should the knife be used unnecessarily. Soft foods, 
like patties, hash on toast, eggs and vegetables should be 
merely broken apart with the edge of the fork and taken 
up with the prongs of the fork upturned. The knife 
must not be used to scrape baked potato out of the skin, 
or to butter potato. Butter for baked potatoes must be 
taken on the tip of the fork shovel-wise, placed on the 

Ii 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


potato and pressed down and mixed with the back of 
.the prongs. 

When the child has finished eating he should place 
knife and fork together on the plate, handles toward the 
right and projecting not more than an inch or two beyond 
the rim of the plate, so that the plate may be removed 
without fear of tumbling knife or fork on to the table 
or floor. | 


THE SPOON 


The child’s first acquaintance with eating utensils is 
with the spoon. This proficiency should not be allowed 
to develop into misuse. 

The spoon is to be held in the right hand like the fork. 
In eating soup the spoon must be dipped away from the 
body, turning the outer rim of the spoon bowl down. The 
bowl of the spoon must not be filled more than three- 


quarters full, and the soup should be sipped, noiselessly, 


out of the side—never the end—of the bowl. It is prac- 
tically impossible to lift a spoon brimming over with 
liquid to the mouth and not splash and spatter it on the 
way up. In the case of porridge, a spoonful is of course 
more than a mouthful and this is another objection to 
the full spoon. In eating cereal or dessert, the child 
may be allowed to dip the bowl of the spoon toward the 
body and eat from the end. The teaspoon, of course, 
must never be left in the cup while drinking, but should 
be laid on the saucer after the beverage, whatever it is, 
has been stirred. Cocoa or other drinks must never be 
“eaten” with a spoon, but it is perfectly permissible to 


sip from a spoon a little at a time of a hot liquid. In 
12 G. Man.—A 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


taking any liquid from spoon or vessel, no noise must 
ever be made. 


OTHER TABLE MATTERS FOR CHILDREN 


A child may determine the distance from the table at 
which it wishes to sit, so far as comfort is concerned. It 
must not, however, be placed so close to the table as to 
hamper free action, nor so far away as to make too 
possible the spilling of food in transit. 

A child must not be given a napkin instead of a bib. 
Children inevitably spill food and drink despite good 
behavior and great care. And some foods are difficult 
to master, so that it is advisable to keep to the bib until 
the trying days are over. 

A child seated at table should arise as belated grown- 
ups of the household appear, and sit down again after 
the grown-ups are seated. 

At home or at any family dinner table, it is proper to 
serve children after the adults. At a formal or an 
informal dinner, where a prescribed order of service 
is followed, children are served in their turn. 


QUIETNESS AT TABLE 


Older children may gain much of the foundations of 
good breeding at table. They should not be allowed to 
jerk out their chairs, to slide down sideways, to flick 
their napkins or to play with the tablecloth or eating 
utensils. A child should be taught to draw the chair up 
to the table gently by grasping the seat with both hands 
and momentarily lifting himself on his feet and then 
sitting down quietly in the center of the seat. He must 

G.Mar—B 13 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


not slide or “pivot” his chair into place from leg to leg. 
In getting up from the table, he must not be permitted 
to lay hold of the table and shove off. The scuffling of 
chairs is never heard at the table of the cultured. The 
child should not be permitted to demonstrate his clown- 
ish or engineering possibilities with forks, plates, or 
tumblers at table by performing feats of equilibrium 
or by making tunnels, etc. 


TALKING AT TABLE 


If a child wishes to speak when older people are pres- 
ent at table, he must stop eating and look at his mother, 
who at the first pause in the conversation inquires: 
“What is it, dear?” Then the child may speak. But if 
he aspires to a lengthy discourse on a subject of his own 
choice he should be politely stopped. 

Freedom of speech can be granted the children when 
they are alone at table with their mother. She must, 
however, treat them just as she treats her visitors, and 
guide their table conversation. Children imagine them- 
selves ever so much bigger and more capable than they 
in reality are, and it is therefore not advantageous to 
their mental development to prevent them from doing 
and saying what they feel capable of. This natural 
tendency if properly guided will help the child to formu- 
late his own development. 

Likes and dislikes must be eliminated from the con- 
versation. A child must say, “No, thank you,” not, “I 
don’t want steak, I like chocolate cake.” Begging and 
“tongue-hanging” must be controlled. The child should 
be made to cultivate pride and reserve, and never linger 
with wistful look for a bit of sweetmeat. 


14 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


GOOD MANNERS IN CHILDREN 


OBEDIENCE 


The child to be attractive must be obedient. Fussing 
and fidgeting on the part of children is creative of dis- 
like. Sweetness, unobtrusive behavior, prompt obedi- 
ence, these are the charms of children. ‘No” should 
mean “no” and leave no possibility of winning a “yes.” 

Disobedieince should be promptly punished by banish- 
ment. Good behavior is thus placed at a premium and 
self-control is developed. It is to the welfare of the 
child in later days to be trained to obedience. The child 
petted and pampered in youth is the person buffeted and 
bumped in the great cauldron of worldly affairs. 


COURTESY AND RESPECT 


The well bred child slips from its chair upon the en- 
trance of an adult and stands until a senior is seated. 
A child of either sex should be taught this show of cour- 
tesy to a mature brother or sister, aunt or uncle, to 
its parents and to adult strangers of equal social stand- 
ing to its parents. It is not necessary for the child to 
press forward to offer a chair when one of the adult 
members of the family arrives on a veranda or in the 
reception room. The modest act of the youngster in 
unostentatiously rising leaves the newcomer to choose 
the vacated seat at pleasure. The well bred child per- 
mits all the grown-ups to pass out of a room first, but 
always goes forward to hold a door or a gate, and is sure 
to close the portal with care and quiet. 

With true modesty, the child of breeding waits to be 


15 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


invited to participate in conversation with strangers and 
guests of mature years. Nor will such a youngster gush 
over to predominate the conversation with a barrage of 
chatter. The retiring and unoffensive child is the child 
of charm. This phase of juvenile etiquette should not 
be developed to the extent of making the child timid, for 
the child who has been stultified suffers in an equal 
measure with the one who is loquacious and forebearing. 


COURTEOUS SPEECH 


“Good morning, mother,’ “Good morning, father,’ 
“Good afternoon, James,” this is the manner in which a 
child should be taught to greet all members of the house- 
hold, from his parents to a chore boy. A caller who 
holds out his hand and says, “How do you do, Wil- 
liam?” must be greeted with the boy’s right hand and a 
“Thank you, Mrs. Jones, I am quite well.” Unless the 
child is well acquainted with the caller, the conversation 
should be carried on from this point by the adult. 

Monosyllabic replies are entirely out of order. “Yes,” 
“No,” or “What,” are rather blunt and boorish and 
their use should not be permitted by the young person. 
A well-bred boy answers a gentleman with “Yes, sir,” 
“No, sir,” “I think not, sir,” but “ma’am” is not longer 
style. To a complete stranger a little boy or girl might 
respond, “Yes, madam.” Boys and girls both answer, 
“Yes, Mrs. Smith,” or “Yes, Miss Jones.” A girl says, 
“Yes, Mr. Brown,” rather than “Yes, sir.” All children 
should say, “Thank you, Aunt Helen,” “Yes, Uncle 
Frank,” “What did you say, mother?” ‘‘No,. father, I 
think not.” 

“Please” or “thank you” do not require the insertion 

16 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS. 


of the name of the person addressed. “Yes, please,” or 
“No, thank you,” suffice. Nor does the statement, “I 
just saw Mr. Smith in the street” require the addition of 
“Mrs. Smith” at the end. 

Politeness of speech requires the elimination of sharp 
contradictions, even in the relation of child to child. ‘‘I 
think you are mistaken,’ or “Isn’t that strange? I 
heard,” etc., are the polite phrases to be cultivated by 
children for use on such occasions. When the correc- 
tion of a statement is not essential it is just as well left 
uncorrected or unchallenged. Interruptions, likewise, 
are discourteous to junior or senior. The careful 
mother will take pains to correct this fault. “I am 
sorry, Mrs. Jones, I really didn’t mean to interrupt you,” 
is the proper apology for momentary forgetfulness. The 
child who inadvertently slams a door should come back 
to say, “I am sorry,’ and close it again with special care. 

The polite little boy is ever ready to volunteer to look 
for a book, fetch a paper or tennis racket, and he not 
only offers his own chair but volunteers to get another, 
carry bundles, and perform other courtesies that have 
devolved from the knight of yore to the gentleman of 
to-day. 


CHILDREN AT AFTERNOON TEA 


A custom in many homes allows children to attend 
afternoon gatherings. By actual contact they learn 
how to behave in company. Little boys are taught to 
bow to visitors; little girls curtsy. Small boys are taught 
to place the individual tables, hand plates, pass tea and 
sandwiches and cakes. Girls also act in this capacity; 


17 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


sometimes both girls and boys. Everybody served, they 
may be permitted a small piece of cake, which they 
place on a tea plate and sit down quietly to eat. If the 
presence of a great many people makes them inconspicu- 
ous, they quietly leave the room. If there are but a few 
with whom the children are well acquainted, they shake 
hands, say, “Good-by,” and walk out of the room. ~ 


CHILDREN’S PARTIES 


The value of children’s parties in furnishing social 
practice, in promoting hospitality, in developing respon- 
sibility is undeniable. Under the guidance and advice 
of the mother the children arrange for favors, surprises, 
refreshments, etc. There is no greater personal joy 
than for the children to write the invitations themselves. 
Prettily designed cards are preferable. The invita- 
tions when the children are not yet out of their teens 
may be written as follows: 


Dorothy and Desmond Devoe 
request the pleasure 
of your company 
at a dance on Monday evening, 
May the fifth 
from six to nine o’clock 

Regie 25 Elm Street 
Parties for children in their teens may be held in the 

early evening, those for tots always in the afternoon. 
If the children are not yet old enough to write, the 
mother may write the invitation, either to the guest or 
to the child’s mother. The parties of such young children 

18 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


being usually very informal, the invitations should also 
be informal. For example: 


DEAR Mrs. GROVER: 

I am having a little party for some of Jerome’s 
friends Wednesday afternoon and am so anx- 
ious for Beatrice to come. If you will send her 
about four o’clock, I will see that she gets home 
around six, 

Cordially yours, 
ALICE J. WALLACE. 


If the invitation is addressed to the child, it might be 
written as follows: 


Dear BEATRICE: 

Jerome is planning a little party Thursday 
afternoon and he wants you to come about four 
o'clock. Tell mother that we will see that you 
get home about six. We both want you very 
much. 

Cordially your friend, 
ALICE J. WALLACE. 


For children who have passed into their teens it is 
customary to use “Miss” and “Mr.” in addressing the 
envelopes. One invitation may be addressed to a 
brother and sister if both are to come. 

It is very essential to keep the children amused every 
minute of the time. Nor must the games be so active 
as to tire the youngsters out. The refreshments must be 
sufficiently wholesome to refresh. It is no small ac- 
complishment to attain success in giving a children’s 


19 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


party, but the reward is ample recompense for the effort 
expended. 


THE BIRTHDAY PARTY 


If the party is in honor of a child’s birthday, it should 
be made as festive as possible. The birthday flower 
should be given prominence. The table should be well 
laid, the birthday cake holding the place of honor, 
mounted with a candle for each year of the child’s age 
and one for good measure. 

It is customary for the guests to bring gifts. These 
should be received with a polite “Thank you.” Gifts 
in packages may be opened on receipt. Needless to say, 
gifts must never be criticized; doing so is the height of 
shamelessness. Whether a gift is brought or not, the 
guest on arriving should offer, “Many happy returns of 
the day,” or “I wish you a very happy birthday, and 
many of them.” To which the recipient of the wish 
replies, “Thank you.” 


THE JUVENILE GUEST 


Children able to write should answer their invitations 
personally. On his own note paper a little boy (or girl) 
might reply thus to the first formula found on page 18: 


Alfred Olcott 
accepts with much pleasure 
the kind invitation of 
Dorothy and Desmond Devoe 
to their party on Monday evening, 
May the fifth, 
from six to nine o’clock 
at 25 Elm Street 
20 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Acknowledgments written by the mother of the guest 
should be just as informal as the invitation by the 
mother of the host. They must be addressed to the one 
who wrote the invitation and need merely express thanks 
for the invitation and state whether or not the invita- 
tion can be accepted. If the latter, the apology must 
state briefly the cause for the non-acceptance. 


RECEIVING THE YOUNG GUESTS 


The young hostess or host receives with the mother 
at the door. Each guest should be offered the right 
hand with the greeting, “I am glad to see you, Jack,” or 
“jill,” as the case may be, with the addition, if neces- 
sary, of, “Mother, this is Jack Robinson,” or, “Jennie 
Jones.” To the young hostess’ or host’s expression of 
pleasure at the guest’s appearance, the guest should re- 
ply, “Thank you,” or offer a “How do you do, Dorothy ?” 
To the grown person who assists in receiving, the guest 
should extend the hand and, with a bow or curtsy (bow 
by a boy, curtsy by a girl), say, “Thank you, Mrs. 
- Devoe, I am so glad to be here.” When the usual time 
allowance of twenty minutes has been granted for the 
arrival of all the guests, the hostess or host invites the 
guests into the dining room. 


DEPARTURE OF THE YOUNG GUESTS 


Undoubtedly the parents of the very young guests 
should provide some means of having the children es- 
corted home; the entire duty should not be left to the 
hostess. If the children are of high-school age, the boys 
may be trusted to escort the girls to their homes. 

When children are very young they have no concep- 

21 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


tion of time. The hostess may say, “Let us have one 
more game, children, before you start home.” Or she 
may suggest a final march which the young ones will 
enter with enthusiasm, and the march may lead into the 
room where the wraps are waiting. 

Before departing the guest must seek out both host 
or hostess and mother and offer gratefully, ‘“Good-by, 
Beatrice, it has been a delightful party,” or “Good-by,: 
Mrs. Devoe, I have had such a good time,” or “Thank 
you so much, Mrs. Devoe, for the splendid time I’ve had.” 

If the hostess says, “Good-by, give my love to your 
mother,” the child answers, “Yes, Mrs. Devoe.” 


22 


CHAPTER III 
GOOD MANNERS FOR GROWN-UPS 


Perfection of manners in grown-ups is the mere out- 
growth of the manners inculcated in the well bred child. 
If the reader has observed carefully the instructions 
given for the training of children, there need be little 
further said in general about the etiquette for grown 
people. Certain specific and amplified instructions for 
adults and adult affairs need detailed discussion, and 
this information may conversely be used in bringing up 
the child. 

Some very simple things about manners and customs 
are not clear in the minds of a great many people, 
largely because writers on the subject fail to give these 
matters any prominence, stressing rather the big things, 
which in reality are rarities in the lives of myriads of 
gentlemen and ladies. To give a formal dinner re- 
quires almost unlimited resources. Those who are in 
a position to give big formal dinners need no instruction, 
or, if they do not know how to proceed, they can always 
hire social secretaries or professionals to complete all the 
arrangements. 

Existent codes of etiquette give no specific recognition 
to the little informal dinner as it might be given in a 
home where there are no servants or where there is 
only one servant and where means are limited. But, 


23 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


since the avowed purpose of this book is to make clear 
to those in doubt prevailing good practices, it has been 
deemed advisable to outline a course midway between 
the large formal and the “little” informal dinner. The 
dinner of the Albright’s may be presumed to have taken 
place in a little detached one-family house or in an 
apartment. The practices are those of the more. pre- 
sumptuous affairs made adaptable to the small dinner in 
the small home. 

With the object of pointing out many little details 
which it would be superfluous to enumerate in describ- 
ing the proper training of children, the remainder of this 
chapter is devoted to “A Week-End at Home.” In this 
effort the reader is to observe a family of cultured people 
of moderate circumstances in a moderate little home of 
true character going through all the practices of refine- 
ment and breeding. 

The incidents recounted are merely supposed to be 
typical examples exhibiting informal good manners, 
based on formal customs and practices. Thus the action 
might be termed semi-formal, and from the facts given 
one may easily devolve the informal customs: they are 
precisely the same as the formal, but with less formality. 


A WEEK-END AT HOME 


THE DINNER HOUR 


Custom in the particular locality may govern the hour 
‘at which a dinner is held. The hour in New York is 
eight o’clock. Mrs. Albright’s dinner was set for eight. 
In New York, if the dinner is to be followed by a visit 


24 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to the opera or theatre, one is usually asked for seven- 
fifteen or seven-thirty. 


THE INFORMAL INVITATIONS 


The invitations have, of course, all been sent out. As 
a matter of course, the acknowledgments and regrets 
have all been received and Mrs. Albright knows just 
whom to expect, and she is satisfied that her guests are 
well chosen, that there will be an even number of men 
and women, and everything is all bright. 

Mrs. Albright’s invitations were written in the second 
person and were not spaced according to set words on 
each line, but were merely written in two paragraphs, as 
follows: 


Dear Mrs. WILBURT: 
Will you and Mr. Wilburt dine with us on 
Friday, the eighth of November, at eight o’clock? 
Hoping so much for the pleasure of seeing 
you, 
Very sincerely, 
ETHEL WILKENS ALBRIGHT. 


An informal note of invitation is usually sent out 
about a week before the date set. Invitations to very 
close friends may be sent only three days in advance. 
Formal invitations are sent from ten days to three 
weeks in advance. The date on which the invitation is 
sent does not appear on the invitation. Formal invita- 
tions, if written, are identical in form to the engraved 
invitation, and are in the third person. 


25 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE INFORMAL NOTE OF ACCEPTANCE 
OR REGRET 


All except two of Mrs. Albright’s friends accepted her 
dinner invitation in somewhat the following manner: 


Dear Mrs. ALBRIGHT: . 
It will give us much pleasure to dine with you 
on Friday, the eighth, at eight o’clock. 
Thanking you for your kind thought of us, 
Sincerely yours, 
JOSEPHINE RIVERS. 


and the other one expressed regrets: 


DEAR Mrs. ALBRIGHT: 

We are so sorry that we shall be unable to 
dine with you on the eighth, as we have a pre- 
vious engagement. 

With many thanks for your kindness in think- 
ing of us, 

Very sincerely, 
EpITH CASEY. 


It is perhaps needless to say that acceptance Or regrets 
must be sent at once so that the hostess may know how 
many to expect, or to provide other guests for those 
sending regrets. Of the two, regrets must be sent the 
more promptly, for it does not look well for a hostess 
to issue an eleventh-hour invitation, and it would be very 
bad if she could not get a substitute. 

26 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE INVITATION BY TELEPHONE 


Though present practice broadly sanctions the sending 
and answering by telephone of the informal invitation 
to dine or lunch, or to play bridge, or tennis, or golf, 
or to motor, Mrs. Albright is one of the letter-loving hos- 
tesses. She has, however, sent one invitation by tele- 
phone. This to a friend whose time she knows to be 
particularly occupied, and thus, to save Mrs. Alvah 
Brightstone the labor of writing an acceptance, she tele- 
phoned the following: 


“Is this Brightwater ooo? Will you please 
ask Mr. and Mrs. Brightstone if they will dine 
with Mrs. Johnson Albright next Friday, the 
eighth, at eight o’clock? Mrs. Albright’s tele- 
phone number is Glory, one, two, three.” 


This was the answer: 


“Please tell Mrs. Albright that Mr. and Mrs. 
Alvah J. Brightstone will dine with her on Fri- 
day, the eighth, with pleasure.” 


Mrs. Albright was glad the answer did not come like 
this: 


“Will you please tell Mrs. Albright that Mr. 
and Mrs, Alvah J. Brightstone are very sorry 
that they will be unable to dine with her next 
Tuesday, and thank her for asking them.” 


27 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


If Mrs. Brightstone weren’t such a busy woman, Mrs. 
Albright might have asked whether she were in, and if 
Mrs. Brightstone had answered the telephone, the con- 
versation might have been like this: 


Mrs. ALBRIGHT: 

“Is that you, Mrs. Brightstone (or Alice, if 
they are quite familiar)? This is Mrs. Al- 
bright (or Ethel). Will you and your husband 
(or Alvah) dine with us Friday, at eight 
o’clock ?” 

Mrs. BRIGHTSTONE: 
“Friday? That’s the eighth. We'd love to?” 


THE NOTE OF APOLOGY 


Mrs. Brightstone, after hurriedly accepting Mrs. Al- 
bright’s telephone invitation, found that a previous ap- 
pointment which she had neglected to record in her 
engagement book prevented her from attending. She 
telephoned, and later wrote: } 


DEAR Mrs. ALBRIGHT: 
I deeply apologize for my seeming rudeness in 
having to send the message about Friday night. 
When I accepted your invitation I stupidly 
forgot that we were anticipating the arrival of 
some week-end guests on Friday evening, and 
Alvah and I could not therefore go out! 

We were too disappointed and hope that you 
know how sorry we were not to be with you. 
Very sincerely, 

VERONICA BRIGHTSTONE. 
28 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE IMPROMPTU INVITATION AND REPLY 


\ When occasion arises to hastily replace a person who 
Ca given an eleventh-hour notification of inability to 

e present, one may call upon a close friend to fill the 
gap. Invitations so made are the same as the others, if 
time permits sending a note, but most generally they are 
made by telephone, personally, by word of mouth 
through some member of the family, or by messenger. 
If by messenger, one must reply at once, sending the 
note right back. The reply of acceptance may express 
pleasure at being asked and pleasure in being able to 
assist a friend in need, and is rather informal. One 
should not accept an impromptu invitation if one has 
never before been asked to the house of the hostess, but 
amiable friends and acquaintances usually accept if they 
are at liberty. | 


wi INTRODUCTION. BY | LETTER 


Another of Mrs. Albright’s guests is rather an un- 
known quantity, though the friend in New London who 
introduced Miss Banton is such an old and so dear a 
friend that Mrs. Albright has absolutely no fears. This 
letter was mailed by Miss Banton to Mrs. Albright: 


DEAR Mrs. ALBRIGHT: 

My friend, Miss Banton, 1s planning a rather 
prolonged stay in New York to study sociologi- 
cal conditions there. I do not feel that I can do 
her a greater service than to recommend her to 


29 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


your kind interest. The memories of delightful 
hours spent with you I cherish with infinite 
pleasure. Then, too, your interest in welfare 
work should make your acquaintance with 
Miss Banton a point of mutual interest and ad- 
vantage. 

Please give my kindest regards to Mr. Al- 
bright and your children. . 

With many thanks for the courtesies you may 
show Miss Banton, I am, ; 

Yours most sincerely, 
EVELYN EARNEST. 


This letter is very brief. That is as it should be. 
Topics irrelevant to the purpose have no place in letters 
of introduction. The introduction should occupy a page 
or a page and a half of a note sheet, and should state the 
facts clearly and concisely, in somewhat the style exem- 
plified above. 

Miss Banton had inclosed her card with the letter 
and Mrs. Albright promptly called at the young lady’s 
address and left her card, a respect immediately repaid 
by Miss Banton. Consequently, and rightly so, Miss 
Banton received an invitation to Mrs. Albright’s dinner 
on Friday, the eighth. 

Full details and examples of the letter of introduction 
may be found in the chapter on letters. 


ARRIVAL AND RECEPTION OF GUESTS 


Mrs. Albright’s dinner was set for eight o’clock. At 
precisely seven-forty Mr. Albright goes to the hall to 


30 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


meet George Brophy, the first arrival. They shake 
hands cordially and Mr. Albright tells Mr. Brophy how 


\ pleased he is to welcome him. Mr. Brophy responds by 


saying that he is delighted to be present. Mrs. Al- 


\bright is still assisting Jane in looking after the final 


preparations. Mr. Albright shows Mr. Brophy to the 
men’s dressing room and is helping him dispose of his 
coat when the bell rings again. Mr. Albright apologizes 
and goes to admit Mr. and Mrs. Wilburt, extending his 
hand first to Mrs., then to Mr. Wilburt, assuring them, 
too, that he is pleased at their arrival. Mrs. Albright, 
hearing the voices, comes to the living room in time to 
see the people passing through the hall. At the same 
moment Mrs. Wilburt catches sight of the hostess and 
she steps into the room and exchanges pleasant greet- 
ings, the hostess expressing delight at their arrival, the 
guest assuring the hostess that they are indeed pleased to 
be present. Ladies do not, according to fashionable prac- 
tice, make their first appearance without hats, so that, as 
in this case, if the hostess is conveniently about, ladies 
may first step into the living room, or drawing room, 
and then be shown to the dressing room. Mr. Wilburt 
meets Mrs. Albright as she comes into the hall with Mrs. 
Wilburt and the two former exchange greetings. Then 
Mr. and Mrs. Albright escort Mr. and Mrs. Wilburt to 
the respective dressing rooms. 
(In a large home, guests are admitted by the butler.) 


THE DRESSING ROOMS 


Everything for the convenience of the women guests 
must be provided. In the ladies’ dressing room there 


atl 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


should be an array of toilet necessities: brushes, combs, 
hairpins, powder with stacks of individual cotton balls, or 
a roll of cotton in a receptacle to be pulled. 

In the lavatory there must be a supply of fresh soap 
and a goodly supply of hand towels. 


ANNOUNCING THE PARTNERS 


Mrs. Albright follows good practice in addressing an 
envelope to each gentleman, in which is placed a small 
card to fit, bearing the name of the lady he is to take to 
dinner. The card is always plain white, about an inch or 
slightly less in height, and about two inches long. The 
envelopes are placed on a silver tray which is presented 
to each gentleman as he enters the drawing room. The 
envelopes are left unsealed so that the card is easily 
removed and the name can readily be seen. The host 
may see that the gentlemen get the cards, or, if no cards 
are used, he may inform each gentleman who is to be 
his partner. 


THE WEEK-END GUEST 


Mr. and Mrs. Rivers, the next arrivals, are going to 
stay for the week-end, Their bags and wraps are taken 
right to their room, and Mr. Rivers goes to tidy up a bit 
while Mrs. Rivers makes use of the toilet conveniences 
provided for her in her room. 


THE TIME ALLOWANCE 


It is now four minutes past eight. Miss Banton is the 
only guest missing, but of course Mrs. Albright always 


32 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


gives her guests the customary twenty minutes’ grace 
before announcing dinner. And then, too, Miss Banton 
is a stranger in town and may experience some difficulty 
getting about—but there is the bell now! 


THE SELF-MADE INTRODUCTION — 


Mrs. Albright being upstairs with the ladies, her hus- 
band takes it upon himself to admit Miss Banton. He 
knows quite certainly that it is she, for all things indicate 
the fact. He says: 

“Miss Banton, I presume? I am Mr. Albright. I am 
so glad you came.” 

Miss Banton proffers her hand, saying: 

“How do you do? I am delighted to be present.” 

Meantime Mrs. Albright comes down and shakes hands 
with Miss Banton, saying: “So glad you came, Miss 
Banton. I hope you did not experience any difficulty in 
getting here.” 

Miss Banton is escorted to the dressing room by Mrs. 
Albright, while Mr. Albright returns to the living room to 
entertain the other guests. 


INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP 


Wihen Mrs. Albright returns to the living room she 
takes a seat quite near the door. Shortly after Miss 
Banton makes her appearance Mrs. Albright rises and 
says to Mrs. Wilburt, with whom the hostess had been 
conversing, “Mrs. Wilburt, Miss Banton,” with this in- 
flection : 

Has it come? It is not! 

i oa 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


This introduction was properly executed. The unmar- 
ried lady was presented to the married one, and such is 
the custom unless the married one is very much the 
younger. The more important name was pronounced 
with slightly rising inflection, the secondary as a mere 
statement. Nor did Mrs. Wilburt rise. She just ex- 
tended her hand and said, “How do you do?” This was 
proper, for Mrs. Wilburt is somewhat older than Miss 
Banton. 

Mrs. Rivers is seated close by, so that it is unnecessary 
for Mrs. Albright to repeat, “Miss Banton”; she just 
turns to Mrs. Rivers and says, “Mrs. Rivers.” This lady 
rises (the two ladies are of one age), extends her hand 
and says, “How do you do?” Mrs. Albright now looks 
across the room and says: 

“Miss Banton—Mr. Brophy, Mr. Rivers”—a gentleman 
is always presented to a lady, even if he be old and distin- 
guished and the lady only a mite of a girl. Both gentle- 
men had, of course, risen upon the entrance of Miss 
Banton. 

If a man and wife are being introduced, the wife would 
be introduced first and then the husband’s name would 
be repeated, but the name of the other person would be 
mentioned only once. 

If a new arrival had to pass through the living room to 
the dressing room, she might be introduced right then, 
if the guests were just in such position that it might be 
gracefully done. If the hostess happened to be quite 
alone, she might just greet the new arrival and show her 
to the dressing room, leaving the introduction until later. 

The complete forms for introduction may be found 
in a later chapter on Introductions. 

34 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ANNOUNCEMENT OF DINNER 


The introductions are scarcely over when the servant 
appears in the doorway and announces softly, in a voice 
loud enough to be heard by the hostess, “Dinner is 
served.” It is incorrect to say, “Dinner is ready’—it is 
boorish to shout the announcement. 

Mr. Albright, as host, offers his arm to Miss Banton 
and leads the way to the dining room. All the other gen- 
tlemen offer their arms to the ladies appointed them. Mr. 
Rivers escorts Mrs. Wilburt, Mr. Wilburt Mrs. Rivers, 
while Mr. Brophy and Mrs. Albright come last. 


PLACE CARDS 


Proper practice is also followed by Mrs. Albright in 
having place cards on the table. These are usually put 
above the “place” plate (which is nothing but the dinner 
plate at each person’s place) on the tablecloth. Some peo- 
ple put them on top of the napkin on the “place’’ plate, 
becatise in that position they are more easily read. The 
place card is usually plain white, about an inch and a half 
high by two inches long, sometimes larger. People of old 
family have their crest embossed white; occasionally, 
when family custom dictates, the crest is stamped in gold. 
Nothing else is ever engraved on a place card. 

Hand-painted place cards are used only for Christmas 
or birthday dinners. 


SEATING 


At very formal dinners there is usually a table diagram 
in the hall. If not, the butler, who has studied the seating 


35 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and familiarized himself with the names of the guests, 
stands just within the dining-room door and directs each 
gentleman either “Right” or “Left.” 

But there is no stringent precedence at Mrs. Albright’s 
little dinner. Miss Banton is the lady of honor, and Mrs. 
Wilburt has been given the next place, on the left of the 
host. Very diplomatically done! Mrs. Rivers is a more 
intimate friend and Mrs. Albright knows she will under- 
stand. Besides, it’s such a very informal little dinner! 

As host, Mr. Albright leads Miss Banton to the place 
of honor, and Mr. Rivers leads Mrs. Wilburt to the right, © 
which places her at Mr. Albright’s left (a lady on each 
side of him), and Mr. Wilburt takes Mrs. Rivers’ left and 
places her at the end, placing himself between Miss Ban- 
ton and Mrs. Rivers, while Mrs. Albright goes right, at 
the end, next to Mr. Rivers, and Mr. Brophy takes the 
foot of the table opposite the host. 

Ordinarily the host and hostess properly belong at the 
ends, but a table of eight (or any multiple of four), ac- 
commodating only one person at each end, requires that 
' the hostess sit on the side, putting a man in the position 
properly held by her. This arrangement, however, car- 
ries out the desirable alternation of ladies and gentlemen. 
The fact that the host faces a gentleman and the hostess a 
lady is not noticeable. The proper placing of the lady at 
the right of her partner is also thus carried out. Most im- 
portant, at a formal dinner, is the seating of the guest of 
honor on the host’s right, the second lady in rank on his 
left, the most distinguished or oldest gentleman on the 
right of the hostess. 

Since the lady is to sit at the gentleman’s right, she 
takes his right arm in going in to dinner. 

36 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


WHEN TO BE SEATED 


When the hostess has reached her place, her escort, in 
the absence of a butler, holds her chair and when she 
is seated the other ladies sit, each gentleman hold- 
ing his partner’s chair. The gentlemen then take their 
places. 

The ladies remove their gloves and place them in 
their laps. The napkin, opened to all but the last fold, 
so that it is half folded, is placed in the lap over the 
gloves. : 


THE TABLE SETTING 


The guests who sit down to a dinner at Mrs. Albright’s 
always find it a model of perfection, in so far, at least, as 
placing and spacing is concerned. Everything on the 
table is geometrically spaced. The centerpiece is a cen- 
terpiece, not a side piece, nor a near-centerpiece—it is 
placed in the center. The “places” are equidistant from 
each other and all the utensils are balanced. To be cor- 
rect, this basic rule must be stringently observed. 

True as a plum-line, the middle crease of Mrs. Al- 
bright’s damask tablecloth cuts its way exactly from 
head to foot down the center of the table. Damask over 
felt is old-fashioned and conservative but best style 
for a room of no special design or for a high-ceilinged 
room of French or English design. For an Italian room, 
and particularly for a refectory table, lace tablecloths are 
better suited. Tablecloths with lace insertions must never 
be put over satin or over a color. Handkerchief linen 
tablecloths, embroidered and inserted with lace, are suited 


3/ 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to low-ceilinged, old-fashioned, but beautifully appointed 
rooms, but the lace to appear in proper taste must be put 
over a bare table, without felt or other lining. Elaborate 
designs produce a vulgar effect. Needlework in a 
beautifully furnished home must be fine. With the 
exception of big scrolled patterns, Italian needlework 
or mosaic are in perfect keeping and good taste in a 
bungalow or cottage or in a home whose furnishings 
are not too fine. In such a home coarse linen, coarse 
embroidery, Russian drawn-work of all sorts, are also 
acceptable. 

The figure of a peasant girl of Japan bearing on her 
shoulder an urn which forms a receptacle for a few very 
pretty artificial cherry blossoms is the centerpiece on 
Mrs. Albright’s table. Any becoming figure or ornament, 
not too large or too high to obscure the view of the guests 
from one another, and preferably some vessel which may 
hold flowers, may be appropriated for this purpose. 
Four candlesticks without shades (“no shades” being 
fashion’s momentary decree) grace the corners of the 
table, placed about midway between the center and the 
edge of the table. Two candelabra placed at either end, 
halfway between the places of the host and hostess and 
the centerpiece, may be used instead of the candlesticks. 
Candlesticks or candelabra must be sufficiently high, and 
the candles proportionately long, to bring the flame well 
above people’s eyes. But whether candelabra or candle- 
sticks with shades or without, there are candles on dinner 
tables always! Fashion has ruled out the drop light. 
Nothing will satisfy Dame Fashion but candles !—few or 
many, whether individual candlesticks or candelabra, 
there must be candles! 

38 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


In order to give ample elbow room plates should be 
' placed about two feet apart, measuring from center to 
center. With this distance there is sufficient space for 
free movement, and not too much to require neighbors 
to shout to be heard. Chairs with low, narrow backs per- 
mit closer seating if necessary, and round tables also 
enable closer arrangement of chairs, as the round fur- 
nishes a wedge of space between the backs of the chairs. 
The ideal and comfortable distance between chairs on 
the long side of a rectangular table is about one foot. 


SE Uli Nr PLACKS 


Accurate placing of the necessary number of plates at 
equal distances is the first step in the actual setting. 
Initials or ornaments on the plates are placed at the top. 
On the left, nearest the plate, handle toward the edge of 
the table, prongs up, is placed the salad fork, next the 
meat fork, then the fish fork. This arrangement has the 
forks in the order of their use, beginning farthest from 
the plate. If there is an entrée, the fork for this course is 
placed between the fish fork and the fork for the roast, 
and the salad fork is brought in later. Nearest the plate, 
on the right, is put the meat knife, and next the silver 
fish knife. Both edges are toward the plate, handles, of 
course, toward the table edge. Next to the fish knife 
' comes the soup spoon, and on the extreme right, the oyster 
fork or grapefruit spoon. Additional knives and forks 
are put on the table during dinner. 

The water goblet heads the array of glasses. Its place 
is at the top and to the right of the knives. Grouped to 
the right of the goblet, or in a straight line, slanting down 


39 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


obliquely from the goblet toward the right, are the wine 
glasses ; three in number, for cordial, cocktail, and wine. 
Butter plates are never put on a dinner table. The dinner 
napkin, folded square, is placed on each “place” plate. 
If the napkin is very large, the sides are folded in to 
make a flat roll—about one-third the width of its height. 
Nothing is ever folded in the napkin. Fancy foldings 
are not permissible. 

Compotiers, silver dishes holding candy or fruit, are 
placed at the four corners between the candlesticks or 
candelabra and the centerpiece; or wherever four equally 
spaced vacancies can be found. If the table is very large, 
the four compotiers are filled with candy, and two or four 
larger silver dishes or baskets filled with fruit are put in 
alternating positions with the candy dishes. Flowers are 
often put in two or four smaller vases if the centerpiece 
is a vase with flowers. 

Salt cellars and pepper pots should be put at every 
other place. For a dinner of twelve there should be at 
least six salt cellars, if not six pepper pots. A dinner 
table for eight should have not less than four salt cellars 
and preferably four pepper pots. 

Olives and radishes are served from the side table. 
Salted nuts are often put on the table in two big silver 
dishes, or in small individual dishes. Bread (rolls of 
some sort) is served in silver or wicker baskets. Water 
is served to those who wish it. 


THE SILVER—HOW TO KEEP IT BRIGHT 


Silver must not merely be clean, it must be bright. 
Sooner no silver than silver that does not shine. Yellow, 


40 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


finger-marked silver and soiled collar and cuffs are 
analogous. Better buy plain plated knives and forks that 
are easily polished than sterling intricately designed and 
crevised, giving the fact that they are difficult to keep 
clean as an excuse for their lusterless appearance. 

In large houses silver is polished by experts. Its ap- 
pearance is always such that no one can tell whether or 
not it has just come from the silversmith’s. It is not 
merely polished to brightness, but is burnished so that 
itis new. Never is a servant permitted to handle a piece 
of silver with bare hands, but always with a rouged 
chamois. No piece is ever permitted to even slightly 
touch another piece. Silver pieces are always washed 
individually, never in bunches. If a handle becomes 
scratched, the silver polisher must spend infinite time and 
patience, using his thumb or a silver buffer to rub away 
every vestige of a mark. 

In laying out the silver for dinner it should never be 
handled otherwise than with a rouged chamois. It should 
be given a quick wipe-off as it is laid in place. 


DO’S AND DONT’S IN TABLE SETTING 


Don’t serve pickles, jellies, jams, olives, catsup, relishes, 
and things of like nature in jars—neither preserving jars 
nor the manufacturers’ jars. These and all cold-meat 
condiments are put in small glass dishes with small serv- 
ing spoons. Nothing except certain kinds of cheese and 
sometimes Bar-le-Duc preserves, and wines are ever 
served in the jars or bottles in which they come. 
Crackers and toothpicks have no place on the private 
house table. Crackers are passed with oyster stew and 
salad. 

4I 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Extra plates are never permitted at dinner. Saucers 
for vegetables are contrary to all etiquette. Bread and 
butter plates are used at breakfast, lunch, and supper, 
but never at dinner. (They are put above and to the left 
of the forks.) In fashionable houses the cresent-shaped » 
salad plate, which fits conveniently at the side of the 
place plate, is only seen when two plates are made nec- 
essary by the serving of game or broiled chicken or 
squab, which requires a very hot plate, at the same time 
with salad, which is cold. 

The partitioned vegetable dish for a family of two is 
a very good serving dish, and is likewise correct. It en- 
ables the convenient passing of a small quantity of two 
or three vegetables at a time. 

Napkins must be perfectly spotless and unrumpled. In 
large families where it is impossible to have three clean 
napkins a day, napkin rings are probably a necessity. In 
most moderately run houses the napkin that is clean and 
unrumpled after a meal is used again for breakfast. 
_ Needless to say, however, when guests are present, the 
napkin ring and the once-used napkin must not appear. 

Ribbons, bands, and bows have no more place at table 
than bottles and jars. The desire to decorate the table 
should be confined to the use of the centerpiece and the 
things previously mentioned. Artistic simplicity should 
be the aim, rather than showy display. 


MENU > 


For the past twenty-five years formal dinners have not 
usually exceeded eight courses. Three, or four courses 
at most, is the extent of the menu of even the very rich 
when alone. 


42 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The menu for an informal dinner leaves out the entrée, 
and possibly the hors-d’ceuvre or the soup. It may be 
constituted as follows: 


1. Soup Or: 1. Hors-d’ceuvre 
2. Fish 2. Fish 

3. Roast 3. Roast 

4. Salad 4. Salad 

5. Dessert 5. Dessert 

6. Coffee 6. Coffee 


THE BALANCED MENU 


Mrs. Albright’s menu is very well balanced. She is 
offering this: 


. Hors-d’ceuvre. 

. Purée of tomato soup. 

. Fried smelts. 

. Sweetbread croquettes. 

. Broiled squab, mashed potato, and string beans. 
. Lettuce salad with crackers. 

. Ice cream. 

. Coffee. 


COny HUN BW YH 


Such a menu provides ample variety for the small din- 
ner and has sufficient nutritive value to appease the appe- 
tite of the average man. There is nothing objectionable 
about any of the dishes, all are those most likely to be 
acceptable to most tastes. Nor is the dinner of one flavor- 
less tone. There is not a succession of similar flavors nor 
a oneness of sauces. 

43 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


CORRECT SERVICE OF DINNER 


THE ORDER OF SERVICE 


All in readiness, Mrs. Albright nods to Jane, who pro- 
ceeds to serve the soup. The first thing to be passed is 
the olives, which Mrs. Albright has in readiness on her 
table-service wagon. Jane passes these to each guest, 
and each one lays a few on the plate. They are taken up 
in the fingers. Next the soup is served. Jane is adept in 
the art of carrying dishes and hence has no difficulty in 
safely carrying two plates of soup at a time. Whether 
one or two dishes may be carried at a time depends upon 
the ability of the servant. The lady of honor is first to 
be served and the lady to the left of the host is next. 
The service then continues around to the left to the gen- 
tlemen and ladies as they come, skipping the lady of 
honor at the end and serving the host last. Jane persists 
in following this precedent. Very often the service 
continues around to the right after the lady of honor has 
been served, but this causes the lady second in precedence 
to be served last. Another way to serve a table of eight 
is to begin with the lady of honor and proceed down to 
the end of her side of the table and then start with the 
lady second in precedence, and proceed down her side of 
the table, serving the host last. This is also a very 
acceptable method. 

At a well-ordered dinner of ten or twelve no hot dish 
should be presented to more than six, or nine at the most. 
Ata dinner of twelve, for example, two dishes of six por- 
tions each, garnished exactly alike, are presented at oppo- 
site ends of the table, one to the lady on the right of the 


44 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


host, the other to the lady at the opposite end, and the 
services continue around to the right. Occasionally, as 
described above, one service starts with the lady of 
honor, and another opposite her with the lady second in 
precedence, skipping also the gentleman on the left of 
the second lady, coming back to this gentleman just be- 
fore the host. This is perhaps not so convenient a 
method, for both services going down the table in the 
same direction meet and crowd both table and diners at 
the foot, when there are not sufficient servants to immedi- 
ately remove the dishes. This method of service also 
leaves another gentleman, as well as the host, sitting be- 
tween two ladies who are eating, while he is apparently 
forgotten, but it accomplishes the purpose of not serving 
the lady who is second in precedence last. A very fair 
way is to vary the “honor” by serving the entrée and salad 
courses to the lady on the left first instead of to the lady 
on the right, continuing the service of these two courses. 
around to the left. | 

A dinner of eighteen has sometimes two services, but 
if very perfect, three. When there are three services they 
start with the lady of honor and the sixth from her on 
either side and continue to the right. 


THE EVER-PRESENT PLATE 


Correct procedure requires a plate always present at 
every cover from the setting until the table is cleared for 
dessert. The plate on which the oysters or hors-d’ceuvre 
are served is put on top of the place plate. The course 
over, only the used plate is removed, the place plate re- 
maining for the soup plate to be placed upon. Soup plate 


and place plate are removed together, but are immedi- 
G. Man.—C 45 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ately replaced by a hot dinner plate for the service of 
hot fish. 


THE EXCHANGE PLATE 


If the first course at Mrs. Albright’s little dinner were 
to be a canapé or any cold dish offered in bulk to be 
followed by soup, instead of being brought in on sepa- 
rate plates it would have been eaten from the place plate. 
This would require an exchange plate before the soup 
could be served. A clean plate would have to be ex- 
changed for the used one and the soup plate would then 
be put on top of that. A plate with food on it can never 
be exchanged for a plate that has had food on it; a clean 
one must come between. 

If an entrée served on individual plates follows the fish, 
clean plates are first exchanged for the used ones. When 
the whole table is set with clean plates the entrée is put at 
each place in exchange for the clean plate. 


MANNER OF PRESENTING AND REMOVING DISHES 
AND UTENSILS 


Dishes are always presented at the left of the person 
served, plates are removed and replaced at the right. 
Glasses are poured and additional knives placed at the 
right, while forks are put on as needed from the left. 
Never must anything be passed in front of anyone, nor 
may the person placing a fork, for instance, stand at the 
right of the person seated and reach across to place the 
fork at the person’s left. It is permissible, however, to 
stand between the chairs of two people and give a fork to 
the person on the right and then face the person on the 
left to place a knife. ) 

46 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DINNER ROLLS OR BREAD 


As soon as soup is served, the table attendant passes a 
dish or a basket of dinner rolls. Bread, if rolls are not 
obtainable, is cut in about two-inch thick slices and cut 
crossways again in three. A guest helps himself with his 
fingers and lays the roll or bread on the tablecloth— 
always. 


BUTTER 


No bread plates are ever on a table where there is no 
butter, and butter should never be served at a dinner. 
When there is no bread left at anyone’s place more should 
be passed. 


THE TABLE-SERVICE WAGON 


You may ask how one maid is to manage all this. She 
cannot. That is, if everything is to run smoothly and if 
the dinner is not to last too long. 

Mrs. Albright manages very well. She has a table- 
service wagon, which stands at her right (with a table 
of eight on the left), and may be wheeled in and out as 
she finds it necessary, though Mrs. Albright manages an 
informal dinner without having to move it. In the 
drawer are one or two extra napkins and extra silver for 
each course to provide for accident or emergency. The 
coffee service is placed on top of the service wagon, with 
dishes for the several courses arranged on the shelves of 
the wagon from top to bottom in the order of require- 
ment. Mrs. Albright usually finds space for a few little 
things more, such as bread or rolls, but she makes it a 
practice not to overload the wagon. It is more useful 


47 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


when things are more easily found and reached. Thus 
it is that things can be made to run well. Mrs. Albright 
usually passes the rolls just so soon as the soup is served. 
Then, too, she is always ready to coach Jane with a quiet 
word as to the dishes next required. 


THE SERVING TABLE 


Thus, with the aid of the table-service wagon and the 
serving table, Mrs. Albright’s dinners are successfully 
maneuvered. The serving table is generally an ordinary 
table placed in the corner of the dining room near the 
door to the pantry, and behind a screen so as not to be 
visible to the guests at table. But as Mrs. Albright’s din- 
ing room is not so very large, she has made use of a dis- 
carded set of shelves which has been nicely painted white. 
This furnishes a halfway station between the dining room 
and pantry. It holds an extra supply of dishes and knives 
and forks. Jane always keeps the two upper shelves clear 
for placing the dishes to be served next in readiness and 
also for keeping in readiness for second helping dishes 
already served. Ata formal dinner second helpings are 
never served. 


PRESENTING DISHES 


Flat upon the palm of the servant’s hand—such is the 
manner of presenting every dish. It is necessary to fold 
a napkin to be used as a pad under hot dishes. An espe- 
cially heavy meat platter may be steadied by holding the 
edge. A napkin to prevent burning may also be employed 
when doing so. 

Each dish is accompanied by the implements required 
for helping it. A serving spoon (somewhat larger than 


48 


~ 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


an ordinary tablespoon) is put on all dishes, and a fork 
of large size is added for fish, meat, salad, and vegetables 
or other dishes that are hard to help. String beans, 
braised celery, spinach en branche, and foods of like 
nature require a fork and spoon. Asparagus has numer- 
ous special lifters and tongs. Most people, however, use 
the ordinary spoon and fork. The spoon is placed under- 
neath and the fork is used, prongs down, to hold the 
stalks on the spoon while being removed. Corn on the 
cob is taken with the fingers, but is never served at a 
dinner party. Peas, mashed potatoes, rice, and other soft 
foods are offered with a spoon only. 


FILLING GLASSES 


As soon as the first course has been served Jane goes 
to Mrs. Albricht’s little service wagon to get the water. 
She proceeds from guest to guest on the right side, ask- 
ing, “Apollinaris or plain water?” and fills the goblet ac- 
cordingly. In the same way she later serves whatever 
happens to be available, be it cider, grapefruit cups, or 
wine. 

A guest must never permit wine to be served and 
then not drink it. 


GLASSES AND THEIR CONTENTS 


A word here as to the glasses and what they may con- 
tain. The formal decree has not yet been issued as to 
whether or not people will offer frappéd cider or some 
other iced drink in the middle of dinner, and a warm 
drink of something else to take the place of claret with 
the fish. A water glass standing alone at each place 
makes a poor showing. Most people put on at least two 


49 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


“wine glasses, sherry and champagne, or claret and sherry, 

and pour something pinkish or yellowish into them. 
Those who still have cellars and those who arrange to 
have some wine made in their own homes, serve wine just 
as they used to; white wine, claret, sherry, and Burgundy 
warm, champagne ice cold. Green mint poured over 
crushed ice in little glasses is served after dinner. This 
and other liqueurs are poured at room temperature. 
Whisky is always poured at the table over ice in a tall 
tumbler, each gentleman signifying “when” by putting 
the hand out. Apollinaris or soda is then added to fill 
the glass. 


CLEARING TABLE FOR DESSERT 


At every dinner of any description, whether one mem- 
ber of the family is alone or if a group of friends are 
present, the plates of whatever course precedes the des- 
sert are all removed, leaving the table plateless. Salt 
cellars and pepper pots are taken off on the bare serving 
tray. Crumbs are brushed off each place with a folded 
napkin onto a tray held under the edge of the table. 
There is no objection to the use of a crumber when the 
tablecloth is perfectly plain and over a mat, but when the 
tablecloth is embroidered, or of lace, the napkin has been 
found to be of better service, and when the cloth is over 
the bare board consideration for the table augurs well for 
the use of the napkin. 


DESSERTS 


There have been discrepancies as to just what consti- 
tutes dessert. Broadly speaking, dessert means anything 


50 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


sweet that comes at the end of a meal. Good usage of 
good society regards the “sweets” at the end of the dinner, 
which include ice cream and cake, as “dessert.” Pie, 
which vies with ice cream for supremacy as the great 
American dessert, is not a “company” dish. Ice cream is 
the customary dessert at a formal dinner. Usually it is 
served in one mold. 


DESSERT SERVICE 


Coming at the end of the dinner, the dessert service 
should not be hurried or slighted in any respect. It 
should be regarded as the finishing touch and just so im- 
portant to the impression of satisfaction on the part of 
the guests as any of the preceding courses. 

There are two equally accepted and equally used meth- 
ods of serving dessert. The first is quite properly known 
as the “hotel method,” though it is seen in many fashion- 
able private houses. In the use of this method a china 
plate for ice cream or a first course is put on alone and 
the finger bowl on a plate by itself is put on afterward. 
In the second, or “private house” service, the entire des- 
sert paraphernalia is put on at once. 

In the two-course, or hotel service, if the dessert plate 
is of china, it is placed right on the tablecloth, but if of 
glass it has a china dish under it. A china dessert plate 
is a fairly deep and medium-sized plate and it always 
has a dessert spoon and fork on it. After the dessert 
has been eaten, a fruit plate with a finger bowl on it is 
put on in exchange for the dessert dish. A doily is 
placed under the finger bowl and a fruit knife and fork 
go on either side. 


51 


Y, OF ILL. Lig, 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


In the single course, or private house, service, the 
fruit plate goes at the bottom, over this the ice-cream 
plate, and on top of it the finger bowl. A doily is placed 
under the finger bowl. The ice-cream plate and the 
finger bowl are both of glass. The dessert spoon and 
fork go on either side of the finger bowl, instead of the 
fruit knife and fork. When finger bowls and dessert 
dishes match, the service is prettier than otherwise, and 
their use in the single-course service eliminates a change 
(not a removal) of plates. The guest merely lifts the 
finger bowl and doily off and eats his ice cream from the 
glass plate. The glass ice cream dish is then removed, 
leaving the china fruit dish. 

If by chance a guest lifts off the dish with the finger 
bowl and eats his dessert from the fruit dish, it is 
merely necessary for a servant or hostess to see that the 
china plate is replaced by a clean one. 


FRUIT AND SWEETS 


Fruit is passed immediately after the dessert has been 
eaten. Anyone taking fruit must have a fruit knife and 
fork brought to him at once. 

Chocolates, conserves, or whatever the decorative 
sweets may be, are passed last. 


THE FINGER BOWL 


No matter where used, the finger bowl is always less 
than half filled with cold water. Very often at dinner 
parties a few violets, sweet peas, or a gardenia may be 
put init. A slice of lemon to remove grease is never seen 


52 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


outside of chop houses where eating with the fingers is 
permissible. As stated above, the bow] should preferably 
match the other dessert dishes, but it may be of another 
design or material. 


USE OF THE FINGER BOWL 


When the guest has eaten his fruit, or his dessert, and 
signifies no wish for fruit, his dessert or fruit dish is 
removed and the finger bowl is placed before him. He 
places the tips of the fingers into the bowl and wets 
them slightly, perhaps rubbing the fingers together once 
or twice. The moistened fingers of the right hand may 
then be raised to the lips to moisten the mouth just a bit. 
Fingers and lips are then touched slightly (matted rather 
than wiped) with the napkin to remove excess moisture. 


FINGER BOWL DOILIES 


The finger bow! doily is about five or six inches in 
diameter, if round, and the same number of inches in 
width and breadth if square. It should be of the finest 
needlework that can be found or afforded. It must ai- 
ways be cream or white for a dinner. 


CARVING ON THE TABLE 


Carving is seldom seen at home dinner tables. Some 
men always like to carve and such do. But it is far 
better to have the carving done in the kitchen while 
the roast is still hot and in the pan close to the range so 
that nothing can be cooled in the carving. The pieces 
should be carefully put together again, and transferred 
to an intensely hot platter. Two purposes are served by 
this method: quicker and easier service and hotter food. 


spo 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


HOST AND HOSTESS 


Both the host and hostess at a little informal dinner 
must be ever alert. It is their duty to see that conversa- 
tion does not lag. They must keep a watchful eye upon 
the guests and regulate the speed with which they them- 
selves eat by the speed of the slowest eater among the 
guests. It is rather disconcerting to the guests when the 
host and hostess hastily dispose of the courses and put 
their knives and forks together long before the more de- 
liberate can have quietly and comfortably enjoyed their 
helpings. | 

When a clergyman comprises one at a dinner party, 
it is considered a compliment and reverence to his cloth 
for the host or hostess to ask that he pronounce a bless- 
ing on the meal. In further reverence the host and hos- 
tess may stand by their chairs with bowed heads as the 
simple office is performed. 

The hostess must show each of her guests equal and 
impartial attention. Although engaged in conversation, 
she must nevertheless notice anything amiss that may 
occur. 


WHEN ACCIDENTS OCCUR 


No matter what happens, she must not become dis- 
concerted, but must attempt to cover the incident and yet 
not appear to be covering it. Hasty exclamations and 
instructions only accentuate the awkwardness of the situ- 
ation. If an unpresentable dish is brought in, she very 
quietly orders that it be replaced by a better. If a guest 
knocks over and breaks a glass, she must do her utmost 


54 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to place the guest at his ease, assuring him that the glass 
is of no consequence (be it ever so expensive), but that 
his comfort is the only consideration. She may say, “I 
am so sorry, but I will have it fixed at once!” She has a 
fresh glass brought in and dismisses all thought of the 
matter. If by chance the new glass does not match, it is 
not necessary to draw this to everyone’s attention—noth- 
ing should be said. When the guest offers apologies, the 
hostess must reassure him by saying, “Please do not feel 
so distressed. No real harm has been done, I am sure.” 

If injury is done to the guest’s belongings, very earnest 
and prompt apologies should come from both host and 
hostess. When a woman’s gown is injured to the point 
where it fequires assistance to be rendered in the dress- 
ing room, the hostess must order the maid to serve the 
lady. If this leaves her without a servant at table, she 
must jump into the breach herself, by first attempting to 
prolong the particular course in progress until the maid 
can return, ot if necessary serving the next course her- 
self. Upon return of the lady whose gown was injured, 
vety hearty apologies should be offered: 

“I am so very, very sorry, Mrs. A. I trust your gown 
has not been seriously damaged.” Or: “This is too bad; 
I can scarcely say how grieved I am.” 

Meanwhile the host must come forward to the unfor- 
tunate one’s side and echo his wife’s regrets. When the 
lady repairs to her seat again he must hold her chair and 
when she is seated he must seat his wife. 

Should the victim of an accident be a masculine guest, 
the heads of the table may express the same degree of 
regret as for a woman, but unless the guest has been 
actually injured, the host does not accompany him to the 


aye) 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


dressing room, unless, of course, there is no one else 
to do so. 


WHEN A GUEST LEAVES THE TABLE 


With the rising of a woman guest to leave the table 
for any reason whatever the host rises and when she 
returns he rises. The hostess may rise in special cases, 
as described above, and under other special conditions. 
The host alone rises when a masculine guest leaves and 
returns to the table. 

If a guest is called from dinner by news of an ex- 
traordinary nature, it is deemed very courteous on the 
part of the host to accompany a woman to the very door 
of her carriage. A doctor called to a patient may leave 
without more ceremony than the exchange of regrets be- 
tween the departing one and the hostess. A guest called 
to the telephone may rise and leave without any special 
ceremony. A woman guest obliged to leave to keep an- 
other appointment elsewhere should find the host rising 
to take leave of her at the dining-room door, while the 
hostess would not feel it necessary to rise from her chair. 


GOOD MANNERS AT TABLE 


It is considered impolite to refuse dishes at the table, 
because refusal seems to imply a dislike for what is of- 
fered. Everyone should therefore take at least a little 
of each offering, since to refuse cannot but distress the 
hostess. If you are “dieting” and have accepted the in- 
vitation with the stipulation that you be not expected to 
eat heartily, your not doing so is excusable; but even then, 
to make your table companion with a good appetite feel 

56 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


at ease, you should not sit throughout a meal with an 
empty plate before you. Elbows may only be rested on 
the table in conversation across the table, never while 
eating. 

FORK, SPOON, FINGERS 


FORK FOODS 


All cooked vegetables (including peas, corn, carrots 
and such) and some uncooked vegetables such as cucum- 
bers, tomatoes, lettuce and other leaf salads, as well as 
potato chips and straws, are taken up with the fork. Pies, 
cream cakes and iced cakes and other sticky or soft 
pastries and desserts are fork foods. Fruits are cus- 
tomarily served accompanied by a fruit knife and fork. 
Oranges are speared with the fork, and the inner and 
outer skins peeled by making deep cuts with the knife. 
Portions are sliced and freed of seeds and conveyed to 
the mouth. Pineapple as well as ginger in syrup is a fork 
and knife or spoon food; when a food does not cut easily 
with the edge of the fork, the knife is used. 

Soft cheeses such as Camembert, Brie, Roquefort, etc., 
are eaten with a fork. Small portions may be transferred 
with the knife to small pieces of bread and eaten so, each 
piece being “prepared” at a time. 

Boiled rice and hominy, unless eaten with cream and 
sugar, are fork foods. 

Fresh figs are cut with the fruit knife and taken up 
_ with the fork. 

Salads, cress, or romaine should not be chopped up, or 
cut at all, with a knife. The leaves should be severed 
with the edge of the fork and dexterously turned over 
into mouthfuls. Tomatoes, cucumbers and beets are cut 


57 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


also with the edge of the fork. In fact, the knife is used 
for cutting only those foods which it is impossible con- 
veniently to cut with the fork. 


SPOON FOODS 


Liquid desserts, berries, creams, ices, soft stewed fruits, 
and all soft or mushy foods of like nature are taken up 
with a spoon. The pits from prunes and cherries are 
severed from the fruit with the aid of the spoon, the 
fruit is then conveyed to the mouth with the spoon. The 
entire fruit must not be taken into the mouth and the pit 
later ejected onto a spoon. 

Soft or hard boiled eggs may not be emptied into a 
receptacle and mushed. The egg is placed in an egg cup 
and the top is cut off. A small egg spoon is used to scoop 
out the contents of the shell. 

All drinks and cup bouillon are only to be stirred and 
tasted with the spoon; they must not be “eaten” with 
the spoon. 

Soups are, of course, spoon foods. The soup plate 
must not be tipped to scrape the last drop; but if it is 
tipped, it should be tipped away from and not toward 
the body. 


A LIST OF FINGER FOODS AND SOME GENERAL ADVICE 


Celery, radishes, nuts, raisins, bonbons, small individ- 
ual cakes, sliced cake, and the majority of raw fruits are 
finger foods. Unstemmed strawberries are dipped into 
sugar and lifted to the mouth. 

Peaches, apples, pears and large plums are not peeled 
or bitten into. They are cut into quarters, peeled and 


mouthfuls cut and taken up in the fingers. 
58 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Grapes, gooseberries, currants, cherries, small plums, 
dates, raisins, olives and radishes are also taken up in the 
fingers. The pits must be inconspicuously ejected into 
the left hand and placed quietly on the plate, that is, the 
pits must not be dropped so that they cause a patter or 
rattle on the plate. Dried figs are purely a finger food. 

Bananas are stripped of their skins and mouthfuls are 
cut as required; these are lifted to the mouth in the 
fingers. 

Artichokes, asparagus and corn on the cob are finger 
foods. Asparagus is held in the fingers by the woody 
end and the tips dipped into the sauce. Artichoke leaves 
are taken in the fingers and dipped one or two at a time 
into the sauce and then taken into the mouth. 

Meat, bird and chicken bones may not be taken up in 
the fingers. The meat that cannot be separated from the 
bones must be sacrificed. 

Lobster claws may be pulled apart with the fingers. 
The meat is taken up with a fork. 

Shrimps in the shell should be separated with the 
fingers. 

The fingers may be used as above described, but not 
to replace sugar tongs or salt cellars. One may not take 
the liberty of picking block sugar out of a bowl with the 
fingers when tongs are missing. A clean spoon should be 
employed for this purpose. 


LEAVING THE TABLE 


Mrs. Albright’s dinner ran rather smoothly throughout. 
Conversation was pleasant and spontaneous, the dishes 
were pleasing and with the exception of a few minor 

oY 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


_ offenses, which do not even bear further mention, the 


dinner has come to a rather successful conclusion. Con- 
sidering that Jane managed the entire dinner—thanks, of 
course, to Mrs. Albright’s early supervision and the tact- 
ful arrangement of the load carried by the table-service 
wagon—the time consumed is well within the fashionable 
requirement. The guests have been seated just thirty-five 
minutes! 

The last dish of chocolates has been passed. No one 
is any longer eating. Mrs. Albright looks across at Miss 
Banton, the lady of honor, and, catching her eye, slowly 
stands up. Miss Banton takes the cue and also stands, 
and in a moment everybody is standing. The ladies leave 


~ alone for the living room. If there is a smoking room, 
’ each gentleman offers his partner his arm on rising from 


the dinner table and conducts her back to the drawing 
room or library or wherever they are to go. Each gen- 
tleman bows slightly in taking leave of his partner, to 
adjourn with the other gentlemen to the smoking room. 
Where there is no smoking room the procedure followed 
at Mrs. Albright’s is good form. 

At a formal dinner it is not necessary to put one’s 
chair back into place; one may simply rise and leave the 
chair where it stands. At a small informal dinner it is 
an act of kindness to unostentatiously put the chair back 
into place. 


COFFEE, LIQUEURS, CIGARS, CIGARET iis: 
AND CONVERSATION 


Black coffee is never served at a fashionable dinner 
table. It is brought afterward into the drawing room 
60 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


for the ladies and into the smoking room for the gentle- 
men. Cigarettes and liqueurs accompany the ladies’ cof- 
fee, and cigars, cigarettes, and liqueurs go with the coffee 
for the gentlemen. 

There is no smoking room at the Albright’s home. Cof- 
fee and cigars are therefore brought to the table for the 
gentlemen after the ladies have gone into the drawing or 
living room. 

The gentlemen sit around the table wherever and with 
whomever they please. It is perfectly correct for a gen- 
tleman to talk to any other who happens to be sitting 
near by, whether they are acquainted or not. The host 
occasionally starts the conversation, if there is a general 
tendency to quietness, by drawing one or the other of the 
gentlemen into the discussion of a topic of general inter- 
est. Recourse to such procedure is very seldom necessary 
when the guests have been wisely selected. At the end 
of about twenty minutes, when there is a momentary 
luli in the conversation the host may suggest, “Shall we 
join the ladies ?” 

In the sitting room or drawing room, meanwhile, the 
ladies are having coffee, liqueurs, and cigarettes passed 
to them. No modern hostess in New York, scarcely even 
an old-fashioned one, does not have cigarettes passed to 
the ladies after dinner. 

Mrs. Albright and her three woman guests form a very 
congenial group. At small dinners, that is to say of 
ten and twelve, the five or six ladies are very apt to form 
one group. At very large dinners they quite naturally 
fall into groups of four or five, with perhaps here and 
there a pair. The hostess always sees to it that none of 
her guests are ever alone, and if there is one of the num- 

61 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ber who is not well acquainted the hostess may draw a 
chair up to one of the groups and invite the single guest 
to sit beside her, meanwhile drawing her artfully into 
the conversation. In any event the hostess must spend 
some time with each group of guests. 

An example of the hostess guiding a newly made ac- 
quaintance into the midst of a conversation is offered at 
Mrs. Albright’s little after-dinner group. She introduces 
into the conversation an incident which she recently 
witnessed in the slums of New York, knowing very well 
that the account would interest Miss Banton, whose pur- 
pose in coming to New York is to study sociological con- 
ditions. This is a typical means of performing the object 
desired and the alert hostess will always adopt some such 
method of encouraging the newcomer to join in the con- 
versation. 


WHEN THE GENTLEMEN RETURN FROM THE 
SMOKING ROOM 


In the midst of the ladies’ conversation the gentlemen, 
having completed their cigars, come back into the living 
room. As they enter, their own conversation ceases and 
they pause a moment at the ladies’ group, thus permitting 
the ladies to continue their discussion to such a point 
where the men may either enter the conversation or sepa- 
rate into smaller groups or couples. It is a steadfast — 
decree of etiquette that the gentlemen should not con- 
tinue to talk together after leaving the smoking room, as 
it is not courteous to those of the ladies who are neces- 
sarily left without partners. | 

If there is a particular lady to whom one of the men 

62 


- 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wants to talk, he naturally and very properly goes di- 
rectly to where she is and sits down beside her. If she 
happens to be flanked on both sides by two other ladies, 
he may ask her to join him elsewhere. He must not look 
too eager or seem too directly to prefer the one lady to 
the other two, so he may say rather casually, “Will you 
come and talk with me?’, whereupon she leaves the other 
ladies and goes to another part of the room and sits 
where there is a vacant seat beside her. Usually, how- 
ever, the gentlemen do not favor such delicate maneuvers 
and prefer rather to join the ladies on the ends, who are 
more accessible. 


AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT 


The usual entertainment after an informal dinner or 
even at a formal dinner, is bridge. Tables are set up in 
the drawing room or in an adjoining room. As every- 
body may not play bridge, it is perhaps more considerate 
at the small dinner to adopt a program productive of gen- 
eral approbation. If any of the guests are talented and 
willing, they may offer musical or vocal entertainment or 
perhaps one gifted in elocution may be induced to recite 
or read. If by good fortune there happens to be a good 
story teller among the guests, by all means permit him 
to entertain. 


DEPARTURE OF THE GUESTS 


An ironclad law of yesteryear demanded that no one 
leave before the guest of honor. To-day, while it is still 


_a rather unwritten obligation of the guest who sat on the 


7 3 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


host’s right to make the first move to go, it is not consid- 


ered ill-mannered for another lady to rise first. How- 
ever, if the guest of honor is a stranger or an elderly 
lady of distinction, it is perhaps more courteous to wait 
and hope for the best; that is, to hope that the lady will 
not absent-mindedly forget that the obligation of being 
the first to rise rests upon her. If cards are being played 
and you do not play, it is even permissible to stay perhaps 
a half hour or less in conversation and then go home. 

Miss Banton, Mrs. Albright’s guest of honor, appre- 
ciates her responsibility. After a half hour’s conversation 
and another half hour’s entertainment in the way of 
playing and singing on the part of Mr. and Mrs. Rivers 
and during a momentary lull in the activities, Miss Ban- 
ton rises; Mrs. Albright does likewise, going forward, 
saying: “I hope you are not thinking of going!” 

Miss Banton answers: “I don’t want to in the least, 
but I fear I may experience the same difficulty in getting 
home as I did in coming! Thank you so much for ask- 
ing me.” 

This furnishes the cue for those of the others who are 
leaving. Mr. Brophy, being alone, offers to escort Miss 
Banton home. 

In a large home the hostess, upon the first indication 
of the departure of the guests, presses a bell for the serv- 
ants to be in the dressing room and hall. When one 
guest leaves they all leave except those at the bridge 


tables, who continue playing to the conclusion of their 


games. Each one says, “Good night” to whomever he 

is talking with and shakes hands, and then goes up to 

the hostess, saying, “Thank you for asking us,” or 

“Thank you so much,” and shakes hands with the hostess. 
64 


on eel ——— 
eS ee ee 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


“Thank you so much; good night,” is the usual expres- 
sion. And the hostess answers, “It was so nice to see 
you again,” or “I am glad you could come.” Most usu- 
ally she merely says, “Good night!” and suggests friendli- 
ness by the tone in which she says it. This is accom- 
plished by accenting slightly (not strongly) the “good.” | 

The Albright’s have, of course, no bell and no servants 
to respond, so Mrs. Albright goes to the ladies’ dressing 
room while Mr. Albright takes care of the men. The 
guests are then shown downstairs and Mr. Albright per- 
forms the functions of the butler, that is, opening the 
doors. The leave-taking is precisely as described above 
for the larger home. 

When young people leave they say, “Good night, it 
has been very pleasant,” or “Good night, and thank you 
so much.” The hostess smiles and says, “So glad you 
could come!” or just “Good night!” 


THE YOUNG MAN AND YOUNG WOMAN 


Mr. and Mrs. Rivers, as stated before, are to stay for 
the week-end. When the other guests have left, the two 
remaining couples seat themselves in the living room and 
have a friendly chat. 

Presently footsteps are heard on the doorstep. Very 
naturally the conversation ceases a moment, while all 
listen. After a minute or so Mr. Albright goes to 
the door. 


ASKING THE ESCORT IN 
It is required that somebody always remain up to open 


the door for a daughter who is out. She must not be 
65 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


permitted to use a latchkey when returning with a young 
man. And the young man, even a fiancé, must leave the 
girlat the door. In the present case Mr. Albright reaches 
the door before the young gentleman has expressed his 
thanks for the enjoyable evening. Mr. Albright asks to 
be excused for the intrusion, upon which his daughter 
presents the young man to her father, who says, “Won't 
you come in a moment, Mr. Young?” This is permis- 
sible of the father; the main objection is to having the 
young man come in upon the invitation of the daughter. 
It seems a forward and unreserved act for a girl to ask 
a young man in. For a father to do so in an instance 
such as above described is of course acceptable, but out 
of the ordinary. But, then, this happening was accidental. 
“Thank you, Mr. Albright,” is Mr. Young’s answer. 
“Just for a moment.” 

They step into the living room and Miss Albright asks, 
“May we come in?” “Certainly, dear,” is the reply from 
Mrs. Albright. The young lady keeps her wrap on; the 
young man carries his hat and stick. His right-hand 
glove is carried in his left hand. 


INTRODUCING THE YOUNG MAN 


After a sweet salutation to mother, Miss Albright 
greets Mr. and Mrs. Rivers with, “How do you do, Mrs. 
Rivers, I am so glad to see you.” And to Mr. Rivers, 
“How do you do?” She then turns to her mother, say- 
ing, “Mother, this is Mr. Young, of whom I spoke to 
you.” Mrs, Albright extends her hand, and they ex- 
change “How do you do’s?” Miss Albright then turns to 
Mr. and Mrs. Rivers and says, ‘Mrs. Rivers,” then “Mr. 
Rivers.” 


66 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Miss Albright takes a seat near Mrs. Rivers and Mr. 
Rivers and Mr. Albright, who had risen, resume their 
places, while Mr. Young takes a chair near Mr. Al- 
bright, placing his hat, stick, and gloves on the floor next 
to his chair. 


THE WEEK-END GUESTS GO TO BED 


Conversation runs smoothly along on the subject of the 
concert from which the young people have just come. In 
a short time Mrs. Rivers rises and says, “I think I shall 
go to bed” (not retire). Hereupon Mr. Rivers also rises. 
Mrs. Rivers turns to Mr. Young and says, ““Good-by, I 
am glad to have met you.” Mr. Young says, “Thank 
you.” Mr. Rivers says, “Good-by, I hope to see you 
again.” Mr. Young says, “Good-by, I hope so too.” 
Mr. and Mrs. Rivers then say good night to all the 
Albrights and go up to their room or rooms, as the case 
may be. 

| THE YOUNG MAN LEAVES 


Mr. Young takes his hat, gloves, and stick from the 
floor, and says, “Good night” to the Albrights, beginning 
with Mrs. Albright, going to Miss Albright next and to 
Mr. Albright last. They all shake hands, and Mrs. Al- 
bright invites Mr. Young to call again. He says, “Thank 
you,” and is gone. 

The hour of Mr. Young’s departure on this first eve- 
ning was about ten-thirty. He had only remained about 
ten or fifteen minutes, which was sufficient, because he 
had only been acting in the capacity of an escort, and had 
been asked to stop in. The duration of a gentleman’s 
visit upon a lady is dependent upon conditions. When 
the acquaintanceship is a new one, a call may last perhaps 


67 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a half hour. In a house where the reception is warm 
and the gentleman is well known, the caller may remain 
an hour and a half. It is never very advisable to stay 
long after ten o’clock, for it may be disconcerting to both 
the young woman and her parents. 

What won him the invitation? The propriety of his 
actions! He did not remove his coat and hang his things 
in the hall prepared to stay. He recognized that it was 
growing late when the week-end guests went to bed. He 
said “Good-night” and went. He did not linger after 
signifying his intention to go, keeping everybody stand- 
ing while he prolonged the going. He did not usurp the 
conversation, nor was he wanting in timely response. His 
conversation was directed to all the people present. He 
accepted introductions gracefully, and knew what to say. 
He did not ask to come again—but he was invited! 


INVITING FHE YOUNG MAN TO CALL AGAIN 


The short acquaintanceship of Miss Albright and Mr. 
Young had proved pleasant to both. This evening’s brief 
visit was Mr. Young’s first to the Albright home. Miss 
Albright might just as well have offered the invitation to 
call again, but her mother, who was particularly impressed 
by the young man’s appearance and bearing, thought to 
make the invitation impressive by acting as she did. 

A girl may invite a young man as often as she cares 
to receive him, but the young man must, of course, never 
ask to call. Only partial attention and other indications 
of annoyance should be sufficient to cause a young man 
to terminate his visits. 

Here are several satisfactory methods of inviting a 
young man to call: | 


68 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


“T hope you will come to see me some Sunday after- 
noon (or “some evening’), Mr. A.” 

“Won't you call on one of our days at home, Mr. A.? 
My mother and I will always be glad to see you.” 


REFUSING THE MAN WHO ASKS TO CALL 


Should a young man deliberately ask for the privilege 
of calling, it will be found difficult to refuse permission, 
especially if there is no honest excuse for doing so. One 
way out of such a predicament is for a young lady to 
refer the unwelcome admirer to her mother, or whoever 
serves as her natural chaperon. No young man with a 
grain of sense for the proper would push the subject 
farther, particularly if he has reasons to believe that the 
young lady habitually decides such questions for herself. 
If the young man is granted permission to call, it is, of 
course, absolutely necessary to honor the appointment. 


WHEN A SECOND MAN ENTERS 


If a young man has been some time in the company of 
a young lady at her home, and friends enter, it is quite 
proper for the gentleman to leave shortly, particularly if 
_the newcomer is a man. The young hostess meanwhile, 
must show no partiality to either of the men, and when 
the first gentleman rises to leave, she must also rise and 
intimate a complimentary regret at his departure by say- 
ing, “Must you really go?’’—or “I am so sorry you must 
go.” She must offer her hand and a friendly good-by. 
A young lady does not in any circumstances accompany 
a retreating caller, be he an old acquaintance or a new 
friend, to the house door or to the drawing-room door. 

If the two men are not acquainted, and introductions 

69 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


are necessary, and if the men are of approximately one 
age, the new arrival must be introduced to the other man. 
If one man is considerably older than the other, the 
younger is introduced to the older: “Mr. Younger, Mr. 
Older.” 


SERVING REFRESHMENTS TO CALLERS 


It is not considered proper to offer the chance evening, 
morning, or afternoon caller refreshments. The very 
logical reason given for this rule is that callers generally 
come at such hours when there is no desire for dainties 
or other tidbits. It is permissible, however, for a young 
lady to serve an iced drink with little cakes on a hot 
summer’s day, or tiny cups of very hot coffee or choco- 
late with biscuits, or dainty little sandwiches on a win- 
try night. These may be served from a little table, or 
passed on a tray. If the tray is passed by a servant, it 
is very proper for the young lady to help herself first 
and ask the gentlemen to follow suit. 


GIFTS TO THE YOUNG WOMAN 


Books, flowers, and other small articles of decoration 
may be properly accepted as gifts. Valuable jewelry or 
other more expensive articles may only be accepted under 
conditions of close relationship, nor should such a gift be 
made unless the giver is sure of its acceptance. Needless 
to say, it is poor form for a man to send expensive pres- 
ents to a woman who may be compelled to return them. 


NOTE OF THANKS FOR A GIFT 


A brief note of thanks may be sent upon the receipt of 
a gift. It may be written as follows: 


79 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DEAR Mr. A.: 

Thank you very much for the wonderful bou- 
quet. It looked too beautiful and was a source 
of much pleasure. 

Very sincerely, 
Mary Brown. 


An elaboration of the gift question may be found un- 
der the section on Gifts 


Hato BE chad i Dina bs 


Notwithstanding definite and clear-cut assertions that 
a lady is never under the “protection” of a man, there 
is nevertheless a feeling of security and ease of mind in 
the knowledge that your daughter, sister, or you are in 
the company of one physically capable of protection if 
the occasion for protection were to arise. In this sense © 
a lady may feel that a young man accompanying her is 
an escort. But it is understood that a lady is never 
“taken” anywhere by a man; she must always receive a 
personal invitation. Even a fiancé does not “take” his 
fiancée where she herself has not received a personal in- 
vitation. If a gentleman is asked to bring his fiancée, he 
may say in effect, “She would be very glad to come, I am 
sure, and I’d love to have you ask her.” 


7i 


CHAPTER IV 


GOOD MANNERS IN THE STREET ) 
| AND IN PUBLIC 


ON: THE STREET 


Gentlemen to the curb! Whether with one, two, or 
more ladies, the gentleman always takes the curb side of — 
the street. He never walks between. 

Proper street deportment calls for dignity and reserve 
equally as much as the banquet hall. A young man’s 
manner should in no way draw attention to the lady he 
is accompanying, or to himself. Loud talking, pointing, 
gesticulating, or the loud mention of names are all im- 
proper. Devotion is a wonderful attribute, but should be 
confined to its proper place; golf should be confined to 
the links, walking sticks are to be carried, not used as 
mashies ; smoking to the smoking room, and—chewing— 
should be left to the cows. 

People who walk along in calm and dignified manner 
may always pass as well bred. Those who draw atten- 
tion to themselves by conspicuous manners, conspicuous 
clothes, boisterous conversation, undue hilarity, and by 
other means do so at the risk of having other people form 
an opinion about them, and the opinion may not be favor- 
able. 

GIVE THE OTHER PERSON A CHANCE 


In a great city, like New York, for example, whose 
important streets, railways, and other public thorough- 


72 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


fares are extremely crowded, the practice of good man- 
ners is an act of general welfare. Endeavor at all times 
to keep to the right and you will not be unduly bumping 
into other people. Do not cross abruptly in front of an- 
other person, nor stop dead in your tracks, causing the 
man behind to bump into you. Always give ladies, and 
particularly elderly ladies, the right of way. Courtesy 
toward public servants such as train men and trolley men 
is essential to the behavior of a gentleman. Dignity does 
not suffer by the practice of humility, In short, the man- 
ners practiced at home, brought into the street and public 
life, befittingly stamp the character of the individual. 

A thought now and then for other people, and con- 
sideration for their time and conventions, may be shown 
in many little ways in everyday life. As you near the 
cashier’s box at a railway station, get your money ready. 
Don’t stand at the window and fidget and fuss to find the 
elusive coin, meanwhile delaying a line of people behind 
you. When you are the first one to step off an elevated 
train, and are the first one to reach the stairway, just a 
bit more than a snail-like pace will permit the people 
behind, who may be in a hurry, to make better progress. 
Don’t stop on the steps to load and light your pipe. When 
people stop on the stairway it causes a double incon- 
venience, because those coming down behind must go over 
to the left, where other people may be coming up. Thus 
in many similar instances the exercise of good manners 
may work toward the general welfare. 


OFFERING THE ARM 


A gentleman must never take a lady’s arm or take hold 
of her by or above the elbow and push her hither or 


73 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


thither. An old lady or an invalid may be offered the arm 
in support. To-day it is not customary for a lady to lean 
on a gentleman’s arm in daytime unless it be to cross a 
very crowded thoroughfare or as an aid in crossing a 
rough or muddy road or street. At night, however, a 
gentleman may offer a lady his arm when walking a dis- 
tance, or even if only going down the steps of a house 
or from one building to another. This is done solely 
to assist the lady, who may be wearing high heels. In 
such case he may say, “Perhaps you had better take my 
arm; you might stumble”; or “It might be easier if you. 
took my arm along here; walking is not very good.” 
There is no other occasion on which a gentleman offers 
his arm to a lady in public, omitting, of course, formal 
dinners, suppers, or when the man is an usher at a wed- 
ding. Etiquette never permits a gentleman to take a 
lady’s arm. 

In helping a lady into or out of a carriage, automobile, 
or other means of conveyance, it is correct for a gentle- 
man to put his hand under her elbow. A gentleman may 
carry a lady’s umbrella in a rainstorm when it may re- 
quire all her efforts to keep her clothes dry and manage 
her hat at the same time. If it will enable her to walk 
easier, she may also take the gentleman’s arm. A parasol 
is strictly a lady’s article, and is never held by a man 
unless while both her hands are momentarily occupied. 


LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND BUNDLES 


Authorities on etiquette maintain that ladies never carry 
bundles, and that hence the old rule that a gentleman 
must always carry a lady’s bundles has no foundation. 
The opinion may be Americanly democratic, but it is true 


74 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


that popular opinion in America would never brand the 
woman who carries a bundle as “no lady.” No doubt the 
word “bundle” impresses different people with varying 
concepts, and the argument may not be properly pre- 
mised. But, undoubtedly, the bundle of moderate size 
and weight, neatly wrapped, in the hand of a woman, 
would, in the broad American sense, brings no censure 
to the name of the woman, Perhaps the bundle that a 
woman is carrying contains something that must abso- 
lutely be brought home immediately, and time does not 
permit sending for a messenger, or there is no porter 
available and no taxi in sight, and the woman may be 
carrying the bundle a short distance to where she can 
get some means of conveyance! Should such “offense” 
brand her as “no lady’? Certainly not—in America! 
Would the man who met a woman—always previously 
considered by him a lady—carrying a bundle, and who 
did not relieve her of her burden, be called a gentleman? 
Certainly not—in America! An exceptionally fine gen- 
tleman one night met a poor, middle-aged woman drag- 
ging a shattered suitcase and a bundle half wrapped in 
crinkled paper from which the contents were half hang- 
ing out. He not only carried the suitcase and bundle up 
the subway steps, but he carried them to the poor, worn- 
out woman’s home as well! Was hea gentleman? Abso- 
lutely—in America! 


WHO SHOULD PAY? 


If a man meets a woman, and they are going the same 
way, and she stops to buy this or that at her own inclina- 
tion, there is no reason why the man should pay. If they 
board some means of local conveyance, the expense of 


75 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


which is trifling, the man pays for two. When a man 
and woman meet, even by arrangement, to go to a place 
some distance by train, the woman should pay her own 
expenses. She must not permit her companion to pay 
for her parlor-car seat or to tip porters for her. She 
may, if they are very well acquainted, accept his invita- 
tion to luncheon and permit him to pay, but it would be 
more proper, when the hour draws near, to suggest that 
they have luncheon, and then, of course, pay for her own. 
Invitations made by a man to outings, games, theatre, 
etc., naturally mean that the man buys the tickets and 
refreshments. | 

} THE RESTAURANT CHECK 


When you are invited to a restaurant by a friend, the 
invitation is understood to include payment of every- 
thing by the one doing the inviting. There should be no 
quibbling or fussing as to the payment of the check or 
the waiter’s tip, coat boys, etc. 


WHEN TO OFFER A LADY YOUR SEAT IN A TROLLEY CAR 


A gentleman must never take a seat if there are ladies 
standing. If he is sitting and young ladies enter the car, 
he may keep his seat with the certainty of knowing that 
he is correct in doing so. An old woman or a woman 
carrying a baby should be offered a seat. The gentleman 
merely lifts his hat slightly and says, “Please take my 
seat.” The hat is lifted again when the lady thanks him. 
A gentleman or a lady may offer a seat to a very old 
person of either sex. 

OTHER TROLLEY ETIQUETTE 


If the car throws a gentleman into a lady’s lap, he must 
immediately get up (comfortable as the place may be) 


76 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and say, “Excuse me,” or “I beg your pardon.” “Pardon 
me” should not be said. 

The quickest and easiest way to pass through a 
crowded car is to let people know that you wish to get 
by. Say in a tone loud enough for people close by to 
hear, “May I pass, please?’ And when clearance is made, 
it is proper to say, “Thank you.” 

A gentleman lifts his hat when another gentleman 
offers his woman companion a seat or picks up some- 
thing she has dropped, or is courteous in some other way. 


A LADY ALWAYS ON THE RIGHT 


The laws of etiquette decree that a lady must always sit 
at the right of a gentleman in a carriage, trolley, or 
automobile. This means that if a man and woman are 
being driven by a chauffeur in the man’s car, the lady 
sits at the right. If a gentleman and a lady are being 
driven in the lady’s car, the lady must sit on the right. 
If two ladies are being driven, the owner of the car may 
take the place at the right, or she may offer it to the other 
lady if that lady’s rank is above her own. 


SMOKING 


A gentleman must not smoke when walking on the 
street with a lady, and he must remove cigar or cigarette 
from his mouth when lifting his hat, when bowing, or 
when a lady enters his office or an elevator, or when 
conversing with a lady. Gentlemen are law-abiding citi- 
zens. They do not smoke where smoking is forbidden. 
But, of course, where smoking is permitted by law or 
by special order, it is nevertheless forbidden by etiquette 
when ladies are present. 

G, Man.—D a 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


AT PUBLIC GATHERINGS 


GOOD MANNERS AT THE THEATRE 


The first courtesy that everybody owes everybody else 
in a theatre, including the actors, is to come early. The 
“late march” is a very disturbing part of the program. 
‘It causes crowding through the narrow rows of seats, 
stepping on people’s brightly polished shoes (and pet 
corns), buffeting the heads of the people in the row in 
front, and momentarily cutting off the view of all the 
people behind and disturbing a great number of people 
in the surrounding rows. 

To the kind people who rise to permit you to pass, say 
“Thank you very much,” or, if you don’t feel it so very 
much, say just “Thank you,” and if you are very sorry, 
say “I am very sorry.”’ You may also say, “I beg your 
pardon,” but do not say “Pardon me!” or “Beg pardon.” 

It is just as important to be timely returning after 
the intermission as it is to be early at the beginning of 
_the performance. Most men can do without smoking 
long enough to make it necessary to go out after one act 
only; those who make a particular point to wriggle 
their way out after every act, and then come strolling 
back late at the beginning of the new act, are to the 
theatregoers what the flea is to the dog. 


Laughing and Talking at the Theatre 


If you go to the theatre to be entertained, bear in mind 
that perhaps others go for the same purpose, and that 
78 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


they come to be entertained—not by you. Save your con- 
versation for the intermission period, when it is very 
acceptable and usually in demand. If you must talk to 
your neighbor, do it in such a tone as to disturb no one 
else. Laugh when the actors present something funny ; 
don’t go to the theatre to spread the latest in jokes. 


Going Down the Aisle 


When the usher has been given the tickets at the head 
of the aisle, the lady follows the usher and the gentle- 
man brings up the rear.. When there is no usher at 
the head of the aisle, the gentleman may lead the way, 
he has the tickets and can thus more readily find out the 
seats. When the correct row is reached, the gentleman 
steps aside, permitting the lady to pass to her seat first. 
A lady must never take the aisle seat when accompanied 
by a gentleman. 

A group of people starting down the aisle should be 
lead by the person who has the tickets. Each one should 
know his seat number, and the one having the seat far- 
thest in should go in first, and the next one next, and so 
on. This facilitates the matter of seating, and is par- 
ticularly agreeable when the group comes late. 


Dinner and the Piay 


Most people are always ready and delighted to dine 
and go to the play. The theatre, as a matter of fact, is 
a great deal more popular than the opera. The average 
married couple would most likely dine at home whether 
going alone or with invited guests, but it is very custom- 
ary in New York to-day to dine at fashionable restaurants. 

A private theatre party usually consists of six or eight 


79 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


persons. The invitations are most generally telephoned 
in the usual way. If the dinner is to be at a restaurant, 
the host meets the guests in the foyer of the restaurant. 

People who have no cars of their own take their guests 
to and from the theatre in taxis if they can afford to do 
so. If the more moderate public means of conveyance 
are used, the host or hostess pays the fares. 


Tickets 


Buy the tickets long enough in advance to be sure of 
getting good seats. It is not very pleasing to be invited 
to an entertainment of any nature and then have to stand 
in line—and then get a poor seat. Out of respect and 
courtesy to the people invited, the tickets should be bought 
well in advance; do the best possible by your friends. 
You may ask your intimate friends what play they would 
most like to see. 


THE OPERA 


With the exception of those who sit in the boxes and 
the orchestra at the opera, the same laws of good man- 
ners govern the opera as those governing actions at the 
theatre. 


GOOD MANNERS IN A BOX AT THE OPERA 


The occupants of boxes usually dine with their hostess 
before the opera and arrive together. One of the gentle- 
men in the group draws back the curtain for the ladies 
to enter. The ladies always enter first, the gentlemen 
follow, the last one drawing the curtains together. This 
duty must not be neglected, for the light shining in from 
the ante-chamber when the curtains are left open flares 

So 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


in the eyes of the occupants of the opposite box. The 
hostess always takes the seat furthest from the stage; 
the seat nearest the stage, in the foremost corner of the 
box, is given the oldest or the most distinguished lady in 
the party. The lady who is to have this choice place 
takes her seat first, the hostess takes her’s next, and then 
the third lady, if there is one, takes her place between 
the other two and remains standing until one of the gen- 
tlemen places her chair. Chairs in the box are always 
arranged in three rows. A gentleman should never sit 
in the front row of a box, even though alone. 


Visits to Other Boxes 


The entr’actes are the formal visiting hours at the 
opera. The gentleman guests of one box visit friends 
of other boxes. A gentleman must never enter a box in 
which he knows only the gentlemen. If he wishes to pre- © 
sent another gentleman to a lady in another box, he must 
first ask permission. In doing this he would not speak 
of his friend as Mr. So-and-So, but John So-and-So. But 
a gentleman is free to enter another box to speak with a 
lady with whom he is intimately acquainted, but not if 
the acquaintance is but slight. When a visiting gentleman 
enters a box, the man sitting behind the lady visited 
should surrender his chair. 

The ladies should never be left entirely alone. It may 
happen that all the gentlemen of a certain box have 
offered their chairs to visitors. They are then free to 
‘leave, but they must immediately return when all the 
visitors are about to leave, even though the ladies whom 
they have been visiting are momentarily alone. The 
lowering of the lights is the signal for all visitors to 

SI 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


return to their own boxes. Conversation during the over- 
ture or any part of the performance is contrary to good 
taste, and is as inappropriate at the opera as at the thea- 
tre. Movement to or from boxes during any part of the 
performance must be made as quietly as possible and 
without conversation. 


After the Opera 


At the close of the performance the entire party goes 
to the carriage lobby, where the ladies are driven off, at 
least one gentleman remaining until all the ladies in the 
party have been driven away. A lady must never be left 
standing alone on the sidewalk. The hostess is obligated 
to take home all unattended ladies who have no private 
conveyances of their own. A married lady or a widow 
may order her own car. In such case an odd gentleman, 
and there should always be a gentleman for every lady 
in the party, waits until the car appears. If this lady 
is considerate, she may drive the odd man to his home. 
It is equally proper if she merely thanks him for waiting 
and drives off alone. 


GOOD MANNERS AND BUSINESS 


The good manners acquired in early life in the home, 
and practiced throughout the growth of the child into 
manhood or womanhood, are the basis for the good man- 
ners requisite to success in business. Training in con- 
trol plays a very important part in the trying days of 
business life. The person who has complete control of 
the senses is fitted to cope with intricate circumstances 
and momentous problems in such a way as to command 

82 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


complete functioning of the best senses productive of 
correct decisions. 

Furthermore, the person of good manners is capable 
of meeting “big” men and women on their own level. 
There is no feeling of embarrassment when you know 
just what to say, when to say it, or whether or not to say 
it. These attributes go far toward the accomplishment of 
success in the world of affairs. 


COURTESY IN BUSINESS 


The courteous executive or the courteous laborer pro- 
duces an effect upon associates that stamps him as a man. 
While daily actions may be little thought of, it must be 
remembered that the giant tower is made up of a multi- 
tude of small stones intermingled with an occasional 
large one. In like manner it is safe to say that the career 
of the business man or politician who towers above his 
colleagues has been made up of many little insignificant 
acts and some big accomplishments. The little acts serve 
as a background and accentuate the bigger ones. 

The official who “lends his ear’ to employees and vis- 
itors and is always polite, who rises when a lady or an 
older executive enters his office, who removes his hat 
when entering the office of another executive, who says, 
“Please” and “Thank you,” is readily acknowledged as a 
fitting representative. Petty complaints and the shirking 
of responsibility is not productive of respect. 


ETIQUETTE GENERALITIES FOR THE BUSINESS WORLD 


A gentleman must not smoke when walking on the 
street with a lady, and he must remove cigar, cigarette, 
or pipe from his mouth when lifting his hat, or bowing 

83 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


when a lady enters his office or an elevator where he is 
or when conversing with a lady. 

He must be considerate of other people and must bear 
in mind that the purpose of the eraser on the end of the 
pencil is for the correction of errors. It is very humiliat- 
ing to “scold” an inferior for an error and later have the 
same inferior point out one on your part. “To err is 
human—to forgive, divine.” The big man is concerned 
not primarily with how the error occurred, but with the 
immediate means of rectifying the conditions created by 
the occurrence. 

Never “snap oft” people who make demands on your 
time. If you are unable to give any time at the moment, 
you can gracefully make known that fact by simply say- 
ing, “At present the pressure of some very important 
things will not permit me to go into your proposition in 
detail. Perhaps we can arrange for a discussion some 
other time.” 

While it is a splendid thing to be on good terms with 
the people with whom you come into daily contact, this 
must never be done at the sacrifice of dignity and respect. 
It is the sign of pleasant relationships when the men in 
one office call each other by their first names, but this 
privilege should not be given to subordinates. 

Never grant an interview if you have no intention of 
giving your attention. To sit through an interview with © 
a bored or absent-minded expression is the height of in- 
sincerity. If you have no intention of considering a prop- 
osition, there is no harm in saying so, and there can be 
no ill feeling—if the statement is made courteously. 

The telephone companies of the greater cities have in 
recent years campaigned extensively for telephone cour- 


84 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 







fe tesy. “The voice with the smile wins,” is their slogan. 
_ This courtesy is not intended merely for business man to 
business man, but also for business man to telephone 
mY operator and for operator to business man. The endeavor 
a has brought a wonderful response and better telephone 


I 
’ ft 


. is service, which proves that care and consideration for 


CHAPTER V 


CLUBS AND CLUB ETIQUETTE 
ATTAINING MEMBERSHIP 


Membership to countless small clubs is attained by 
merely having one or two members vouch for the char- 
acter and integrity of the applicant. The larger and 
more exclusive clubs require formal application, exami- 
nation, and approval of the membership or house com- 
mittee or the board of governors; whichever body may 
exist. The usual way of joining such a club is by hav- 
ing a very good friend who is a member present the 
application and another to second it. The applicant’s 
full name is entered in a book kept for the purpose, to- 
gether with the names of the proposer and the seconder. 
Later, when the name is posted on the club’s bulletin 
board, the proposer and seconder each write a letter of 
endorsement to the body empowered to pass on applica- 
tions. Such letters may be written so: 


Board of Governors, 
The Plusquam Club. 
DEAR SIRS: 

It is with much pleasure that I propose Mr. 
Warner B. Good for membership in the Plus- 
quam Club. Mr. Good is a lifelong friend of 
mine, and I can vouch for it that he is in every 
way qualified for membership. 

86 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


In 1916, his senior year, Mr. Good issued the 
prize-winning oration at Colton, where he was 
also elected Poet Laureate. He is now in the 


phonograph manufacturing firm, Good, Speaker 


& Co. Yours very truly, 


ARNO THAMES. 


MEETING THE GOVERNORS 


The proposer should then tell the applicant to ask 
a number of friends who are club members, none of 
whom may be governors, to write letters of endorsement. 
The next step is to have the applicant personally meet 
several of the governors, since a candidate’s name cannot 
come up for election unless he is known to some of the 
governors. Responsibility for these meetings rests with 
either the proposer or the seconder. One or the other 
may arrange to take the applicant to the offices of some 
of the governors, or they may invite two or three of these 
gentlemen, together with the candidate, to lunch. 

This procedure is rather an ordeal, but it is a very nec- 
essary evil under existing conditions, and unless some 
other method is adopted it will have to be tolerated. To 
try to short-cut, may prove disastrous, for the candi- 
date who has not sufficient endorsement may suffer by 
a minimum of objection: that is, while he may have two 
letters in his favor, strong objection by one or two mem- 
bers to whom he may not be desirous would be enough 
to cause his rejection. The personal endorsement of 
two or three of the governors is ordinarily sufficient to 
Overcome minor objections and assure the acceptance 
of an applicant. 

87 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ASK ONLY INTIMATE FRIENDS TO PROPOSE YOU 


Rejections are always written in such a way that no 
personal offense can be taken. They are usually ad- 
dressed to the candidate’s proposer. 


Example: 


Mr. Arno THAMES, 
15 Boulevard, 
New York City. 
DEAR SIR: 

The Board of Governors regrets to announce 
that the application of Mr. Warner B. Good to 
membership in the Plusquam Club cannot be 
accepted without further endorsement. 

Yours truly, 
I. Wricut, Secretary, 
Board of Governors. 


THE BLACK BALL 


“Black Ball’ is an ill-sounding term. It originated 
from the custom of dropping into the ballot box a white 
ball for and a black ball against a candidate for mem- 
bership. The application of this term to a person may 
cause him considerable injury in life, and for this reason 
membership boards are wary against its use. If an 
applicant seems predestined to the fate of the “black 
ball,’ the governors generally advise the proposer to 
withdraw his name. If claims against the candidate can 
be disproved or satisfactorily discounted, his name may 
again be submitted. 


88 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE NEW MEMBER 





If one has gone through all the trouble of intro- 
ducing a new member, one should go a step farther and 
accompany him on his first visit to the club, and “show 
him the ropes.”’ Visitors resident in the city in which the 
club is located are not given the privilege of the exclusive 
club, hence none but members know the way about. The 
rs new member should be informed of all things that will 


x tend to put him at ease and save even the slightest dis- 


comforts. If certain people have for years been accus- 
tomed to occupy certain places and these places are gen- 
erally more or less reserved for these people, that is a 
good thing for the new member to know. Peculiarities 


i of other members, particular whims and fancies, likes, 
t dislikes, hobbies of this, that, or the other person, good 
and bad waiters, etc., etc.; these are the little compass 
points that will enable the newly chartered club-member 


ship to sail an easy course. 


Armed with the Club Book, containing a list of the 
‘members, the constitution and by-laws, and the house 
: rules, which should be carefully studied and practiced, the 


new member may enjoy his membership fully. 


GOOD MANNERS AT THE CLUB 


Practice your habitual good manners at the club and 
you will be a well-liked member. Pleasure and con- 
venience are the strongest attractions of any club—that 
means pleasure and convenience for everybody. Too 
many people jest and joke incessantly. They may be 


89 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


having a deal of pleasure, but is the other person?’ The 
same question will occur to the gentleman who is enjoy- 
ing ample convenience; namely, “has the other person 
enough convenience?” Briefly stated, the matter resolves 
itself again into the application of the underlying law of 
good manners—consideration for others. 

There are also certain definite rules to be observed. 
Do not use the library for conversation; it is reserved for 
reading and writing. Do not intrude on the conversation 
of others; two people sitting by themselves undoubtedly 
prefer to be alone, and unless you are an intimate friend 
of both (not a mere acquaintance of either—or both) you 
must leave them to themselves. Even if you are intimate 
with both, the trend of the conversation must tell you 
whether or not you may take part; if you may not, you 
must casually stroll to other parts, pretending to have 
seen somebody with whom you would have a word. 


INTRODUCING A VISITOR TO A CLUB 


In most formal clubs visitors from out of town are 
permitted. A member may personally take the stranger 
to the club, write his name in the visitors’ book, and intro- 
duce him to those present and perhaps ask a particularly 
well-known friend to help entertain the stranger, When 
it is not possible for the host to take the stranger to 
the club he may write a card of introduction to the 
secretary as follows: | 


Secretary, 

The Central Club. 
Dear Sir: 

Please send a Privilege Card to Mr. U.N. 
Noan to the Lolland House, for use over 


go 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a period of one week, beginning February 
tenth. 
Very truly, 
ARNO THAMES. 


The privilege card: 


The Plusquam Club 
Extends its privileges to 


from to 
Through the courtesy of 


ETIQUETTE FOR CLUB VISITORS 


The privileges are given the stranger by a club to be 
taken advantage of by him only. He must not bring 
other non-members into the club, for pleasure or dinner, 
or anything else. He cannot play the part of a dinner 
host to members of the club in the club’s dining room, for 
that would be like giving a friend a dinner in his own 
home! It is permissible to ask a very close friend who is 
a member of the club to lunch, but those with whom he 
has become acquainted during his stay at the club must 
be taken to a dining room outside the club, if the 
stranger would be host. 

Immediate and unquestioned settlement of the account 
is required upon leaving, for accounts are otherwise sent 
to the member who introduced the visitor. All other 
points of etiquette for the stranger are the same as those 
governing the regular member, and very strict observance 
of them is indeed necessary. 

Ol 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS | 
THE INFORMAL CLUB 


All information given above is of a nature adapta- 
ble more or less to the large formal club, but most of the 
rules may easily be applied to the smaller and informal 
clubs. Certainly the laws of good manners, in so far as 
consideration for others is concerned, should not vary 
with the size of the club. But, of course, in some respects 
the informal club varies from the formal. It is common 
practice in the informal club for a member to speak to 
every other member—but not, of course, if speaking 
means intrusion! Lunches at informal clubs are often 
served on long group tables, at which anyone may sit 
and join in the conversation. 

But, generally speaking, there is nothing about the 
large formal club that may not be practiced in a miniature 
sort of way in the smallest club whose membership is 
constituted of well-mannered gentlemen. (The inference 
is not to be made that this refers to the service, etc., of the 
large club.) 


Q2 


CHAPTER VI 


GOOD MANNERS AT PUBLIC BALLS 
AND DANCES 


THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BALL AND 
A DANCE 


The public ball is usually open to all; while the infor- 
mal dance is limited in numbers. It is also generally con- 
fined to younger people, whereas the ball very often is 
attended by a majority of older people. The decorations 
and entire arrangements for a ball are usually, though 
not necessarily, more elaborate than for a dance. Ata 
dance those present are usually there by invitation and 
everybody knows everybody else, while at a public ball 
the people are mostly strangers to one another. 

A further understanding of the difference between a 
ball and a dance may be gained by reading the section 
on Subscription Dances following in this chapter. For- 
mal balls in assembly rooms or private houses are dis- 
cussed in Part IV. 


Pr uAUDY GOES, TOA BALL OR DANCE 


It is very improper for a young lady to go to a ball or 
dance alone with a young man. A chaperon of some 
description, be it mother, father, brother, aunt, or uncle 
should always accompany the young couple. Neither 


93. 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


may a young girl go entirely alone, but she may go with- 
out a gentleman in the company of a chaperon. /Very 
often young people go to dances in groups. In this 
case it is perhaps possible to go without a ge 
chaperon, although where there is one, a brother should 
make one of the group with which the young lady is 
going. Two young ladies going together is no more per- 
missible than one going alone. 


OBLIGATIONS OF THE YOUNG MAN 


Everything in the way of expense attached to the at- 
tendance of a ball or dance must be borne by the gentle- 
man. Entrance fee, coat-room fee, transportation to and 
from the dance, supper and refreshments for both the 
lady and her chaperon must be paid by the young man 
who accompanies the lady as partner. 


GETTING ACQUAINTED 


Young people do not usually attend a ball where they 
are entirely strange. If the gentleman is known to some 
of the members of the committee on reception, he may, 
through such person make the acquaintance of others. 

On entering the ballroom one should bow to the com- 
mittees, patronesses, and guest of honor, if there is one. 
Handshaking is in order if one is well acquainted with 
these dignitaries or if an acquaintance with them is ac- 
complished by means of others. 


THE YOUNG LADY DANCES 


The young man who accompanies a lady to a dance- 
demands no contract for every dance, and the fact that 
94 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


he is accompanying a lady gives him no such preroga- 
tive. One good reason for making the acquaintance of 
others at a dance is the sole purpose of furnishing an 
occasional change of partner for both the gentleman and 
the lady. A lady never dances or talks with men to whom 
she has not been introduced by some accredited person. 


ASKING FOR AND ACCEPTING A DANCE 


“Would you care to dance?” is the customary way of 
asking for a dance. One may also say, “May I have 
some of this?” Asking for a dance is, of course, only 
permissible when the gentleman has been introduced to 
the lady. The lady’s reply may be, “I should like to very 
much,” or “With great pleasure.” 


WHEN TO STOP DANCING 


A dance may be terminated at any point at the inclina- 
tion of the lady. She may say, “I am very tired—let us 
rest a while.” The man, on the other hand, is supposed 
to dance on until the lady, or the music, stops. The 
lady likewise suggests the hour of departure. 


SITTING OUT DANCES 


If a lady does not feel inclined to dance and is asked 
for a dance, she may say, “Not just now, thank you—I 
am a wee bit tired,” or “Thank you, but I would prefer 
to rest through this number.” If she likes, she may add, 
“Come and sit with us!” She may not refuse to dance 
with one man and then directly accept the invitation of 
another, unless there is good and justifiable reason— 


95 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS / 


actual offensiveness about the man—for such action. 
Ordinarily a lady must be either “dancing” or “not 
dancing.” 

An older lady may dance a few turns with her son or 
husband even though she has just refused another man, 
and such action may not be taken as an offense or lack 
of good manners. 


WHEN NOT TO ASK FOR A DANCE 


When a girl is sitting alone with a man in the ballroom 
or elsewhere, a second one should not intrude on the con- 
versation or ask the girl to dance. Besides being im- 
proper, this would leave the man sitting entirely alone. 
If the girl is part of a group, she may safely be asked. 


INVITATIONS TO SUPPER 


The gentleman who accompanies a lady to a dance also 
takes her to supper. If a gentleman wishes to take a lady 
who has no masculine companion, he should say, “May 
I take you to supper?’ or “Will you have supper with 
me?” and the invitation, of course, includes the chaperon. 
To tactlessly say, “Have you no partner?” would be to 
boorishly embarrass a lady and cause her to admit an 
awkward though unaccountable position. 


MOULUTIEN Cr TIN 


A custom at formal dances permits young men, called 
“stags,” to stand in the doorway of the ballroom and to 
_ dart forward at any point in the dance. The stag need 
96 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


only lay a hand on the shoulder of the partner of a girl 
with whom he wishes to dance, and dance off with the 
girl. The partner must gracefully relinquish the girl. A 
third person may follow the same procedure, and “cut 
in” on the girl’s second partner, or the original partner 
may redeem his lost prestige by ‘cutting in” again after 
the lady has danced once around the ballroom. 

Though accepted as correct in best society in New 
York, Buffalo, Boston, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Chi- 
cago, San Francisco, and very likely throughout America, 
it is nevertheless not a practice of the average ballroom. 
While this method undoubtedly gives all the young men 
a chance to dance, it also fosters a hardship on the ladies, 
for a girl may just be progressing very well with a part- 
ner when she is called upon to adapt herself to the style 
of another—and then perhaps another—and then perhaps 
still another. Styles in dancing vary so perceptibly to-day 
that it is very difficult to find two couples on one floor 
dancing exactly alike, and even if the dancing were uni- 
form, individuals have individual peculiarities. 

It is advisable, at all events, to do “in Rome as the 
Romans do.” If “cutting in” is not practiced at the 
dance you are attending, it might prove well not to in- 
stitute it. 


SUBSCRIPTION DANCES 


A group of ladies in a community meets and decides to 
give one or more balls a season. All the members of this 
group suggest additional names until a list of sufficient 
size has been agreed upon. Invitations to another meeting 
are sent the people whose names are on the list; then the 
size of the final list and the names to be included is com- 


97 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


piled. The ladies so listed are the patronesses or mana- 
gers. They elect a chairman, a vice chairman, a secre- 
tary, and a treasurer, and a half dozen or more others to 
act aS a managing committee, or committee on arrange- 
ments. The remainder of the people listed are merely 
“members,” who pay dues and receive a certain number 
of tickets for each ball. Tickets are sent by the com- 
mittee to the people whose names are submitted by the 
members. Oftentimes the same names are submitted by 
more than one patroness, and for this reason each mem- 
ber usually submits one or two names in addition to the 
allotted number, so that the committee may take the top 
names of each list and add them to those already con- 
tained in the “invitation book.” Were each member to 
personally attend to her invitations there would most 
likely be innumerable duplications. The committee is 
also empowered to withhold invitations from any persons 
not approved at the meeting held for this purpose, and in 
this way the exclusiveness of the ball is also insured. 
Very rarely are invitations withheld, however, for it 
would necessitate a very serious objection to cause such 
action. 

Those wishing to invite more guests than is allotted 
each patroness may borrow tickets from other members 
who do not contemplate using their full quota. 


SUBSCRIPTION DANCES BY CLUBS 


Clubs and other organizations often arrange subscrip- 
tion dances in much the same way as described above, but 
most generally the committee asks members to subscribe 
to a certain number of tickets, instead of dividing the 


98 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


expenses between the members, which, after all, amounts 
to approximately the same thing, for the price of tickets 
is usually sufficiently high to permit the sale of tickets to 
cover at least the major part of the expenses. 


PATRONESSES RECEIVE 


About four to six patronesses are usually appointed to 
receive the guests. They collectively assume the duties 
of the hostess, standing in line to bow to the arrivals. 
Lady guests curtsy slightly, gentlemen bow ceremoni- 
ously—not to each patroness individually, but to the 
“line” collectively. The patronesses respond accordingly 
in unison. The “receiving line” is usually carefully se- 
lected for popularity and general adaptability. 

Men’s clubs often select patronesses to receive, rather 
than have members of the committee perform the func- 
tion. Mixed clubs sometimes have a mixed “receiving 
line,” but in all cases the actions are of the same gen- 
eral nature as those described. Arrangements may be 
varied to meet various requirements and conditions, but 
good manners are the same under all conditions, even 
though the details of their application differ. 


99 


CHAPTER VII 


GOOD MANNERS IN GAMES AND 
SPORTS 


“LHE GAME’'S THE THINGS 


Bridge whist, poker, pinochle, golf, tennis, or anything 
else should be played primarily for the pleasure or sport 
derived therefrom. It is quite as pleasant to lose a 
good match as it is to win—and there is no fun in win- 
ning from an ungraceful loser! Your best is the utmost 
that you can hope to put into anything, and if that is not 
sufficient to “bring home the bacon,” then there is at least 
the consolation to be taken from the fact that the winner 
was compelled to extend himself, and that while his is 
the glory of victory, yours is the glory in defeat. 


POOR PRACTICES IN ANY GAME 


The game for stakes is the absolute test of “quality in 
men,” which also means women. When there is nothing 
to lose but a mere game, most people can pass off a lost 
game with at least a shrug of the shoulders. But either 
winning or losing with stakes involved may well be 
termed the “acid test” of the true gentleman or lady. The 
poor loser, who sneers at others’ luck, and rants at his 
own poor luck, is usually the grasping and hilarious 
winner. The gentleman wins as he loses—gracefully. 

TOOK: 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


PLAYING WITH A PARTNER 


When playing with a partner at cards, golf, or tennis, 
etc., one must establish a feeling of confidence in the 
partner for oneself and display a similar confidence in 
the partner. This can only be accomplished by permitting 
the partner to “play his game” and by never failing to 
uphold one’s share. Pointing out the errors of a partner, 
unless called upon to do so, is but to produce in the other 
person a feeling of individual responsibility for the out- 
come, if things go wrong, and at the same time seems 
like an absorption of all the credit for success. 

Encroaching on his territory on the tennis court is 
analogous to constantly overbidding the partner in a card 
game; both seem expressions of lack of confidence and 
usurpation. Both evils are productive of similar results. 
The tennis player who endeavors to make the majority of 
plays, undermines his partner’s confidence and places him 
in a position of doubt as to when to make a play and when 
to leave it. The same is true when one partner takes the 
majority of bids; the other player has not the confidence 
to know when to take or leave the bid. This is not to 
‘say that one should pass the opportunity to make a 
“killing,” for that would be foolhardy, but consideration 
for the other person’s intelligence and ability, and a 
display of confidence in his judgment are necessary to 
establish the groundwork of success in any team—team 
work: 


GOOD MANNERS AT CARDS 


If you must drum, join the army! If your inclinations 
run toward massage, rubbing other people’s chins and 
IOI 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


foreheads may prove profitable; at a card game there is 
nothing to be gained by occupying yourself on your own 
face in this way, except the disfavor of the other players. 
Slapping and waving the cards is a source of irritation 
to those who are losing; gentlemen do not intentionally 
nettle the unfortunate. Hold your orations in the town 
hall. Fortune telling is prohibited by law; if you are 
wise enough to know just what your opponent is going 
to play each time, perhaps you can use this foresight in 
leading him to play the cards you wish to get. Ina word, 
affectation and mannerisms attractive of attention are not 
pleasing to others, and may mean fewer invitations to 
games, regardless of playing ability. Modesty and sim- 
plicity of manner are essential traits for those aspiring 
to popularity. 


GOOD MANNERS IN SPECTATORS 


Criticising another’s play is almost as bad as criticising 
his clothes. It is part of his personal composition, and 
personalities are rarely discussed even by very inti- 
mate friends. The sportsman does not discuss his oppo- 
nent’s play except perhaps to softly say, “Too bad, old 
man!” at an unfortunate stroke; but he is always ready 
to commend, “Great shot! old top!”’—why then should 
the spectator take it upon himself to make audible com- 
ment! It is distracting; distractions are avoided by the 
well mannered. 

Never trail along the links to follow the play of 
strangers. Golf requires a steady hand and eye; your 
presence may unnerve the players, and spoil their enjoy- 
ment. It is equivalent to intruding upon the conversation 

102 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


of others. If you enjoy walking on the links, try to keep 
out of the way of play. 


RULES FOR SPORTSMEN 


“The game’s the thing!”—play to win, but play prim- 
arily to play, that is, for all the game is worth. 

Learn the rules of any game you play, thoroughly! 

Don’t discredit the success of your conqueror. To stop 
in the middle of a match that seems lost, complaining of 
an injury that existed before you started, is to court 
unfavorable criticism. 

A man playing with a woman should not take advan- 
tage of his superior endurance (if he has it)—even if 
she is a militant suffragette! The same applies to play 
with a weaker male opponent, despite the fact that he 
challenged you. His thorough and decisive defeat will be 
sufficient to convince him of your superiority as a player. 

When there is a doubt, give the other person the benefit. 
Should this decision handicap you, your ultimate victory 
will be so much more worth the winning. But if you 
lose, even though granting the handicap was instrumental 
in your loss, don’t mention it. Take your defeat good- 
naturedly, and make the winner feel that the decision of 
the point in question had no bearing on the final result. 
He will admire you for it, and you will be nearer attain- 
ing the goal of all sport—the molding of an admirable 
character ! 


103 


CHAPTER VIII 
CARDS AND VISITS 


The first part of this book is intended to bring good 
social practices down to a level attainable by the person 
of moderate circumstances who wishes to be correct 
within his means. Questions of strictly formal procedure 
likely to be necessary only in the lives of the people 
coming under the category of what has become known as 
“the four-hundred” are recorded for those who aim high, 
in the latter part of the book under “Formal Procedure.” 
The use of cards and the necessity for making visits, 
may be encountered by most anybody in daily life, so 
that it seems necessary to place this information “up 
front.” 


TEXTURE OF CARDS 


All visiting cards should be engraved on white unglazed 
(known to printers and engravers as “kid finish”) Bris- 
tol board. The card may be of medium thickness or thin 
to suit individual taste. Some years ago cards were used 
very thin, the reason being that more cards could be 
conveniently carried on the person. 


STYLE OF LETTERING 


The style of type most in use to-day is a shaded block 
letter. Script (the style of type imitative of handwriting) 
is steadfastly adhered to by the minority. Its grace is 

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


undeniable; its appearance is always in good taste. A 
plain block letter is likewise acceptable and always pre- 
sentable, though it should be chosen in the light face 
rather than the heavy. With the exception of what is 
known to printers as “wedding text” (regular, not 
shaded), which is a form of old English, though not so 
elaborate as what the printers call ‘“Engravers’ Old Eng- 
lish,” ornamental lettering is not used to-day. 


POSITION OF NAME AND ADDRESS 


Good printers and engravers may be trusted to “set” 
cards in the correct way, but it is always advisable for 
people to know what is correct so that they may be cer- 
tain to get it. | 

The name always appears centered from side to side 
and somewhat above the center. The optic center is 
above the actual center, so that a name appearing in the 
actual center will appear low, or below center. The 
address of people living in the city should be placed in the 
lower right corner in type smaller than the name. Ad- 
dresses are not essential in the country, as everyone 
knows where everyone else lives. Those having both 
town and country addresses have separate cards. ‘This 
does not necessarily require extra engraving plates. 
(Consult your printer or engraver, he will explain how 
this is done.) 


CHARACTER IN CARDS 


The choice of cards and types is as important as the 
selection of personal attire. The card is the silent repre- 
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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


sentative of the person: it stands for you in your absence. 
It must express your character. If you do not wish to 
create a false impression, do not use a card that is any- 
thing but simple and correct. When you find a good 
printer, stick to him; they are hard to find. 


THE SIZES OF CARDS 
THE LADY’S CARD 


The card of a lady is usually from about 234 inches in 
width by 2 inches high, to 314 inches wide by 234 inches 
high. 

THE YOUNG GIRL’S CARD 


A young girl’s card is smaller and more nearly square 
in shape. The height is usually about 2 inches, while the 
width, depending on the length of the name, varies from 
214 to 25% inches. 


THE GENTLEMAN’S CARD 


The shape of a man’s card is somewhat different from 
either a lady’s or a girl’s. It is long and narrow, from 
2% to 3% inches wide and from 114 to 1% inches high. 


CORRECT USE OF NAMES AND TITLES 
THE LADY'S TITLE 


The wife always uses the husband’s name as he uses 
it. If the husband’s cards are engraved “Mr. Walter 
Wallace J. Clarke,” the wife’s cards should read, “Mrs. 
Walter Wallace J. Clarke.” A married woman’s card 
should never be engraved “Mrs. Josephine Clarke”; at 
least to be in accord with best practices. It is required, 

106 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


of course, that a woman sign her own Christian name to 
all business and legal documents. None but correspond- 
ents from banks or lawyers’ offices may address a woman 
as “Mrs. Josephine Clarke.” A widow’s card reads 
exactly the same as if her husband were alive—i. e., 
“Mrs, Walter Wallace J. Clarke,” unless her son, who has 
his father’s full name, marries. In such case the widow 
adds Sr. to her name. If she remains the head of the 
family, she may omit all Christian names and have her 
card engraved “Mrs. Clarke,” while the son uses “Mr. 
Walter Wallace J. Clarke,” without the Jr., and the 
daughter-in-law “Mrs. Walter Wallace J. Clarke.” 

When the son has discontinued the use of Jr. the 
daughter-in-law must also omit Jr. from her cards. A 
wife must always bear the name of her husband, as he 
uses it. If, for example, Mr. Clarke, Jr., and his mother, 
who has become a widow, have their cards engraved, 
respectively, Mr. Walter Wallace J. Clarke and Mrs. 
Walter Wallace J. Clarke, while the son’s wife continues 
the use of the Jr., and her cards read Mrs. Walter Wal- 
lace J. Clarke, Jr., one receiving all three cards would 
naturally infer that the trio were Mr. and Mrs. Clarke 
and their daughter-in-law. 


THE GIRL’S TITLE 


Girls over the age of sixteen always place “Miss” be- 
fore their names on cards. The Christian names must 
always be spelled in full. Nicknames must not be used. 


THE GENTLEMAN'S TITLE 


“Mr.” is always used on the correct gentleman’s card. 
The name in full is another requirement of the flawless 
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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


card. The use of initials, though universally practiced, is 
not correct. Every name should be spelled out in full, 
but since American custom clings to each name given in 
baptism, it is necessary that the name line be shortened in 
some way or other. High authorities assert that a name 
or two may be dropped. For example, Mr. Walter 
Wallace Johnson Clarke may become Mr. Walter Clarke 
or Mr. Walter Wallace Clarke. The prevalent custom, 
however, would be to make it Mr. Walter W. J. Clarke. 


THE BOYS TITLE 


Boys use “Mr.” on cards after leaving preparatory 
school. Some young men, however, use cards without 
the title even while in college. A son who has his 
father’s full name uses Jr. after his name. 


SPECIAL TITLES 


The doctor, minister, or military officer engraves his 
card with an abbreviation of his title, while a judge, 
regardless of his rank, uses simply “Judge,” not “Supreme 
Court Justice”; for example: Judge Jeremiah Johnson, 
the Rev. Grant Stickney, Dr. William Wells, Col. Walker 
Streight. 

ERRORS TO BE AVOIDED 


“Jr.” should never replace “Mr.” on a man’s card, the 
latter remaining when the former is used. 

When “junior” is spelled out, it should be with a small 
and not a large “j.” 

The name of her former husband may be retained by 
the woman who has divorced her husband; such is her 
social as well as her legal right (in New York State and 
in numerous other States). A woman whose name was 

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Rita Brockton before marriage could use the name Mrs. 
Brockton Clark, but not Mrs. Rita Clark, and never 
Mrs. Rita Brockton. This last would give the impres- 
sion that she was responsible for the divorce, 


CHILDREN’S CARDS 


If the child is brought up in the way he shall go, his 
going is simplified. Early practice in the use of cards is 
as advisable as early practice in good manners in gen- 
eral. Children, of course, are not required to leave cards 
when calling, but cards may be attached to gifts and used 
On various special occasions. 


ADAPTABILITY OF CARDS 


The scope of usefulness of the card has in recent years 
been broadened to a point far beyond its original pur- 
pose. Instead of being used merely as evidence of the 
visit of one person at the home of another, it is used 
to-day in place of the written note of invitation to any 
kind of informal party. Messages of condolence, regret, 
congratulations, endorsement, and messages of many 
sorts are to-day written on the visiting card. On the 
other hand, in its original purpose the visiting card has 
been losing its prestige perceptibly. 


SEECIAL, CARDS AND WHEN TO USE THEM 


Cards engraved “Mr.” and “Mrs.” are used in paying 
formal visits, in sending wedding presents, with flowers 
to a funeral, or with flowers to a débutante. 

G. Man.— 109 


THE BJOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The double card engraved with the mother’s name and 
the débutante’s name is used most frequently when the 
formality of a coming-out entertainment has been dis- 
pensed with. The daughter’s name on the mother’s card 
is an announcement that the daughter is grown, and pre- 
pared to accept invitations. 

In like manner it is permissible for a mother to leave 
her son’s card with her own; that is, where it is proba- 
ble that entertainments for young people may be held. 
Such is the procedure when a young man has been away 
at school long enough for his acquaintanceship to have 
suffered. Moreover, it is correct at all times when for- 
mally leaving cards to leave those of all grown sons and 
daughters. 

ADDRESS NOTIFICATION CARDS 

Visitors in a strange city send cards to friends in that 
city with their temporary address written in ink in the 
lower left-hand corner. 

A lady visitor in town may also send such a card to any 
gentleman whom she would care to see, and who she is 
certain would care to see her. : 

If one is listed in the Social Register, but is neverthe- 
less desirous of informing friends of a change of address 
before a revised edition of the Register can be printed, 
one may send a card with the new address written in the 
lower left-hand corner. If one is not listed in the Regis- 
ter, it is, of course, necessary to send cards. 


THER. P. 20. GARD 


The P. P, C. card (pour prendre congé—to take leave) 
is just a visiting card with these initials written in ink in 
the lower left-hand corner, signifying that one is about 

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to depart for the season or permanently. The card is 
left at the door or sent by mail. This, however, does not 
take the place of a farewell visit if special courtesies or 
kindnesses have been received; nor is it considered an 
expression of thanks. In such cases either a visit should 
be paid or a farewell note written. 


WHEN TO SEND CARDS 


In notification of one’s intention not to attend a tea 
or a wedding, the invitation for which did not require an 
answer, one must mail a card in time to be received by 
the hostess on the morning of the entertainment. 

The ordinary visiting card is used as notification that 
one will not attend a tea for a débutante. Cards are 
inclosed in one envelope and addressed: 


Mrs. SLEIGHTON 
Miss SLEIGHTON 
25 Boulevard 
New York 


Cards are also sent to the parents of the bride and to 
the bride and bridegroom when one is not going to 
attend a wedding reception, and in each case the envelopes 
are addressed Mr. and Mrs. It is correct to ad- 
dress the bride and groom in this way, because the cards . 
are to arrive on the morning of the wedding, and it is 
quite certain that by the time the cards are received the 
couple will be Mr, and Mrs. 

These formalities are courtesies to be applied when the 
R. s. v. p. does not appear, and one is not going to the 
affair. 





Bit 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


CARD LEAVING 


Card leaving is a courtesy expressive of thanks paid 
by dutiful members of society after dinners, luncheons, 
breakfasts, balls, weddings, christenings, musicales; in 
short, after attendance at any formal function whatso- 
ever, and upon receipt of invitations to any affair, to 
which special invitations were issued. Most often the 
busy woman fulfills her hospitality obligations by making 
the rounds of the houses to which she has received invita- 
tions, making no request to be received. Very often the 
chauffeur merely runs up the steps, leaves the cards and is 
away again. By this action the hostess knows that she 
has been formally thanked. The woman who has time, 
tries to see the lady of each house where she owes a duty- 
visit. But whether or not a caller is received the card- 
leaving etiquette is the same. 

Within three days after the holding of a forial affair 
cards should be left upon the hostess by all those who 
received invitations, whether or not the invitations were 
accepted. This act of courtesy may not be delayed longer 
than a week. Precedent in the locality in which you live 
should guide you in asking whether the lady is at home, 
‘but promptness demands leaving the card if she is not. 

Cards are also left on the mother of both bride and 
bridegroom after the wedding. 

The polite mother of a débutante leaves her card and 
that of her daughter on every hostess who has invited 
the débutante. The courteous hostess returns the compli- 
ment although neither visit need be regarded as requiring 
further acquaintance. 

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


A CARD UPON THE FRIEND OF A FRIEND 


If you happen to be visiting a lady who is stopping 
with a friend the question as to whether or not you 
should leave a card upon the hostess as well as on your 
friend is a matter requiring an analysis of the situation. 
If you would not be regarded as a social climber, it would 
be advisable in such a case not to leave a card on the 
hostess who is socially prominent, for a card left without 
explanation might give such an impression. If you are 
the more prominent person, leaving a card on the hostess 
might be a very nice little act, but might also prove an 
indiscretion, for you might later not wish to place the 
lady’s name upon your list. If, however, your brief 
acquaintance with the lady proves interesting to you, and 
seemingly to her, your better judgment might be sufficient 
to warrant leaving a card. 


WHEN A VISITING CARD IS A VISITING CARD 


The keeping of a regular visiting list and the regular 
exchange of visits are fast becoming unknown. The 
younger generation spends part of its time working and 
the other part playing, mostly in the great outdoors. 
With the exception of the absolutely obligatory calls, 
such as calls of condolence, visits to strangers and other 
similar courtesies, all of which are punctiliously kept, 
the calling custom is at such a stage of decline today 
that it may even now be called a thing of the past. 
Visiting cards, as previously stated in the beginning of 
this chapter, are seldom used for visiting. 


113 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


WHEN CARDS MUST BE LEFT 


But there are occasions which unconditionally demand 
that cards be left. 

A first call must be returned. If one never makes a 
second, one must nevertheless call once upon a person 
who has paid an initial visit, unless something decidedly 
objectionable furnishes real cause for an action contrary 
to this iron-bound law of etiquette. On this return call 
one leaves cards. 

The person making the first call always leaves cards— 
this indication that the hostess is expected to return the 
call, though understood, must never be neglected. She 
may not have your card any more, and even if she has 
the leaving of more cards is an absolutely necessary and 
unquestionable assertion that she must make the next call 
at your house or temporary place of residence. Failure 
to leave cards might cause misunderstandings. 

In leaving or sending the first invitation one also leaves 
or sends a card. The formality of paying a first visit 
before issuing a first invitation is often dispensed with, 
a note of explanation being sent instead. With the note 
goes a card. This is admitted to be incorrect procedure, 
_ but it is being done by fashionable society today, If the 
pre-invitation visit is not made the note must be sent, but 
when an older lady invites a younger girl this is not 
necessary. 

The receipt of a first invitation requires that one leave 
a card within three days to a week of the date for which 
the invitation was given, whether the invitation was 
accepted or not. 

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


After taking a first meal in a lady’s house one must 
return within a few days and leave a card. 

There is one last obligation to be listed and this is 
more important than any other. An acquaintance suffer- 
ing a bereavement must not be neglected, and the sick 
must likewise be remembered. A card must be left on, 
or flowers may be sent to, people in the former mentioned 
state of misfortune, while flowers or cards of inquiry 
are sent to the sick. 

Cards are usually left on the mother of the bride and 
the mother of the bridegroom after a wedding, by those 
who were present. 


CARD MESSAGES 


“To inquire” is written on a visiting card left at the 
house of sick persons where it is not possible to be 
received. Writing in pencil is permissible. 

“With heartfelt sympathy,” or “With sympathy” is 
written on the visiting card sent with flowers to a funeral, 
or it may be left at the door of the house of mourning 
when ‘one is not well enough acquainted to ask to be 
received. This message must be written in ink. 

When disappointed in not finding a lady at home, one 
may write in pencil, “Sorry not to have seen you,” or 
something similar. 

When a card is left for a lady living in an apartment 
or hotel, it is advisable to write her name in pencil on the 
card to insure its certain deliverance to the right lady. 

Unwritten messages are also conveyed by visiting 
cards, by turning down the corner. Different messages 
are transmitted in this manner by different people. Some 

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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


people mean to announce in this way that the visit is 
intended for all the ladies in the house. Others merely 
want to present evidence of having appeared in person; 
that the card was not sent in an envelope. Some turn 
down the corner and mean nothing. 


CORRECT NUMBER OF CARDS TO LEAVE 


The number of cards left by a visitor, whether or not 
the lady of the house is at home, is the same: one card 
of the visitor and one of her daughter’s for each lady of 
the house; one of her son’s and one of her husband’s 
for each lady and gentleman of the house. But never 
more than three cards of one person are left. If, for 
example, there are three grown daughters beside the lady 
of the house, a card on each would require four cards; 
but only three may be left. In this case one card is left 
for the lady of the house and only one for all the other 
ladies. Should there be a visitor at the house whom one 
has been invited to meet, another card, making three in 
all, would be left for the visiting lady. 


GALLS 


The correct hour for leaving cards and paying formal 
visits is between three thirty and four thirty. People are 
at home for informal calls to friends between five and 
SIX. 


OPENING THE DOOR TO A VISITOR 


The hall table in every house should hold a small card 
tray and a pad and pencil. There is a very nice pad to 
116 


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be had at all stationers, the sheets of which may be folded 
into envelope form. 

The servant who answers the bell should have the 
card tray on the palm of the left hand ready to present. 
The correct servant never takes the card in his fingers. 


THE FIRST VISIT 


The older residents of a small town or a small country 
place always call first on strangers moving into the 
neighborhood, or they may invite the younger or less 
prominent to call on them. Courtesy would demand that 
the one invited respond. When the ladies are of equal 
age or position either one may make the first move by 
saying, “I would like very much to have you come and 
see me.” To which the other might reply, “I should be 
glad to.” More usually the first one shows a willingness 
to become acquainted by saying, “I should like to call on 
you if I may ;” to which the other can but reply, “I would 
like very much to have you come.” By speaking thus. 
the first lady made it obligatory for her to pay the second 
lady a visit. If she failed to do so it would seem an 
implication that on second thought she did not favor the 
possible acquaintanceship. 

All the guests at a wedding must call upon the bride on 
her return from the honeymoon. If the bride has come 
from a distant place she should be visited by the friends 
and neighbors of the groom just as soon as the couple 
are settled in their new home. 

First visits are also brought about through letters of 
introduction, as explained under the chapter on intro- 
ductions. 


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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


People who naturally seem to incline toward acquaint- 
anceship with one another may sometimes arrange visits 
upon the occasion of their first meeting. 


THE LADY OF THE HOUSE AT HOME 


On an “at home” day guests are shown right into the 
drawing room, the maid or waitress saying, “This way, 
please,” meanwhile going ahead as quickly as possible to 
present the card tray. The guest considerately lags be- 
hind to give the maid a chance to deliver the card, and to 
allow the hostess time to read the name. 

The guest entering the drawing room goes forward to 
shake hands with the hostess. Where there is a butler, 
he picks the card up from the trap and, opening the 
drawing-room door, announces the name of the arrival, 
thereafter placing the card on the hall table. 

The hostess rises to greet a visitor unless it be a very 
young woman or a man, or unless she is seated behind the 
tea table in a position from which it would be difficult to 
rise. If the visitor is a lady much older than herself or 
a lady of distinction, the hostess should always rise. 

If the lady of the house happens to be upstairs when 
a guest arrives, the servant leads the visitor into the re- 
ception room and asks him or her to have a seat. The 
card is then taken to the mistress of the house. 


WHEN THE GENTLEMAN CALLS 


It is not customary for men to pay visits without first 
telephoning, although the young man who has often been 
invited to dinner or to her opera box may two or three 

118 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


times a season make a tea time visit upon the hostess. 
Generally, however, some woman member of his family 
leaves his card after a dinner or a dance, or else it is not 
left at all. 

A gentleman always asks if the hostess is at home. If 
it happens to be tea time and the gentleman is well known 
at the home, he leaves his hat, stick, coat, and gloves in 
the hall and is at once shown into the drawing room. If 
there are people present with whom the gentleman is not ' 
acquainted, he shakes hands with the hostess and bows 
slightly to all the others. He shakes hands with those of 
the guests who are friends, with all the men to whom he 
is introduced, and with the ladies, if they offer their 
hands; if not, he merely bows in acknowledgment. 

In paying visits of condolence or inquiring for a con- 
valescent when his reception may be doubtful, a gentle- 
man does not take off his coat or gloves, but waits in the 
reception room with his hat and stick in his hand. When 
he is informed that some one will receive him, whether 
it be the hostess, her daughter, or another lady of the 
house, the gentleman removes his coat and gloves and 
gives them to the servant, together with his hat and stick, 
to be taken out to the front hall. 


VISITS EVERYONE MUST MAKE 


There are visits which everybody must make, and upon 
which one must always ask to be received. A visit to a 
sick person shows thoughtfulness and kindly feeling, and 
it is always nice to bring gifts of books, fruit, flowers, or 
some other delicacy that it is known the sick person may 
eat and enjoy. 


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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


When a death occurs in the immediate family of a 
friend a visit of condolence should at once be paid. A 
lady writes a note of sympathy to a gentleman, but does 
not call on him. 

The announcement of the engagement of a relative 
requires that you go to see his fiancée. If she is not at 
home, you leave a card on her and her mother, but you 
do not ask to see the mother, whereas if she is at home 
you do ask to see her mother, after having been received 
by the daughter. 

Visits of congratulation are paid to new mothers, and 
gifts are taken for the baby. 


AN INVALID MAY VISIT BY PROXY 


It is not expected of invalids and people who have ex- 
treme difficulty in getting about to repay the visits of 
friends who are attentive and kind enough to frequently 
call upon them. Should a stranger leave cards on an 
invalid, another representative may repay the courtesy by 
leaving a card or even paying a visit; if a visit, the caller 
by proxy lays her own card and that of the person for 
whom she is calling upon the tray. When received by 
the hostess, she explains her appearance in place of the 
relative who cannot come. 


DURATION OF A VISIT 


A formal visit should be brought to a close in approxti- 
mately twenty minutes. On very formal occasions when 
other visitors are announced, the first arrival may shorten 
her visit. If the conversation is particularly interesting, 

120 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the visit may be prolonged'a while, but on no account 
may a visitor stay an hour. 


POISE IN THE DRAWING ROOM 


Actions in the drawing room may well be considered 
as a barometer of the person’s breeding. The first im- 
pression is created when the arrival steps into the draw- 
ing room. A slight pause of literally a fraction of a 
second should be made in which a quick survey of the 
room should suffice to locate the hostess. People who 
rush into the room and then stand bewilderedly looking 
around to find the hostess, present a picture of awkward- 
ness. In the moment that one takes to discover the 
hostess one can also find the shortest and best means of 
access to her. When a man greets a hostess he pauses 
slightly while she smiles and offers her hand. He re- 
turns the smile, shakes hands and bows slightly. A lady 
also shakes hands with the hostess and with all those 
close by with whom she is acquainted, bowing to others 
of her acquaintance who are seated at a distance, and to 
strangers to whom she is introduced. 

The entrance gracefully accomplished, one must also be 
careful to carry out the remainder of the performance 
with equal poise. The greetings over, one looks about 
slowly for a convenient place to sit. One should not 
plunge suddenly into the first place that comes into 
sight, but slowly rather drop into a comfortable chair. 
A straight chair does not require its occupant to emulate 
its physical aspect, nor does an easy-chair require that 
one lump into it like a bag of grain. Dignity and ease 
should be combined in a sort of semi-relaxed posture. 

[21 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Comfort and ease should not be carried to extremes. 
It is perfectly well for a lady or a man to cross knees 
and to lean back in a chair, but the lady should not sit in 
such manner that her skirts come up to or above her 
knees ; nor should a gentleman rest on his collar bone and 
place one ankle on the other knee. To be quite proper a 
lady should sit with knees together and hands relaxed in 
her lap, or if she wishes she may cross her knees, keeping 
the one foot close to the other ankle. The hands may be 
rested on the arms of an easy-chair on informal occa- 
sions, but a lady in ball dress should not for beauty’s 
sake lean against the back of a chair. A gentleman on 
formal occasions should sit in the center of his chair. 
He may lean back on a straight chair. 


OTHER INFORMATION ON VISITS 


Ladies never pay party calls on gentlemen. For a 
gentleman who has given a dinner which was chaperoned 
by. his mother or sister or some other lady relative, cards 
should be left on the mother, sister, or lady relative. 

Though seldom done, it is nevertheless the height of 
correctness and good manners to pay dinner calls within 
twenty-four hours. When a gentleman accepts some 
one’s hospitality while his wife is away, it is correct for 
the wife to pay the party call with (or for) him, it being 
assumed that she would have been included had she been 
at home. 

A young girl may be accompanied by her fiancé on 
visits to repay members or friends of his family for calls 
made on her, but ordinarily a lady never calls on another 
“escorted” by a gentleman, nor does she make the first 

122 


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visit to members and friends of her fiancé’s family, un- 
less requested to do so by note from an invalid or one in 
some other way incapacitated. 

A young man may call on a young girl as long as they 
mutually feel inclined to see one another. 

If you really feel that you have overstayed the time 
limit, it is advisable to promptly leave and say nothing 
about it. Remarks about having “stayed too long” or 
“hurrying off” or “talking too much” are out of place 
and seemingly stupid. Mentioning these faults merely 
accentuates the impropriety of having committed them. 

It should not be necessary to post a “hands off!” sign 
on the walls of a drawing or reception room. The well 
bred person never pokes, pushes, or handles people; the 
ill bred person immediately stamps himself as such by 
_ doing these things. 

If you are with two or more other people and wish to 
invite one of these people and not the other, wait until you 
have the one person alone; to invite one and not the 
other is very ill mannered. 

When you have decided to go, do so. With the deci- 
sion to go your conversation should have been completed. 
Don’t start a new chapter and meanwhile keep your 
hostess standing. When you are ready, simply rise, ex- 
press your delight at having come, say good-by and be off! 

If your hostess is on the point of going out just as you 
arrive, you should not detain her unless she insists that 
you come in. You should at any rate stay just a moment 
or two. During your stay you should sit comfortably and 
appear to be perfectly at ease, and after two or three 
minutes have passed say good-by, thus permitting the 
hostess to carry out her intention. 

123 


CHAPTER IX 


NOTES AND SHORTER LETTERS 


Notes and letters, like cards and visits, are matters of 
daily use in the lives of most people, so that this chapter, 
like the ones preceding, will be discussed irregardless of 
whether the matter is strictly formal or informal. The 
difference between the formal and the informal will, of 
course, be made plain. 


ORDERLINESS AND SIMPLICITY 


“Cleanliness is next to godliness,” and simplicity is next 
to that. It is difficult to imagine a cleanly person being 
disorderly. It is possible to put dirty things in order, 
but-even in the act of putting things in order, there is an 
attempt at cleanliness. Orderliness and cleanliness, being 
closely allied and standing next in line to godliness in the 
order of the virtues, it is clear that cleanliness and order- 
liness are prime requisites in the molding of character. 
Simplicity, in so far as taste is concerned, may not 
strictly be called a matter of character. Many people of 
sterling character have abominable taste. But taste does 
denote breeding, or the lack of it, to a very great extent. 
Simplicity of manners, dress, and in fact everything of 
personal description, unfailingly gives an impression of 
breeding. Nothing reflects so much one’s character and 
breeding as one’s letters. 

124 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DHE NEAT LETTER 


Good penmanship alone does not make the well-appear- 
ing letter. Legibility, enough space between lines, suffi- 
cient margin at the left, a slight margin at the right so 
that words do not run off the side of the page, and 
uniformity of writing and spacing, make the letter writ- 
ten by the poorest hand presentable and representative of 
the character of the writer. 

It is difficult for some people to write evenly and 
regularly. Unconsciously the lines begin running up- 
hill, and then the attempt to control this starts the 
lines going downhill. The guide lines supplied with 
practically all sets of writing paper should be em- 
ployed by those having such difficulty; the effort will 
be repaid in self-satisfaction. Perhaps some day sta- 
tioners will include in their sets cards with guide lines, 
to be slipped into the envelopes, the lines showing through 
to govern the spacing and direction of the writing on the 
envelope. Until then one must exercise extreme care in 

‘addressing envelopes. 


SELECTION OF PAPER 


Good taste in writing paper does not permit of the use 
of ruled, scented or oddly shaped or highly colored paper. 
The paper may in a measure be selected for its adapta- 
bility to the style of penmanship of the individual. One 
writing a large hand should not select a small sheet, but 
rather a larger sheet; and, conversely, the one writing a 
tiny hand should not use a very large paper. The person 
who writes a long slender hand should select a paper 

125 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


narrow and long; the short, spreading hand looks better 
on a paper more nearly square. 

A man’s stationery should preferably be white, though 
a slightly toned paper, of gray or granite, for example, 
is permissible. The size of a man’s sheet is always 
larger, about 6 by 8 inches. 


THE STAMPING 


Some families select a paper which may be used by all 
the members. The address is stamped in black or a 
dark color at the head of the first page. 


PERSONAL STAMPS 


Families having a crest or coat of arms have it blank- 
stamped at the head of their stationery. Artists, archi- 
tects, and professional people who may safely do so some- 
times have a little device indicative of their calling on 
their letter sheets. Such emblems are perfectly permis- 
sible (and this may also be taken as permission for the 
stamping of initials or monograms on stationery), but 
the selection must always be dignified and sensible. 


THE TELEPHONE NUMBER 


The telephone is such a daily necessity in the convey- 
ance of social messages to-day that it is not longer con- 
sidered incorrect to place it directly under the address, in 
very small type. In fact, some people put their telephone 
numbers on their stationery with a sort of a feeling that 
their doing so is a sign of consideration for the time and 
convenience of others. (As yet the telephone number 
has not appeared on visiting cards—perhaps some day it 
will appear there too; this is an age inconsiderate of cus- 
tom and precedent). 


126 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The same paper may be made to answer for both let- 
ters and notes, by giving the note wider margins than 
the letter. Preferable, of course, is the use of note 
sheets and letter sheets for varying purposes. Cards cut 
to fit the envelope are frequently used. 

It is not correct form to have one’s name appear at 
the top of the letter sheet. 


THE ENVELOPE 


Needless to say, the envelope must match the sheet in 
color and texture. Simplicity should be carried out to the 
envelope. The flap should be plain and of conservative 
length. A pointed flap too long or too short gives the 
envelope back an inartistic design, but the square flap may 
extend well beyond the center. It is decreed that the flap 
be perfectly plain, but the utility of having the address 
stamped in very small type on the flap is undeniable, and 
the custom, though not authoritatively sanctioned, is fol- 
lowed by many people. Envelopes containing formal 
letters should, of course, be plain. 

Colored linings are the present fashion for girls and 
young women. White paper with a colored lining and 
monogram stamped on the sheet in a much lighter tint of 
the color of the lining is acceptable, but a conspicuous 
color should not be carried to the writing paper itself. 


MOURNING STATIONERY 


Cards and stationery with black edges are used by 
people in mourning. The breadth of the black page is 
selected in accordance with the personal taste and depend- 
ing upon the closeness of the relationship to the deceased. 

127 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Deepest mourning is expressed by a very wide band, but 
the band should not exceed one-half inch in breadth. 


THE COMPOSITION OF AU LEP rEs 
THE DATE OR HEADING 


The date of a letter is properly placed in the upper 
right-hand corner, the first letter of the line beginning 
slightly to the right of the middle of the page and about 
an inch or more from the top of the sheet. It is also per- 
missible to write the date at the end of a letter after the 
signature, aligning with the left-hand margin. The date 
should not be written in all figures—that is, 3-4-23, but 
March 4, 1923. In private matters it seems rather un- 
becoming to write the date in full—that is, March third, 
nineteen hundred and twenty-three, though this is unde- 
niably correct in legal documents. At the end of a note the 
day of the week is sufficient unless the text of the note 
speaks of some future date as ‘next Wednesday,” for ex- 
ample, in which case it would be necessary to write the full 
date so the recipient may know which date is meant. 

In using stationery that is not stamped with the address 
at the head it is necessary to write the address, in all but 
formal notes, at the head. If the address contains a street 
direction, this precedes the name of the city, as: 


43 Main Street, 
Atlanta, Georgia, 
December 20, 1922. 


If there is no street direction, the name of the city and 
State may be written on one line, preceding the date. 
Amityville, Georgia, December 20, 1922. 
128 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


It is incorrect to abbreviate the words “Street” or 
“Avenue,” nor should the name of town, city, or State 
be abbreviated. It is likewise incorrect to add, st, nd, d, 
rd, or th after the Arabic numeral of the date; June 4, 
1922, is correct. 


THE SALUTATION 
Friendly 


Following are proper salutations for letters of friend- 
ship: 


My dear Sir, My dear Madam, 
My dear Mr. Jones, My dear Miss Jones, 
My dear John, My dear Sally, 


Increasingly intimate salutations such as: 


Alice dear, Dearest Alice, 
Dear Alice, Darling Alice, 


may be used where the occasion warrants, 
“My dear Mrs. Jones” or “Dear Mrs. Jones” are most 
frequently used at the beginning of a formal social letter. 
Business 


After the statement of the full name and address of the 
firm to whom the letter is written the following saluta- 
tions, beginning on the left, directly under the name of 
the firm, may be used: 


My dear Sir: My dear Madam: 
Gentlemen: Ladies: 
Dear Sirs: Dear Ladies: 


129 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Messrs. must never be used alone as a salutation, but 
is decidedly correct when used as follows: 


Messrs. P. F. Collier and Son Company, 
New York, New York. 


Gentlemen: 


Neither is it correct to use a name alone as a salutation; 
the address of the person addressed should always follow. 


THE COMPLIMENTARY CLOSE 
Friendly 


For the general personal note or letter, “Yours very 
truly,” or “Yours sincerely” are proper complimentary 
closings. 

The ending to a formal social note is “Sincerely,” “Sin- 
cerely yours,” “Very sincerely,” or “Always sincerely 
yours.” The complimentary close should stand on a sepa- 
rate line beginning with a capital, in about the middle of 
the page from side to side. Only the first word of the 
line is capitalized. If the form “Believe me,” whicl is 
still considered formally correct (‘I remain, dear 
madam,” has passed out of use), is used, the “Believe 
me’’ is placed on a separate line, as shown below: 


Believe me, 
Yours always sincerely, 
or 


Believe me, my dear Mrs. Welnoan, 
Very sincerely yours, 


A man may very appropriately close by saying “Faith- 
fully yours” or “Faithfully” in writing to a woman, or 
130 | 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


in letters to important functionaries such as a congress- 
man, an ambassador, a clergyman, or a president of the 
United States, or a State governor. 


Intimate 


For those who desire such use, “Devotedly,” ‘“Affec- 
tionately,” “Lovingly,” or “Affectionately yours,” “Your 
loving” are all permissible, being subject merely to indi- 
vidual taste and feeling. 


Business 


“Respectfully” is only used commercially, and then 
only by a tradesman to a customer, and employee to an 
employer, or by an inferior. No lady ever signs a letter 
“Respectfully,” regardless of whom she may be writ- 
ing to. She may say in writing to a lady of the nobility, 
“T have the honor to remain, madam, your most obedi- 
ent.” “Yours truly” or “Yours very truly” are the gen- 
eral business forms for closing a letter. 


THE SIGNATURE 


The name of the writer of a letter as it is customarily 
used should be placed at the end after the complimentary 
close. ‘“‘Mrs.” or “Miss” are only used in signatures to 
notes in the third person and then they are placed in 
parentheses. If Mrs. Johnson, whose name before mar- 
riage was Alice Maxwell, writes a letter to a bank or 
other business firm, she signs ‘Alice Maxwell Johnson,” 
and places her full marriage name below and in line with 
the left margin: that is (Mrs. Walker T. Johnson). An 
unmarried lady writing to a bank or business firm places 
the Miss in parentheses before her full name. 


131 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE SUPERSCRIPTION 


The title “Esquire” should be used to denote a man of 
education or particular professional or literary standing. 
All gentlemen are not necessarily addressed with this 
title. Engraved invitations are addressed “Mr.” 

Invitations to children are addressed “Miss”. and 
“Master.” When there are two or more daughters, the 
elder or oldest is addressed ‘‘Miss Johnson,” the others 
“Miss Sarah Johnson” and “Miss Louise Johnson.” 
Father and son are never addressed as the “Messrs. 
Wellworthy,” as this address applies only to unmarried 
brothers. If father and mother, as well as the daughter, 
are receiving invitations, the daughter should receive a 
separate invitation, addressed “Miss Johnson.” A mar- 
ried woman or a widow is addressed, Mrs. John T. 
Watt, not Mrs. Sarah Watt. 


SEQUENCE OF PAGES 


The note that is too long for one page runs over to the 
third page, and from thence to the second if necessary, 
leaving the fourth page blank. When envelopes with 
linings are used, it is permissible to write on the fourth 
page as well. 

Letters may be written on pages one, two, three, four 
in the regular order. Many prefer to go from page one 
to page four, then back to page two, turning the sheet 
sideways and treating the two pages as one whole sheet. 
The 1-3-2-4 order is also customary. 

Though all of the orders mentioned above are sanc- 
tioned forms, the simple 1, 2, 3, 4 sequence seems most 
unpretentious and desirable. 

132 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


mr SOCTALVNODE 


The following example of a social note will speak 
clearly for itself. With the exception of the text of the 
note, this style may well be adopted for those who have 
stamped stationery. 


Dear Mrs. LoveLace: 

I have requested Fitzgerald Brothers to send 
you a catalogue of plays, of which I already 
have a copy. This list contains so many really 
delightful playlets and tableaux that I am sure 
we will find little difficulty in selecting a splen- 
did program for our entertainment. When you 
receive this catalogue I would like so much to 
have you come to see me. We will have a quiet 
little chat and at the same time manage to fur- 
ther the business of arranging for the bazaar. 

Awaiting the pleasure of seeing you, I am, 

Very sincerely, 
HELEN Hearn, 

Wednesday 


LETTERS OF THANKS 


It is in the matter of writing a letter of thanks that 
one may show clearly the amount and quality of his 
breeding. It is not necessary in thanking a person for a 
gift or favor to become unnecessarily profuse, nor should 
the zestful flow of youthful expression be smothered or 
stultified in pretentious or self-conscious endeavor. A 
simple, straightforward statement of appreciation is best. 


133 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THANKS FOR WEDDING PRESENTS 


Presents received by a couple are considered as belong- 
ing to the bride. Letters of thanks for the presents, how- 
_ ever, are made expressive of gratitude on the part of both 
bride and groom. Those thanked are usually addressed 
in the name of the lady of the house, and even though 
the man is not mentioned the thanks are understood to be 
directed to both people. Simplicity and sincerity are the 
most desirable features to be attained. 

Below are three letters of thanks for wedding presents 
which may be considered generally expressive and rep-. 
resentative: 


Dear Mrs. WELLWoRTHY, 
Every half hour with the striking of the clock, 
I am reminded of you and your wonderful gift. 
The chimes are just the sort of chimes I have 
always admired so much. It was wonderfully 
sweet of you, and I am sure the clock will never 
fail to remind me how grateful I am. 
Very sincerely, 
Lucite LAMONT 


DraR Mrs. APPLEBY, 

Thank you so much for the beautiful figure. 
It is going to be very sweet as a centerpiece on 
the dinner table. Thank you very much. 

You are surely coming to the wedding, aren’t 
your 

Very sincerely, 
LuciLLE LAMONT. 


134 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DEAR Mrs. WELNOAN: 

I never dreamed I would be so fortunate as 
ever to be the owner of so wonderful a piece 
of Wedgewood Pottery. The fruit dish is 
indeed very stunning and I am more grateful 
than words can express. 

Affectionately, 
LuciLLeE LAMONT. 


TO INTIMATE FRIENDS OF THE GROOM 


DEAR Mrs. Brooks, 

George and I were indeed delighted with the 
superb mirror. It reflects your wonderful spirit. 
We wish we could find suitable utterance to 
express our thanks. 

Do come in on Thursday and have an advance 
view of the gifts. 

With love from both of us, and thanking 
you again, 

Affectionately, 
HELEN. 


VERY INTIMATE 


DEAR UNCLE GEORGE: 

You old dear, you are too generous and kind, 
and I feel that you should not have done it. But 
I am so excited over the prospect of driving 
my own little roadster !—when I have become 
a chauffeurette I want you to call upon me to 
drive you here or there. I shall be “at your 
service !” 

Affectionately, 
HELEN. 


135 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Thanks for presents sent after a wedding, Christmas 
presents, presents for a baby, and gifts for like occasions 
are expressed in the same general way as the examples 
above. Sincerity is one of the prime requisites in all 
letter writing, and a clear expression of gratefulness 
usually brings a feeling of pleasure to the heart of the 
donor. 


THE BREAD AND BUTTER LETTER 


A letter of thanks must unfailingly be sent the hostess 
whose hospitality you have accepted for a week-end, or 
longer, or for a day or more on any occasion. The 
letter must be sent within a few days after the visit; 
failure so to do is the height of rudeness. It is always 
possible to think of some pleasant incident that occurred 
On your visit and to write your letter around this theme; 
but of course it should not be made to sound as though 
this one incident was the only pleasant thing that 
happened. 

The following example may serve as a guide in writ- 
ing a note of thanks for a number of days’ stay at 
another’s home. | 


Dear Mrs. RIvErRs, 

I still seem to feel all about me the wonderful 
atmosphere of your pretty little cottage at 
Pleasantville. Consequent thoughts and the 
effect of a few days’ stay in such a paradise as. 
that surrounding your place serve as a stimulant 
that makes city life more pleasant. Thanks 
a thousand times for asking me. I am sure 

136 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


those of us who meet here in the city will often 
find a topic of conversation in recalling the 
splendid time we had at Pleasantville. 
Thanking you again for your kindness to me 
Sincerely yours, 
ALMA WALKER. 


THANKS ARE ALWAYS WRITTEN 


A printed or engraved form of thanks is quite as rude 
as using a rubber stamp for a signature. This com- 
parison is rather extreme, but it seems to measure in a 
way the feeling that one might have upon receipt of a 
printed card of thanks. Only public officials may take 
the liberty of sending anything but written letters of 
thanks for congratulations, or for sympathy in a case of 
death of a family member. 


HE NOTE OF \APOLOGY 


An example of a note of apology and its correct use 
may be found in Chapter III of Part I. 


REQUESTING A LETTER OF INTRODUCTION 


Very intimate friends have no difficulty in obtaining 
letters of introduction from one another to each other’s 
friends. In fact, when one knows that an intimate friend 
may be going to another city, one should save that person 
the trouble of asking for introductions to friends one 
may have in that city. 

But it is not fair to ask a letter of introduction from 
any Dut intimate friends. Formal acquaintanceship 


137 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


furnishes no basis for making such a request, and a 
courteous refusal is very likely to be the outcome of 
asking a letter of introduction from an acquaintance of 
short duration, for discretion argues against so favoring 
the comparative stranger. Nor is it right to ask a letter 
of introduction for one whom the writer of the letter 
does not know. The only instance in which the last rule 
may be strained a point is for the occasion of serving a 
near relative, or for urgent business or charitable reasons, 
and this only when it is impossible to bring writer and 
bearer together. But a refusal even in this case should 
cause no annoyance, for the obliging intimate has the 
privilege and may have sufficient and good reason for 
declining. | 

Some considerate people prefer to go without letters 
of introduction rather than request a favor which might 
prove embarrassing. Persons pleasantly associated for a 
number of years are usually delighted to display their 
confidence and good will, somewhat like this: 


“During the next two months I shall spend 
considerable time in Chicago and its immediate 
vicinity and I shall be alone. I wonder if you 
would ask some of your friends to call upon 
mer! 


Or like this: 


“My father and I are going to be in Savannah 
this winter. Could you give us a letter or two 
of introduction?” 


Tactless or presumptuous acquaintances may occasion- 
ally without encouragement offer letters of introduction, 
138 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


but these may be civilly refused by saying that time will 
not permit their use. 


GIVING OR WITHHOLDING INTRODUCTORY 
LETTERS 


Old friends very properly offer one another letters of 
introduction. If, however, there are strong doubts of 
good consequences developing from a letter, the desire 
to serve should be restrained. If a very dear friend 
asks for a letter to a person whom you have reason to 
suspect would not care to meet your friend, your duty 
to both the friend and the other person demands an 
evasion. You may very discreetly say: “I think, if you 
don’t mind, I had better write and see if I cannot arrange 
to have Mrs. Blank call upon you; she is such a busy 
person.” 

If a letter of introduction on behalf of a stranger— 
and if you write a letter for a stranger you must make 
known to the one addressed the fact that the person is 
a stranger—is not honored, you must not be disappointed. 
Letters introducing sons, daughters, nephews or nieces 

of friends to your relatives may be issued even upon 
slight acquaintance with the bearer of the letter. A 
relative of a friend may safely be introduced by letter 
to a distant business acquaintance, but for the stranger, 
friends of friends,—never—except in unusual cases. 

Refusals should always be amiably softened, for 
gentleness is the underlying virtue of culture, You 
may say, “I fear I do not know Mrs. Blank well enough 
to give you a letter to her,’—or (if such is actually the 
case) “I know Mrs. Blank to be at present so preoccupied 


139 


THE: BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


that I do not think I had better make any further de- 
mands on her time just now.” 

Never hesitate to admit that you are not sufficiently 
well acquainted with a person to send anyone with 
credentials from you. 

Consideration for those burdened with distress or 
misfortune of any nature whatever, or to those preparing 
for removal, renovation, or for a special function such 
as a wedding, should serve as a deterrent from adding to 
their problems. 

As a rule a man writes ahead on behalf of his femi- 
nine friends, asking his friends to be kind to Miss Blank, 
who will post her cards to them announcing her arrival 
in their neighborhood. 

The acceptance and presentation of letters of introduc- 
tion are discussed in Chapter III of Part I. 


THE CARD OF INTRODUCTION 


Gentlemen very often give introductions to one another 
by merely writing “Introducing Mr. So-and-So” on the 
card of the man making the introduction. A private let- 
ter is then sent by mail telling the other gentleman that 
Mr. So-and-So is coming. The letter would read some- 
what as follows: 


DEAR JAMIESON: 

Ronald Trell is coming to Baltimore on a short 
business trip. I have given him a card of intro- 
duction to you. You will find him a very agree- 
able and worthy sort, and I am sure that some 
of his many anecdotes and experiences will 

140 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


prove very entertaining to you and Mrs. Jamie- 
son. Perhaps you can arrange for him at the 
club. I know he will appreciate whatever you 


may do for him. Faithfully, 
IRVING PAINE. 


LETTERS OF CONGRATULATION 


ON ENGAGEMENT 
DEAR JANE: 

We have been rather anticipating the good 
news, so that while we are not entirely surprised, 
we are indeed pleased. We have all been very 
fond of Tom. His fine character and disposi- 
tion are worthy of the splendid reward, lucky 
fellow! We send you both every good wish for 
a bright and happy future. 

Affectionately, 
WILMA LITTLE. 
DEAR JANE: 

You cannot expect, my little dear, that I be 
capable of expressing all my wishes for your 
happiness. Give Charles my love and say I think 
him very lucky. May all the fortunes of joy 
and happiness come to you both. 

Lovingly, 
AUNT ELLEN. 
DeAR CHARLES:. 

You are a lucky fellow! Jane is such a won- 
derful little woman, and, of course, we don’t 
think that you had all the luck either! If ever 
old friends wished others well, you may be sure 

G. Man,—F I41 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


that we wish you both the best possible fortune 
anl happiness, 
WILMA AND JEAN LITTLE. 


ON APPOINTMENT TO OFFICE 


DEAR GEORGE: 

Merit does not go unrewarded. How often 
you have stated that there is no short cut to suc- 
cess, and now you have proved your case! Were 
we called upon to make the appointment for the 
position, we could not think of anyone more 
fitted than yourself. We know that you will do 
everything humanly possible to bring honor to 
the office and to your country. Please give my 
love to Evelyn and tell her how much we con- 
gratulate you both. 

Very sincerely, 
ELsizE YOUNG. 
DEAR ALLEN: 

Your appointment is a source of much gratifi- 
cation among your acquaintances here, and our 
sincere wishes for the utmost success go with 
you. With more of your type in the executive 
chambers there would be a more steadfast ad- 
herence to proper principles. Hearty congratu- 
lations ! 

WILLIAM WADSWORTH. 


ON SUCCESS 


DEAR GEORGE: 
We have read with pleasure the announcement 
of the selection of your painting by the academy, 
142 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and though we feel success is great, we hope that 
it is only the beginning of what is to follow. 
May we in the near future have occasion very 
frequently to offer “our best congratulations !” 
Sincerely, 
JoHN SMITH. 


Dear Mrs. WELLWorRTHY: 

The news of Donald’s success was indeed 
received with great pleasure. How splendid he 
is! And how proud you must be of him! We 
are all so glad for him and for you. Please 
give him our love and congratulations. 

Affectionately, 
Louise Brown. 


LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE 


In the throes of sadness and heartaches, a pat on the 
back and a clasp of the hand is a little lift to the burden 
to be borne. If you can make your letter take the place 
of such action, it will mean more than a page of eulogy. 
Flowers at a funeral are more or less a formality, but 
the handclasp and a word of encouragement are the 
things that make those in sorrow bear up bravely. The 
handshake is brief, but if properly given comes from the 
heart of one and goes to the heart of another. Make the 
letter of condolence as brief and yet as warm as the heart- 
felt handshake. Say what you mean, and if you really 
mean it, the words themselves, regardless of grammatical 
expression, will show their true worth. Topics irrelevant 
to the expression of sympathy should be excluded. 


143 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The following examples are meant merely as a gen- 
eral guide to simple and concise expression in a letter of 
condolence. 

TO AN ACQUAINTANCE 


DEAR Mr. SMITH: 

Though not very intimate with you and your 
family, I do nevertheless know what it means to 
suffer a loss such as yours, and I feel that I must 
tell you how deeply I sympathize with you and 
yours. 

Sincerely, 
RicHArD NEVINS. 


TO A FRIEND 


Dear JOHN: 

It is very difficult to find words expressive of 
my deep sympathy for you and your family in 
your great sorrow. If there is anything I can do 
that will help you in any way, you have but to 
say what it is and I shall be very grateful for the 
opportunity of assisting. 

Sincerely, 
JAMES JONES. 


TO A NEAR RELATIVE 


Dearest MARTHA: 

Words must in this case be the harbingers of 
sympathy and regret! Yet, where in the myriads 
of printed pages can I find words to bring my 
love to you! Be brave! 

Sincerely, 
ESTHER. 
T44 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DEAREST ESTHER: 
My heart is overflowing with love for you, 
and how I wish that love could do something for 


ere Sincerely, 


MARTHA. 
WHEN DEATH BRINGS RELIEF 


When the All-Powerful Hand brings to an end suffer- 
ing of long duration, one must be very sincere, and sin- 
cerity must be so expressed as not to have a demoralizing 
effect. One should not intimate that it was “for the 
best,” for those in bereavement cannot always feel so 
about it. A particular case comes to mind. It is that 
of a mother who never left her rooms throughout the 
fourteen years that her daughter was confined to a chair. 
The child required constant and almost incessant atten- 
tion, frequent dressings were made, bandages had to be 
sterilized—all of which the mother insisted on doing her- 
self—the child had to be shifted to different positions, and 
her infant mind had necessarily to be kept in the humor 
that made her hopeful to the end. The heroism displayed 
by this woman constitutes greatness not to be exceeded. 
Could anyone tell such a mother it was “all for the 
best”! She was prepared to care for that child until she 
herself was old-and feeble; this was her life work, her 
only devotion. Could one write to her of long suffering 
and sorrow? One might say: 


Now, when the calling away of your dearest 
brings such unbearable sorrow, please let me 
offer my love. Let me help to give you the 
strength necessary to bear so heavy a burden. 


145 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


NOTES IN THE THIRD PERSON 


Only formal notes of invitation, acceptance or regret, 
or notes to stores and subordinates are to-day written 
in the third person. One might write to a servant: 


Mrs. Rich wishes Jerry to take Herbert to the 
studio at 2.30 this afternoon and to call back for 
him at 4:00. She wishes also to have him stop in 
at Davis’s to get the flowers she ordered. 


Friday, June 4. 


The note in the third person usually goes unsigned, 
unless it serves as an order on a merchant which requires 
a signature for identification. In this casé a woman 
may prefix a “Mrs.” to her name. 

Letters written in the third person make cumbersome 
reading and should hence be avoided in longer notes, 
unless formal. 


146 


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150 


CHAPTER X 


LONGER LETTERS 
TONICS FOR ANEMIC LETTERS 


Not everyone is gifted to write the smooth, breezy 
letter. Possessed of the “know how” and the ambition to 
improve, most anyone can, however write a letter that 
will please the average recipient. Letter writing, like 
many other of the chivalric courtesies and duties, is un- 
fortunately on the decline. Many people abhor having ta 
write letters. Perhaps it is because they experience diffi- 
culty and are not pleased with the letters they write. 
With the hope that the reader is one of the number who, 
though not frequent letters writers, are nevertheless de- 
sirous of improving those letters which necessity de- 
mands, the few following brief instructions are dedicated: 


BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING! 


The successful story-teller tries to interest the reader 
with the very first sentence. Shakespeare in “Macbeth” 
in a few lines of the first scene strikes the keynote to the 
entire tragedy. Since every letter is in a measure a story, 
the matter of creating interest may be accomplished in 
precisely this same way. The old-fashioned school 
method of dividing a “composition” into an introduction, 
body and conclusion is not the best method for obtaining 
interest. Master writers dispense with the “introduction” 
and go directly about their business of telling the story. 


I5I 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Begin at the beginning! A few attempts will convince 
you that this is not so difficult as it sounds and you will 
find that you yourself are beginning to take more inter- 
est in the letters you write. As each one improves and 
your correspondence increases you will take a greater 
pride in writing pleasing letters. Your responses will be 
more interesting, which is a sure sign that your corre- 
spondents have noted your improvement. Of course, the 
success of a letter does not depend wholly upon the be- 
ginning. The entire letter may speak of several different 
subjects, and yet present a unified and connected whole. 
If, for example, your first paragraph tells of a sleighing 
party which was a joyous and hilarious occasion, and in 
your next paragraph you wish to tell about a funeral, 
even two such paragraphs need not appear as two en- 
tirely distinctive parts of a letter. The funeral para- 
graph may begin somewhat like this: “And after such an 
enjoyable evening came a very sorrowful morning. Poor 
Kitty!” etc. By carrying the thought of the first para- 
graph momentarily into the next and connecting the two, 
you obtain coherence, and your letters are not rambling, 
unconnected discourses. 


WHEN AN APOLOGY IS REQUIRED 


Most people postpone their letter writing so long that 
ultimately an apology becomes necessary. And the 
longer the delay the more difficult it is to begin to write, 
and the harder the beginning the less desirous one be- 
comes of starting at all. When you are in this position 
don’t begin by asking the other person to excuse you be- 
- cause you hate to write letters, for this seems rather a 
reflection on your interest in the other person. Haven't 

152 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


you often received a letter with such a beginning and 
thought to yourself, “It’s too bad about her, but if it 
causes her so much inconvenience to write me a little 
letter I had rather spare her the trouble?” And do you 
then blame people who receive such introductions from 
you for feeling the same way? Wouldn’t a beginning 
like this be better: “You haven’t been thinking for a min- 
ute that I have forgotten you, have you, Anna dear? 
You know that here in the city one’s time is not one’s 
own and that dear friends must often be shamefully 
neglected in the hustle and bustle for the daily bread.” 
Or perhaps you might say: “It seems that some unkind 
spirit has tried to prevent my writing you, but my deter- 
mination was victor over the will of the other.” 


LETTERS PROMPTLY ANSWERED ARE EASILY ANSWERED 


One who forms the habit of promptly responding to 
correspondence eliminates much of the difficulty incurred 
by others who procrastinate. How simple it is to merely 
say: “How delighted we all were when we noticed your 
handwriting on one of the letters of this morning’s mail! 
And yours was the first letter to be opened!” And how 
easily one can go on from such a beginning answering 
questions and retorting to statements contained in the 
letter received. Usually one attains a smooth running 
letter by answering another while all the news is fresh 
in mind. Obligations promptly performed are the source 
of little annoyance. 


STOP AT THE ENDING! 


When the end of your story is reached—stop! If 
you were reading a book in which the author rambled on 


153 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


indefinitely after you felt the story was finished, you 
would lay the book aside. Closing a letter is like taking 
leave, the instructions for which are, “When you have 
decided to go— go!” Talking about going, meanwhile 
keeping the hostess standing impatiently waiting for you 
to carry out your decision, is poor etiquette. Talking 
about ending a letter and not doing so is poor letter 
writing. The close of the letter may be considered anal- 
ogous to the formality of the hand shake. In an intimate 
letter it is even quite permissible to mention practically — 
the same words that one could utter in taking leave of a 
friend, for example, 


“Good-by dear, for today,” 
Lovingly, 
LOUISE. 


If the idea that the closing takes the place of the hand- 
shake in leaving is kept in mind, it will not be difficult 
to remember that the end of the letter should form the 
personal connecting link between two people. That is, 
the last sentence or sentences should preferably mention 
in some way both you and the other person, or some 
incident in which you both took part or were interested. 
For example: “I walked down the old boardwalk 
this evening and how the boards seemed to creak 
and cry ‘Where is Charlie? Where is Charlie?” Or 
“The old flat bottom boat seems to miss your weight 
in the back, and the fish don’t seem to bite as they 
used to,” or something of similar nature. Such a 
close brings also the desire of the recipient to respond 
in kind. 

154 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


TOPICS TO AVOID 
Gloom—Calamity—Petty Misfortune 


If you have no pleasant topics to write about, don’t 
throw a wet blanket on the joy and peace of mind of 
your friends by communicating pessimistic apprehensions, 
borrowed trouble and petty misfortunes. Perhaps it 
would be better to postpone writing until the sun shines. 
Words are hard, inflexible symbols, and the person at a 
distance who has not all information and is not able to 
judge fully of all existing circumstances may picture a 
trifling annoyance to be a cataclysmic catastrophe. 

Your friends are not interested to know that last 
Friday you stumbled and nearly fell, inasmuch as you 
did not fall and were not hurt, or so long as there was 
not even grave possibilities of a serious accident. It is 
not productive of much sympathy for “Poor Mrs. 
Brown” who has so much difficulty controlling her un- 
truly children; and if this world is “going to blazes” why 
fill your letters with such sorrowful news when news- 
paper reporters are far more capable of spreading the 
gospel to a greater number of people than can be reached 
by your letters. 


33 


THE “I, I,” LETTER AND THE “VOID” 


Successful writers of autobiographies, though writing 
solely and mainly about themselves, artfully place them- 
selves in the background as much as possible. The pre- 
dominant and preponderant use of the personal pronoun 
in the first person constitutes hideous repetition, and from 
the viewpoint of interest is absolutely detrimental. If 


155 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


you were a party to a really interesting occurrence the 
relating of the incident cannot be made effective by giving 
too much attention to your part, unless, of course, you 
played the major part; and even then the story can be 
told in such a way as to minimize the mention of your- 
self. To merely catalog a series of everyday actions and 
occurrences such, for example, as going shopping and 
buying this, that and the other thing, some of which are 
becoming to you and not becoming to so and so, etc., etc., 
would probably prove dull and uninteresting to your best 
friends, even though enthused over by you. 

Letters of the “I, I” type are really one of the class 
called “blank” or “void” letters. They are constituted of 
mere words and in so far as interest and the furtherance 
of friendship are concerned, say nothing and accomplish 
nothing. Many people set out to write a letter merely 
because they are obligated to do so. They have nothing 
to say—and of course, say nothing. Such is the typical 
“blank” letter. The busy person may have little to say 
in a letter, but a little is better than nothing. If you have 
only a little to say, say that little and close. You will 
then at least not be infringing on the good time of your 
friends, nor will you be trying their patience and endur- 
ance. Their opinion of you will be enhanced by the 
constant receipt of short letters that say something while 
letters that say nothing create poor impressions. Below 
is an example of a short letter that is nevertheless com- 
manding of respect: 


DEAR MARTHA, 
Some of these days a Jim Wallingford or a 
Jessie James is coming to Somberville and I am 


150 





THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


going to have volumes to tell you. Today it 
is the same old town with its dingy little streets 
(with the exception, of course, of Main Street), 
its rickety old Town Hall, the post office and 
the grocery store. Until Wallingford comes or 
something else that’s startling happens we are 
destined to go on in the same old way. 
Sincerely yours, 
ELIZABETH. 


THE PRETENTIOUS APOLOGIST 


Some people systematically and regularly apologize 
for everything offered at their homes. They speak of the 
poor food they served, and are “grateful” to you for 
coming to their humble homes. Needless to say this is 
in bad taste, when spoken or written. 


PERSONAL REFLECTIONS 


Punsters and wits are amusing personages, but when 
their quips and jests are put on paper it is very often 
difficult to soften the little sting which in personal contact 
is taken away by the smile and the pat on the back. 


NEVERS AND DON’TS FOR WOMEN LETTER 
WRITERS 


Never, unless engaged, write anything to a man that 
might be termed “sentimental.” 

Don’t ever say anything that might be interpreted as 
being eager for a man’s attention. 

Never ask a man for explanations, for this implies 
intimacy. 


157 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Never correspond with a man with whom you are but 
slightly acquainted. 

Don’t say what you don’t mean. Read over your let- — 
ters, particularly those written to men or those mention- 
ing men even in an offhand way, to avoid the possibility 
of making statements that might be misinterpreted. Re- 
reading may show that you don’t mean what you say. 

Never write “gossipy” or “catty” inferences about 
other people. These things are bad enough when passed 
by word of mouth, but seem so much harsher and smaller 
when placed in black and white—and they may prove 
dangerous in more ways than one. 


NEVERS AND DON’TS FOR MEN LETTER 
WRITERS 


Topics to be avoided by men correspondents are largely 
the same as those listed above for the guidance of women. 
A few may-be added or emphasized. 

Never does a gentleman in the least compromise a 
woman in any way—and in a letter such a thing is simply 
out of the question. 

Never write letters belittling the character or intentions 
of another man. 

Never discuss matters of a delicate nature in corre- 
spondence either to a man or a woman. 


MATTERS OF FORM TO BE AVOIDED 


Letters with blots and scratched out portions or era- 
sures should rather be rewritten if one is particular about 
the impressions created by his letter. 


158 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Letters must always be written in ink unless the writer 
is in a place where ink is not obtainable. Sickness may 
also be presented as an excuse for using pencil. Letters 
of invitation, acceptance or regret or social notes, should 
never be typewritten. 


159 


CHAPTER XI 


GOOD MANNERS IN TRAVELING 


AT HOME 


When circumstances temporarily bring strange people 
together, the test of patience is automatically applied. 
The long hours spent on a railroad train or boat pass 
pleasantly enough when traveling companions are well 
mannered. And being well mannered on board train or 
boat consists primarily in being considerate of others. 
A few reminders on general behavior, mentioned in 
numerous other chapters in this book, will suffice to show 
briefly that the general principles of good manners are 
the same wherever civilized people congregate. 


BOARDING A RAILROAD TRAIN 


If, as you approach the steps to the train, there is a 
lady somewhere very near you, permit her to board first. 
If she is more than about twenty feet away, you need 
have no scruples about boarding first, unless she happens 
to be an elderly lady carrying a bag and there are no 
train attendants about, in which case you may offer to 
help her. If you are very kind, you will accompany the 
elderly lady ‘to her seat and put her baggage in place. 
You need not sit with her if you do not care to, but 
the point is that many men seem to pretend not to see 
that there is a lady directly behind, and jump on to the 

160 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


train first. The gentleman sees!—he considers seeing 
a part of his duty to society. And, moreover, these little 
courtesies not only make traveling more pleasant and 
agreeable, but shows of chivalry and gentleness tend to 
draw such things to the attention of those who are care- 
less and forgetful, and in this respect may be considered . 
a service to humanity in general. Don’t be afraid to lift 
a lady’s bag on to the train or into the pockets overhead ; 
. she will not, if she is a lady, consider you servile, but 
gentle. 

Of course a gentleman follows a lady with whom he 
is traveling through the aisles. In getting off, he goes 
first so that he may assist the lady. A lady follows 
this course when traveling with a lady who is her senior, 
and young men show older men the same courtesy. 


ON BOARD THE TRAIN 


Once on board and comfortably seated, maintain rea- 
sonable quietness. Don’t incessantly parade up and down 
the aisle. If you are accompanied, talk in such a tone as 
to be heard by nobody but your companion. If your 
stories are funny and you wish to give them wider cir- 
culation, perhaps you can get the conductor’s ear; he is 
paid to ride on trains and perhaps he can stand more 
than mere travelers. 


WINDOWS AND WINDOW SEATS 


If a lady, elderly man, or child has trouble opening a 
window, you may offer to help. A respectful traveler 
gives a woman or senior companion of the same sex the 
window seat, unless that person prefers the other. The 
thoughtful person is also mindful of the regulation of the 

161 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


window and consults a seat companion as to her or his 
pleasure. 
ODORS 
Many people find difficulty in traveling because the 
movement of the train or boat acts as an irritant. The 
slightest odor of any kind is likely to make them ill, In 
deference to those among the passengers who are so un- 
fortunate one should avoid the use of flagrant perfumes 
in traveling. Fruits, such as bananas and oranges, should 
not be eaten. Apples, plums, pears, sandwiches, or 
crackers are more permissible. 


CHILDREN 


The child well trained will, of course, be less unruly 
on a long journey than one whose training has been 
neglected. The home is a fine place to begin training. 
Home training saves a deal of embarrassment, annoyance, 
and the necessity of scolding and threatening in public. 
Diversion of some kind should be planned beforehand to 
keep children interested. A puzzle or picture book will 
suffice to keep them reasonably quiet. 

There are some things that parents should not permit 
children to do on trains. Running up and down the 
aisles, touching and tugging the garments of parents 
and others, and boisterous laughter or incessant chatter 
are some of these. 


THE YOUNG WOMAN ALONE 


A well-behaved young woman is as safe on the great 
railroads as she is on the local elevated or subway trains. 
She does not permit strange men to intrude upon her 
reserve. Those who are courteous to her, who open win- 

; 162 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


dows, hold doors or get Pullman chairs or seats on the 
observation platform are given a polite, “Thank you.” 

One does love companionship on a long journey, and if 
a girl permits a young man of quite certain character to 
open a conversation the talk should be limited to imper- 
sonal topics. Specific information as to her destina- 
tion, etc., does not concern strangers and should not be 
given. However, a traveling acquaintanceship does not 
give a girl permission to let a young man go to the dining 
car with her, and certainly not to pay her bills! Nor 
should she consent to his offer to take her to her stop- 
ping place on arrival at her destination. If the friends 
who were to meet her do not appear, she should consult 
a station attendant to recommend a reliable taxi or bus 
driver. 


LADY TRAVELERS AND ESCORTS 


As elsewhere made plain, ladies do not travel accom- 
panied by escorts. ‘They may travel alone, but for a lady 
to make a long journey in the company of a man is an 
unheard-of instance in decent society. Books that sanc- 
tion such things and go on to say that the “escort must 
pay all the bills’ are simply preposterously mistaken. 
There is no way in which such a thing can be done. Even 
when a gentleman goes with a lady on a journey of sev- 
eral hours by arrangement, the lady pays her own ex- 
penses. And when a lady by chance finds a gentleman on 
board train with whom she is well acquainted, she should 
preferably take her meals alone, even though she pays 
for her meals when she dines with the gentleman. If 
she accepts one offer to dine at the gentleman’s expense, 
that is sufficient. 

163 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


HOW TO REGISTER IN A HOTEL 


Gentleman: James Brown, Boston. 
Never prefix “Mr.” or “Hon.” 


Lady: Mrs. James Brown, or Miss Anna Brown, Boston. 
Never without “Miss” or “Mrs.” 


Gentleman and Wife: Mr.and Mrs. James Brown, Boston. 
Never James Brown and wife. 


Gentleman and Family: 
Mr. and Mrs. James Brown, Boston. 
Miss Anna Brown, Boston. 
Mr. George T. Brown, Boston. 


If the gentlemen prefer to omit the “Mr.”: 
James Brown, Boston. 
Mrs. Brown, Boston, 
and maid (if there is one). 
Miss Anna Brown, Boston. 
George T. Brown, Boston. 
Baby and nurse (if there are any). 


If the children are all young: 

Mr. and Mrs. James Brown, Boston, and two children 
and nurse. 

The street and number are never entered in a hotel 
register. 

LADIES ALONE IN HOTELS 

A lady who acts with the same decorum and dignity 
in the hotel at which she is staying alone, as is required 
by correct train behavior, is equally safe. Ladies cus- 
tomarily write ahead to hotels making reservation to 
avoid question when they arrive. 

164 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


If a woman prefers to have her meals in the dining 
room, she appears in the restaurant wearing hat and 
gloves. She dines early, and preferably in an incon- 
spicuous place ina restaurant. Ona prolonged stay, how- 
ever, stich procedure is not expected. A woman of any 
age comes and goes as she wishes. Familiarity with the 
hotel clerk or other hotel attendants is, of course, in- 
appropriate. 

ON TIPPING 


Generous tipping is a requisite to convenience in 
traveling. 

The minimum tip at a first class hotel is twenty-five 
cents regardless of how small a check may have been. 
The rule is ten per cent beginning with $4.00. Ifa check 
amounts to $2.00 or more you give thirty or thirty-five 
cents. If you do not care for elaborate meals you should 
not hold a table at a hotel where they are customary, 
unless you are willing to tip as for a full course dinner. 
The earnings of waiters and such are dependent upon 
the tips received, and in the case of a waiter the fact that 
you had a very small meal did not save him much time, 
and on the other hand you did occupy space which might 
have been taken by some other person who would have 
ordered a larger meal and had a bigger bill. 


THE MOTOR TOUR 


Consideration for others plays an even greater part on 
a motor tour than on any other kind of a trip. Personal 
whims, habits or prejudices should not be furthered at 
the annoyance and expense of others in the party, and the 
fact that undue annoyances and inconveniences are bound 


165 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to arise should be taken into consideration before con- 
cluding arrangements for a motor trip. Once on the 
road petty discrepancies should not be permitted to 
interfere with the pleasure of the tour. The course to 
be followed, the stops to be made and the points at which 
baggage may be needed should all be discovered and 
arrangements for proper forwarding of all requirements 
should be prepared far enough in advance to insure a 
minimum of delay and inconvenience. There is usually 
not enough room to permit anyone carrying more than 
a hand bag of moderate size, into which may be placed 
only the absolute necessities for comfort in the event 
that baggage is delayed or does not come through for 
some reason. In addition one may carry an extra coat 
in anticipation of the changes in climate or weather. 

When the costs of a tour are to be equally divided, 
the accounts should be settled at definite regular periods. 
Suggested changes of course or stopping places should 
be subject to the approval of the entire party, as should 
all other decisions such as the speed of travel, the raising 
or lowering of the top, wayside stops, ete. But when the 
entire expense of a tour is borne by a host, changes of 
course and matters of like consideration should be left 
to his disposition. The guest on a motor tour is ex- 
pected to pay all the expenses of forwarding his bag- 
gage and other personal possessions, while the host 
should make adequate accommodations of room or 
table. Extra comforts required, such as baths, toilet 
conveniences, special foods or additional bedroom service 
should be borne by the guest who orders them. Obser- 
vation of these details eliminate misunderstandings and 
unneccessary difficulties. 


166 


a a a 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 
STEAMSHIP TRAVEL 
SEEING FRIENDS OFF 


Friends and relations accompanying those going on an 
ocean trip should not accompany the departing ones 
further than the gangplank. A trip by sea is always 
accompanied by more or less anxiety and nervousness, so 
that people who go aboard ship with their friends and 
linger about the deck only add to the already heightened 
tension of those who are leaving. When both friends 
and relatives gather to wish a traveler farewell the friends 
should say good-by and take their leave before the rela- 
tives do so, permitting those closer related the freedom 
of a more intimate and devoted leave taking. There is 
no objection to friends and relatives going aboard ship 
and staying on deck a while, provided they do not linger 
until the last minute. After a trip around the deck or 
to the departing one’s stateroom, one should at least take 
the traveler to a point within immediate reach of the 
gangplank, and when the call to go ashore is given, depart 
without further delay. Circumstances must govern actions 
on all such occasions. 


GIFTS TO TRAVELERS 


Flowers, fruit, books or bonbons may be taken or sent 
to the steamer. This is a token of friendship or love to 
comfort and cheer or possibly speed the long hours to be 
spent by the departing one on board ship. When such 
token is brought it may have attached a card of the donor 
with a little message written in pencil, and if the gift is 
sent it must necessarily carry such parting message. The 
message are in general somewhat as one of the following: 

167 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


With best wishes for a pleasant voyage. 
Good luck and best wishes. 
Bon voyage. 


NOTES OF THANKS FOR TRAVEL GIFTS 


If possible. one should try to send back by the ship’s 
pilot notes of thanks to those who sent gifts and were 
not able to attend in person. In this way the thanks are 
received practically by return post and it seems a bit 
more courteous and appreciative of the good wishes 
received. Some people, however, prefer to wait until 
they reach their destination to comply with this courtesy, 
and at the same time include a brief account of the 
events of the voyage. These notes are written on the 
ship’s stationery and may be made very interesting. 


GOOD MANNERS IN THE SALON 


In old clipper ship days when a “fast” trip depended 
on good winds and pleasant weather, the matter of 
friendship between passengers needed no discussion. 
People hemmed together in the confines of a small ship, 
spending days upon weary days on the wide expanse of 
the ocean naturally became well acquainted and quite 
familiar. But today when one speeds across the ocean 
in the course of little more than a week, people are more 
chary and do not so readily become acquainted. The 
time element has a decided bearing upon this condition. 

People who travel a great deal become more or less 
known to the steward, who may reserve a table for them, 
and if they know that some of their friends are making 
the trip they request a large table; or if they are going 
alone, they reserve a small table for themselves when 

168 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


they buy their tickets. But ordinarily, unless people 
chance to meet acquaintances on board ship with whom 
they can arrange to sit at table, they sit where the 
steward places them. After the first or second meal 
amiability rather demands that people speak to each other. 
A woman may even venture to address the gentleman on 
her right and a gentleman may start conversation with a 
lady on his left (a lady usually talks to the gentleman 
on her left, while a man talks to the lady on his right, 
which is similar to the law of partners at the formal 
dinner table.) This does not mean that one should 
immediately establish friendships with people who are 
placed next to them, but usually further talk may take 
place on the deck. People who see one another daily on 
board ship involuntarily begin to spend more time to- 
gether, and if the relations are pleasant, permit the 
acquaintanceship to increase and very often develop into 
friendship. If one is not desirous of conversing with 
the table neighbor, it is not necessary to say more than 
a polite “Good-morning.” It is required that one recog- 
nize with at least a slight bow the ship attendants, 
particularly those serving in the dining salon and the 
stewards and stewardesses who give any personal service 
whatsoever. The ship’s officers should be greeted when- 
ever met. An experienced voyager is prompt and unfail- 
ing in politeness but is very slow to intimacy. 

On a short trip of from twenty-four to thirty-six hours 
one need not enter into conversation with strangers, and 
nothing need be said except a courteous “Good-morning,” 
or some other greeting, as “How do you do?” on other 
occasions. No one but the confirmed snob will, how- 
ever, attempt to sit at table three times a day for seven 

169 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


or eight days without speaking one word to someone at 
table, or elsewhere. 


GOOD MANNERS ON DECK 


The fact that your neighbor at table in the salon 
conversed rather freely and pleasantly is no indication 
that he or she is desirous of spending considerable time 
in your company. It is easy to find out what the other 
person’s feeling is by attempting a little conversation—a 
little, though, not an hour’s chat right from the start. If 
the person responds quite freely and does not permit 
you to do all the talking, perhaps you might try a little 
more later on. But if the answers come in monosylables, 
“No,” “Yes,” “Uh—huh,” “Dear me,” etc., it would be 
advisable not to linger too long, and if there is to be 
conversation between you and the other person, you had 
better let the other person start the next conversation. 

There are conditions on a steamer peculiar to that 
particular means of travel. There are so many people 
with just a limited space for movement, rather limited 
pastimes and a general feeling of confinement after two 
or three days out. For these reasons it is particularly 
necessary that the exercise of consideration for others 
be carefully borne in mind. The ship’s library and writ- 
ing room, just like other rooms of that description, should 
be places where peace and quiet always reign. It is not 
only discourteous, but against the rules to talk even in 
whispers for any length of time if others present are en- 
gaged in reading or writing. Children must not be allowed 
to interfere with the talk, games, naps, or any diversion 
or thing belonging to other people, unless they are invited 
to join. Games and talk on deck should at no time be 

170 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


carried on knowingly to the discomfort of any persons; 
those wishing to read aloud to one another or to play 
games which everyone is not willing to take part in 
should find an isolated spot which they can call their 
own. If the position of one’s deck chair is not satis- 
factory and there is no hope of having it changed, it is 
not very considerate to edge one’s way into the space 
reserved for the free thoroughfare of promenaders. Nor 
should the place of another be taken when he momen- 
tarily absents himself. Consideration requires that 
smoking in the staterooms be prohibited, especially when 
the portholes are closed; the smell of cigars or cigarettes 
may prove disagreeable to other passengers to whose 
rooms the fumes will naturally go. When it is absolutely 
necessary to complain of the service, or the lack of 
consideration on the part of another passenger, the 
complaint should be made quietly to the chief steward 
or to the purser. Such procedure is bound to be pro- 
ductive of results and is hence the simplest and most 
effective method. 

The sum and substance of the whole matter of good 
manners on board a steamer resolves itself into the 
oft repeated conclusion that dignity, reserve, and consid- 
eration for others are the basic principles of good 
manners. 


THE SHIP’S CONCERT AND SUNDAY SERVICE 


It is regarded as rather essential that everyone attend 
the ship’s concert if possible. Customarily a collection is 
taken, the proceeds of which are donated to some chari- 
table effort. Everyone is expected to contribute. Those 
who were not able to attend the concert should neverthe- 


171 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


less do their bit. It should not be necessary to add that 
the ship’s concert demands the same show of good 
manners expected at any other concert. 

The Sunday service which is open to all should be 
observed with the same show of reverence and demeanor 
that would be displayed in any church on shore. 


STEAMER TIPS 


An obligation to be met by all steamer travelers is the 
matter of tipping. This is a considerable item, but it is 
just as necessary an expense as any of the other luxuries 
that add to the comfort of the trip. It is just as well to 
include in your initial budget $35.00 to cover tipping. 
This sum may be spent in the following manner: 


Room Steward $2.50 


If meals have been taken in the stateroom, the. room 
steward or stewardess should receive at least $5.00. 


Dining room steward OSes 
Deck Steward $2.50 


If meals have been taken on deck, the deck steward 
should receive at least $5.00 and his assistant $2.50. 


Lounge steward $2.50 
Bath Steward $1.25 


Some ship’s doctors send in a bill for services and 
others do not. In the latter case it is not actually required 
to give them anything, but most people leave an envelope 
containing the average physician’s fee at the purser’s 
office. 

172 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


It is advisable, if particular about the hour at which 
you take your bath to arrange early with the bath stew- 
ard. As in most cases, “the early bird catches the worm ;” 
the late comers must be satisfied with the hours that no- 
body else wants. The daily salt bath is a pleasant feature 
of the trip; the water is always so clear and invigorating 
and the heated towels provide a comfortable and invigor- 
ating rub-down. Any other favors desired should pre- 
ferably and advisably be arranged early with the steward. 

On smaller steamers making coastwise trips which are 
naturally of shorter duration, and upon which the amount 
of service given by stewards is not so great, tipping is 
proportionately smaller. 


GOOD MANNERS ABROAD 


A gentleman is a gentleman the world over. The prime 
requisites to gentleness are kindness, courtesy, and con- 
sideration for others. Let it be understood at the outset 
that it is unkind to insist on talking with other people 
who do not care to talk; it is unkind and discourteous 
to stampede foreign countries with an air of bravado and 
a boisterous manner of worldly wisdom. It is unkind, 
discourteous, and inconsiderate to not only the peoples 
of foreign countries, but to other Americans in foreign 
countries and to America itself to strut through the ave- 
nues and boulevards of Europe’s finest cities, to literally 
“take by storm” Europe’s cafés and dining rooms, raising ' 
a tremendous babble of chatter and disturbance. The 
utter disregard on the part of many American tourists to 
do as the Romans do in Rome is creative of a feeling 


throughout the continent that the average American is an 
G. Man.—G 173 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ill-mannered, boisterous, presumptuous, self-assertive, 
and uncultured boor. Natives of most European coun- 
tries are very polite, Latins and Asiatics exceedingly so. 
These people are amazed when some of our compatriots 
show an utter disregard for all the laws of courtesy and 
politeness. What is considered “overcharging” is de- 
fended by European hostelries and dealers as a sort of 
“toleration charge”! We all know and expect that high- 
class American restaurants and cafés exclude certain 
classes of people, and that if by chance any such are 
admitted they are charged such rates as to cause them to 
stay away. This is precisely the attitude taken by Euro- 
pean hostelers in reference to the “undesirable” Ameri- 
cans! The unvarnished truth is that this action is justified! 

Can you conceive of a real American scribbling and 
scrawling on some of Europe’s fine structures and then 
hauling out the American flag and waving it in a grand 
ensemble! What would the red-blooded American think 
of the European who came to America and attempted 
anything like this? 

It is necessary for Americans going to Europe to know 
that persons entering even the smallest and most incon- 
spicuous shop say, “Good morning” or “Good evening, 
madam,” and “Until we meet again,” upon leaving. It is 
not absolutely necessary to speak the language of the 
country which you visit, to comply with this custom. 
“How do you do?’ and “Good-by” are understood by 
most shop keepers and such. But one planning a Euro- 
pean visit might well consider the advice of Macaulay: 
“He that traveleth into a country before he hath some 
entrance into the language, goeth to school and not to 
travel.” 


174 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Americans like to “face the facts.” The statements 
above are facts to be faced, not hallucinations or weird 
imaginings. Those who travel in foreign countries owe 
America, Americans, and themselves better treatment 
than has been accorded them in the past. America is con- 
sidered a great country throughout the world; let every 
traveler do his share towards having its people become 
known as cultured and well mannered. 


GOOD MANNERS IN EUROPEAN SOCIETY 


Those fortunate enough to have friends, relatives, or 
acquaintances of position in Europe may see something 
of European society. The well bred American need have 
no qualms about entering the European drawing room or 
dining room. Good manners are the same there as they 
are here. One enters the room, bows, says, “How do you 
do?” At table, conversation is impersonal. Upon leav- 
ing, one says “Good-by” and thanks the hostess. 

Correct phrases of address to persons of rank or no- 
bility will be found elsewhere under the heading: “How 
to Address Important Personages.” 


MANNERS ON A CONTINENTAL TRAIN 


Since Europeans prefer to ride backward to avoid 
facing the smoke, and Americans prefer to ride the other 
way, here is one respect at least in which all Americans 
seem to the Europeans very polite and obliging. Other 
manners are all practically the same as those governing 
actions on the American train, except that it is not con- 
sidered better than middle class to converse with fellow 
passengers. There are no smoking cars on European 
trains so that every compartment is a smoking carriage, 


175 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


unless marked “Ladies only” or “No smoking’; but if 
compartments are not so marked and there are ladies 
present one must gain their consent before attempting to 
smoke. In southern Europe the gentleman bows politely 
as he or strangers who shared the carriage with him rise 
to alight at a station. 


176 


CHAPTER XII 


CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS 


PaGHuNTLEMAN: TO: A LADY. 


The correct formal introduction is: Mrs. Brown, may I 
present Mr. Black? 


A LADY TO A GENTLEMAN 


A lady is never presented to a man, except to the presi- 
dent of a republic, a cardinal, or a reigning sovereign. 
The correct introduction in each case is as follows: 


TO A PRESIDENT 


Mr. President, I have the honor to present Mrs. Brown 
of Boston. 
TO A CARDINAL 


Your Eminence, may I present Mrs. Brown? 


TO A SOVEREIGN 


Before presentation a great deal of formality is gons 
through until an accepted list is finally made up. At the 
actual presentation the name is announced simply: “Mrs. 
Brown.” Nothing else is said. 


Seti Weh ik SON PO ATLA DY. 


In the case of a man of title, the man is introduced to 
the woman. A hostess says, “Mrs. Brown, may I present 


177 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Lord Blank?” or “The Duke of Cornwall?” “His grace” 
or “His Lordship” is never used, nor is “Honorable” 
ever used, the title being merely Mr. So.-and-So. A gov- 
ernor, a judge, a doctor, or bishop is addressed and intro- 
duced by his respective title. A senator is always intro- 
duced as “Senator,” whether he is still in office or not, 
while an ex-president of a republic is “Mr.,” not “Ex- 
President.” A Catholic priest is “Father McCann.” The 
clergy are usually “Mr.” except when they hold formal 
titles such as Doctor, Dean, or Canon. 


A) LADY /TO ASL ADS 


The younger lady is always introduced to the older. 
The unmarried lady is introduced to the married one, un- 
less the married one is very much younger. The more 
important name is pronounced with slightly rising inflec- 
tion, the secondary as a mere statement. The older lady 
does not rise. She just extends her hand and says, “How 
do you do?’ When ladies of the same approximate age 
are introduced and one is seated she rises and extends her 
hand and says, “How do you do?” To ladies sitting a 
little farther away the name of the lady introduced 
is not repeated, the names of the ladies seated merely 
being mentioned. They only bow, but do not rise. 


A MAN TO A MAN 


When men are introduced to one another, the younger 
or less illustrious is presented to the older or more dis- 
tinguished: “Mr, Prominent, may I present Mr. Youth- 
ful?” 

178 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


A man is presented to a president, a cardinal, or a 
reigning sovereign just as is a woman. A man being in- 
troduced to a title holder or a member of the clergy, even 
though the man himself is distinguished, is presented 
to the title holder, if his own position is inferior to that 
of the titled gentleman. Unless he were a sovereign or 
a cardinal he would be presented to the member of the 
clergy. A young man would present his college chum 
to the president of his firm. The younger person is 
always presented to the older or more distinguished. 


A GIRL TO A DISTINGUISHED MAN 


A lady is never presented to a man. A mother might, 
however, introduce her young daughter to a very distin- 
guished gentleman: “Mr. Hughes—my daughter Ade- 
laide.” 

When introducing her daughter to a young man, she 
would say, “Mr. Young, have you met my daughter?” 
The daughter’s name is omitted (when the introduction 
is to a young man) because the gentleman would address 
her as Miss , whatever the last name might be, and 
if he cared to know the Christian name he would prob- 
ably learn that later. A married daughter would be in- 
troduced, “My daughter, Mrs. Brown.” 





THE PREVAILING FORM OF INTRODUCTION 


There is a briefer form of introduction which is com- 
monly and popularly used. It is simply: 

Mrs. Prominent—Mrs. Unknown. 

It is clearly made known which person is introduced 


179 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


by the inflection and the accentuation. The less impor- 
tant personage is presented to the more important. The 
more important person’s name is spoken first with slightly 
rising inflection, the other name as a mere statement of 
fact with a slightly falling inflection, as, for example, in 
saying, “Has it come?” and then, “It is not.” By merely 
substituting the names for these words, one has the 
proper inflection. 

Gentlemen may be introduced to ladies, and gentlemen 
to gentlemen, in this same way. 


OTHER FORMS 


Below are listed other forms of introduction, all of 
which are good, and applicable when introducing ladies to 
one another, gentlemen to one another, or gentlemen to 
ladies. One must be cautious in introducing a gentleman 
to a lady not to ask Mrs. Brown if she has met Mr. Black. 

Mrs. Prominent, do you know Mrs. Unknown? 

Mrs. Prominent, do you know Mr. Unknown? 

Mr. Prominent, do you know Mr. Unknown? 

Mrs, Prominent, you know Mrs. Unknown, don’t you? 

(“Don’t you” is correct. “Do you not?” is not used.) 

Mrs. Prominent, you know Mr. Unknown, don’t you? 

Mr. Prominent, you know Mr. Unknown, don’t you? 

Mrs. Prominent, have you met Mrs. Unknown? 

Mr. Prominent, have you met Mr. Unknown? 

Mrs. Prominent, have you met my daughter Anna? 

Mrs. Prominent, do you know my mother ?—father P— 
brother? : 

Mr. Prominent, do you know my father ?—brother? 
but— 

180 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Mother, do you know Mr. Prominent? 
This is my daughter, Anna, Mrs. Prominent. 
Anna, this is Mr. Prominent. 


WHAT TO SAY WHEN INTRODUCED 


There is only one recognized phrase used in acknowl- 
edgment of an introduction. That is, “How do you do?” 
When Mr. Unknown is presented to Mrs. Prominent, she 
says simply, “How do you do?” without any inflection. 
Mr. Unknown only bows. Rising inflections and men- 
tion of the name of the gentleman introduced with par- 
ticular stress on the last syllable of the name is poor form. 
Such affected mannerisms are not practiced in good 
society. The Ittle finger stuck high in the air when 
holding a drinking cup and the handshake “overhead” 
are affectations that did not originate in good society. 
Neither are “Charmed” or “Pleased to meet you” good 
form. 

When persons have known of each other, although they 
have never met, it is not difficult to lead directly from 
the introduction into a conversation, for example: Mrs. 
Unknown, Jr., is introduced to Mrs. Prominent, who 
smiles and says, “I understand that you are interested in 
welfare work?” Mrs. Unknown, Jr., answers, “Yes, I 
expect to learn a good deal about methods during my 
stay in New York.” 


WHEN TO SHAKE HANDS 


A lady may offer her hand when a gentleman is pre- 
sented to her if she wishes, according to the degree of 
181 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


cordiality she wishes to imply. If the gentleman is one 
of whom she has heard considerable, she would probably 
offer her hand. Ordinarily she merely bows slightly and 
says, “How do you do?” It is always the gentleman’s 
place to wait until the lady extends her hand. If she 
does not do this, the gentleman merely bows. But no lady 
would be sc rude as to ignore the proffered hand of a 
man so long as the man’s character is to all knowledge 
acceptable, regardless of his station in life. 

Gentlemen introduced to one another always shake 
hands. 

There are no fixed rules for handshaking to cover the 
parting of people just introduced. Gentlemen would very 
likely shake hands, a lady might do so on one occasion and 
on another occasion might not. People merely drawn into 
conversation by chance do not usually shake hands on 
parting. But even on such occasion, after talking with 
a total stranger whose conversation was interesting and 
animated, a lady might offer her hand. _ 

The acceptance or rejection of people as acquaintances 
or friends is a matter of personal selection. But rejec- 
tion does not require rudeness, and acceptance does not 
call for familiarity, nor does dignity and reserve mean 
aloofness. Some people are responsive and shake hands 
readily, others do not. 


INTRODUCING ONE PERSON TO A GROUP 


At a private luncheon, dinner, or house party, it is not 
really necessary to introduce people to one another, as the 
fact that all people gathered at the house of a hostess are 
in that very act introduced, as it were, and free to talk. 

182 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


At a friend’s dinner table neighbors always talk even 
without introduction. It would be impolite not to do so. 
The fact that two people spoke together in the drawing 
room, however, does not mean that they need recognize 
each other afterward. At very small gatherings it adds 
to the comfort and friendliness to introduce all the 
guests. 

At a very big luncheon it is advisable to introduce a 
stranger to one or two people so that she may have some 
one totalk to. It is, of course, not necessary for the hos- 
tess to spend a great deal of time with the stranger. As 
a matter of fact, so soon as the lady has made the ac- 
quaintance of one or two others the hostess is free to 
take care of new arrivals or other matters. 

The correct procedure for introducing one person to 
a group at the little informal function is described fully 
in Chapter III. 


WHEN TO INTRODUCE 


There exists a wide range of opinion as to whether 
or not to introduce the stranger to all the guests. An 
alleged fundamental rule of introduction says that they 
should not be made unnecessarily. In the opinion of 
some, when people are to spend any length of time to- 
gether in the same room they should be placed at ease 
by being introduced to all the people present. This is not 
meant to include a gathering at which a great many 
people are present, such as a ball or a reception, for on an 
occasion of this kind people are not introduced except to 
the patronesses, who in turn are supposed to see that 
strangers are introduced to a few people for the sake of 

183 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


association. It always seems doubtful that the hostess 
who permits a stranger to walk around unknown is quite 
successful, at least in the mind of any such unknown 
person. Of course, every hostess introduces the stranger 
to at least one or two of the other guests ; but this is some- 
times a rather haphazard method, for the guests whom 
' the stranger has met may not have the opportunity 
throughout the entire evening to introduce the stranger to 
some of the other guests. 


MEETING THE GUEST OF HONOR 


Everyone present at a dinner given in honor of some- 
body should be introduced to that somebody. This is 
an obligation of the hostess. 


INTRODUCTIONS AT A DINNER 


Another decided obligation of the hostess is to be cer- 
‘tain that every gentleman who is not acquainted with the 
lady he is to take to dinner is presented to that lady. If 
possible, he should also be introduced to the lady who is 
to sit at his left. If, however, the latter introduction is 
not made, the oversight is not so grave because people 
sitting next to each other at table most always introduce 
themselves. A gentleman who is anxious to know who 
the lady at his left is can easily discover this by glancing 
at her place card. He may then say, “How do you do, 
Mrs. Gray? Iam Jack Henderson.” He may also show 
her his place card and say, “I have to introduce myself ; 
this is my name.’ Or the lady may take the initiative 
and say, “I am Mrs. John Brown”; to which the gentle- 

184 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


man responds, “How do you do, Mrs. Brown? My 
name is John Jones.” Very often in New York and 
other big cities neighbors at table dispense with the in- 
troductions entirely, talking together as if they had been 
formally introduced. The place card is the means of 
accomplishing this. 


OTHER REQUIRED INTRODUCTIONS 


People always introduce: 

All the guests at a small dinner or luncheon. 
All the guests at a house party. 

A group of people who sit together anywhere. 
Partners at dinner. 

Partners at games. 

People who are to play cards at the same table. 

A stranger who is invited to a dance at the request of 
another guest must be personally introduced to the hostess 
by the friend requesting the invitation. The form is: 
“Mrs. Prominent, this is Mr. Unknown, whom you said 
I might bring.” The hostess offers her hand and says, 
with a smile, “I am very glad to see you, Mr. Unknown.” 

The visitor to a lady in a box at the opera must be 
introduced. The lady visited always introduces the 
gentleman who comes to speak with her to her hostess. 
If the other guests of the box are present, they should also 
be introduced. If the name of the person being introduced 
has been heard by the others, it may not be necessary to 
repeat the name; just mentioning the names of each of 
the other guests in turn would be sufficient. If the 
one introducing is of the opinion that the visitor’s name 
has not been heard, she may mention it to the second 

185 | 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


person introduced, but further repetition should be un- 
necessary. The ladies of the box need not shake hands 
and do not rise, but the gentlemen do rise and shake 
hands. , 


WHEN INTRODUCTIONS ARE UNNECESSARY 


No one is ever led around a room for wholesale intro- 
ductions. 

A seemingly very interesting conversation between two 
persons should not be interrupted to introduce a third. 
A person just arriving is not usually introduced to an- 
other who is just leaving. 

It is not necessary to introduce men in the smoking 
room after dinner, nor at the table after the ladies have 
gone to the drawing room. Each gentleman talks with his 
neighbor or with whomever he sees fit, without introduc- 
tion. The ladies in the drawing room do the same. The 
acquaintanceships that spring up in this way need not be 
carried further unless very agreeable relations have been 
struck and an effort is made to continue the acquaint- 
ance. 

It is not advisable to introduce people to each other 
in public places, unless certain that such act will be 
favorable to both. Most people are naturally chary of 
introductions in public places, in particular on trains, 
steamers, hotels, and if you present some one who may 
not be acceptable to them they still feel that it is neces- 
sary to recognize the person. This places them at consid- 
erable inconvenience. 

It is sometimes permissible to include a third person in 
conversation without going through the formality of an 

186 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


introduction. If you are speaking with a person, and a 
friend approaches to see you, you can immediately in- 
clude that friend in the conversation by saying, “Mr. So- 
and-So was just saying so and so.” That gives the 
friend an opportunity of joining the conversation. It 
also bridges the difficult situation spoken of in the para- 
graph above. 

If two people walking on the street are met by a third 
who is known to one of the two, the one who is not 
acquainted may saunter slowly away while the other two 
converse. ‘This places all three at ease and makes unnec- 
essary an introduction for just a few moments’ associa- 
tion. If the third person is invited to join the other two, 
he is introduced to the person who walked ahead; but it 
is necessary to be invited. 

Neighbors who see each other frequently say, “How 
do you dor’ Yet they may never become further ac- 
quaintances. 


SELF-MADE INTRODUCTIONS 


In good society one rarely asks to be introduced. But 
if one has heard a good deal of a person and yet has not 
been formally introduced, one may execute an introduc- 
tion unassisted. One may say, for example, “Mr. Jordan, 
weren’t you in my brother’s company in the army? I am 
George Morton’s brother.” Mr. Jordan says, “Why, yes, 
to be sure! I am so glad you spoke to me. George and 
I were great pals.” 

Or perhaps a woman just says, “Aren’t you Mrs. 
Prominent ?” 

To which Mrs. Prominent quite naturally answers, 


187 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


“Yes,” with a sort of “and who are you, please?” air. 

The first woman then continues, “I think my mother, 
Mrs. Johnson, is a friend of yours.” 

Mrs. Prominent warms, “Oh, yes, indeed; I have 
known your mother for a good many years! And you 
must be—?” 

“T am Adelaide.” 

“Oh, of course, your mother has often talked of you,” 
Cte. etc, 

Self-introductions must never be made unless there 
is absolute assurance that the other two people—that is, 
the one present and the absent one, who is the friend of 
the one present—are well enough acquainted to warrant 
taking such a step. 

If a person addresses you and you don’t seem to re- 
member him, the polite thing to do is to pretend that 
you do. The conversation will shortly disclose whether 
you were mistaken or not. If it develops that the person 
is entirely unknown and you have reason to believe that 
he is merely pretending, it is quite simple to avoid fur- 
ther conversation. On the other hand, if you find that 
the person is known to you, you will be glad that you did 
not disclose your doubts. 


INCORRECT FORMS OF INTRODUCTION 


In making introductions do not say. “I want to make 
you acquainted with.” You may only introduce people, 
they make themselves acquainted. 

Do not say, “Mr. A., shake hands with Mr. B.;” 
merely asking people to shake hands is not actually 
introducing them. 


188 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Don’t call one person “Your friend ;” this may seem an 
-insinuation that one is and the other isn’t your friend. 
You may say, “My aunt” or “My sister,” etc. 

Do not make introductions back and forth, that is, by 
saying, “Mrs. Brown? Mrs. Black! Mrs. Black? Mrs. 
Brown!” Such repetition seems awkward and unneces- 
sary. | 

Don’t say, “Mr. Brown, meet Mr. Black.” This term 
may only be used in saying, for example, “Mr. Brown, 
I want you to meet Mr. Black,” before Mr. Brown has 
been taken to Mr. Black. 

If you have just been introduced and did not hear the 
other person’s name, or if you wish to introduce your- 
self to another person, don’t say, “What is your name?” 
People usually don’t like to be asked their names, and, 
besides, this question seems rather abrupt and impolite. 
It is better to wait and learn the person’s name later on. 


ASKING PERMISSION TO INTRODUCE A 
FRIEND 


At private dances the young gentleman does not con- 
sider it necessary to ask the young lady whether he may 
introduce his friend. All the guests at a private dance 
are considered acceptable. At a public ball the young 
man should be very careful whom he introduces to his 
lady acquaintances. The right to reject or accept an 
introduction is reserved by the lady. When a young 
man asks whether he may introduce another, the lady 
may say, “Yes,”’—or “I’d rather not.” This privilege 
is reserved by the lady, and its application should cause 
no offense. 

189 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


INTRODUCTION BY LETTER 


The method of asking, giving or sending letters of 
introduction is discussed in the chapter on Notes and 
Shorter Letters, and their acceptance and presentation 
are discussed in Chapter III of Part I. 


BUSINESS INTRODUCTIONS 


In business, gentlemen being introduced say to one 
another “Very glad to meet you.” The gentleman who 
is in his own office says, “Very glad to see you,” which 
is indicative of a welcome. 


TAKING LEAVE AFTER AN INTRODUCTION 


When people who have just been introduced and have 
had an agreeable conversation take leave, the one making 
the movement to go says, “Good-by, I hope I shall see 
you again very soon.” The other person may answer, 
“Thank you,’ and add, “I hope so too,” if he or she 
really hopes so. It is necessary to say “Good-by” to 
only those who happen to see you going. You should 
make no effort to attract the attention of all the persons 
_of a group. 


190 


CHAPTER XIII 
GREETIN GS AND SALUTATIONS 


INFORMAL GREETINGS 


In the chapter on introductions the formal greetings 
are practically all listed in giving the proper forms of 
introduction. Formal greetings are limited; neither are 
informal greetings very numerous. There are, however, 
a few which are considered polite and acceptable, for, 
besides saying, “How do you do?” you may say, ‘Good 
morning,” “Good evening,” or “How are you?” 

The most popular form to-day among intimate friends 
is, “Hello!” This salute should not be shouted, nor pro- 
nounced, “Hullo!” or “Hello!” It is best to mention the 
name of the person greeted, for this is permissible among 
intimate friends, and it sounds much better to say, 
“Hello, John,” than just merely “Hello!” 

At church services people do not greet each other. It 
is improper to speak at all in a church, with the excep- 
tion of a “Thank you” for the person who makes room 
in a pew. People simply nod slightly and smile a bit in 
greeting. 

FORMS OF FAREWELL 


“Good-by” and “Good-night” are the only two accept- 
able forms to be used in leaving. “Au revoir” is Frenck 
and should be used only in France, or when speaking to 
French people, or if by chance you are leaving a French 

1Ql 


THE. BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


society in which it is customary to converse in French. 
Ordinarily it is not considered good form to use foreign 
expressions unless there are no English expressions to fit 
the case. 


SHAKING HANDS 


Gentlemen introduced to gentlemen and ladies to ladies 
shake hands, but ladies do not shake hands unless they 
are standing close together, and they do not shake hands 
with gentlemen on being introduced unless they feel so 
inclined. People who know each other shake hands 
when they meet at other people’s homes or public places, 
but not in merely passing. When a gentleman shakes 
hands with a lady on the street, it should be with the 
bared hand. Of course, it is not convenient to stand 
tugging at a glove while a lady is holding out her hand, 
so that a lady should not offer the hand to a man whose 
right hand is gloved. At a ball or at the opera the gloves 
are not removed, and an usher at a wedding also keeps 
his gloves on. 


CHARACTER DISPLAYED BY THE HANDSHAKE 


It is productive of a feeling of insincerity in another 
person to have them offer a hand that is limp and life- 
less. Whether or not you care about the person you are 
meeting, there is no harm in giving him a decent hand- 
shake; perhaps if he is a rascal the handshake of a real 
man will give him a little inspiration. The hand of a 
lady should not be harshly grasped, for two reasons: one 
is that a lady’s hand is soft; the other, that the fingers 
are usually ringed. A warm handshake with moderate 
pressure is sufficient. 

192 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The idea of “hands in the clouds” is not a conception 
of best society. Wherever the idea originated, it is not 
used among well bred people—exaggerations and af- 
fected mannerisms are not practiced in good circles. 
The hands are merely extended, grasped, shaken once or 
twice and released. One should always look into the 
eyes of the other person. 

A woman allows a man who is only an acquaintance to 
shake her hand (she never shakes his) ; but to a very old 
friend she gives a firmer grasp, shaking his hand a little, 
but not as much as he shakes hers. Younger women 
usually shake the hands of older women. Extending the 
hand to a foreigner, the married woman usually holds 
her hand somewhat relaxed, as many foreigners follow 
the custom of raising a married woman’s hand to the lips. 

It should not be, but it unfortunately is necessary to 
add that when a young person meets an older lady at 
whose house he or she has often been entertained, the 
young person must go to the older lady and extend 
greetings. The young lady would shake hands. The 
young man would simply bow in acknowledgment of the 
spontaneous “How do you do?” of the older lady. 
Neither young person would have to talk further unless 
the older lady started. The conversation would not last 
more than a minute or so. 

It is, of course, not expected that a young man would 
walk away from a partner to go over and greet another 
person. He need simply bow in greeting. It is on no 
occasion necessary to deliberately walk across a room to 
greet an older person. The younger one may bow, and 
when the older person is met at closer range some time 
later, the greeting may be more formal. 


193 


tik BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE FORMAL BOW 


The graceful and unconscious bow is most properly 
acquired by practice in youth. The boy who often bowed 
to company and perfected his grace at dancing school 
executes a good bow without the slightest effort. He 
bends at the hips and at the neck, the remainder of the 
body remaining comparatively rigid. The major portion 
of the bend is, of course, in the hips, while the bend at 
the neck is just slight. Heels are always together, knees 
are rigid, and the expression is dignified, the glance mean- 

while being directed to the person to whom he is bowing. 


THE BOW INFORMAL 


Modify the formal bow and you have the informal 
bow. The modification is made particularly in loosening 
the portion of the body between the hips and the neck, 
which in the formal bow is held rigid. This does not 
mean that one sags together like a salt bag, for the proper 
informal bow, though easy, should suggest muscle control. 
The correct bow when wearing a stiff hat is made by lift- 
ing the hat a trifle and bringing it forward a few inches, 
at the same time raising the back somewhat and bringing 
the front down. This action should never be done with 
a flourish. Neither is it correct to pull the hat in front 
of the face. A very old lady or gentleman may be 
greeted with a somewhat greater show of display by 
bringing the hat down with a circular motion to the level 
of the hips with the bottom of the hat up. This action is 
usually accompanied by a somewhat sweeping bow. 


194 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


A felt hat is taken by the crown, lifted off the head, 
brought slightly forward and put on again. The informal 
bow is accompanied with a smile. 


THE BOW OF A WOMAN 


The woman’s bow is just a slight inclination of the 
head, accompanied with a smile. The smile of a woman 
adds to her charm. 


A GENTLEMAN REMOVES HIS HAT 


In the elevators of clubs, hotels, and apartment houses 
a gentleman removes his hat when a lady enters. He 
puts it on again in the corridor. The elevator is con- 
sidered in the same class as the room of a house, while 
the corridor is a public place. It is not considered nec- 
essary for a gentleman to take off his hat upon entrance 
of ladies into an elevator in an office building, store, or 
other public elevators. 

Under existing laws of etiquette, it is still required that 
a gentleman who stops to speak to a lady in the street 
take off his hat with his left hand so that his right hand 
may be free to shake hands if the lady signifies her in- 
tention to do so. The hat may also be removed with the 
right hand and transferred to the left, and if the gentle- 
man is carrying a stick, he should also transfer it to the 
left hand. While they remain standing the gentleman is 
supposed to remain hatless, but if they walk on, the gen- 
tleman replaces his hat. This law is still in existence, 
but it does not seem to be very much in favor. Many 
people think that a gentleman has fulfilled his obliga- 


195 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


tions of courtesy when he has made a bow and properly 
lifted his hat. These people are ready to acknowledge 
that the gentleman should by all means remove his hat and 
keep it off if he meets a lady in the corridor of a public 
place; but they think the assertion that the man is rude 
who replaces his hat after greeting a lady in the street 
is a bit harsh. 

Need it be said that courtesies of gentleman to lady are 
not limited to the lady acquaintances of a man, but also 
include the ladies of his family and near relatives? 

Need it be said that every man must remove his hat at 
the passing of the colors or the playing or singing of the 
national anthem? : 

It may be added that courtesy to the dead requires that 
a man remove his hat at the passing of a funeral proces- 
sion and at the grave. 


A GENTLEMAN LIFTS His Hage 


A gentleman lifts his hat when greeted on the street by 
a lady, or when greeted by a gentleman with a lady or 
when he is walking with a lady and she is greeted by 
another lady or gentleman. 

He lifts his hat when speaking to or spoken to by a 
lady or by an older gentleman. He also removes ciga- 
rette, cigar, or pipe from his mouth when he lifts his hat. 

When a gentleman performs an act of courtesy toward 
a lady, such as picking up something she has dropped, 
offering her his seat, or the like, he lifts his hat when she 
says, “Thank you.” That done, he should not directly 
look at the lady, but should permit his gaze to be directed 
elsewhere. If a lady drops something on the street and 

196 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a gentleman picks it up and goes after her, he walks 
until he gets just in front of her, offers her the article, 
saying, “I think you dropped this.” When the lady says, 
“Thank you,” he lifts his hat and turns away. 

If a gentleman passes a lady in a narrow space so 
that he momentarily cuts off her view, or is forced to pass 
right before her very face, he lifts his hat. If he is acci- 
dentally pushed or thrown against her, he must lift his hat 
and say, “Excuse me.” 

In offering a lady his seat in a car the gentleman lifts 
his hat and says, “Please take my seat.” When the lady 
says, “Thank you,” he lifts his hat again. 

In passing through a crowded space a gentleman says, 
“May I get through, please?’ If it is a lady who makes 
room to permit him to pass, he says, “Thank you,” and 
lifts his hat, otherwise just “Thank you.” If there is an- 
other man in the company of the lady, he lifts his hat in 
response to the act of the first man. 

A gentleman lifts his hat when the lady whom he is 
accompanying is offered a seat by another man, or if an- 
other man picks up something she has dropped, or per- 
forms some other courtesy. 


197 





PART II 
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE 





CHAPTER I 


COURTSHIP 


When a young man begins to feel that a certain young 
lady is the only girl in the world, he is naturally anxious 
to let the girl know in some way, and at the same time 
wishes to learn her sentiments. He may begin to furnish 
more frequent entertainment and pleasure, or make fre- 
quent gifts of little things within the range of accept- 
ability—preferably flowers. Gifts of books and fruit or 
charming little trinkets are also acceptable. The young 
man will be able to notice with what degree of pleasure 
his gifts are accepted. They may then become more fre- 
quent. Flowers once or twice a week will serve well to 
bring the girl’s attention to the fact that the young man’s 
thoughts are serious. Flowers should preferably be sent 
from the florist’s with the young man’s card enclosed. 
There is no inscription on the card unless on the occasion 
of a holiday such as Christmas, New Year’s or Easter, or 
in honor of an anniversary, birthday or a holiday. No 
particular flower is used to express a particular sentiment. 
Roses or violets are the usual winter choice, and by way 
of variation a growing plant or basket of mixed blossoms, 
or something of like nature, may be sent. 

During courtship days a young man should not offer 
gifts of jewelry or anything that may in any way obligate 
the girl of his heart. This obviates the necessity on her 
part of returning gifts if an engagement does not ma- 
terialize. Trifles, under the head of which come books, 

201 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


magazines, pictures, camera, golf club or things of similar 
nature, are always acceptable, but the young man should 
never in the pre-engagement days offer more valuable 
gifts of jewelry or other expensive things. 


THE ACCEPTANCE OF GIFTS 


All the trifling offerings of the ardent young man may 
be gracefully accepted by the young lady. Should she be 
desirous of checking the advances of a too ardent aspir- 
ant, she would do so not by rejection or ungraceful 
acceptance of his generous offerings, but rather by a 
limited acceptance of invitations to go out. But his gifts 
she must appreciatively accept, for to do otherwise would 
be to insinuate that she feels that he is making advances. 

Whether gifts come from a welcome or an unwelcome 
admirer they must immediately be acknowledged by a 
note expressing pleasure and thanks for the kind 
courtesy. Under no circumstances should any young 
man be made to feel that the lady is lax in her notes of 
thanks; laxity might serve to discourage the unwelcome 
suitor, but it would also display lack of character and 
gentility in the girl. 

When gifts of a forbidden nature are offered, they 
must be promptly returned whether they issue from a 
welcome or an unwelcome source. The best course is 
to write a brief impartial note displaying no indignation 
or censure. She may just say she would much prefer a 
bunch of violets to so costly a gift. If the girl is still 
under the care of parents, she may say that her parents 
object to her acceptance of such gifts. The right 
thinking young man will not be offended at such action, 

202 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


but will rather think more highly of the girl for so doing. 
By no means should he do otherwise than accept grace- 
fully the decision of so charming a lady. 

Differences of opinion exist between the best of 
friends, and occasionally wagers are made between a 
young man and a young lady. If the young man loses 
and offers to pay for his loss in a manner too extrava- 
gant, the same procedure as above described should be 
followed. That is, the lady should kindly refuse to accept 
an expensive payment, but should suggest that she would 
prefer a box of chocolates, flowers or some other trifle. 


CHAPERONAGE 


Long walks, drives into the country, sails upon the 
water, luncheon engagements at restaurants and other 
invitations of the ardent admirer should not be accepted 
unless the invitation includes a chaperon. This should 
be done out of respect for herself, in compliment to the 
young man, and as a sure sign that she is taking nothing 
for granted in so far as his intentions are concerned. 


ENGAGEMENT 


ASKING FATHER 


When a man and girl have decided to become en- 
gaged, the man’s first duty is to go to the girl’s father 
or guardian and ask approval. A negative reply would 
mean that the engagement cannot be. Here the young 
man may employ the old adage and “try, try again.” He 
may seek to win approval by some special effort of work, 
or furnish proof of his worth and seriousness. A second 

203 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


refusal would mean that the couple must give up the 
idea of becoming engaged unless the girl is steadfast in 
her determination. If her decision is to marry, she 
should announce it clearly to her parents. If this seems 
impossible, she should at least not agree to say that she 
will not marry the young man. Should she agree not to 
marry and then do so anyway, she would be practicing 
deception. 


WHEN FATHER APPROVES 


The girl’s father usually knows that the couple have 
been associating for a considerable time and if he has: 
permitted this it is a fairly good sign that he considers 
the young man more or less acceptable. Consequently 
when the young man announces his wish to talk with 
the father, the father usually knows what it’s all about. 
He may ask whether his daughter has accepted the young 
man. This is just a formality. The young man should 
give information, or the father may ask, about the youth’s 
financial status and prospects. If these are not suitable 
to warrant an early marriage, the father usually asks 
the man to wait a while longer until he may have 
reached a position where the venture will be safer. If 
conditions are satisfactory the announcement may be 
made at once. 


HIS PARENTS CALL 


Within twenty-four hours of the acceptance of the 
young man by the father both his parents should call on 
hers. The only acceptable excuse for the non-appear- 
ance of either parent of the young man is sickness or 
absence from the city. The aunt or uncle or nearest 

204 





THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


relative acts in the same capacity if both parents are dead. 
In the event that the young man’s parents are in deep 
mourning the visit must still be made, even ii the stay is 
only brief. If either family is in deep distress or mis- 
fortune, perhaps a postponement of the visit can be 
arranged. 

THE ENGAGEMENT RING 


A solitaire diamond is the conventional token that de- 
clares to the world the intention of a couple to live 
forever after for each other. Some girls may prefer 
another stone ; the choice should be leit to the girl. There 
is no objection, of course, if the young man gees out and 
buys the biggest diamond he can afford. The girl will 
no doubt be pleased. 

Sometimes a girl prefers to give a man an engagement 
present, but this is not customary nor compulsory. Giits 
to the man may be articles such as tie pin, cuff links, 
‘waistcoat buttons, or some similar article of jewelry; 
very rarely does a girl give a man a ring. 

The engagement ring is to be worn for the first time— 
that is, exclusive of the times on which the girl slipped it 
on her finger to admire its splendor and beauty—on the 
day of the announcement. 


BEFORE THE ANNOUNCEMENT 


Both young people write letters to their relatives a num- 
ber of days before the formal announcement. These let- 
ters are for the purpose of giving the members of both 
families the news before it is announced, and to give the 
relatives of the groom-elect an opportunity to call on the 


bride-to-be. In these letters the relatives are also re- 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


quested to maintain secrecy until the public announce- 
ment. The girl does not call upon the man’s relatives 
until they have paid their visits of welcome, leaving their 
cards upon her. But when this has been done she must 
return all visits promptly. 

His people may give a luncheon or dinner before the 
engagement is announced, or a tea or dance in her honor 
after the announcement. If, on the other hand, his peo- 
ple are not in the habit of entertaining, their call upon her 
may be considered sufficient. 

The parents of the bride-to-be always make the an- 
nouncement. It is considered very improper for any 
member of either family who has been advised of the 
contemplated announcement to disclose the information 
before it is publicly announced by the young lady’s parents. 

A recent death in either immediate family requires 
postponement of the public announcement until the close 
of the first period of mourning. 

Some people are horrified at the idea of a wedding 
taking place at the bedside of a very sick person; but 
this is very proper and is often requested by the ill per- 
son. It is particularly done when the hope of recovery 
is slight and when the unfortunate one is very anxious to 
be present at the ceremony. In such case only the imme- 

diate families are present; the ceremony is simple and 

there is no celebration. A very simple and quiet wedding 
may also be held soon after a bereavement in either 
family. 


THE ANNOUNCEMENT 


The public announcement is made sometimes through 
the press, sometimes at a dinner given for the express 
206 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


purpose, and usually by means of both, or by written 
notes sent by the mother to the ladies of her acquaint- 
ance, while the groom-elect writes to his friends and ac- 
quaintances. Engraved or printed announcement cards 
are never sent; they are considered very poor form. A 
note or telephone message is sent to the various daily 
papers. If the latter, the message is given to the society 
editor in somewhat the following formal manner: “Mr. 
and Mrs. Johnson T. Clarkton are announcing the en- 
gagement of their daughter Genevieve to Mr. Franklin 
Addams, son of Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Addams, of 500 
Boulevard, New York.” 

If the parents of either the woman or the man are 
particularly prominent, the newspapers may send report- 
ers for further information, details of the wedding, and 
perhaps photographs. The present custom raises no ob- 
jection to giving any of these. But photographs should 
not be sent unless requested; the right to use them is 
‘eserved by the editor. 


ANSWER THE ANNOUNCEMENT NOTE! 


A note of announcement should bring a prompt return 
of good wishes. Friends and relatives do not await the 
arrangement of a party or ceremony to personally express 
their congratulations. Friendly notes of kindly expression 
are posted at once. Intimate friends and relatives also 
call on the lady at once. Whether or not a call is made, 
one need have no fears that flowers with the sender’s 
wishes written on a calling card will not be appreciated. 
Such action is considered a particularly pleasing and 
thoughtful courtesy. 

207 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ANSWER THE NOTES OF CONGRATULATION! 


Both bride-to-be and groom-elect are required to an- 
swer all notes of congratulation very promptly. The girl 
may answer those received by her in his behalf as well as 
her own, and he may do likewise. 


THE ANNOUNCEMENT DINNER 


Quite a popular custom has the announcement formally 
made in just so many words at a dinner usually given by 
the girl’s parents on the eve of the announcement day. 
About the middle of the course the girl’s father rises 
and proposes a toast: “I want to ask you all to join me in 
drinking to the future health and happiness of (raising 
his glass and looking toward his daughter) Genevieve, 
and (holding up his glass again and looking toward the 
young man) Franklin!” This is taken as the formal 
announcement of the engagement. All the guests rise 
and drink a portion of the contents of the glasses. The 
couple, who have remained seated, rise and stand to- 
gether as the guests come forward to express their good 
wishes and congratulations. The lady is, of course, the 
first recipient of these expressions. The guests offer their 
hands in turn and utter warm and friendly phrases: 

“This is indeed delightful news, and I sincerely wish 
you all good fortune.” 

“Tt is indeed a pleasure, Miss Clarkton, to be present to 
hear such pleasant tidings, and I am delighted to be 
among the first to offer you all good wishes.” | 

The congratulations to the groom-elect are usually 

208 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


phrased a bit more simply: “This is good news, Mr. 
Addams (or more familiarly, Franklin!) and I sincerely 
congratulate you on your good fortune.” 

“Best wishes to you, old man, and hearty congratu- 
lations.” 

“This is the best news heard in a long time, Franklin; 
best wishes.” 

The responses by the couple are simple: “Thank you, 
I am pleased to have your blessing and approval,” “Thank 
you so much,” “You are very kind,” etc. 

The well-wishing over, the guests return to their 
places and usually request a speech from the lucky man. 
This is usually a brief expression of thanks, accompanied 
by the young man’s assurance that he considers himself 
very fortunate indeed. 


THE ANNOUNCEMENT DAY PARTY 


In New York and other big cities a party is very often 
held in the afternoon or evening of the announcement 
day. On such occasion there is no toast or general an- 
nouncement. The news has been broadcasted by the 
papers and letters sent out by the girl’s mother and by the 
young man. Those who are not yet acquainted with the 
_fact are not long held in ignorance, for the groom-elect 
is either receiving with his fiancée or is brought forward 
by the father and formally presented to them. The fortu- 
nate man receives the congratulations and the bride-to-be 
the best wishes of everybody present. 

When no dinner or entertainment is arranged for the 
announcement, (and it is not at all necessary to do so if 
one 1s not in the habit of entertaining) it is, customary for 

209 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the mother of the girl to write notes of announcement 
stating that they will be at home on a certain afternoon at 
tea time. The proceedure is identically the same as on any 
other afternoon at home, but the groom-elect is present 
~and receives with the fiancée and her mother. 


ENGAGEMENT PRESENTS 


As a general thing the giving of engagement presents 
is not customary. A few intimate friends may give the 
bride-to-be some personal token of good wishes, and the 
family of her fiancée may express their welcome to her 
with some charming little personal gift, but others need 
not do so. 


PARTIES GIVEN “FOR THE COUPES 


Usually a number of parties given for the couple fol- 
low the engagement announcement. First the parents of 
the groom-elect give a dance to formally and openly re- 
ceive the prospective daughter-in-law. Friends usually 
follow this example with dinners, teas, and luncheons, 
all of which are given in honor of the newly engaged 
couple. | 


GIFTS WHICH A BRIDE-TO-BE MAY ACCEPT 


Throughout the engagement period a groom-elect is 
usually bent on showering gifts upon his love. If the 
future welfare will not permit such expense the girl 
should discourage it. But if there is no cause for con- 
cern she may accept flowers regularly, and anything else, 
except wearing apparel or anything that might be classed 

210 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


as “maintenance.” In this class are also considered 
an automobile, a house or furniture.. A piece of personal 
adornment such as a plume, a pretty collar, a scarf, or 
something of like nature, is permissible. Such things 
are luxuries, but on no condition must the girl accept 
anything that may be classed as a necessity. The lady of 
dignity and reserve will not infract this rule. 


PERFECT ACTIONS OF THE ENGAGED 
COUPLE 


It is during the engagement period that the couple 
actually begins a close association. They are usually 
seen everywhere together, and though they do not know 
it, all eyes are them. The well bred couple need not 
be cautioned against a flagrant show of devotion in 
public places. Actions speak louder than words. Some 
vulgar couples cuddle and coo to the utter embarrassment 
and chagrin of all witnesses. The next minute they cause 
consternation by fretting and fussing. So often has the 
advice been given in this book to be reserved and calm 
at all times that it should not bear further repetition 
here. Emotions of either nature should be restrained 
for private display. Two devoted people cannot disguise 
the true adoration that one feels for the other. The man 
shows it in the way his eyes follow every movement of 
the “only girl,” and the girl shows it in her regard for 
the “most wonderful man.” Ready agreement to any 
wish of the other, friendliness toward all, no lack of 
interest in others, and a spreading of the love of every- 
thing beautiful, these are the things that prolong the 
life of the saying, “all the world loves a lover.” 

2iI 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DOES THE COUPLE REQUIRE A CHAPERON®? 


The self respect of both individuals and the respect of 
one for the other should be all the chaperonage required 
of any engaged couple. But the laws of good form 
decree that a couple must not dine together in a restau- 
rant, but they may have lunch or afternoon tea, and 
they may go to the opera or theater together; but at 
road-houses or on an overnight journey a chaperon 
should accompany them. However, it is advisable, if 
desirous of being on the safe side, to consult the custom | 
of the locality if in doubt. 


THE LONG ENGAGEMENT 


It would seem wiser to postpone the engagement a 
great length of time than to postpone the marriage. If 
there are good reasons to put off the wedding and these 
reasons exist before announcing the engagement, it would 
prove far more advisable to delay the announcement 
until the unfavorable conditions cease to exist, and then 
follow soon after with the wedding. A girl and man 
that want each other badly enough need no such thing 
as an engagement to be certain of one another. There 
exists between them an unspoken understanding which 
is binding indeed. But whatever the cause, long drawn- 
out engagements do not seem advisable. 

It is true that the long engagement gives the couple 
sufficient time to become well acquainted, but on the 
other hand it also gives all their friends too much time 
to become acquainted with too many other interests. 

Bie 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Engaged people are usually interesting only to them- 
selves. Their thoughts and interests are centered on each 
other. Friends and acquaintances are permitted to drift 
to others. The girl’s men friends stay away, her girl 
friends and his gentlemen friends do not wish to en- 
croach on the couple’s time together (or be slowly bored 
to death), her family begins to feel that she keeps aloof, 
his family is sure that he does (for they never see him), 
and all around there is created a general feeling of unrest 
and the wish that “they’d hurry and get married.” 

The question as to whether a long engagement should 
be announced or not is answered above. If the matter 
comes to the point of announcing, and it is known at 
that time that the engagement will be a long one, it is 
not well to become engaged and keep the fact secret, 
but better to become engaged at some later date. It 
should be borne in mind that without a definite announce- 
ment of engagement, people may only assume. They see 
that a man and girl apparently care for one another, but 
they cannot know anything. But with the announcement 
goes the feeling. “I thought so; now it’s time to leave 
them entirely to themselves.” And that is what invari- 
ably happens. | 

Personal judgment should be used in this matter, but 
whatever is decided, the truth should not be kept secret. 


THE RELATIVES MEET THE PARENTS 


It is customary to have the near relatives of both . 
families meet the parents of the interested persons. The 
parents of the groom are invited to dine at the house of 
the bride, on which occasion her aunts, uncles, and 

. 213 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


cousins are present. Shortly after, the girl’s parents go 
to the groom’s house to meet his aunts, uncles and 
cousins. 

Nothing further is expected of these meetings than to 
give all the relatives on each side the opportunity of 
knowing by sight at least, the parents of the other 
interested person. 


THE BROKEN ENGAGEMENT 


If for any cause an engagement is “broken off,” the 
announcement statement of the cause is usually left by 
the gentleman to the lady and her family. He permits 
everybody to feel that the dissolution is the wish of the 
lady. He makes no explanations and no contradictions. 
Directly after the absolution he returns all of the lady’s 
letters and her gifts, and she returns the engagement 
ring and all other valuable gifts, but the lady may retain, 
if she wishes the courtship letters, and return only 
those received during the engagement. 

The lady usually writes briefly to friends and relatives 
stating the change of plans. If her feelings are too 
wounded to do this her mother may relieve her of 
this delicate task. If the announcement of engagement 
was ceremoniously made, the annulment may be very 
simply handled by having a modest statement of the 
change printed in the society column of the local news- 
papers. Ordinarily, however, the lady personally informs 
her friends of the breach, or else the responsibility of this 
verbal declaration is assumed by the mother or a matron 
friend. It is not polite to ask information about such 
things. 

214 


CHAPTER I] 
WEDDING PREPARATIONS 


THE DATE 


When the engaged people have determined in their own 
minds the approximate time of year or a definite day 
upon which they would like to be married, and the day 
and time have been set with consideration for the con- 
venience of everybody immediately concerned, the bride’s 
mother must find out whether the appointed time is ac- 
‘ceptable to the functionary who is to perform the cere- 
mony. If the wedding is to be held in church, one must 
be certain that there is no other function scheduled at the 
church for that day. The caterer must also be consid- 
ered if one wishes immaculate service. 

Most weddings being more or less festive, they should 
not be arranged for Sundays or during Lent. Fridays 
should not be chosen as a wedding day, for, though it be 
not forbidden in all churches, it should be borne in mind 
that Friday is nevertheless a fast day. 


THE MOTHERS ARRANGE THE LISTS 


The day and hour of the wedding definitely set, the 
mother of the bride invites the mother of the groom to 
assist in the compilation of the lists. These are deter- 
mined by the nature of the wedding and the reception 
and the number of guests to be included at the reception. 

215 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Both mothers include in their lists the names of people 
who frequently visit them and upon whom they call. 
Added to these are the names of the friends of both bride 
and groom. Wedding invitations may be sent to even very 
distant friends-or relatives, not in the expectation that 
they will be present at the wedding or reception, but more 
as an announcement of the wedding when no special 
announcements are to be sent out. 


INVITATIONS 


The bride-elect and her mother select and order the 
wedding stationery. This usually includes house invita- 
tions, if there is to be a reception, church invitations, and 
announcements. The stationery should be of a good, 
quality and texture, and should be snow-white and with- 
out adornment. If the invitations are to be formal, they 
must always be in the third person, whether written or 
engraved. The type of engraving is preferably script, 
though other types may be chosen. The invitation or an- 
nouncement sheet is given one fold (it is delivered by the 
engraver with the first fold already made) and placed in 
the inclosure, or inner, envelope. On the inclosure enve- 
lope is written the name of the person invited, but no 
address ever appears on this envelope, and since the flap 
is not gummed, the envelope cannot be sealed. The flap 
is tucked in and the inclosure envelope is placed in the 
outer or address envelope, which is of the samé quality 
and texture as the inner envelope. This is addressed and 
mailed. 

Invitations to the reception are inclosed with the 
church invitations for those who are to be present at the © 


216 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


house after the ceremony. General church invitations 
and house invitations should be mailed about three weeks 
before the date of the wedding. 

General announcements, which constitute neither invi- 
tation to the house or church, require the same kind of 
note sheet as those used for the wedding invitation, and 
they are treated in the same way as the invitations. They 
do not state the place at which the wedding takes place, 
or took place, rather, for the announcements are usually 
sent out immediately after the wedding day. 


A WEDDING INVITATION 


Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace 
request the honor of your presence 
at the marriage of their daughter 
Helen Rita 
to 
Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman 
on Thursday, the eleventh of January, 
at half after six o’clock 
St. Paul’s Church 


WHEN THE BRIDE HAS NO CONNECTIONS 


When the bride-elect has no family connections, the 
invitation is worded as follows: 


The honor of your presence is requested 
at the marriage of 
Ella May Edsoll 
with 
Mr. William Lloyd Williams 
CLC BCeree 
a17 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


INVITATION TO HOME WEDDING 


The invitation to the home wedding is exactly the 
same as the church invitation, but the home address re- 
places the name of the church, and the favor of an answer 

is requested. 


WEDDING RECEPTION INVITATION 


Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace 
request the pleasure of your company 
at the wedding breakfast of their daughter 
Helen Rita 
and 
Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman 

on Thursday, the eleventh of January, 

at half after six o’clock 

400 Boulevard 
R.s. v. p. 
WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT 


Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Ford Wallace 
have the honor to announce 
the marriage of their daughter 
Helen Rita 
to 

Mr. Charles Joseph Rockman 

on Thursday, the eleventh of January, 
nineteen hundred and twenty-three 
at St. Paul’s Church 


A COMBINATION INVITATION 


Sometimes the invitation to the reception is combined 
with that to the ceremony, as follows: 
218 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Mr. and Mrs. Brockton Marshall 
request the honor of 
(name written) 
presence at the marriage of their daughter 
Marietta 
to 
Mr. Jeremiah Jennings 
on Thursday the second of May 
at three o’clock 
at St. Paul’s Church 
and afterward at Greendell 
 Brightlawn 
Bs Sept 


If the hour of the ceremony is such as to require a 
breakfast, the invitation might read “and afterwards at 
breakfast at Greendell.” On the invitations one must 
always say “at breakfast,” never “at the reception.” 


INFORMAL WRITTEN INVITATIONS 


For the very small wedding which is not deemed large 
enough to warrant the engraving of invitations, the bride 
may personally write notes. Those invited to such a 
wedding are usually relatives or very close friends, so 
that the invitations are written in the first person and 
in familiar style; but nothing except the details of in- 
formation should be written in such notes. 


INVITATIONS TO RECEPTION ONLY 


Often brides prefer to have none but the family at the 
church ceremony, and to have a big reception afterwards. 
The style of invitation sheets and envelopes is the same 

219 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


as for the invitations to the ceremony, but the wording 
is as follows: 


Mr. and Mrs. Brockton Marshall 
request the pleasure of your company 
at the wedding breakfast of their daughter 
Marietta 
to 
Mr. Jeremiah Jennings 
on Thursday the second of May 
at one o’clock 
at 400 Boulevard 


The favor of an 
answer is requested 


INVITATIONS TO A SECOND MARRIAGE 


Invitations to the wedding of a young widow are 
sent out in the name of her parents, and her own name is 
engraved, for example, Mrs. Marietta Lamont Smithers, 
Lamont being her name before her first marriage and 
Smithers the name of her first husband. The widow who 
has no connections, or is mature, sends invitations as 
above described for those without connections and en- 
graves her name the same as the above given example. 


CARDS OF ADDRESS 


Cards announcing that Mr. and Mrs. Newlywed will 
be at home after such and such a date are sometimes 
placed in the envelopes with the invitations. Or a simple 
visiting card bearing the name and address-to-be of Mr. 
and Mrs. Newlywed are used. 

220 


ee ee 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE WEDDING HOUR 


Wedding etiquette on the Atlantic coast decrees that 
weddings are to be celebrated not later than four-thirty 
o'clock in the afternoon. This means that the wedding 
must of necessity be held before or not later than four 
o'clock. In New York it is fashionable to set the hour 
at noon or in the afternoon at three, three-thirty or four 
o'clock. The wedding held at noon means that breakfast 
takes place at one o’clock. A wedding at nine o’clock in 
the morning is charming—unconventionality reigns, the 
bride wears a simple gown of organdie or white crépe de 
chine—and breakfast is breakfast! 


THE EVENING WEDDING 


Though eastern etiquette objects to weddings after 
four-thirty, there are those who prefer to follow the 
western style of holding the wedding in the evening. The 
arrangements are the same as those for the afternoon 
wedding, but the dress is more elaborate and is, of 
course, strictly evening dress. At the evening church 
wedding the women should wear wraps and scarfs or 
some other light covering for the head. Ball dresses 
are not suitable for church wear. 


THE SMALL HOUSE WEDDING 


The perfect little house wedding should be made a 
miniature church wedding. There should be some 
attempt to arrange a chancel (if not a prayer bench), at 

221 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


which the rector may perform the ceremony. This is 
best accomplished with a setting of greens—palms or 
something of like nature. Customarily the bride and groom 
with their attendants sit at a separate table at breakfast. 
But if there are no attendants a few close friends are 
chosen to sit with the bride and groom. If the number 
present is very small, they may all sit together at the same 
table. A light lunch may permissibly be served to a con- 
siderable number of guests in the same manner in which 
an afternoon tea is served, with refreshments consisting 
of sandwiches, cakes, tea, or chocolate. 


THE ELABORATE WEDDING 


The most elaborate wedding possible is one such as 
might be held by the daughter of a very rich family. 
The church is decorated with masses of flowers. Hang- 
ing garlands encircle the walls of the church, the pews 
bear clusters of flowers at the ends, the chancel is fower- 
bedecked, and often a floral archway covers the entire 
aisle to the chancel. The service is conducted by a dis- 
tinguished clergyman. The musical accompaniment con- 
sists of a full choral service often rendered still more 
beautiful by the presence of a leading opera soloist. The 
attire of the bride and bridesmaids is the acme of per- 
fection. No detail is overlooked and no expense spared. 
In a bower of sweet smelling flowers the bridal pair 
receive at the house after the wedding. Practically the 
whole house is turned into a fairyland of flowers. Strains 
of sweet and unceasing music issue from the very flowers, 
as it were; the musicians are not seen. One orchestra 
stops and the other immediately takes up another strain. 

222 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE POOR GIRL’S WEDDING 


Riches can never buy charm. The poor girl with 
simple attire, married in a tumble down shack, may 
achieve a greater success than the girl whose financial 
resources are unlimited. The price of personality is 
beyond the reach of the total wealth of all the million- 
aires in the world. The girl whose parents have not 
sufficient funds to give her even a semi-elaborate wedding 
will not be discouraged, if her sentiments are of the true 
character. She will with her own hands dress up the 
little home in such fashion as to make it the source of 
admiration of every lover of the beautiful. She will with 
the magic fingers of the woman of charm “touch up” her 
person with little flowers plucked from her own garden, 
so that her being radiates that something which is the 
aspiration of the feminine soul. Her personal splendor 
will supply the necessary lustre. 


THE GROOM MUST NOT GIVE THE WEDDING 


Never, under any circumstances, must a wedding be 
arranged by the groom, or held at his house. All wed- 
ding arrangements should be made in accordance with 
the means of-the girl’s parents. Everybody will appre- 
ciate the wisdom of a reception expenditure within the 
limits of advisability, while an extravagant show seems 
inappropriate. After the wedding has taken place, of 
course, there is no limit to what the man’s family may 
do in the way of receptions, balls, dinners or entertain- 
ments in behalf of the girl. 


223 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE TROUSSEAU 


The modern meaning of the word trousseau is derived 
from the French verb trousser which means to tie up, to 
tuck up, to turn up or to pin up. In former days the 
ntuins and school boarders, etc., carried a little outfit which 
was usually “tucked up.” From this habit of carrying 
a little tucked up bundle the word trousseau came into 
use, the little bundle being called “la trousseau.” Later 
the term came to be used for a bundle of clothing, 
linens, etc., taken by the bride when she left the home 
of her parents. Today the bundle has grown into a load 
which could not conveniently be “tucked up.” 

Every girl is anxious to have the trousseau consist of 
as many pretty things as she is possibly able to gather 
together. The personal trousseau is usually given partic- 
ular attention. In place of the very simple wrappers, 
undergarments and morning dress worn by a girl at 
home, the mother usually buys all of these in the dain- 
tiest possible designs and styles. These things are con- 
sidered more important than the selection of dresses, 
hats and garments of outer wear. 

Table linens, bedsheets, pillowcases, towels, etc., should 
be supplied in quantities sufficiently large and in quality 
proportionate to the purse of the girl’s parents. The 
personal trousseau may consist of dresses, hats, cloaks, 
shoes, gloves, etc., dependent upon the place to which 
the girl is going and the place in which she is to live. 

It is not good form to have an “open exhibition” of a 
trousseau. Close friends may be shown all or part of 
the “bundle.” 

224 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE BRIDESMAIDS 


To the girl who has many dear friends the selection of 
bridesmaids is rather a difficult question. There is no 
limit to the number of bridesmaids a girl may choose, 
and if she follows the English custom she must also in- 
clude every younger relative, as flower girls and pages, 
in the procession. . If she has a sister, the sister should 
be maid of honor, otherwise an intimate friend may fill 
the post. The bridesmaids may all be married, but if they 
are married, the maid of honor should not be an un- 
married girl. 

There may be no bridesmaids at all, but at a church 
wedding one should not dispense with the maid or 
matron of honor. Wedding dresses always require more 
or less attention and on the occasion of her wedding a 
bride is practically helpless to help herself, so that at 
least one wedding attendant is always necessary. 


WHAT THE BRIDESMAIDS WEAR 


The selection of the complete costumes for the brides- 
maids is made by the bride. It would be impossible here 
to attempt to say what might be selected, for that is a 
matter of personal taste and desire. It must be said, 
however, that all the dress and hat materials must be 
light in weight and fragile, and generally more suitable 
to evening than daytime. The dress material of all the 
bridesmaids must be of uniform texture, and the hats 
must be of one style and material. It is customary to 
have the bridesmaids all dressed exactly alike in every 
respect, but those wishing a show of color may accom- 

225 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


plish this end by varying the colors of the dresses and 
hats and flowers of equal numbers of the bridesmaids. 
The first two may have dresses of the color of the bou- 
quets and flowers on the hats of the other two, while the 
second pair have dresses of the same color as the bou- 
quets and flowers on the hats of the first two. The maid 
of honor wears a dress of another color, and her hat is 
trimmed with flowers of both colors worn by the two 
pairs of bridesmaids. All wear slippers and stockings 
to match their dresses, while the gloves of all are of the 
same color. If the bridesmaids are all dressed in the 
same colors, the maid of honor, though wearing a dress 
of the same style and texture of material, reverses the 
colors. 

It is very inappropriate for girls to enter a church 
highly rouged and powdered. 


THE BRIDESMAID WHO IS IN MOURNING 


A girl who is in deepest mourning should not be a 
bridesmaid unless at a very private wedding of a friend 
who is also in mourning. At such a wedding the wed- 
ding attire would be very moderate, so that she would 
be required to wear white. A bridesmaid not in deep 
mourning must for the sake of uniformity wear the color 
required. She should not wear a black band on her arm. 


WHO PAYS THE BRIDESMAIDS’ EXPENSES? 


Every article worn by bridesmaids, flower girls, and 
pages is paid for by those who wear them. Though 
the bride selects the entire costume, she is only called 
upon to pay the minor accessories, such as fans, para- 
sols, or bouquets, whichever are carried. In order to 

226 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


insure having the friends she might like to have as 
bridesmaids, who might not otherwise be in a position 
to act as such, a bride may furnish the costumes for all 
if she has the means. Unless the bride is able to send 
the bridesmaids to reputable establishments to have the 
costumes made, it is not advisable for her to attempt 
paying for the costumes herself, for it may be disastrous 
to the perfect appearance of her attendants to send them 
to places of inferior reputation. 

The bride should attend the final fitting of the brides- 
maids’ costumes, to be certain that they are as she wanted 
them. This should be done several days before the wed- 
ding takes place, so that there is sufficient time to make 
alterations if necessary. The bride may on this occasion 
try on her own dress to get the effect of the whole 
picture. 


THE BRIDEGROOM’S “TROUSSEAUD” 


A bridegroom should have a plentiful supply of the 
clothes required for daily life. His wardrobe may be 
replenished in any and all departments, but he does not 
make up a trousseau in the way a bride does it—if he 
does, it is not for display! 


THE BRIDEGROOMW’S WEDDING CLOTHES 


At the morning or afternoon wedding the bridegroom 
wears a morning coat (cutaway), with dark striped 
gray trousers. Convention calls for a black waistcoat 
to match the coat, but in the spring a high white double- 
breasted piqué waistcoat is very often worn by the groom 
and the best man. The white edge on a waistcoat, like 

227 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the frock coat, is not good form to-day. He may wear 
a four-in-hand tie of a dark color with a thin stripe, 
which is to match those worn by the ushers; or he may 
wear a bow tie of black with a very fine stripe of white, 
or a silk patterned tie of gray or some light shade. He, 
of course, wears a boutonniere. Gray suede gloves are 
conventional, although white buckskin are considered 
very smart. White kid may only be worn in the eve- 
ning. Silk hats must be worn by the groom, best man, 
and ushers, and the groom must carry a walking stick. 
There prevails a tendency at country weddings for the 
ushers to go gloveless! 


THE BEST MAN 


The bridegroom’s brother or best friend is the best 
man. A bridegroom never goes without a best man. 


WHAT THE BEST MAN WEARS 


The best man is dressed exactly like the bridegroom, 
with the exception of the boutonniére, which varies 
slightly from that of the groom. Sometimes the ties of 
the two most important men are different, but their gen- 
eral costume is the same as that of the ushers. 


THE USHERS 


The size of the church and the number of guests in- 
vited governs the number of ushers requested to serve. 
The house wedding requires no ushers, but generally a 
few friends are asked to serve in an honorary capacity. 
Ushers are generally intimate friends, so that the invita- 

228 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


tions to them are informally worded in notes such as 
men friends might write to one another. The date, 
time, and place of the wedding are given, as is the date 
of the bridegroom’s bachelor dinner. 


WHAT THE USHERS WEAR 


The ushers are just as important to the picture as 
a whole as any other part of the picture. It is absolutely 
essential that they be uniformly dressed. Their uni- 
forms are usually the same as those worn by the groom 
and best man, but they customarily adhere strictly to the 
black single-breasted waistcoat. In order to attain uni- 
formity, it is not inadvisable to send the ushers direc- 
tions for rehearsals, at which they are requested to “turn 
out” in “full dress.” It may then be seen how nearly 
uniform their dress is, and if any differ from the rest, 
they may be politely requested to change in this or that 
respect. 


THE HEAD USHER 


If there is a head usher, he is not such by appointment, 
but is merely considered so because of the duties falling 
upon him. It is customary to call the man who takes the 
bride’s mother to her seat the head usher. Sometimes 
the groom selects a particularly reliable friend in whom 
he can place more than the average responsibility. This 
friend is requested to be certain that all details are prop- 
erly and promptly carried out. Besides appointing the 
ushers to the various aisles, the groom usually leaves all 
other arrangements to be taken care of by the ushers. 
One of them looks out for the bride’s coming and hastens 
to notify the groom. Two others take the mothers up 

229 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS © 


the aisle. These ushers are usually selected according to 
their height. Each is expected to be of nearly the height 
of the mother he is to escort. 


THE BRIDESMAIDS’ LUNCHEON 


It is not customary in New York to give a farewell 
luncheon to the bridesmaids. Very likely the girls run 
in every day to see the bride-to-be and the new pres- 
ents as they come in, or to help her in ‘the compilation 
of the gift book or in arranging the gifts, ete. 

But there are sections in the country, however, where 
the bridesmaids are invited to a farewell luncheon. The 
table is bedecked with dainty colors and there is a bride’s 
cake, and there are favors and mottoes and sometimes 
little surprises, and the whole affair is very pleasant. 


GIFTS TO THE BRIDESMAIOS 


The day before the wedding the bridesmaids usually 
lunch informally with the bride. At this time the bride 
gives them each a-present. This is usually something 
to wear. If they are to carry parasols or muffs at the 
wedding, these are usually given them on this occasion. 
The usual gift, however, is a small piece of jewelry. 


THE BACHELOR DINNER 


The much-touted bachelor dinner is usually a very 
decent affair. Perhaps the idea of wild boisterous riots 
at which whole sets of dishes are broken became preva- 
lent through the habit of breaking the stems of the 

: 230 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


glasses from which the toast to the bride is drunk. And 
the underlying idea in breaking the glasses is such a 
noble and chivalrous thought! The “terrible” glass 
breaking is done so that the glasses may never serve a 
purpose less honorable than to hold the drinks that were 
taken in honor of the bride! Near the end of the dinner 
the groom-elect rises, raises his filled glass on high, and 
says, “To the bride!’ All the men rise and drink the 
toast and then break the stems of the glasses. 

In every respect the bachelor dinner is exactly like 
the ordinary dinner given to a group of men. The hilar- 
ity or lack of it depends upon the nature and age of the 
guests. It is customary to have some form of enter- 
tainment, but very generally the guests do their own 
singing and furnish their own entertainment, and have 
a splendid time doing it. Sometimes the dinner is the 
overture to a theatre party. In this case it is, of course, 
very short. 


GIFTS TO THE USHERS 


Gifts by the groom to the ushers are. generally put 
at their places at the bachelor dinner. Any little article 
of jewelry, or perhaps some leather novelty, or a walk- 
ing stick, or something of like nature is satisfactory. 
The gift to the best man is of slightly greater value than 
those to the ushers. 


DINNER FOR BRIDESMAIDS AND USHERS 


For a country wedding which requires the bridesmaids 
and ushers to come a distance, and stop either at the 
home of the bride or somewhere in the vicinity, a dinner 

231 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


for the visitors is a natural consequence. But dinners 
for the wedding attendants have for some reason gone 
out of vogue in the city. Sometimes dinners are ar- 
ranged in the city, but these affairs serve rather to get 
- together the attendants on the night preceding the wed- 
ding for a church rehearsal. Rehearsals are, however, 
most generally held in the afternoon, after which every- 
, body goes to the bride’s house for tea. But they do not 
stay long, for courtesy demands that they permit the 
parents to have their daughter for themselves the entire 
evening of her last day at home, and to permit her to 
go to bed early to be “more than herself” on the mo- 
mentous to-morrow. 


THE REHEARSAL 


It is expecting too much to think for a moment that 
any set of people can go through any given set of mo- 
tions flawlessly the first time. It is not even expected 
of a theatrical group that their first performance of a 
play they have long rehearsed will be properly done. 
There are always points to be smoothed off and high 
lights to be burnished in. For this reason it is decidedly 
important that the people who are to act a certain part 
at a wedding ceremony should have at least one rehearsal 
to familiarize them with their parts, cues, and the parts 
of the other actors. 

The bride coaches the rehearsal, but a superstition 
that it is a token of misfortune, forbids her to take part. 
The bride, who is stolid in her lack of superstition may, 
if she can find an entire “troupe” of attendants to sus- 
tain her, play her part at the rehearsal. But the con- 

232 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ventional procedure is to have some one else take her 
part. And this really has the added feature of giving 
the bride an opportunity of observing the entire produc- 
tion and determining whether everything is satisfactory. 


DRILLING THE PROCESSION 


The procession is the part of the ceremony which it 
is most important to perform well. The bride and groom 
will say “I do” quite naturally, even if timidly. But 
the wedding procession is the “opening action,” and is 
an action bringing in so many people that it is, of course, 
doubly impressive. The way the opening action is im- 
pressed upon the audience depends on how well drilled 
the “company” is and how well it performs. 

The proper performance requires the presence of the 
organist at the rehearsal. The most attention should be 
centered on the step of the marchers. Too slow or too 
rapid a step will cause confusion at the aisle’s end. An 
uneven step and people out of step and out of rhythm 
will give the marchers an appearance of so many jack- 
in-the-boxes bobbing up and down. The entire object 
to be gained in drilling the marchers is to get the bride 
and groom together at the chancel steps at the precise 
moment that the music ceases. This requires that the 
bars of the processional be counted and the steps from 
the vestibule be counted and measured to determine the 
correct pace to be set by the leaders. To simplify the 
tests, it is only necessary to have the ushers try the march | 
down the aisle a few times to the accompaniment of the 
organ, the bride and her mother and the balance of 
the attendants determining when the ushers have hit 
the proper stride. 


233 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


When the pace has been regulated, the entire com- 
pany may then go through the complete rehearsal. The 
ushers lead, the shortest first; the bridesmaids follow 
according to height, just as the ushers. Next comes the 
maid or matron of honor, followed by the flower girls, 
and, last of all, the pseudo-bride leaning on the arm of 
the father. It is very important that the father take part 
in the rehearsal. His part is an important one and needs 
practice. The pages, if there are any, follow the bride 
and hold her train. All the marchers walk two and two, 
except the lady of honor. Each pair follows the one 
before by four paces or beats of music. The secret of 
success in flawlessly performing the professional is de- 
pendent upon getting the correct start, and the correct 
start is made by simply watching the steps of those gone 
before. When the two in front are four paces ahead, 
the two behind start out with the left foot, and so on 
until all except the bride and father have started. These 
two wait until the two before them are eight paces ahead, 
then they start, with the left foot first. 


AT THE CHANCEL 


The arrangement at the chancel depends upon the size 
of the church. But certain definite arrangements are 
applicable to all churches. At the foot of the chancel 
the ushers divide, half going to the right and the other 
half to the left. The bridesmaids follow suit and stand 
before the ushers. Never do all the ushers go to one 
side of the chancel and the bridesmaids to the other. 
The maid of honor goes to the left at the foot of the 
steps, and the grouping of the flower girls and pages 
should be arranged so that they fit best in the picture. 


234 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ENTRANCE OF THE BRIDEGROOM 


The groom follows the rector from the vestry, and be- 
hind the groom comes the best man. The rector pro- 
ceeds to the chancel, while the bridegroom takes his 
place at the foot of the steps at the right, with the best 
man directly behind him. The clergyman, the groom, 
and the best man, who start to their places with the 
opening strain of the music, reach their places first. The 
bridesmaids and the ushers pass before the best man and 
groom if they are going up the chancel steps, but behind 
if the entire ceremony is to be held at the foot of the 
chancel. These details are, of course, dependent upon 
the size of the church and the best judgment of those 
arranging the ceremony. If the entry from the vestry 
leads right into the chancel, the groom stands behind the 
clergyman in the chancel, and when the bride approaches 
he goes, followed by the best man, down the steps to 
meet the bride. This movement is made toward the right 
of the chancel (which, from the groom’s position, is his 
left). If the entrance from the vestry brings the groom 
to the foot of the chancel steps, he makes only one step 
forward to meet the bride. 

The understudy for the bride takes her left hand 
from the father’s arm (the father walks on the left 
of the bride), shifts whatever is representing the bou- 
quet to her left hand, and extends her right hand to the 
bridegroom. The bridegroom takes the extended hand 
in his right hand and places the right arm under his left, 
turning at the same time to the chancel, and leads her 
up the steps, if this is required. If the ceremony is held 
at the foot of the chancel, the bridegroom merely takes 


235 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the bride’s right hand in his left, and they stand as 
they are. 


THE ORGANIST’S CUE 


When the groom takes the bride’s hand, the organist 
has received his cue to stop playing. This tells him 
just how many bars are required to complete the entire 
procession. A few more trials should give the marchers 
the required practice to insure a smooth-running per- 
formance. The number of bars to complete the proces- 
sion and the ending point in the music also enables the 
organist to determine at just which bar in the music the 
procession must start. It seems rather chopped off and 
sudden to have the music stopped at just a certain point 
without some sort of ending, so that, if preferable, the 
organist may complete the bar and then finish with an 
ending with the closing bars of the processional; but 
the music must not continue too long after the bride has 
reached her place. If the ceremony is to be held in the 
chancel, the bride and bridegroom go slowly up the steps 
of the chancel to the last strains of the organ, and the 
maid of honor follows to the left, with best man at 
the right. In the absence of a maid of honor, the “first” 
bridesmaid acts in the same capacity from this point on. 
The maid of honor and the best man stand behind and 
respectively to the left and right of the bride and bride- 
groom. No part of the nuptials is ever rehearsed, but 
the necessary details may be explained. 

The recessional is then rehearsed. The bride hands 
her bouquet to the maid of honor, and the best man gives 
the bridegroom the ring (in pantomime), the recessional 
is played, and the recessional march is practiced. This, 

236 | 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


of course, is done in the reversed order, the bride and 
groom taking the lead, followed by the bridesmaids and 
the ushers. It is important to carry out the recessional 
in perfect harmony and form. All the participants 
should take pains to step out with the left foot firs 
and maintain the same pace that was used coming in. 
Eight paces or beats must separate the bride and groom 
and the bridesmaids, who follow them, while four paces 
or beats separate the others, just as in the processional. 

Never should the ushers go out side by side with the 
bridesmaids. The maid of honor leaves as she came, 
alone; while the best man goes to the vestry for his and 
the bridegroom’s hat and stick. He must hasten to meet 
the couple in front of the church. 


THE BRIDEGROOM’S OBLIGATIONS 


THE WEDDING RING 


No man should assume to buy a wedding ring on his 
own responsibility; the bride should by all means accom- 
pany her intended husband to make the selection. She 
is to wear it all her days, and it should be pleasing to her. 
Furthermore, it must fit, for it seems not so pleasant, 
for sentimental reasons, to have a wedding ring altered, 
unless absolutely necessary. 


THE WEDDING TRIP 


Arrangements should be made by the groom far enough 
in advance to be certain of every convenience on the 
wedding trip. It may be considered excusable for a very 
busy married man to be lax at times, but for a newly- 

G. Man.—I 237 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wed, never! Reservations for hotel accommodations, 
parlor cars, staterooms, sleepers, etc., can be made just 
as soon as the plans for the trip are definitely settled. 
Proscrastination is an unnecessary evil, and is inexcus- 
_able in such a case. Everything for complete convenience 
and enjoyment should be arranged in sufficient time to 
assure a successful trip. 


Expense of the Trip 


No true groom need be told that all the expenses for 
the wedding trip are to be borne by him. In fact, no true 
groom would for a minute tolerate anyone else paying 
for even a trolley transfer on the trip of trips, and as 
for permitting the bride to pay for any of it—incompre- 
hensible!—to the real man, regardless of the riches of 
his wife and his own poverty. 

There is no objection, however, to a man driving his 
wife on their wedding trip in her own car, provided he 
pays all the expenses incurred on the trip. It would be 
permissible, too, for him to use her father’s yacht under 
the same conditions. 


INCIDENTAL EXPENSES 


Besides the gifts to the ushers and best man, as pre- 
viously described, the groom must furnish the ties, gloves 
and boutonniéres*for all the men attendants, the bouquet 
for his bride and the clergyman’s fee. This latter may 
range from ten dollars (preferably a gold piece) to 
whatever amount the man is able and willing to give. 
The fee is enclosed in an envelope and taken in charge 
by the best man to give to the clergyman in the vestry 
room after the ceremony. 


238 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE WEDDING PRESENTS 


WHAT THE BRIDEGROOM GIVES THE BRIDE 


Something of personal adornment must constitute the 
groom’s wedding gift to the bride. It may be small or 
it may be large, but it must be something of personal 
adornment. The man should spend for this gift to the 
utmost of his ability, but of course within reason. If 
the man can afford it, he will be delighted to take his 
fiancée to a good jeweler’s and let her have her choice. 


THE GIFT BOOK 


Each gift received by the bride should be entered at 
once into a Gift Book, one of which may be bought at any 
good stationer’s. Or if one wishes, they may be entered 
in any pretty note book that is large enough and fit to 
keep. The points to be noted are: Date present was 
received, Article, Sent by, Sender’s address, Where 
bought, Date of letter of thanks. If all the particulars 
are promptly entered, including always the sender’s 
address a great deal of difficulty will be avoided in send- 
ing notes of thanks or in personally thanking donors at 
the reception or whenever they are met. 


DISPLAYING THE PRESENTS 


Care and consideration, those fundamental principles 
of good manners, play an important part in the arrang- 
ing of the wedding presents, a very important part 
indeed! It is so wonderful to be made at ease over a 
thing that may have caused you some doubt and worry, 


239 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and when you find that the one to whom you have given 
a present is so entirely pleased with it and has given 
it a good and appropriate place among the other gifts, 
you are content. The gifts should be so arranged that 
the smaller and less expensive do not suffer by com- 
parison with the bigger and more elaborate, that the 
gifts not so reflective of good taste are not made to look 
_ ridiculous by comparison with the beautiful. All presents 
are given in a spirit of kindness and should be received 
and treated in the same way. Neither should duplicates 
be placed together, for the donors are always made to 
feel that they made a poor selection. 

Space permitting, the gifts should be arranged around 
the sides of a room especially cleared and arranged for 
the purpose. Tables with white table cloths may serve as 
counters on which to display the presents. If the cards 
of the senders remain attached to the presents, the 
answering and re-answering of a great deal of questions 
may be obviated and everyone receives due credit. 


WHEN THE PRESENTS MAY BE SHOWN 


If room in the house permits, the wedding presents 
may be shown at the reception. If not, they may be 
shown the day before. Intimate friends are asked to 
call at tea time on the day preceding the wedding, if the 
presents are ot to be shown at the reception. Very 
intimate friends usually drop in from time to time to see 
‘what else has come. 


THE MATTER OF INITIALS 


It seems rather a foolish custom to give a girl about 
to change her initials anything bearing the initials of 
240 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


her pre-marriage name. The gifts are her property, it 
is true, but she is going to use them only after her initials 
have been changed, and unless her last initial happens 
to be the same after marriage as it was before, it seems 
rather thoughtless and stupid to give her things with 
initials that are not going to be her’s for the major part 
of the life of the gift. Some considerate people bear 
this in mind when making wedding presents, and oc- 
casionally a bride-to-be asks intimate friends to use the 
initials that are to be hers. 


THE DELAYED PRESENT 


When presents are not sent until after the wedding, 
due to the illness of the sender, a short note of explana- 
tion should accompany the gift. 


EXCHANGING PRESENTS 


The person who gives a present with good intention 
and the hope that the bride will find some use for the 
object presented should not feel hurt if the bride happens 
to receive one or more duplicates and exchanges all but 
one, if one of the particular article is sufficient. Indeed, 
it should be a source of gratification to the giver to know 
that an apparently useless article can be exchanged for 
something that will give the recipient much pleasure. 
It must be understood, of course, that a bride may 
not exchange the presents given her by the groom’s 
family or her own family without the consent of the 
giver. 


241 


CHAPTER ITI 


THE WEDDING DAY 


PREPARATIONS AT THE BRIDE’S HOME 


What a short day is a wedding day! Get up and be 
doing as early as they may, there cannot possibly be time 
enough to have everything in readiness! And yet, some- 
how or other things seem to go, perhaps somewhat after 
the fashion of the old college song: 


“You may pull the damper out; 
You may push the damper in, 
And the smoke goes up the chimney just the same!” 


What a hustle and bustle! A scene for a Dickens 
to describe! Caterers and florists lay waste the rooms! 
——and promise to put them into presentable shape before 
the time for the reception! It seems impossible. The 
door bell seems to be ringing incessantly. Telegrams, 
bulking bundles, vari-shaped parcels and packages, the 
belated tokens of friendship and esteem arrive intermit- 
tently. An almost steady stream of delivery men come 
and go. Friends, relatives, and trades people are ushered 
in and out; the bride is in constant demand. 


DUTIES. OF THE BESTsMAN 


Among others, the best man arrives at the home of 
the bride to take her luggage away. This is one of the 
242 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


many duties to be performed by the best man. He must 
take the bride’s luggage in charge and see that it and 
the groom’s are forwarded to the express company. In 
fact, the best man very often attends to the entire pack- 
ing of the groom’s things, to be certain that everything 
necessary is packed and that no unnecessary articles are 
permitted to take up valuable space. He must see that 
the groom’s traveling suit is taken to the bride’s house 
and placed in the room allotted to him for making the 
change from the wedding costume. He takes all the bag- 
gage to hotel, pier, or station, and makes all the arrange- 
ments for its proper disposition. 

The next important duty of the best man is to the 
groom himself. He must see that this nervous and fid- 
geting gentleman is early and properly dressed; help him 
find this, that, and the other elusive article that was just 
in sight, but somehow or other is not there when it is 
wanted. The groom must also be checked up, to be cer- 
tain that all his responsibilities have been taken care of; 
that the bride’s bouquet has been -ordered; that the 
clergyman’s fee is ready, and, most important of all, that 
the ring is in his hands. This and the clergyman’s fee 
are always given in charge of the best man. 

All his duties in hand, the best man then becomes 
escort to the groom. They go to the church together 
and walk to the chancel together; in everything the best 
man is, in truth, the “best”? man. 


THE BRIDE’S WEDDING ATTIRE 


Three important articles must, ’tis said, be worn by 
every bride. These are: a ring on her finger, a brooch 


243 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


on her breast, and a garland on her head. Of these the 
garland is the most important. It is an emblem of virtue, 
and, regardless of what else may be lacking in the bride’s 
costume, the garland must be there. It is made of myrtle 
leaves or orange blossoms. These, in combination with 
her white dress, are the emblems of the virgin bride. 
Other colors, with the possible exception of cloth of 
silver, or very light cream, are not worn by the maiden 
bride. Cloth of gold may be worn by a widow on the 
occasion of her second wedding. The selection of the 
veil, or veils if the bride is very young and wishes to 
follow the very old custom of wearing a face veil, are the 
choice of the bride herself, but it must be white. 

There are several old sentiments that brides love to 
comply with. They are embodied in the lines: 


“Something old, something new, 
Something borrowed, something blue, 
And a lucky sixpence in your shoe!” 


Old lace, that of the groom’s or her own mother’s, 
may be worn; the wedding attire usually contains some- 
thing new, and a pin borrowed from the maid of honor 
or one of the bridesmaids, may be both borrowed and 
blue, while the sixpence may be a dime. 

Some brides prefer to remove the glove of the left 
hand at the altar. Others simply have the under seam 
of the one finger cut open and the loose finger turned in, 
and, if the wedding is a small one, some prefer to wear 
no gloves at all. For a country wedding, no gloves is 
fitting, but custom in the community should govern 
the choice. 


244 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


PROCESSION’ TO)’ THE CHURCH 


The bride’s wedding attendants gather at her house 
to get their bouquets and to leave for the church. The 
bride’s mother is usually the first to leave, for she is one 
of the audience, but she should not arrive at the church 
too early, for no one is supposed to take a seat after the 
bride’s mother is seated. Occasionally she takes one or 
two bridesmaids in her carriage or automobile, but ar- 
rangements must always be made for the father to ride 
back from the church with her. The bridesmaids are 
the next to leave. They may go in their own vehicles 
or in those supplied by the bride’s parents. Last of all 
to leave are the bride and her father. The carriage or 
automobile in which they ride should have an appear- 
ance bespeaking a wedding. If the vehicle is a carriage, 
it must be a brougham, and the horses’ heads should be 
decorated with white flowers, and the coachman should 
Wear a white boutonniére. The chauffeur of an auto- 
mobile should wear white gloves and white flowers in 
his coat, and the tires of the car should be painted white. 


ALE CHURCH 
THE USHERS PREPARE 


The first to arrive at the church are the ushers. They 
should be there at least an hour before the time set for 
the wedding and go at once to the vestry room to dispose 
of their clothes. They then repair to the vestibule, 
where the boutonniéres should be waiting in charge of 
a boy from the florist’s, whose particular duty it is to 


245 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


see that the flowers are there on time and that every 
usher receives flowers. The assignments are reviewed, 
and if the ushers are not all familiar with the seating 
of the church, they are made acquainted with the details. 
It is always advisable for the ushers to freshen their 
memories on the question of seating, so that there may 
be no unnecessary mix-ups at the ceremony. If the 
assignments have not been previously made, the head 
usher makes them, appointing the men most familiar 
with the expected guests to the center or more important 
aisles. If the church is a small one with only a center 
and two side aisles, the center aisle is likely to be the 
one most used, and should consequently have at least 
two more ushers than the other two aisles. A brother 
of the bride or groom may well be appointed to serve 
at the center aisle, for he is usually well acquainted with 
the people of both families, and will be most capable 
of taking immediate care of them on arrival. If there 
are brothers in both families, one or more from each 
will prove an aid to successful ushering. If the ushers 
for the side aisles happen to be in the vestibule when 
people with whom they are acquainted arrive, they may 
escort them down the center aisle if that happens to be 
where they are to sit. 


THE SEATING 


The reserved section of the church for the families, 
relatives, and intimate friends is fenced off with white 
ribbons. From six to twenty pews, or more if necessary, 
are reserved. The parents of both bride and groom sit 
in the first pew, the bride’s parents on the left, those of 
the groom on the right. Because of their respective posi- 

246 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


tions on the left and right sides of the church, those sides 
are known as the bride’s side and the groom’s side. 

The most efficient seating plan is the one by which 
puests are given assigned seats. Cards with the pew 
numbers on may be sent with the invitations, on num- 
bered visiting cards may be sent after, Thus everybody 
knows where to sit, and on presentation of the cards the 
ushers also know at once. One thing to avoid in this 
method, however, is the placing of too many people in 
one pew; but this can be simply avoided by making out 
just the number of cards for each pew as the pew will 
hold people. Cards for the “ribbon” section are marked 
either “Reserved” or “Before the ribbons.’ Of these 
two markings, the latter seems better and more fitting; 
the former marking savors of the concert or entertain- 
ment. To change the seat to which one has been assigned 
_is a show of very poor etiquette, and this is particularly 
so if done after the bride’s mother has taken her seat. 


USHERING 


All the guests must be shown to their seats by the 
ushers. The usher offers his arm to every lady whom he 
escorts down the aisle. If there are several ladies in 
a group and time does not permit of taking each one 
down individually, he may offer his arm to the oldest 
one and ask the others to follow. The guests always 
wait in the vestibule to be escorted to their seats. 

When an usher is not sure whether or not a lady 
belongs “before the ribbons” and she does not offer a 
card, he may say, “Have you a pew number?” But if 
she has no card and says she belongs in the ribboned 
section, the usher should never fuss about it, 

247 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


There is absolutely no reason why an usher should not 
speak a few words with the guests as he walks down the 
aisle with them. Everything spoken should of course be 
said quietly, though not with solemnity or in a hushed 
manner. Nor should a long conversation be held inside 
the church or in the aisles. Neither must an usher ever 
stand at the end of an aisle and converse with any of his 
acquaintances. He may on occasion speak a few neces- 
sary words with a member of either family, when the 
question has some bearing on the matter in hand. 

A considerable number of people waiting to be shown 
to their seats should not cause an usher to lose his equa- 
nimity. He should walk quickly back up the aisle after 
showing one person to a seat, but should never trot or 
show any sign of being in a hurry. Grace and poise are 
important to the successful usher. 

People who have no cards usually sit in the balcony. 
Those in deep mourning who nevertheless feel called upon 
and are anxious to witness the ceremony may attend and 
sit in the balcony. The women of a family in mourning 
may wear white on the wedding day of some member of 
the family; but the wedding should be small. 


THE WELL MANAGED WEDDING 


ARRIVAL OF THE BRIDEGROOM 


About fifteen minutes before the set hour the bride- 
groom and best man arrive at the church. They may 
walk or ride, as they wish. They enter the church by the 
vestry door and wait in the vestry or the clergyman’s 
study until notified that the bride has come. 

248 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ARRIVAL OF THE BRIDE 


In order to give everyone time to reach the church the 
bride arranges her arrival for one minute after the 
appointed hour. Arrangements should be made to take 
care of the bridesmaids’ wraps during the ceremony. 
When the bride’s mother, the leader of the procession to 
the church arrives, an usher goes to notify the bride- 
groom. If others who are not to take part in the wedding 
procession come with the mother, they are first shown to 
their seats, while the mother waits in the vestibule. 
When the entire wedding party is gathered in the vesti- 
bule the doors to the church proper are closed and no 
one else is ushered in except the parents of both young 
people. 

The mother of the groom is then led down the aisle on 
the arm of an usher, the father following alone. They 
sit in the first pew on the right, while the usher returns 
to the vestibule to get the bride’s mother. When this 
usher has had time to return to the vestibule and take his 
place the procession starts. 

With the first note of the music the clergyman, the 
bridegroom and best man enter the church from the 
vestry door. The clergyman proceeds to the chancel 
and the bridegroom takes his place at the right at the 
head of the aisle. Or, if the vestry door opens on the 
chancel, the bridegroom stands at the top of the first few 
steps. He removes the glove from his right hand and 
places it in his left hand. The best man takes his posi- 
tion directly behind and to the right of the bridegroom. 
There is no reason for him to remove his glove; in fact, 
he should not do so. 


249 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


WHAT THE BRIDE AND GROOM DO 


The entire correct procedure for the wedding proces- 
sional is fully described in the section on the “Rehearsal.” 
This and the procedure followed by the bride and groom 
at the chancel before the actual ceremony is performed 
are described in the same section. 


THE FATHER GIVES THE BRIDE AWAY 


The rehearsals never go farther than the point at which 
the bride and groom meet at the chancel, so that the de- 
scription of the rehearsals in another part of this book 
gives no account of the actions of the father. When the 
bride lets go of her father’s arm at the end of the aisle 
and goes forward to the groom, the father crosses over 
a step to the left so that his position is a step or two 
behind the bride and to the left. When the clergyman 
says, “Who giveth this woman to be married?” the father 
steps forward until he is about a short step before and 
to the left of his daughter, and not between her and the 
clergyman. Meanwhile the daughter makes about a 
quarter turn toward her father and gives him her right 
hand. The father takes the bride’s hand lightly in his 
and at the same moment that he puts it into the clergy- 
man’s hand, says, “I do!” With this action the daughter 
is “given away.” The father takes his place in the first 
pew at the left of his wife. When there is no father, a 
mother, uncle, guardian, or other relative may give the 
bride away. 

THE MARRIAGE CEREMONY 

When the father has given his daughter’s hand into 

that of the clergyman’s and has taken his seat next to his 
250 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wife, the clergyman relinquishes the bride’s hand, turns 
and walks slowly up the steps to the altar. As he does 
so the choir or soloist begins to sing, or if there are 
neither, the organist begins to play. The bride and groom 
follow slowly. When this procedure is followed the bride 
rests the fingers of her right hand lightly upon the left 
arm of the groom. If the ceremony is held before the 
chancel and the bride and groom remain standing at the 
foot of the aisle approximately where they met, the bride 
keeps her hand on the groom’s arm if he put it there 
when they met, or they simply hold each other’s hand if 
the groom only took the bride’s hand when they met. 
If they go up the steps, it must be arm in arm. 

The best man and the maid of honor, or the bridesinaid 
who is to act as maid of honor, take their respective places 
behind the bride and the bridegroom. The singing or 
playing should not last a long time after the assemblage at 
the altar is complete. When the last note of music has 
sounded, the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of 
honor, or if she has brought her own prayer book she 
hands this to the clergyman, and the nuptials are per- 
formed. 

The ring is passed from the best man to the bride- 
groom, who in turn gives it to the clergyman. In his 
anxiety to be timely with the production of the ring the 
best man should not be previous. He should not keep 
his hand in readiness at the pocket which contains the 
ring, but should only move to bring forth the ring when 
the proper time comes. The careful best man always 
procures a duplicate ring to provide for an emergency, 
either before the wedding or during the ceremony. If 
the right ring is accidentally dropped at the altar he may 

251 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


stoop to pick it up if it is within view, but if a search 
would be required to find the original, he should produce 
the duplicate so that the ceremony may proceed. Let us 
not attempt to say which ring the bride.in such case 
would prefer to wear permanently; this rests entirely 
with the individual. Some might even prefer to search 
- for the original until it is found rather than be married 
with any but the right ring, and perhaps they are justi- 
fied, if a ring is to mean anything at all! 

At the end of the ceremony the clergyman extends his 
best wishes to the couple. 


THE RECESSIONAL 


When the clergyman has congratulated the couple, 
the recessional is played. The bride is given her bouquet 
by the maid of honor and turns toward her husband, puts 
her left hand through his right arm, and as man and 
wife they go up the aisle. If the bride wears a veil over 
her face, the maid of honor lifts this when the bride takes 
back her bouquet, so that she faces her husband and the 
world unveiled. t 

In order that she may be unhampered, the maid of 
honor gives her bouquet to the bridesmaid nearest her, 
meanwhile straightening out the train and veil of the 
bride. This done, she takes her bouquet again and 
follows the couple at eight paces, or as nearly eight as 
she can make it. The best man has slipped off into the 
vestry to get the groom’s hat and stick; he should not go 
up the aisle with the maid of honor. The other partici- 
pants in the procession go out as described under the 
section on “Rehearsals.” The recessional should not be 
hurried; it is as important as the processional. 

252 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


AFTER THE RECESSIONAL 


Meanwhile the best man ‘must have reached the door 
of the bride’s carriage. It seems much more advanta- 
geous and less bothersome and uncertain, for the best 
man to have the sexton take the hats and sticks around 
to the vestibule upon arrival in the vestry room. This 
would, of course, have to be previously arranged with 
the sexton, so that he would come to the vestry room 
to perform this duty, otherwise it would most likely 
be impossible to find the sexton once the groom and 
best man were at the church. But even if the sexton 
does take charge of the hats and sticks, the best man 
must hurry around to the front of the church to be at 
_the bride’s carriage when the couple enter. It is his 
duty to see them into the carriage. 

The order of departure from the church is the reverse 
of that followed in coming. The bridesmaids follow the 
newly married couple, then come the bride’s mother and 
father and then the groom’s mother and father, followed 
by the nearest relatives of both families. 

His duty at the bride’s carriage performed, the best 
man goes back to the vestry to give the clergyman his 
fee. It is becoming a custom widely practiced to also 
give the sexton a tip for his efforts. 


USHERING OUT THE GUESTS 


The guests must be ushered out with just as much 
precision as was employed in bringing them in. All the 
ladies in the first pews are escorted to the door in the 
order of their precedence. Just as she is the last to be 
seated, the bride’s mother is the first to leave. Next to 


253 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


be ushered out is the groom’s mother, then the occupants 
of the first pew on the bride’s side, then those seated in 
the first pew on the groom’s side, and those in the second 
pew on the bride’s side next, and so on in alternation. 
Though not followed by all ushers, this method is com- 
mendable for its systematic approach to uniformity of 
action. Everyone must remain seated until those in 
the first pews are ushered out; not to do so is a glaring 
breach of etiquette. It seerns a pity that such methods 
have to be resorted to, but occasionally the ushers run 
ribbons down the aisles along the ends of the pews just 
before the bride comes in. It is not a display of good 
manners for the guests behind the ribbons to leave before 
time, but it is not very well mannered either to show peo- 
ple that some of their number are considered ill mannered. 

When the guests of the reserved pews have all been 
ushered out, the ushers hurry to the bride’s house to carry 
out their other duties there. The day of an usher is a 
busy one indeed! , 


AT THE BRIDAL HOUSE 


RECEIVING THE GUESTS 


Bride and groom take the place arranged for them, the 
bride at the right of her husband. The bridesmaids are 
grouped in some manner about or beside the bridal pair 
according to individual taste. At a small wedding the 
ushers personally take the guests up to the bride and — 
groom, but at a large wedding reception this would not 
be practical. At such weddings only the very old and 
the celebrated guests are so honored. An usher may 
also take a personal friend up to meet the couple. At 


254 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the very large wedding the mother stands somewhere 
near the entrance to the room, and generally her butler 
or the one furnished by the caterer, or occasionally an 
usher, asks each approaching guest his name and then 
repeats it in a tone loud enough for the hostess to hear, 
but not as a general announcement. The guests just 
stop long enough to shake hands, say a word or two 
about the lovely bride, the wonderful couple or the beauti- 
ful wedding, and then pass on to the bridal pair. 


WHAT TO SAY TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM 
Your acquaintance with the bride and groom, or both, 
must govern the nature of the congratulations. 
For Strangers 


If you are not known to either you may merely shake 
hands with the groom and say “Congratulations !”, shake 
hands with the bride and say “I wish you the best of 
good fortune!”, or “I wish you every happiness!”, and 
then pass on. Under no circumstances should one say, 
“Congratulations!” to the bride; or anything that might 
be construed as an imposition that the bride is “lucky.” 


Acquaintances 

Those moderately well acquainted with the couple 
may say to the groom: 

“You are certainly to be congratulated !” 
‘eyes 

“May Dame Fortune always smile on you!” 
Or: 

“T hope you will always be as lucky as you are today!” 


255 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


To the bride the acquaintance might say: 


“May you always enjoy the greatest happiness!” 


02 ot 
_“T hope your life will be all happiness!” 


Or the older lady might say: 
“Helen, dear, I hope you will always be as bright and 


{?? 


fresh as you are today! You are lovely! 


Friends 


Friends greet the couple in much the same manner 
described above, but they are usually less formal and a 
bit more outspoken and warm. 


Relatives 


A woman relative kisses the bride and says, “Helen, 
darling, I wish I could express all my good wishes to 
you!” 

The woman relative may also kiss the groom and say 
something equally pleasant. 


WHAT THE BRIDE AND GROOM SAY 


To the wishes and congratulations of acquaintances 
and strangers the bride and groom usually say “Thank 
you.” To friends and relatives they may be a bit more 
full in their expressions of gratitude, and the bride may 
take the opportunity of thanking those who sent presents, 
possibly naming the article if she is sure she remembers 
what it was—if not certain, it is better not to mention 
definitely the kind of gift, for to say so-and-so when it 
was this-and-that would seem a lack of interest in the gift. 


256 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


INTRODUCTION OF AND BY BRIDE AND GROOM 


The bride or groom does not introduce the new 
husband or wife as “Mr.” or “Mrs. Soandso,” but as 
“my husband,” or “my wife.” To intimate friends or 
relatives known by one but not by the other of the couple, 
either would call the other by the first name. The wife 
would say, “George, this is cousin Lucy!” or “Mrs. 
Nearby, you know George, don’t you?” or “Mrs. Brill- 
yant, may I present my husband?” And the groom 
would follow the same general manner in introducing 
his wife and friends, relatives or acquaintances. 


GENERAL RULES FOR CONVERSATION WITH THE BRIDE 
AND GROOM 


Don’t speak of matters not pertaining to the wedding 
and its participants. Don’t speak of your wedding. 
Avoidance of both these rules will keep you from an in- 
fraction of a third, which says that one must not carry 
on long conversations with the bridal couple—and of 
course the considerate person would not do so if there 
were a long line behind waiting to greet the couple. If 
you have a really important bit of news to tell either the 
bride or groom or both, you may tell the: later, provided 
the subject does not give promise of developing into a 
long conversation; and remember, if it has no bearing on 
some part of the wedding of this particular couple, leave 
it unsaid. 


WHAT THE PARENTS OF THE GROOM DO 


The bridegroom’s mother is also expected to receive. 
She may stand near the bride’s mother, or she may take 


25/ 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a place beyond the bridesmaids, so that after the line has 
passed the couple and their attendants, it passes on to 
her. Everybody is expected to shake hands with the 
bridegroom’s mother, though it is not necessary to say 
anything if one does not know her. Sometimes the 
groom’s father stands next to his wife, but most generally 
he acts as a guest, which in reality is his capacity. 


THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE 


The father of the bride is the host of the occasion. He 
goes around among the guests and in general acts as 
he would at any other occasion. Sometimes the bride’s 
father stands next to his wife at “the receiving end.” 


THE SIT-DOWN BREAKFAST 


DETAILS OF ARRANGEMENT 


As soon as the guests have offered their greetings to 
the couple, they may go out to find places at the tables. 
For a big reception it is mostly always necessary to im- 
provise a dining room, for few houses are large enough 
to seat all the guests of even a wedding reception of 
moderate attendance. In Newport a canopied platform 
is built next to the veranda or on the lawn. In New 
York the platform is built in the yard and a canopy is 
spread overhead. Such an arrangement may be carried 
out by people of moderate means who want to have a 
reception of moderate size. The expense would not be 
as great as the rental for an assembly room, and as the 
expense for catering must be borne anyway, it is pre- 
ferable and so much nicer to have the reception at one’s 

258 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


home if at all possible. The entire space is filled with 
little tables placed closely together around a big one in 
the center. When the reception is large and the bridal 
party is large, there may be a second table for the parents 
and a few close friends and specially invited guests. 

Guests at the sit-down breakfast sit wherever and 
with whomever they please. There are no place cards, 
except at the reserved table for friends. 


THE BRIDES TABLE 


The crowning feature of the wedding breakfast is the 
table set for the bride and her party. The bridal table 
may be set in the dining room, or in a separate room. 
This table is beautifully decorated with white garlands 
and flowers and ribbons. In the center is placed a large 
iced wedding cake, usually bedecked with white or silver 
flowers, or sometimes mounted with a miniature bride 
and groom. The top is usually a separate cover which 
may be easily lifted off when the cake is to be cut. 


THE TABLE OF THE BRIDE'S PARENTS 


The bride’s mother and father are, of course, hostess 
and host at the wedding breakfast. The host occupies 
the seat at the head of the table and the groom’s mother, 
who is the lady of honor, sits at his right. The bride’s 
mother sits at the regular place occupied by the hostess 
(at the foot of the table) and the groom’s father sits 
at the right of the hostess. The other places at this table 
are occupied by close friends and distinguished guests, 
and the clergyman who performed the ceremony, if he is 
invited. A bishop or dean who was functionary at the 
wedding would sit at the left of the hostess, and his 

259 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wife, if present, would act as the lady second in import- 
ance, and would sit at the left of the host. 


THE SERVICE 


A sit-down breakfast is usually served by a caterer. 
Only at very big houses is it possible to successfully 
accomplish the management of such a large service. The 
caterer supplies the tables, chairs, dishes, napery, food, 
footmen and waiters. 


THE MENU 


Enough small menu cards are placed on the small 
tables to be convenient for the number of people seated 
at each table. The menu cards are printed in silver and 
usually have the entwined initials of the bride and groom 
stamped in silver at the top. If the father of the bride 
has a family crest, this is sometimes stamped plain at the 
head. But if the initials of the bride and groom are 
used, they must match in design the initials stamped on 
the wedding cake boxes. 

The menu may consist of: 


Melon (or grapefruit) 


Creamed Shrimp Chicken Paté 
Peas 
Rice Croquettes Celery Salad 
Loganberry Ice 
Coffee 


THE STANDING BREAKFAST OR RECEPTION 


At a standing breakfast, only the bridal party sits to 
eat. The other guests help themselves to the collation 
260 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


set on a long table in the dining-room. This table should 
be prettily set with centerpiece and white flowers. 
Plates, napkins, spoons and forks are arranged in rows, 
and at one end may be a large urn with bouillon and at 
the other end is one filled with chocolate, tea or some 
other drink. At perhaps four different places on the 
table there are two cold dishes, and at alternating places 
there are two hot dishes. There are rolls and biscuits 
and sandwiches. Scattered about in various places on 
the table are dishes of very pretty little cakes, most 
delectable in appearance. Ices are brought in when most 
guests have about completed the second course. Ice 
cream may just as well be served if desired; one is as 
appropriate and fitting as the other, but caterers prefer 
the ices because they are more easily handled. 

It is important to select all the dishes for a standing 
luncheon with a view toward ease in eating. Fork foods 
that may easily be eaten with only a fork while the 
plate is held in the left hand should be served. The two 
cold dishes may consist of an aspic of some sort, chicken, 
terrine de foie gras or ham mousse. The hot dishes may 
be chicken croquettes, chicken a la king, boned capon, 
creamed oysters or the like. Coffee is now usually placed 
on a side table—the place formerly given to the cham- 
pagne. And it is now customary to place on a side table 
a bowl and dipper with some concoction in it. 


WotR AL PARTY «BATS 


_ When the breakfast has about reached the second 

course and the guests have all paid their respects to the 

bridal couple, the entire bridal party may sit down to 
261 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


breakfast. Unless it is a very small reception, the bridal 
party always sits down, and those of the bridal party 
are the only ones who do sit down to eat at a standing 
breakfast. The bride and groom lead arm in arm, fol- 
lowed by the bridesmaids and ushers. ‘The bride sits at 
her husband’s right and the maid of honor sits at his left, 
while the best man sits at the right of the bride. An 
alternating arrangement is followed out for the rest of 
the wedding attendants. If there is room, brothers and 
sisters of the bridal pair or intimate friends sit at the 
bridal table, and when there are a few or no bridesmaids 
this is always the case. Whether the other guests are 
seated or not, the setting and service at the bride’s table 
are identical. Care should be taken to make this every- 
thing to be desired. 


THE BRIDE CUS "PEC AK 


When the bridal party reaches the dessert course, the 
wedding cake is placed before the bride, who makes the 
' first cut. And the first is all that she does make. She 
makes one cut through the cake and then the cake is 
sent the rounds for each one to cut himself a piece. 
There are little articles placed in silver foil at intervals 
in the cake. They consist of a little wedding ring for 
the “first to be married,” a parrot, cat or similar token 
for the old maid, a wish-bone for the lucky, and a ten- 
cent piece for the one who is to be wealthy. A mark in 
the cake usually shows the side for the gentleman. Their 
favors usually consist of the ring and ten-cent piece, with 
the same significance as for the bridesmaids, and they also 
receive a button or a thimble or a dog for the bachelor, 

262 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and perhaps a pair of tiny dice for the man who is to 
have the lucky chance in life. 

Whatever is left of the wedding cake is usually wrapped 
in tin foil and put away to be opened at the first anni- 
versary. 


WEDDING CAKE FOR THE GUESTS 


Placed either at each place at table or on a small table 
in the hall is the wedding cake to be taken home by the 
guests. This cake is generally a fruit cake, of which a 
small piece is wrapped and placed in a small white paper 
box with a moire design or a grosgrain pattern in the 
paper, and the initials of the bridal pair stamped in silver 
on the cover. The initial design should conform with 
that on the Menu if there is one. A little piece of white 
ribbon is tied around each of the boxes. At a sit-down 
breakfast it is customary to put the boxes at the places 
on the little table, while at the standing breakfast it is of 
course more convenient and systematic to put them on a 
small table in the hall. 


THE ENTERTAINMENT 


As a means of furnishing entertainment at a wedding 
reception nothing is more appropriate and satisfactory 
than dancing. Everyone usually likes to dance with 
the bride and groom, so that on entering, after they have 
had the first dance together, they dance with others of 
their bridal party and as many of the guests as it is 
possible to accommodate. A portion of a dance is usually 
all that is allotted each person. 

263 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


When the people gradually begin to become less nu- 
merous, the bride may signal her bridesmaids and leave 
the room. They gather around the foot of the stairs and 
the bride from the steps above throws her bouquet to the 
group below. The girl who catches the bouquet is sup- 
posed to be the next to marry. 


THE GOOD-BY) TO PARENTS 


It is very natural that the girl leaving for her honey- 
moon is sure to say good-bye to her own parents but in 
the rush and excitement she is very likely to forget her 
husband’s parents, and what is more, in his anxiety to 
be with the bride, the groom himself is apt to forget to 
see his parents. The bride should always see to it that 
the groom’s parents are sent for. It does not often hap- 
pen that they do not come upstairs of their own accord, 
but it does sometimes happen. They are not in their 
own home and may not feel free enough to come up un- 
invited, or they may for some reason be detained. And 
then suddenly comes the mad dash for the motor! The 
groom may have had some idea of seeing his mother as 
he rushed by, and of giving her a hurried kiss and 
rushing on. But when he comes running down there 
is a wild babble, he does not see his mother, he does not 
see anyone, but his mother sees him—and cannot get to 
him, or catch his eye—and then she sees him rush off 
without saying good-by! 


THE GOING AWAY CLOTHES 


Everyone knows of the wedding flight and the hurri- 
cane of “love tokens” hurled after the lucky pair, so 
264 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


that nothing need here be said about that part of the 
departure. But it should be brought out that it is not 
a sign of good manners for a couple to be dressed in 
anything but the regular modest attire ordinarily worn 
for traveling. It makes a difference, of course, where 
one is going. But, no matter where the couple is going, 
the man does not wear his high hat! And the bride 
should wear nothing that woud make her conspicuous, 
any more than she would on any other occasion—sim- 
plicity and modesty should be her aim. 


THE HOUSE WEDDING 


An altar can be very well arranged for a house wedding. 
The caterer knows how to handle this, and with free 
rein can probably improvise an ideal arrangement. 
Whether or not it is done by the caterer or by the groom 
himself does not matter, but with a little ingenuity it 
can be very nicely done. All that is required is a small 
arrangement of some sort to act as a pulpit, before which 
a kneeling bench about six inches high, covered with 
cushions and a cloth of some kind, must be placed. A 
small aisle of ribbons may also be made, and a section 
near the “altar” is set off with ribbons for the family. 
An aisle of low palms is also very pretty. 

The mother of the bride receives at the house wedding. 
She stands at the door of the room in which the ceremony 
is to be held and greets the visitors as they come in. A 
few ushers, rather as a matter of formality than for 
actual utility, may be on hand to show the guests in, 
unless the house is so large that pews have been arranged 
to which the ushers need conduct the guests. But at the 

265 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ordinary house wedding the guests stand behind the 
aisle ribbons on either side. The parents of the groom 
take their places in the section reserved for the family. 

All the arrangements for the processional are made 
-upstairs or in another room. When the customary one 
minute limit has: been allowed and everything is in readi- 
ness, the procession starts, and the bride’s mother goes 
up the aisle to her place in the reserved section. Mean- 
while the clergyman, the best man and groom have, if 
possible, reached the altar by another door, but if there 
is no other means of approach, they go up the aisle a 
short time before the procession starts. All the other 
procedure is exactly the same as in the church wedding, 
with a few exceptions. The groom remains standing 
where he is at the altar, but merely makes a semi-turn 
to meet the bride. There is no recessional. The groom 
kisses the bride, the clergyman goes out, an usher re- 
moves the altar and the prayer bench, and the bridal 
couple are ready to receive the congratulations and good 
wishes of their families and friends. They stand before 
the bower which served as the chancel. 

No one should ever kiss the bride before the groom has 
done so at the conclusion of the ceremony. 


THE WEDDING IN A PUBLIC HALL 


Every detail of the wedding in a public hall is the same 
as those of the house wedding. Varying circumstances 
vary the method of application, but all general arrange- 
ments are the same. For the sake of the home touch, 
one should not resort to a wedding in a public place if 


avoidable. 
266 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE SECOND MARRIAGE 


With the exception that a widow should not wear white 
and orange blossoms and does not have bridesmaids, the 
wedding of a widow is precisely the same as that of a 
maid. Another difference, which may not be laid down 
as a stringent law, is that the wedding of a widow should 
preferably be quiet, but there is no reason why it may not 
be a big wedding. But, with the woman in an afternoon 
street dress and hat, and no bridesmaids, and perhaps 
four ushers, there can not be a very impressive proces- 
sional. 

For a small wedding in a small church, there shoud be 
few flowers and no garlands or other decorations; con- 
ventional and simple dress for an afternoon wedding 
would be the order, and a veil may be worn if it is any 
color but white. A wedding at home permits of an 
evening gown being worn by the widow. On this occa- 
sion also a headdress may be substituted. 

A sit-down breakfast or a simple afternoon tea may 
follow the ceremony, and if the wedding is held at the 
bride’s own house, the couple may stay right there until 
all the guests leave. 

Presents are usually sent on the occasion of the second 
wedding by very intimate friends only; mere acquain- 
tances are not expected to give anything. 


267 





PART UTE 
CHRISTENINGS AND FUNERALS 


G. Man.—J 





CHAPTER I 


CHRISTENINGS 
THE GODPARENTS 


There are two godparents of the same sex as the child, 
and one of the opposite sex. They should be chosen from 
the intimate friends of the parents, not from the relatives, 
unless the relatives are very numerous. This is so be- 
cause the entire purpose of a godparent is to provide 
someone to look after the child in the event of the death 
of both parents. In a sense the selecting of godparents 
adds to the number of relatives of the child, and if god- 
parents are chosen from among the relatives this pur- 
pose is not carried out. 

One must always ask people whether they will act as 
godparents, for the acceptance of such an office means 
the acceptance of considerable responsibility. It is also 
very important to ask none but very intimate friends. 
People seldom reject a request to act as godparents, and 
for this reason one should not impose such an office on 
any but very close friends. It is very proper to ask the 
friends when they come to see the mother, or by letter 
at the time of the announcement of the baby’s arrival, or 
even before. A request to accept a godparentage, since 
it is always sent to an intimate, is always informal. One 
may also telegraph or telephone, making a simple an- 
nouncement of the arrival of the child, and a simple re- 

271 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


quest to the recipient of the message to serve as god- 
parent. 

The godparent always gives the child a present before 
or at the christening. Small silver eating utensils of some 
sort are customarily given, and the name of the child, 
with “From his godfather (or mother)” and the name of 
the godparent engraved on them. But the nature of the 
gift is entirely a matter of personal taste and desire. 


TIME AND PLACE 


It is usually the desire of every mother to have some 
little demonstration on the occasion of the christening of 
her child. The christening may be held at home or at the 
church. Some prefer the home, for the reason that it 
seems to convey more sentimentality to the ceremony 
and others prefer the church for the selfsame reason. It 
is, of course, far more easy to keep the child in better 
spirits if the journey to the church can be eliminated, and 
then, too, the child will look very much prettier in its 
bright unruffled little dress, and it is not likely to suffer 
from the distemper involved in transporting a small child 
to church, etc., and, of course, the danger of its catching 
cold is less if the necessity of going out after the chris- 
_ tening is removed. | 
It is customary to have the christening when the mother 
is able to be up; that is in about two weeks after the birth. 
Some denominations, and sometimes circumstances, de- 
mand an immediate christening. The mother may be car- 
ried in to the room in which the service is to be performed 
and placed in a restful position near the improvised bap- 
tismal font. She is, of course, in negligee and perhaps in 

272i) 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


cap, and none but the family, godparents, and a few very 
intimate friends are present. On such occasion, 1f incon- 
venient, no lunch need be served. 


pre CHURCH CHRISTENING 


Arrangements must be made with the clergyman for 
the christening that is to take place at the church. If it 
is to be a “large’’ christening, it should preferably be set 
for a week-day hour when the church is not in use. But 
if it is to be just a regular small christening it can be 
arranged for a Sunday morning directly after the close 
of the regular service. 

For the “large’’ christening a little decoration may be 
done at the church. A few palms and flowers may be 
placed about the baptismal font, but nothing elaborate is 
done. The guests sit in the front pews near the font. 
The child is divested of coat and hat when the clergyman 
makes his appearance, and the godmother carries the 
child to the font upon the signal from the clergyman. 


The godmother carrying the child stands directly be- 


fore the clergyman and the other godparents stand beside 
her, with the parents and friends close by. It is impor- 
tant that the name of the child be distinctly pronounced 
—if one is particular that the child get the name selected 
for it. There have been occasions on which children have 
been given names other than those intended for them, and 
the name with which a child is christened must stand. 
When the ceremony has been performed the hat and coat 
of the child are replaced and the guests return to the 
home of the parents of the child to partake of a lunch 
or an afternoon tea. 


273 


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THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE HOUSE CHRISTENING 


In general, the arrangements for the house christening 
are like the arrangements for the house wedding. The 
house is decorated with pale seasonal flowers, daisies, 
white lilacs, white or pale chrysanthemums, pale pink 
roses, dogwood, apple blossoms, or other garden blossoms 
and flowers; the essential thing is that the flowers must be 
of a pale color to give the proper tone to the room in 
which the ceremony is performed. The font is, of course, 
improvised. A silver or china bowl—one whose size and 
shape is appropriate—is placed on a little table. The 
covering for the table must also be appropriate; a cloth 
suggestive of church brocade should be used, and it is 
always very pretty to place flowers around the bowl on 
the table. With a little thought and the desire to make the 
most of the facilities it is always possible to produce a 
very pleasing result. 

The clergyman is the first one to take his place at the 
font. He is followed by the godmother carrying the 
baby and the other two godparents. Only these three 
stand at the font, the parents of the child standing with 
the guests at a short distance. When the child has been 
- baptized the godmother holds it again until the balance of 

the service has been completed. 


THE CHRISTENING “TEA” 


Immediately after the ceremony the clergyman changes | 
his vestments for his ordinary clothes and returns to be a 
guest at the tea or luncheon. The christening tea is pre- 
cisely the same as any informal afternoon tea, with the 


274 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


addition of the christening cake and caudle. The caudle 
served at a christening is not the caudle known to cook 
books as gruel, but is generally a hot eggnog served in 
little punch cups. The christening cake should be a white 
“lady” cake. It should be elaborately iced, and may have 
the baby’s initials in ice on the top and may be dressed 
with garlands and pretty little pale colored sugar roses. 
The cake is to be eaten and the caudle is to be drunk to 
the health and prosperity of the little host or hostess. 


INVITATIONS TO CHRISTENINGS 


Formality is not observed in giving invitations to a 
christening unless one is customarily formal with one’s 
intimate friends. In fact, the invitations are usually 
made by telephone, except to those living at a distance. 
Yet it is always correct and polite to send a note. 

Example: 


Dear Mrs. Goopwitt: 

Baby is to be christened at home on Sunday, 
the fifth, at half past four. We hope you and 
Godfrey and the children will come. 

Affectionately, | 
CONSTANT WELLER. 


CHRISTENING DRESS 
THE CHILD 


The most important personage at a christening should 
be elaborately dressed. Everything should be real. Sheer 
and dainty mull trimmed with real valenciennes lace and 

275 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


hand embroidery is preferable. But whether the dress is 
elaborate or as plain as a gingham apron, it should be 
handmade; and no other hand is more fitting to make it 
than the hand of the mother. The child so lucky as to 
inherit the dress worn by some child now grown old is 
blessed indeed. Very little babies are often laid on little 
pillows and carried to the font, and such pillow must 
always be lace-covered, and the lace must be valenciennes. 


THE ATTENDANTS AND GUESTS 


Godmothers wear such clothes as are generally worn 
at afternoon tea. Godfathers wear formal afternoon 
clothes. Guests wear ordinary afternoon clothes, The 


mother wears an afternoon dress of light color, never 
black. 


276 


CHAPTER [I 
FUNERALS 


No one is more fitted to prove the friend in need when 
the inevitable trial comes than the one trained through life 
to thoughtfulness and self-sacrificing kindness. There is 
no time when one so trained can more clearly demonstrate 
the value of the fundamentals of good manners. To 
know what to do and how to do it without the slightest 
trace of presumptiousness, to be helpful and yet not 
show one sign of self or self-assertiveness, to do what is 
best for the unfortunate one and yet not show that one 
that anything is being done that he did not think of doing 
himself, to ease the way throughout, to be the guiding 
spirit in a delicate and trying situation and show no trace 
of self in doing so, these are the things which are the 
valuable assets of the practice of what throughout this 
book has been called Good Manners. 

With the fundamental desire to do for those bereft of a 
dear one must be allied the knowledge of what is gener- 
ally done under such circumstances, what is the cus- 
tomary procedure. This knowledge, combined with the 
ability to perform well the offices requiring calmness and 
control of self, make the well mannered person the main 
support and source of gratitude in the hour of trial. 

The section immediately following is an outline of 
actions to guide the one called upon to attend at the 

“house stricken by remorse. 


277 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


IMMEDIATE DETAILS 


The very first action in the case of death is to see that 
all the blinds in the house are drawn. Those of the im- 
mediate family not already present should be summoned 
at once. The clergyman, the sexton or funeral director, 
and one or two tried and proved friends should next be 
asked to come. Circumstances vary, so that it is useless 
to try to say just what should be done. If there has 
been an attendant, who through service at the bedside, 
has become attached to the family, he or she will be the 
one most qualified to take care of the immediate details. 
Or a near friend whose tact and reliability in a crisis 
may be depended upon may be called. 


THE CARE OF THE BEREAVED 


In the care of the distressed family nothing stands one 
in such good stead as the fundamental desire to serve and 
to extend all possible consideration. To be constantly 
asked if one would like this or that, or if one wants to see 
this friend or that acquaintance, is for the one in grief 
to be given additional burdens. One in deep grief does 
not know what he does want—he generally wants nothing 
but the restoration to life of the one who is hopelessly 
gone forever. He tries to appreciate that his friends feel 
for him, but he cannot think of them. In his distrait 
state of mind he cannot be expected to think clearly about 
things to him external and without the realm of his pres- 
ent distress. Some people seek the comfort of compan- 
-ionship; others do not know where to go to hide from the 
278 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


presence of other people who they feel cannot possibly 
appreciate the depth of their own sorrow. The one in 
attendance should be prompt to analyze which of these 
trains of feeling is followed by the one he is trying to 
serve. If friends are to be kept from the presence of the 
bereaved, it must be done in a gentle manner. Those who 
call to see the family must be told in a very kindly way 
that seeing people only seems to increase the remorse, 
and breaks up the morale of those who are mourning, 
and that if a total breakdown is to be avoided it is bet- 
ter that they call again. But those who call must be 
thanked for their kindness. 

If those in bereavement do not want to see people, 
neither do they want to see food. The one in attendance 
must be very cautious in attempting to get the mourners 
to take nourishment. They must by all means not be asked 
whether they want anything. They should occasionally 
be given some foods that are easily and quickly disposed 
of; foods that require no effort to eat. The chilled sys- 
tem may be warmed by a cup of hot bouillon and a piece 
of warm toast. The person offering this may say, “Come, 
take this; it will do you so much good,” rather as a com- 
mand than a request; and then he should stay right 
there to see that his “command” is carried out. Cold 
milk and cold snacks should not be offered; there is 
something about the steaming cup of tea or coffee that is 
hard to resist even under very distressing circumstances. 


ARRANGEMENTS FOR THE FUNERAL 


Many little details are to be taken care of that not 
even the dearest friend could decide, nor would want to 


279 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


decide without the consideration of the immediate fam- 
ily. Arangements for the funeral must be completed. 
It must be decided whether it is to be a church or a 
house service, where the interment is to be held, whether 
there are to be special flowers and music, the kind of a 
casket to be ordered, the dress to be put on the body, and 
numerous other delicate questions that no one would at- 
tempt to decide for the family. 


MATTERS TO BE DISPENSED BY THE PRIEND 


NOTICE TO FRIENDS AND RELATIVES 


There are numerous friends, acquaintances, and rela- 
tives to be sent for. The very intimate friend who is 
taking general charge of details may send for those of 
whom he knows and thinks, and he may check up with 
one of the family to be certain that he has forgotten none. 
Notification is sent only to friends expected to come at 
once to the house, others are advised through the an- 
nouncement placed in the papers. 


NOTICE TO NEWSPAPERS 


The funeral director is usually expected to see that the 
announcement of death is placed in the daily newspapers, 
together with the funeral information. The friend in 
charge may see to it that the family decides on the form 
of notice to be printed and that the funeral director 
takes care of its publication. No other announcements 
are customarily sent out; those not specially notified are 
expected to read the notices in the papers, and when the 
notice states that the funeral will be private and there is 

280 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


no information as to time and place given, that is an indi- 
cation that a general attendance is not desired, and that 
intimate friends may inquire at the house. The news- 
paper notices are paid for by the funeral director if he 
orders them, and are added to his bill. 


ATTENDANCE AT THE DOOR 


The friend in charge should always try to be within 
range of the house door to answer all questions that do 
not require the attention of the family. This duty may 
also be performed by a male member of the family. 
People who call for information and to offer their assist- 
ance can thus be attended to without much demonstra- 
tion. Those who are kind enough to offer their help 
may be assigned some of the little commissions that seem 
so innumerable and must be taken care of in so short 
a space of time. 


THE BELL HANGING 


Crépe streamers are usually hung under the bell at the 
door by the funeral director. The prime purpose of this 
hanging is to give notification that the occupants of. the 
house are in mourning, and the secondary purpose is to 
prevent the bell being rung unnecessarily. 

The streamers hung at the bell are white for the death 
of a child, black and white for a young person, and black 
for an older person. A florist is generally ordered to 
hang white flowers or white gauze or ribbon on the 
streamers hung for a child, white violets, carnations, or 
any white flower without leaves on the streamers for a 
young woman or man, and purple violets or other purple 
flowers on the black streamers for a grown person. 

281 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


HONORARY PALLBEARERS 


The one who is attending to general arrangements will 
arrange with six or eight men who are close friends of 
the deceased to act as pallbearers. These men may be 
asked to serve when they come to the house or they may 
be called by telephone. A man prominent in public life 
may have twelve or more pallbearers constituted of his 
closest business or political and social friends. For the 
funeral of a young woman, her own or family friends 
may be chosen. 

Honorary pallbearers do not actually carry the casket. 
They merely walk down the aisle (honorary pallbearers 
only serve at a church funeral) before the coffin. The 
coffin is carried by the men of the funeral director’s staff. 
Some people still prefer to have the honorary pallbearers 
come to the house on the morning of the funeral and 
accompany the coffin from the house to the hearse and 
then drive along to the church, but the general custom 
to-day seems to be to have them go directly to the church 
and wait in the vestibule. 


THE FRIEND MAY CHECK EXPENDITURES 


It is dreadfully shocking to have to say that it is very 
necessary that someone not directly connected with the 
bereaved family, and not directly afflicted with the deep 
sorrow should check up on the direct expenses to be in- 
curred for the burial. Whether it is through long con- 
nection with the sadness of death, or whether it is some 
people’s conception of business to get what they can and 
to sell anything and everything possible whether or not 
the buyer can use it or afford it, the bald fact remains that 

282 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


too many funeral directors bury their consciences and 
take advantage of those afflicted, to the extent of offering 
the most elaborate arrangement regardless of whether 
or not the family will be in a position to conveniently 
meet the bill. The friend who has the family’s interest at 
heart, who is ready to pocket his pride and devote 
a little effort, should check up to be certain that arrange- 
ments not in keeping with good taste and the purse 
of the people expected to pay, are not being literally 
forced on them. 


IN MOURNING 


MOURNING CLOTHES 


The mourning dress to be worn for the funeral need 
not be absolutely all newly acquired apparel. It is not 
expected that the family will consider expense, but a con- 
scientious woman friend who comes to the house, may 
take the liberty of looking over the clothes on hand, and 
very likely numerous articles may be found that will save 
the momentary expenditure of time and money required 
. to buy new articles. Those things that must be bought 
can be procured from dressmaking establishments within 
twenty-four hours. Perfect fit is not considered for the 
occasion of the funeral, for alterations can be made later. 
The big department stores are nearly all prepared to send 
mourning apparel to the house on approval. This per- 
mits of selection at home, which is a decided convenience 
for the sadly bereaved who do not feel that they want to 
leave the house. To further relieve such a situation, 
women friends can usually find enough black veils and 
such things to bridge a trying situation; if not, they may 

283 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


offer to go out and attend to the buying of such little 
things that most any woman can buy for another. 

The man, of course, must buy a ready made outfit if 
he has no black clothes. 


OLD CUSTOM SIMPLIFIED 


The solemn vigil through long, wearisome nights is no 
longer customary, except in the case of a personage 
whose body is lying in state for a public ceremony. The 
very clothes in which the corpse is buried are no longer 
expected to be anything but plain attire. In fact, it is 
not unheard of to-day to keep the body of the deceased 
in bed or on a sofa in night clothes or a wrapper, with 
flowers, but not with funeral pieces about the room. 
This is done so that an invalid may see the body, and 
in cases where the sadness is so very deep that the sight 
of a coffin would emphasize the distraction. 


THE CHURCH PUNERAL 


It will always remain a matter of personal opinion and 
preference whether the church or the house funeral is 
the more desirable. The church funeral is thought by 
many to be more trying, because of the long march down 
the church aisle, and the prolongation of the sadness al- 
ready suffered at the house. Others find the church 
services more gratifying, more in the true nature of the 
giving of the last rites. The accompanying music of the 
organ adds such profound depth, the singing of the choir, 
the atmosphere of the church itself make a combination 
of what is thought by many to be absolutely requisite to 

284 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the proper service for the passing of a dear one. Some 
carry out what the deceased would have wished. 


ARRANGING AND RECORDING THE FLOWERS 


One or two woman friends of the family must volun- 
teer to go to the church an hour or so before the service 
to attend to the arrangement of the flowers about the 
chancel; also to remove the envelopes attached to the 
pieces and write on the outside of each envelope the kind 
of flowers sent and the nature of the design. These 
memorandums supply the necessary information in later 
writing notes of thanks. The actual decoration of the 
chancel should not be attempted by novices without the 
assistance of a professional florist, for the ceremony is 
too solemn to warrant risking a poor arrangement. 


THE CONGREGATION COMES IN 


About ten minutes before the hour set, the organ be- 
gins to play, and the congregation begins to come in. The 
first six or eight pews on either side of the aisle should 
never be occupied. They should be reserved for the 
funeral party. 

THE PROCESSIONAL 


The funeral procession forms in the vestibule of the 
church. If the service is to be accompanied by choral 
singing, the minister and the choir form a part of the pro- 
cession, the choir leading usually in song, with the clergy- 
man next; then come the pallbearers in twos, followed by 
the coffin. The chief mourner and companion follow im- 
mediately after the coffin, and the rest of the family fol- 
lows in the order of relation. If the chief mourner is a 
woman, she leans on the arm of her nearest male relative, 


285 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and usually each woman is escorted by a man. The chil- 
dren generally follow the parents in twos, the older fol- 
lowed by the younger, and when there is an odd child, a 
relative, usually a woman, walks with this child. If the 
deceased is the father of a family of girls, the eldest girl 
may walk with the mother, or the mother’s brother or 
son-in-law may accompany the mother. A grandmother 
goes with the eldest grandson or granddaughter. If the 
funeral is that of a woman, the husband may walk alone 
or in company with his mother or eldest daughter. These 
are arrangements which are flexible, however, for it is 
always best to put those next to one another who can 
give each other most comfort. 


AT THE CHANCEL 


The choir takes its place in the chancel, the clergyman 
stands at the foot of the chancel steps, the honorary pall- 
bearers stand in the pews at the left until the coffin has 
been put on the stand placed for it, and until the family 
has taken its place in the pews on the right. Then all 
sit down, while the men who bore the coffin walk quietly 
to a side aisle and stand there. The rest of the people 
of the procession take places on either side. 


THE RECESSIONAL 


The order for the recessional is the same as that for 
the processional, except of course, that the clergyman 
and the choir do not take part. Flowers in a funeral 
procession are not meant for display. The carriages or 
motors in which they are placed merely serve the utili- 
tarian purpose of conveying the flowers to the grave, 
and hence should be closed conveyances. 

286 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THOSE WHO ATTEND THE BURIAL 


Besides the family, those who go to the interment are 
limited. Intimate friends are asked whether they care 
to go to the burial. If the church happens to be within 
walking distance of the graveyard, the congregation fol- 
lows the procession to the graveside, but the general 
attendance of everybody who only slightly knew the de- 
ceased, and the funeral procession blocks and blocks in 
length, have gone into the discard with many of the other 
more elaborate and unreasonable customs. 


THE HOUSE FUNERAL 


To many people the house funeral is the more desirable. 
In the shelter of their homes they manage to bear their 
sorrow with more ease than they could possibly display 
in public. Called upon to face a congregation, many 
people break down pitifully. At the house funeral they 
may remain upstairs or in another room where they can 
hear the service and yet be unseen. 


ARRANGEMENT 


Specific information for the arrangement of the room 
in which the service is to be held need not be given, The 
funeral director and a member of the family usually de- 
cide these questions together. A friend of the family 
may arrange the flowers and remove the cards and make 
notes of the nature of the pieces, so that the acknowledg- 
ments can be intelligently written. If no especial floral 
blanket is ordered for the casket, the pieces sent ‘by the 
family are usually placed there. It is advisable that no 

287 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


flowers be sent by friends to the small house. A great 
number of flowers are overpowering. It should be re- 
quested in the funeral notices that flowers be omitted. 


THE SERVICE 


Much detail can be taken off the hands of the immedi- 
ate family by the friends who attend the door and see 
that everything is taken care of. Everything that is done 
must be quietly done, and yet in the cramped quarters of 
the room in which the service is to be held it is very diffi- 
cult for people to move about conveniently. The utmost 
possible quiet must be maintained, however, and con- 
versation must not be indulged in, unless absolutely 
necessary. The front row of seats is always reserved for 
the family if it is to be present. 

When the people arrive, they are shown right into the 
room where the ceremony is to be held. Women keep 
their wraps on and gentlemen either keep their over- 
coats on or carry them, and they always carry their hats. 
If the family is present, the members take their seats at 
the hour set for the service. The women wear small 
hats or toques, with long back crépe veils over their 
faces. The clergyman takes his place at the head of 
the coffin. 


MUSIC 


Those who object to the house funeral do so largely 
on the ground that the house funeral lacks the solemnity 
of the church service. The playing of the organ and the 
singing of the choir makes the service more impressive. 
_It is not possible to have the music of the organ at the 
house funeral, and an orchestra is not appropriate. The 


288 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


human voice is the most beautiful and impressive musical 
interpretation, and if arrangements can be made, this is 
certainly the ideal accompaniment for the house funeral 
service. 


TRANSFORMING THE HOUSE 


After the ordeal of the mourning period, the family 
usually returns home wearied, but feeling somehow that 
the inevitable has happened and that there is no further 
help for it. During their absence a friend should stay 
at the house to have things restored to normal order. The 
hangings are usually removed by a man from the funeral 
director’s, and the camp chairs and other funeral require- 
ments are also immediately taken away. The blinds 
should be raised and the windows opened wide to drive 
out the preponderant scent of flowers, and all possible 
traces of the recent mournful arrangements should be 
removed. A small hot luncheon should also be prepared 
for the returning mourners. They may have no desire to 
eat, but if it is given them they will take it, and their 
bodies are usually so run down and chilled, that the con- 
sumption of some hot broth or the like will accomplish 
much toward replenishing their undermined strength and 
Spirits. 


IN MOURNING CLOTHES 


With the great increase in breadth of vision, and the 
simplifying of many old and staid customs, the habit of 
prescribing definite periods for different degrees of 
mourning has also become somewhat modified. The trend 
is toward the manifestation of sincerity. One does not 

289 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wear black for aunts and uncles unless the ties of affec- 
tion are very strong. Some people believe in demonstrat- 
ing their faith in the belief that death is but the rebirth 
into another life by wearing clothes that bespeak joy 
rather than sorrow; but the number who actually carry 
out such contentions when a dear one is taken away are 
as yet very few. 


CONSIDERATION FOR THOSE IN MOURNING 


People in mourning prefer not to be drawn into con- 
versation at all. They like to go to and fro with as little 
show or interruption as possible. One should not stop 
them to chatter about trivialities, or about their recent 
misfortune. It is best taste to just merely shake hands, 
say a word or two of a general nature and then go on. 
It is indeed consoling to be able to say that most people 
do their utmost to ease the way of the one in sadness. 
Occasionally some thoughtless person will meet an ac- 
quaintance and deliberately ask on whose behalf the 
mourning attire is being worn. These are the people who 
gather in a room before a funeral service and review all 
the cases of death that have ever come to their notice, in 
a voice that to them may seem low, but to others is grat- 
ingly harsh. 


MOURNING MATERIALS 


Simplicity and lack of all luster or shine are the re- 
quisites for mourning wear. Satins and shining silks, 
cut velvet, patent leather shoes and stockings of fancy 
weave, shining jet or silver; none of these may be worn 
as mourning attire. Lustreless silks, dull taffeta, uncut 
velvet, plain or hemstitched lace, wool, and things gener- 

290 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


ally lacking brightness are considered mourning wear. 
The decree that an entire costume of white is signifi- 
cant of deepest mourning indicates that white shoes, 
gloves, hat and belt must also be worn, for if any of 
these were black the costume would be that worn for 
second mourning. 


SECOND MOURNING 


Black and white, or gray and mauve, are the customary 
colors for people in second mourning. In this period of 
mourning one may not wear satin embroidered with silver 
or trimmed with jet or lace. The display of shiny and 


glittering materials and trimmings is just as unfitting for _ 


the second mourning as it is for the first. Jewelry, ex- 
cept perhaps a single string of beads and one ring, is 
not in good taste. 


MOURNING WEAR FOR THE WIDOW 


Lustreless silks or wool with deep-hemmed turn back 
collar and cuffs of white organdy constitute good 
mourning wear for a widow. A long crépe veil, or one 
of nun’s veiling, over a little crépe bonnet with white 
ruching cap-border, extends to the bottom edge of the 
skirt in front and back. After three months the front 
veil may be put back from the face, but the back veil 
should be worn two years. These details may be some- 
what altered if desirable; the widow of middle age 
need not wear the veil over the face after the funeral, 
and the veil down the back may be worn all her days if she 
prefers. But the conventional custom is to leave off the 
veil and the crepe after the second year and to go into 
second mourning after the third year. Shorter periods 

291 


Pra 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


of mourning are coming into greater practice as time 
goes on, and some people arrange the periods of mourn- 
ing wear so that the entire period covers not more than | 
two or three years. 


THE VEIL 


Under all ordinary circumstances the woman in deep 
mourning wears a crepe veil. It may be left off, how- 
ever, when going with a friend to a public place of amuse- 
ment or entertainment, or to a restaurant. There is 
absolutely nothing wrong in an occasional visit to a moy- 
ing-picture theater or a matinée. It should not be ex- 
pected that one stay at home at all times; a little diversion 
of a simple sort is very necessary to keep the person in 
mourning from despondency. On such occasion a small 
face veil over the hat may be substituted for the crepe 


veil. 
THE YOUNG WIDOW 


For the young widow the mourning period need never 
be extended longer than two years. For a year she 
should wear deep crépe, then lighter mourning for six 
months, and then second mourning for another six 
months. Should the young widow find consolation in 
another man and become engaged before her mourning 
period is over, she should cease to wear mourning. A 
year should always be allowed to intervene before chang- 
ing to the happier colors of other circumstances. 


THE MOTHER IN MOURNING 


Everything about the mourning attire of the mother 
who has lost a child is the same as that worn by the 
widow, with the exception of the white cap ruching. The 

292 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


duration of the period of mourning for a child must be 
determined by the mother; some wear mourning for a 
lost child all their days, others do not believe that one 
should wear deep crépe, then lighter mourning for six 
the spirit that was young and vivid. For babies or chil- 
dren that were very young the mother should wear white 
or gray or mauve without colors. 


THE DAUGHTER OR SISTER IN MOURNING 


At the funeral a young daughter or sister wears a veil 
down to her waist or longer. The same kind of veil is 
worn for at least three months and should preferably be 
worn for a year. It may be worn longer, too; that all 
depends upon the age and the sincerity of feeling. For 
the girl who is actively engaged, a thin net veil with 
an edging of crépe, reaching a short way down her 
back, is sign enough of her sincerity, and she may, if she 
wishes and feels that way, wear none at all. 

Girls of from fourteen to eighteen wear black for six 
months and then black and white, and, of course, they 
never wear veils or crépe for trimming. Children be- 
tween the ages of eight and fourteen wear gray and black 
or white and black as a token of mourning for a parent, 
grandparent, or brother or sister. Tots under eight are 
never put in mourning, but their clothes should be selected — 
with a view to avoiding bright colors. A little girl may 
also wear a black hair ribbon and a little boy may wear 
a black tie. 


MOURNING WEAR IN THE COUNTRY 


It is very inappropriate to wear crépe veils and crépe 
trimmings in the country, except at church. Those in 


293 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


mourning who go to the country for the summer need 
only wear all black with white organdy collar and cuffs, 
a plain black serge or tweed suit, or a suit of black lustre- 
less silk or some other plain material in black, with a 
plain hat with a brim and no veil. 


A WORD ON PROPRIETY 


The flexibility of the rules for mourning attire should 
not be taken as license to exceed by far their limitations. 
Extremes in ali circumstances are not the evidences of 
good manners and good sense. One may make the rules 
for mourning attire fit one’s individual personality and 
liking, but one must always be governed by what is 
deemed proper. 


MOURNING WEAR FOR MEN 


A black arm band from three and a half to four inches 
in width, and a black hatband, varying in width with the 
degree of mourning, is the extent to which a man is 
required to go in his expression of mourning. On hats 
for daily wear the black band is from two and a half to 
three inches in breadth, and on high hats it varies from 
a half inch to two and a half inches, The sleeve band is 
of broadcloth for overcoats or winter clothes, and of 
serge for summer clothes, The black suit brought for 
the funeral should be worn Sundays to church and on 
other special occasions. Occasionally a wealthy widower 
changes his entire wardrobe to black, but the man of 
average means cannot afford such outlay. The sleeve 
band and the hatband, black ties and black shoes and 
socks are sufficient evidence that a man is sincere in 
his feelings. 


204 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


DURATION OF MOURNING PERIOD FOR MEN 


Customs for men vary little from those given for 
women, except, of course, that the mourning attire is 
more simple. But a widower is not to be seen at a dance 
or in a box at the opera, or at any other place that brings 
him into public attention for at least a year. A son 
should not take part in public entertainments for a year, 
and a brother not for six months. The father who has 
lost a child may suit his own inclination and feeling, but 
it may safely be said that a year is not too long to observe 
the mourning rules in this case. 


ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF SYMPATHY 


It is not necessary to do more than just write “Thank 
you,” or “Thank you kindly for all sympathy,” on a 
visiting card as an acknowledgment of the effort on the 
part of friends to express their sympathy. But this must 
be done! No one who is truly in mourning will ever 
shirk the opportunity of expressing thanks for the sym- 
pathy offered on the death of the dear one. It is as much 
an obligation to the memory of the dead person as it is 
an obligation of courtesy to the living one, perhaps more 
so. While people do not look for or expect to receive 
letters of acknowledgment for flowers sent or assistance 
given, and while the existing card with the few words is 
sufficient, a few extra words on a sheet of letter paper 
_ are a bit more expressive. One may say: 


“You expressed difficulty in finding words to 
frame your feeling of sympathy, but what you 


295 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


did for us expressed in a most perfect way your 
sincerity, and places us in the position where 
we cannot find words adequate to express our 
thanks,” 


“Your flowers were so beautiful, dear Mrs. 
Goodwill. Mother wishes me to express her 
thanks as well as my own.” 


“Thank you for your beautiful flowers and 
your kind message of sympathy.” 


If the one to whom the messages of sympatny and the 
flowers were sent is unable to fulfill the obligation, an- 
other member of the family may assume the duty, and 
express the thanks in the name of that person. But the 
notes must have a personal touch. 

Engraved cards may only be sent to strangers when 
the list of acknowledgments is very long, as in the case 
of a prominent person to whom letters and messages of 
sympathy pour in by the hundreds. The form may be 
engraved as follows: 


Mr. George W. Pillard 
gratefully acknowledges your 
kind expression of sympathy. 


Or a card may be used on which the name of the per- 
son to whom the acknowledgment is addressed is written 
in ink: | 

Judge and Mrs. Henry Van Alst 
wish to express their sincere appreciation of 
(name of person addressed ) 
sympathy in their recent bereavement 
296 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Such cards must under no circumstances be sent to 
intimate friends who sent flowers or wrote letters. 


OBLIGATIONS TO OTHERS IN CASE 
OF DEATH 


A mere acquaintance need not do more than leave his 
card at the house where the death has occurred. The card 
may also be sent. But an intimate acquaintance or friend 
must go at once to the house and leave a card with “In 
sympathy,” or some such expression, written on it; or a 
letter must be written. In either case flowers must be 
sent with a card attached bearing another message of 
sympathy. Only very intimate friends disregard the 
notice not to send flowers. Or when the notice not to 
send flowers is issued, you may send a few flowers after 
the funeral with a note to the member of the family who 
is your particular friend. 

If the funeral is to be private, you should not go 
without a request from some member of the family, 
unless you are so good a friend that you may presume 
to go without being asked. When there is a general 
funeral, you should go, even though your acquaintance 
with the family is but slight. But one should not go 
to a funeral or leave cards when one has never been at 
the house of the family in bereavement. On the other 
hand, those who have frequently been at such house, or 
have had business or other relations with the deceased, 
or those who are intimate friends of some member of the 
family, must not be lax in performing the obligations 
devolving upon them. Laxity in the case of death is an 
unforgivable, and a really cruel fault. Few reasons are 


297 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


acceptable as excuses for failure to do one’s duty when 
death has called. 

Black clothes should be worn if possible, or at least 
one must wear the darkest that one has. The church 
should be quietly entered, and one should never sit too far 
front, unless intimately acquainted with the family. 


298 





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a PART IV 
eo FORMAL PROCEDURE | 





CHAPTER [ 


THE FORMAL DINNER 


The dinner described in Chapter III of Part I of this 
book, while intended as a description of a small dinner, 
is fully given as a semi-formal occasion. All the proce- 
dure is based on formal custom, and all the important 
points are mentioned. But this book is not intended for 
those who are in a position to give a very big and elab- 
orate dinner with unlimited equipment and practically 
unlimited service, including butlers, footmen, door at- 
tendants, etc. In fact, the entire plan of this book is 
based on the contention that those who are in a position 
to give such elaborate dinners need no recourse to a book 
of instruction. And those who are so fortunate as to be 
guests at such dinners, most likely need no instructions 
as to personal behavior. For those who want the infor- 
mation on personal behavior, all details are clearly set 
forth in the chapter mentioned above. Conduct at all 
other occasions is also covered in other chapters of this 
book, while details of the more elaborate functions are 
given in full in this chapter for those who may be 
interested. 

A brief resumé of the important points to be remem- 
bered by those aspiring to success in dinner giving fol- 
lows, merely to qualify what has already been given in 
Chapter III of Part I. 

G, Man.—K 301 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THINGS TO BE REMEMBERED IN DINNER 
GIVING 


Guests—Select people who are congenial and favorable 
to one another, and, what is more important, 
be sure to place people together at table who 
are sure to get along well in conversation. 

Food—Have a suitable menu—have the hot dishes hot 
and the cold ones cold. 

Table Furnishing—Linen must be faultlessly lundered, 
silver perfectly polished, and all other table 
accoutrements must be suitable to the occa- 
sion and the surroundings. 

Service—Have enough expert dining-room servants to 
be certain of the best possible service, proper 
dishing and presentation of food. 

Drawing Room—The room must be large enough to 
accommodate the number of guests invited, 
and so arranged that nothing can be found 
lacking. 

Reception—Cordiality and hospitality combined in the 
host, poise and charm and perfect manners 
embodied in the hostess are requisite. 

It is to be remembered that the large formal dinner 1s 

hot something to be attempted by the novice. Practice 

only can fit one to give a perfectly managed formal din- 
ner. And the necessity for perfection increases with the 
size and formality of the occasion. It is also to be re- 
membered that those who give large formal dinners are 
the occupants of large houses with practically unlimited 
resources at hand; a secretary to prepare the lists, and 
302 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


invitations, and to attend to all the other arrangements, 
so that the lady who gives the dinner has nothing else to 
do but to set the date—and then to be there at the time. 
And, to repeat, the person who is so equipped is also 
equipped with the basic element, the “know how” to do it. 

The other methods of formal procedure given in the 
succeeding chapters are given not so that the readers 
may know how to arrange such functions, but rather 
that they may be familiar with all details, so that any of 
us who may be invited to any such affairs may know how 
to act. 


393 


CHAPTER II 


FORMAL INVITATIONS, ACCEPT- 
ANCES AND REGRETS 


INVITATION TO A FORMAL BALL 


All formal invitations are engraved on cards of thin 
white Bristol board. They may be stamped plain with 
the coat of arms of the house if there is one, but mono- 
grams and other devices are not used. The size of the 
cards is optional, but the conventional size is from four 
to four and a half inches in width and from three to four 
and a half inches in height. The lettering should pre- 
ferably be plain, scrolls and trimmings are in bad taste, 
but the style of letter is a matter of personal choice. The 
initials R. s. v. p. are correct with the “R” in capital and 
the other letters small, for these letters represent the 
French phrase, “Répondez, s’il vous plait” (which 
means, “Respond, if you please”), and in the full phrase 
only the “R” is a capital. Actually the use of all the 
initials in capitals is incorrect, but the form is accepted. 
Note paper, like that used for wedding invitations, is 
occasionally used. 

In the strictest sense of the word, an invitation to a 
private ball is not an “invitation to a ball” at all, for the 
word “ball” never appears on anything but an invitation 
to a public ball. For example, the invitation to a public 
ball might read: ) 


304 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The Committee of the Elm Club 
requests the pleasure of your company 
at a Ball 
to be held in the Elm Clubhouse 
on the evening of November the fifth 
_ at ten o’clock 
for the benefit of the 
Children’s Fund 
Tickets Five Dollars 


Regardless of where the private ball is held, however, 
the invitations always state that Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So 
will be “At Home,” and the word “Dancing” is placed 
in the lower right corner, the lower left corner being 
used for the request for an answer or the information 
as to where the answer is to be sent. 

Examples : 


Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee 
At Home 
On Tuesday the seventh of December 
at ten o’clock 
oo West Fiftieth Street 


The favor of an answer Dancing 
is requested 


Mr. and Mrs Billingsbee Allan 
At Home 
On Monday the sixth of January 
at ten o’clock 
Hotel Sphinx 


Kindly send reply to Dancing 
Two Wellborn Street 


395 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The type for the engraving may be script or block 
letter, plain or shaded. When the both letters of the “at 
home” line are in capitals, the most punctilious invitation 
possible has been attained. Simplicity of form is expres- 
sive of dignity. Nothing but the prescribed style, and 
the simplest card is permissible. 


INVITATION TO A BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE 
DAUGHTER 


The proper form for an invitation to a ball given for 
a débutante daughter is as follows: 


Mr. and Mrs. Billingsbee Allan 
request the pleasure of 
(name of person invited here) 
company at a dance in honor of their daughter 
Miss Genevieve Billingsbee 
on Monday evening, the fourth of December 
at ten o'clock 
oo West Parkville Avenue 
R: s. v. p. 


The following is also correct: 


Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee 
Miss Genevieve Billingsbee 
request the pleasure of 
EtCy, ‘ETC, 


But though the following is sometimes used, it is not 
strictly correct: 


306 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee 
Miss Genevieve Billingsbee 
At Home, 
etc., etc. 


If the dance is given for a young friend, the invitations 
are the same with the name of the friend given in place 
of the daughter’s. 


ASKING FOR AN INVITATION FOR A FRIEND 


Though one may not ask for an invitation for oneself, 
one may ask an invitation for a friend to an entertain- 
ment of a general nature, but never to a luncheon or 
dinner. It is especially permissible to ask an invitation 
for a house-guest. 

Example: 


Dear Mrs. PROMINENT, 

My nephew from Baltimore, Johnson Bigbey, 
is staying with us. 

May Judith take him to the dance on Wed- 
nesday? Please do not hesitate to say frankly 
if it will be inconvenient. 

Very sincerely 
Mar TELLER BRONSON 


Answer: 


DEAR Mrs. Bronson, 
I shall be delighted to have Judith bring Mr. 
Bigbey on the seventh. 
Sincerely yours, 
APOLLONIA PROMINENT 
307 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The mother of a young girl should always do the ask- 
ing for her, but an older girl may ask for herself, in the 
same general way described above. The message may 
also be sent by telephone. A man may ask for an invi- 
tation for a friend. 


CARD OF GENERAL INVITATION 


For the hostess who entertains a great deal, a card 
engraved in blank may serve for dinner, luncheon, dance 
or any other general entertainment. For the important 
entertainment, the invitations are always especially en- 
graved, so that nothing is written but the name of the 
person invited. 

Example of card in blank: 


Mrs. Billingsbee 
requests the pleasure of 


company at 
on 
at o’clock 
oo Parkville Place 


INVITATIONS TO TEAS AND RECEPTIONS 


Reception and tea invitations are practically the same 
as those used for balis, but the cards are a trifle smaller 
and the words “At Home” are changed to “will be at 
home” (all in small letters), and the name of the débu- 
tante for whom the tea is given is always placed under 
the name of her mother. If an older sister or the bride 

308 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


of a brother is to take part in the tea, the name of this 
lady is placed above that of the débutante. Unless the 
occasion is a particularly special one, the name of the 
father is, of course, not put on the card. 


THE FORMAL WRITTEN INVITATION 


If the formal invitation to luncheon or dinner is written 
instead of engraved, note paper is used and the form 
and spacing of the engraved invitation is followed exactly. 
The note paper for the formal invitation may bear the 
regular address stamp, but the telephone number must 
not appear. The notes are, of course, written in the third 
person, and names usually spelled out must also be 
spelled out in the written invitation. If well done the 
written invitation is indeed acceptable; it adds a 
personal touch that is unobtainable by any mechanical 
form. 


RECALLING AN INVITATION 


A “recall” is printed in the following form: 


Owing to sudden illness 
Mr. and Mrs. Allan Billingsbee 
are obliged to recall their invitations 
for Wednesday the fifth of April 


A postponement is made precisely the same way, and if 
the date cannot be stated, nothing is said. When a wed- 
ding is broken off, the announcement is simply made as 
follows: 


309 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


Mr. and Mrs. Alexander Bolling 
announce 
that the marriage of their daughter 
Helen Rita 
and 
Mr. Vincent Alwell 
will not take place. 


FORMAL ACCEPTANCE OR REGRET 


Formal acceptances and regrets are always written; a 
printed form is vulgar. All acceptances are made in the 
same identical way, and the regrets are all made the same 
way, with exception of the reasons, which should be 
truthfully stated. Acceptances and regrets are discussed 
further in Chapter III, of Part I. 


INVITATIONS IN THE SECOND PERSON 
Are discussed in Chapter III, of Part I. 


VISITING CARD INVITATIONS 


Are discussed in the chapter on Cards and Visits. 


INVITATIONS TO A COUNTRY HOUSE 


An invitation to a country house is always informal 
and is written. Those invited are usually intimate or at 
least acquainted, and the language is naturally what 
might be expected to pass between people well acquainted. 


THE INVITATION BY TELEPHONE 


Is discussed in Chapter III, of Part I. 
310 


CHAPTER ITI 


TEAS AND AFTERNOON PARTIES 


The word “tea” is not nearly so dangerous as it may 
sound. A modern tea is not like its forebear, the “recep- 
tion” of old. Teas to-day, even though formal, are 
the epitome of friendliness. One does not go dressed 
in the Sunday-go-to-meeting best, nor does one assume 
an Over-ceremonious manner; in short, one goes to see 
one’s friends. 


THE AFTERNOON TEA AND DANCE 


A tea with dancing is usually arranged to “bring out” 
a daughter or to present a new daughter-in-law. The 
invitations, regardless of the number, are the same as 
described in the previous chapter, and such invitations 
are usually sent to the general visiting list, so that it is 
necessary to engage the ballroom of a hotel. Whether 
or not one takes the large or small ballroom is dependent 
upon the number of guests expected. 

The arrangements for an afternoon tea are not very 
elaborate. A screen of palms to “hide” the musicians, a 
cluster of greens here and there, and a table or two to 
hold the flowers received by the débutante, furnish all 
the decoration. The curtains of the ballroom or the 
drawing-room are always drawn and the lights are 
lighted as for a ball. Guests are announced either by 


311 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the hostess’ own butler or by the caterer’s “announcer.” 
The hostess and her daughter or daughter-in-law receive 
together, but after receiving for an hour or so the débu- 
tante may be allowed to dance. As soon as the younger 
people have been received, they dance; the older ones 
sit about and talk with friends, and take tea. 


THE MENU AND SERVICE 


A formal tea is arranged very much like the wedding 
standing breakfast. A large table is set with all sorts 
of sandwiches, hot biscuits, muffins, sliced cakes, little 
cakes of all varieties and shapes, chocoiate, bouillon and 
tea. Nothing that does not come under the heading of 
bread and cake is permissible, if the tea is to remain a 
tea, and not become a “reception.” At the ends of the 
table there are bowls of cold drinks for the dancers. 
Guests go to the tables and help themselves. The cater- 
er’s men attend the table, that is, keep it replenished with 
food and cups, etc. Chocolate already poured into cups, 
with whipped cream on top is passed on a tray by a 
servant, and tea poured in cups, accompanied by a small 
pitcher of cream, bowl of sugar and a dish of lemon is 
served the same way. 


AFTERNOON TEAS WITHOUT DANCING 


Ordinarily the afternoon tea means nothing more than 
being at home on a specified afternoon. In the winter, 
the blinds and curtains are drawn, the room is lighted 
and a large tea table is spread in the dining room, or a 
small one is spread near the hearth in the drawing room. 

Usually afternoon teas serve the purpose of honoring 

312 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a visiting celebrity, an engaged couple, a house guest 
from another city, new neighbors, or to “warm” a new 
house. The invitations are merely visiting cards, with 
“To meet Mrs. Houever,” written across the top and the 
date and “Tea at 4 o’clock” written in the lower corner 
opposite the address. — 

Unless the person for whom the tea is given is such a 
celebrity that the tea becomes rather a reception, the 
hostess does not stand at the door to receive. She merely 
stands near enough to be easily found by those coming in. 


THE SERVICE 


When there are as many as twenty or more guests 
at a tea, two intimate friends especially invited for the 
purpose serve at the table in the dining room. Their 
service consists of pouring tea at one end of the table and 
chocolate at the other. These ladies are selected gener- 
ally for their appearance and manners. They wear after- 
noon dresses and hats, which distinguish them from the 
other guests, who are in street dress. 

One need not know the ladies at the table to go into 
the dining room and say, “May I have a cup of tear” 
The lady will probably say, “Certainly! How do you 
prefer it? Strong or weak?” Then she will watch for 
you to signify “when.” One does not rush up, grasp 
a cup of tea or chocolate and rush away again. If the 
lady “at the table’s end” is occupied, she may merely 
smile, but when she is unoccupied a few words are ex- 
changed, while the guest drinks, and eats a sandwich or 
a little cake. If another guest comes into the dining 
room meanwhile, the first one may go away unnoticed 


313 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


when she has finished. If the table hostess is still unoc- 
cupied the guest may simply nod a good-by and leave. 
The lady who is acquainted with the table hostess may 
draw a chair up to the table next and drink her tea or 
chocolate while the two converse, but when she has 
finished, she must give up her place upon the approach 
of another guest. If a new arrival is a friend, the two 
ladies may sit in another part of the room and have 
their tea or chocolate. 

A tea table is not set with places, but chairs are usu- 
ally placed close by so that those who prefer may draw 
up chairs and sit at the table. Tea and chocolate may 
also be passed on trays at an afternoon tea of the char- 
acter above described. 


“DO COME IN FOR A CUP OF TEA” 


Such an invitation written on a visiting card is the 
favorite form, whether there is to be a special attraction 
or not, or the invitation may read, “Do come in Thurs- 
day to see Dodge perform,” or something of similar 
character. 

Invitations to a tea of special character are never 
issued broadcast. Usually none but close friends are 
asked, or, at most, those on the dining list of the hostess 
are invited. If the number of guests is very small, the 
hostess may sit behind her tea table, as she does any 
afternoon. 


THE EVERYDAY TEA TABLE 


Let us understand right from the start that a tea 
table for an everyday tea, or for any other tea, is not on 
314 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


wheels. It should be a small table, preferably of the 
drop-leaf variety, so that it may be easily moved about. 
An approximate good size is two feet or a little more in 
width, by about three feet or a little more in length. An 
auxiliary table that is of great convenience is the little 
“curate,” placed next to the tea table at the right of the 
hostess. This little assistant usually has three shelves 
large enough to hold a good-sized plate each. 

No servants ever attend at a tea. Upon a signal from 
the hostess the tea table is brought in and set before 
her. It is then covered with a cloth of white, or perhaps 
colored linen, or it may have little or much needlework 
or lace, or a little of each, and the cloth may just cover 
the table or it may hang halfway down the sides. When 
the cloth is placed, the tray is brought in, holding every- 
thing except the plates of food. By everything is meant 
a kettle containing water that is already boiling, under 
which a spirit lamp is burning to keep the water hot; 
an empty teapot, a caddy of tea, a strainer, a slop bowl, 
cream pitcher, sugar bowl, a dish of sliced lemon. If the 
tray is not quite large enough to include the stack of 
little tea plates and the pile of cups and saucers, they 
may be brought in on a separate tray and placed on the 
table. The cups and saucers and tea plates must all 
match. The tea plates are stacked up one on top of the 
other, with a napkin about twelve inches square, hem- 
stitched or to match the tea cloth, folded and placed on 
each of the plates, so that each plate may be lifted off the 
stack with its own napkin. The curate is brought in with 
the food already in place. Careful arrangement will 
greatly facilitate the service to such an extent that a tea 
will be given with very little effort. 

315 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE TEA MENU 


It is preferable to select a menu for a tea that is easy 
to handle. Anything that suits the momentary whims 
of the hostess, or something that she knows will please 
her guests, is acceptable. The top shelf of the curate usu- 
ally holds a covered dish of hot bread of some sort; the 
second shelf may hold sandwiches, or some other dish; 
and the bottom shelf holds the cake or cookies. Some 
prefer a simple diet, others an elaborate one. There may 
be bread and butter or toasted crackers, followed by 
plain cookies; or English muffins and jam, or toasted 
cheese sandwiches, followed by layer cake with whipped 
cream. Some prefer marmalade or honey on bread or 
buttered toast or muffins; but anything of this nature 
requires little knives and dishes for the jam or preserve. 

For a tea at a very large house, and especially if some 
guests are present by special invitation, there should be 
two hot dishes to provide sufficient variety. One dish 
may be hot toast or buttered biscuits, or toasted English 
muffins, and the other may contain corn muffins or hot 
gingerbread or crumplets. The two cold dishes should 
preferably contain fancy cakes and cookies, or a layer 
cake. In hot weather the hot dishes should be substi- 
tuted by cold lettuce sandwiches or a paté, and there 
should be a choice of hot and cold tea, or iced coffee or 
chocolate frappé; nothing else. 

Sandwiches for a tea (or any collation) are made by 
buttering the end of the loaf and then spreading the fill- 
ing and cutting the slice off. This method permits of 
cutting the slices thin and yet not presenting bread that 
was “ruined” in the attempt to spread the butter and the 

316 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


filling. The second slice of bread is put on unbuttered. 
Considerate hostesses who adopt good procedure serve 
sandwiches with the bread crust cut off all around, leav- 
ing only the part of the bread which is most easy to eat, 
and, of course, making dainty sandwiches. The remain- 
ing squares are usually cut diagonally. Those going in 
for wholesale “sandwich manufacture” would do well to 
get a regular sandwich cutter. 


THE EVERYDAY TEA SERVICE 


When the tea table has been “set” and the curate has 
been brought in, small individual tables with glass tops 
are put beside each guest. These tables are very low 
so that the person may just reach out comfortably with- 
out leaving the seat. After the little tables have been 
placed, the servant leaves the room and does not come in 
again unless the hostess rings for “supplies.” The hos- 
tess “makes” and serves the tea herself. Those who sit 
nearby reach out for their cups and saucers. Ladies 
seated at a distance get up and get the tea which the hos- 
tess holds out to them. The cup and saucer is placed on 
the little table, and the lady comes back, takes a plate 
and napkin and helps herself to whatever she prefers. 
One thing only is carried at a time. If a gentleman is 
present, he takes the tea to the ladies seated at a distance 
and then passes the curate, and puts it back in its place. 

Soft cakes that cannot be taken up in the hands must 
be eaten with forks, found on the tea table. Knives must 
be on the tea table if required, so that each guest as she 
takes her plate and napkin may help herself to the jam, 
or whatever is served, take a knife, and carry the dish 
and utensils back to her own little table. Unless one has 


317 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


invited a troupe of jugglers, one should not expect that 
the guests handle a multitude of slippery and juicy 
things without the aid of the small tables. If there are 
no individual tables, it is better to stick to simple foods. 


THE ‘GARDEN: PAimioy: 


A garden party is an outdoor afternoon tea, elabo- 
rated upon. A tent or huge awning on the lawn com- 
plements the veranda, but the tent must have a floor for 
dancing—there is usually dancing at a garden party, 
and, if not dancing, there is some sort of entertainment. | 
The orchestra is placed so that it can be heard on the 
lawn and veranda. Umbrella tents are placed here and 
there on the lawn. Groups of guests are served there, 
by inaids who carry trays; though the tea table is set in 
the dining room. Little tables (not the individual tables 
mentioned previously) are placed under each umbrella 
on which the guests may place their glasses and plates. 
The dishes are always summery. Cold drinks are more 
evident than hot, and parfaits and berries in season are, 
of course, generally served, and the usual array of sand- 
wiches are also present. 


THE PERSONAL ELEMENT 


Whether or not a lady is capable of giving a success- 
ful tea depends entirely upon her own personality. If 
she is master of a book of etiquette and yet not suffi- 
ciently its master to be nothing but its servant, she will 
probably act so unbearably stiff and stilted that one visit 
to her house will be enough to scare away those of the 

318 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


best society who came—and let it be understood that by 
“best society” is not meant “wealthiest society,” but 
that society made up of cultured people who take pride 
in themselves, know how and what to do and say, and 
yet know how to live and let live. 


319 


CHAPTER IV 


LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS, SUPPERS 


THE INVITATIONS 


TO A LUNCHEON 


An engraved card is used for an elaborate luncheon, 
and especially for one given in honor of a noted person, 
but formal invitations to lunch are most generally writ- 
ten in the first person. They are usually sent out about 
a week before the date of the occasion. The wording is 
simple: 


Dear Mrs. SoMEBopDY: 
Will you lunch with me on Tuesday, the 
fourth, at half after one o’clock? 
Hoping so much to see you. 
Sincerely, 
SARAH WOODBEE. 


If the one invited is an intimate, she may be addressed. 
by her first name and the subscription may be “Affec- 
tionately.” If the luncheon is in honor of somebody 
prominent or distinguished, one would add “to meet 
. Mrs. Prominent” at the end of the first sentence in the 
invitation above. An informal invitation is most gen- 
erally telephoned. 

320 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


TO A STAND-UP LUNCHEON OR BREAKFAST 


There is not much difference between a luncheon and 
a breakfast, not even so far as the hour is concerned. 
The breakfast hour is twelve or half after, and the lunch 
hour is at one or one-thirty. A stand-up luncheon is in- 
formal; the invitations are telephoned or written on a 
visiting card, usually just the date in the upper left corner 
with “Luncheon at one o’clock’’ directly under. If the 
hostess is anxious to know how many people will be 
present, she will put R. s. v. p. in the lower corner oppo- ' 
site the address, in which case the invitation must be 
answered—permissibly by telephone, but preferably in 
writing. On occasion, the hostess may prefer to send a 
personal note of invitation: 


DEAR Mrs. CLOSBEIGH : 

We are having a stand-up luncheon on Sat- 
urday, the fifth, at one o'clock. It will give us 
much pleasure to see you and your husband and 
any friends who may be staying with you. 

Very sincerely, 


ee EVELYN IyAM. 


Jan. 15. 
Such a note always requires a reply, if it is requested 


or not. The reply may be by telephone, but should 
rather be in writing. 


THE FORMAL LUNCHEON 


At a formal luncheon the hostess, instead of receiving 
at the door, usually sits somewhere near the center of 
Bar 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the room so that she may be readily seen and approached 
by arriving guests. If there is a butler, he precedes each 
guest to a point within speaking distance of the hostess, 
where he announces the name of the person and then 
stands aside. If there is no butler, the guests greet the 
hostess unannounced. She rises, or if standing, takes a 
step forward, shakes hands, and says, “I am so glad to 
see you,” or just, “How do you do?” If the guest shows 
signs of being unacquainted, she makes the necessary 
introductions. 

The butler or waitress usually knows the number of 
guests expected, and about twenty minutes after the ap- 
pointed hour he or she counts heads to see that all are 
present, and then enters the room, going to within 
speaking distance of the hostess, and says, “Luncheon 
is served.” If there is a guest of honor, the hostess 
leads the way to the dining room, accompanied by that 
guest. If not, the other guests just go in in twos without 
any particular order, except that the younger ones, of 
course, permit the older guests to precede. Gentlemen just 
stroll in with whomever they happen to be talking with— 
they never offer their arms to the ladies in going in toa 
luncheon, with one exception, and that is when there is 
an elderly guest of honor, who is taken in by the host. 
Even in this case the others follow informally. A cen- 
terpiece, either round, rectangular or square, or from 
thirty inches to a yard and a half square or in diameter 
and of dimensions in proportion to the size of the rec- 
tangular table, and with place mats to match in shape as 
well as material and design, furnish the covering for the 
lunch table. The centerpiece and place mats may be of 
practically any variety of linen or needlework or lace. 

322 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


For the refectory table a runner is used in place of the 
centerpiece and doily. This does not reach to the side 
edges of the table, but hangs over at each end, or it may 
reach to within a number of inches of the edge of the 
table all around. The cover may be as large as a table- 
cloth, that is, hanging over the edges all around, but in 
this case it is almost entirely open-work or lace so that 
the table may show through. 

Candles are never seen on the luncheon or breakfast 
table unless the dining room is dark, but the rest of the 
decorations are practically the same as for a dinner 
table. There may be flowers or a silver ornament or 
some other ornament in the center and compotiers with 
ornamental fruit or candy at the corners, or either flower 
dishes. Should the table be very large and consequently 
seem bare without candelabra, vases or flower dishes 
or figures may be substituted. One should aim to have 
the ornaments match in material and design. 

The lunch napkin is much smaller than the dinner 
napkin. It should match the table linen. To be properly 
folded, the lunch napkin is first folded like a handker- 
chief in two folds so that there are four thicknesses. The 
resulting square is laid on the place plate point down so 
that the monogrammed or embroidered corner points 
down toward the edge of the table, then the upper cor- 
ner is turned under about one-quarter of the way down 
the diagonal and the two points at the right and left are 
loosely turned under. This gives a straight top and a 
pointed edge at the lower end. Otherwise the places for 
a luncheon are set precisely the same as for a dinner; 
there is a place plate, three forks, two knives, and a small 
spoon—and a bread and butter plate. 


323 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE BREAD AND BUTTER PLATE 


The bread and butter plate has entirely displaced the 
butter plate. It is a small dish about five or six inches in 
diameter placed at the left of each place plate just beyond 
the fork. It is, of course, used to hold one’s bread and 
butter. Butter is sometimes put on the dish by a table 
attendant, but it is most generally passed. Hot breads, 
bread biscuits, dinner rolls, soda biscuits, or very thin 
bread roasted in the oven until it is curled and light 
brown (made for those who don’t eat butter—also 
suitabe for a dinner), are all placed in a silver, or an 
actual wicker, basket and passed as often as necessary. 
Bread and butter plates are removed with the salt and 
pepper pots. 


THE LUNCHEON SERVICE 


Service for a luncheon is identical with that of a din- 
ner, as described in Chapter III of Part I. 


THE LUNCHEON MENU 


The usual luncheon menu has four and at the most 
five courses, not including the coffee at the end of the 
course. 


Following is the composite of the average luncheon 
ment: 
. Fruit 
Soup. 
. Meat and vegetable (or eggs). 
. Salad—(or fowl or “tame” game with salad). 
. Desseri. 


wn Pwd # 


324 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


The fruit usually consists of a combination of fruits 
cut into small pieces and served with sugar, or sugar and 
maraschino. This dish is served in a bowl-shaped glass 
placed within the bowl of a large-stemmed glass with 
ice between the two bowls; or it may be served in a 
champagne glass—but it must come to the table cold. 
Grapefruit comes to the table cut in half and prepared 
to eat. 

Soup at a luncheon, wedding breakfast, or ball supper 
is served in and eaten from two-handed cups, with a 
teaspoon or a bouillon spoon. There may be either 
chicken soup or clam broth, bouillon, tomato broth, or, in 
summer, cold bouillon or broth. 

The meat or egg course is a matter of personal selec- 
tion. If the second course is made an egg course, instead 
of soup, the eggs should be “light” and the meat course 
“not too heavy.” 


LUNCHEON BEVERAGES 


In communities where the afternoon tea is not a gen- 
eral habit, the hostess at a luncheon invariably has a tea 
set put before her at table and she “pours” tea, coffee, 
or chocolate. Hot tea is never served at a New York 
formal luncheon, but in the summer iced tea is a popular 
drink, and is also served in all country houses. Iced tea 
is poured from a glass pitcher by a servant. It is usu- 
ally prepared with sugar and lemon, but occasionally 
it is served unprepared and lemon and sugar is passed 
separately. At an informal luncheon cold coffee is often 
passed in a glass pitcher on a tray holding also a bowl 
of powdered sugar and a pitcher of cold milk and an- 
other of thick cream. Each guest pours his own coffee 


325 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


and prepares it to suit himself, glasses with cracked ice 
being previously set before each guest. Sometimes the 
only beverage served is a “cup” of grape or orange juice 
with sugar and mint leaves and ginger ale or carbonic 
water. 


ETIQUETTE AT LUNCHEONS 


Ladies wear hats, veils if they choose, and gloves to 
a luncheon. Outer garments with the exception of the 
hat may be left in the hall or dressing room, but they go 
into the drawing room with their hats and gloves on and 
they may if they choose wear their neck pieces or carry 
their muffs. The hostess need not, but she may, wear a 
hat at her own luncheon. Guests take off their gloves at 
the table and lay them in their laps, placing the napkin 
over them. It is very poor taste to tuck in the gloves at 
the wrist. Gloves and veil may be removed before going 
to the table or the veil may merely be turned up at the 
table. A veil must never, of course, be allowed to hang so 
that each mouthful of food must be passed under the veil. 

Dresses for luncheons are simple, that is, untrimmed. 
Conspicuousness in clothes merely accentuates bad taste. 

Gentlemen wear business suits or sack coats with either 
stiff or pleated bosom shirts and starched collars at 
luncheons. In the country they wear country clothes; in 
town on a Sunday they wear Sunday coats, that is, cut- 
aways. Gentlemen leave their hats, overcoats, and sticks 
in the hall, 


THE TIME TO LEAVE 


The conventional luncheon hour is half past one; by 
two-forty-five the last guest should be gone, unless it is 
326 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a bridge luncheon. About a half hour to three-quarters 
of an hour is usually spent at the table and from twenty 
minutes to a half hour in conversation afterward. This 
brings it to about two-thirty. Of course, there are spe- 
cial occasions when the conventional staying hour is 
greatly exceeded, for example, when there is entertain- 
ment of some sort. Just as at the dinner, when one 
lady rises the hostess does likewise and the other guests 
invariably follow. They each shake hands with the 
hostess and say “Good-by” and “Thank you so much.” 

Intimate friends of the hostess may remain indefi- 
nitely, but a mere acquaintance should never stay a mo- 
ment after the other guests have gone. 


THE STAND-UP LUNCHEON 


The stand-up luncheon is a very informal and enjoy- 
able affair. The food is all put on the dining table. 
Everyone helps himself. There is bouillon or oyster stew 
or clam chowder. There are two hot dishes, a salad, and 
a dessert. Dishes which are easily eaten and handled 
are most suitable. The stand-up luncheon is very prac- 
tical for the hostess who has a medium-sized house, or 
when it is not definitely known how many people are 
coming, as, for example, when it is agreed that a party 
shall meet at a certain house to go to some sort of enter- 
tainment or games. 


SUPPERS 


Only intimate friends are invited to supper, since the 
supper table is the usual gathering place of the family. 
Invitations are most generally by word of mouth. The 


327 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


supper does not differ from the informal luncheon ex- 
cept in time, and the clothes worn by those present. 


THE SUPPER TABLE 


Place candlesticks or candelabra on the lunch table and 
you have a complete setting for a supper, with the excep- 
tion of a big silver tea tray with full silver service for 
tea, cocoa, chocolate, or breakfast coffee, which is placed 
before the hostess. 


328 


CHAPTER .V 


BALLS AND DANCES 


It is not thought necessary to give the information con- 
tained in this chapter as encouragement to the readers to 
arrange formal balls. The formal ball is as remote 
from the possibilities of the person of moderate circum- 
stances as is the large formal dinner—if not more so. 
But there are many balls, not strictly formal in the true 
sense of the word, which are nevertheless well managed 
after formal custom. From the strictly formal laws one 
may be guided toward good manners at the affairs of less 
formality. With the information in this chapter on 
strictly formal balls and dances, and the further infor- 
mation in Chapter VI of Part I on semi-formal and 
informal balls and dances, one may acquire all the laws 
and adapt them to circumstances. 


PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL IN ASSEMBLY 
ROOMS 


Few homes are large enough for the purpose of hold- 
ing a ball so that arrangements must be made either with 
a hotel manager or the manager of some other suitable 
assembly room. ‘Two good orchestras must be engaged. 
Good music is the prime essential to a successful ball; 
without it all the best arrangements are discounted. 
There are two orchestras so that constant music may 


329 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


be supplied; when one orchestra stops playing the other 
begins. At a proper formal ball there is no such thing 
as standing in the middle of the floor and clapping for 
an encore. 

It is also necessary to arrange with the manager of the 
ballroom for the engagement of reception rooms, smok- | 
ing room, and dressing rooms, also for the engagement | 
of the restaurant after it has been closed to the public. 


PREPARATIONS FOR A BALL OR DANCE AT 
A PRIVATE HOUSE 


For a formal ball at a private house there is always an 
awning and a red carpet from the door to the curb, a 
chauffeur to serve at the curb, and a private detective or 
policeman to guard against intrusion of uninvited guests. 
A very big ball requires the service of a detective inside 
to be sure that no “guests” slip in unannounced. Coat 
racks, ballroom chairs, crockery, glass, napkins, waiters, 
and food are supplied by the hotels or caterers (this 
service also includes the furnishing of the awning and 
the red carpet). The caterer’s men do not appear in 
livery unless the house has livery of its own to supply. 

The ballroom floor must be cleared of all furniture; 
if the floor is not too large, there should be no chairs 
placed around the sides (a good way to “crush out” wall- 
flowers). If the floor is not properly waxed, after a 
few dances the guests will probably sit around exhausted 
waiting for the supper hour to replenish their diminished 
energy, unless perchance one has invited teams of ath- 
letes. Needless to say, the resident of a New York 
apartment is not in a position to give a private house ball. 


339 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE INVITATIONS 


There is no age limit applied or understood for attend- 
ance at a ball. It is in this respect that the main differ- 
ence is drawn between a dance and a ball; the partici- 
pants in a dance are all young. It is, of course, necessary 
toward the achievement of success to limit the invitations 
to those who add to the splendor and general appearance 
of brilliance; that is, of course, if the ball is to be a bril- 
liant success. This statement should not be interpreted 
as an endorsement of snobbishness, but should be taken 
at its face value—those who contemplate holding a ball 
of magnificent splendor will appreciate just what is 
meant, The invitations should include all of the personal 
friends of the hostess and all her more intimate acquain- 
tances, irrespective of age. In selecting a list, one should 
consider, just as one does when inviting guests to a 
formal dinner, the question of congeniality and of the 
acceptability of the guests one to the other. 

The ball given for a débutante requires the attendance 
of all the débutante daughters of the ladies on the general 
visiting list of the hostess. The young men of the same 
families should also be invited, that is, the young people 
of the mothers on the list are practically all invited, while 
the mothers are seldom asked. 


THE BORROWED LIST 


The lady who wants to give a ball for a débutante 
daughter who has just returned from school will proba- 
bly be perplexed when she gets to the point of sending 
out invitations, for while her daughter has been away 


331 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


she has had no occasion to keep a list of young people. 
In such case, it is both permissible and necessary to bor- 
row a list from a friend. To merely send out invitations 
haphazard would be to encourage disaster, for there 
might be people of too wide a range in age to make the 
ball what it should be. Using a borrowed list, of course, 
necessitates borrowing from the right person. The 
names on the list may be strange to the hostess, but if 
they are the names of young people of the time who are 
‘acceptable to a close friend, they will probably be ac- 
ceptable to the hostess, even though a majority of them 
are not known to her. 


ASKING AN INVITATION FOR ANOTHER PERSON 


Invitations for other people may be requested, but the 
circumstances under which this is permissible vary. 
Young men who dance are always acceptable. Older 
people and young ladies cannot very well be refused, but 
those who ask an invitation for a strange young lady 
should also see to it that she is taken care of at the ball, 
and that she does not become a charge on the hands of 
the hostess. The fiancée of the young gentleman who 
was invited would, of course, be attended by him so that 
the young man’s mother may with perfect freedom re- 
quest an invitation for the young lady. Distinguished 
strangers are also unquestionably welcome. It would be 
very tactless to ask an invitation for a person with 
whom the hostess is known to be acquainted, for there 
is a possibility that such person is intentionally omitted. 
When an intimate friend of the hostess is certain that 
some person has been overlooked, it is permissible to 
ask an invitation for that person as a sort of reminder. 


332 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE INVITATIONS TO STRANGERS 


When an invitation is asked for a friend, it is usually 
sent without comment. If it is not sent, there should be 
no comment on the part of the one who did the asking. 
The invitations are received by the strangers without 
any explanation; it is left to the person who did the ask- 
ing to explain. When departing on the night of the ball, 
the strangers say to the hostess, “Thank you very much 
for asking us.” Immediately after the ball or party the 
strangers should leave their cards on the hostess. It is 
also the duty of the person who requested the invitations 
for the strangers to verbally thank the hostess. 


SURPER 


For a ball one may arrange either a sit-down supper 
that is continuous or a sit-down supper at a set hour; the 
buffet supper is served only at dances. In New York the 
supper service begins at one o’clock. The restaurant is 
closed to the public and is shut off from the rest of the 
hotel. The tables are decorated with flowers. Guests 
sit where they please and leave when they please, they 
pay for nothing and do not tip the waiters, nor do they 
sign supper checks. The menu and service are subject 
to personal taste and selection and are best arranged by 
consultation with the hotel or assembly room manager. 


A DANCE 


As explained under a previous chapter on ba!ls and 
dances, the only difference between a ball and dance is 
G. Man.—L 333 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the matter of decoration and the fact that invitations to a 
dance are limited to young people. Dances are usually 
attended by fewer people than balls and are consequently 
more often held in private houses. Most generally, how- 
ever, they are given in the banquet hall or the smaller 
ballroom of a hotel, or in the assembly room of a club- 
house. 

The difference between a formal and an informal dance 
is mainly one of detail; the informal dance is usually 
simpler than the formal and the guests at an informal 
dance are usually all very well acquainted, whereas 
those at a formal dance need not be acquainted. 

Supper may be a simple buffet or an elaborate sit- 
down supper, depending upon the size of the house or 
the personal desire of the hostess. 


BALLROOM ETIQUETTE 


Ten o’clock is the customary New York hour set for 
the formal ball. Guests do not generally arrive before 
ten-thirty, but the hostess and the person for whom the 
ball is given, if such is the case, must be ready to receive 
at the appointed time. Invitations do not generally bear 
the name of the débutante for whom the ball is given, so 
that the only way the guests can know that a ball is 
given for a débutante is by seeing her beside her mother. 


THE HOSTESS AT A BAe 


The first duty of a hostess at a ball is to stand in one 
place and receive the guests. If there is a stairway or 
elevator from which the guests approach the ballroom, 


334 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the hostess takes her place somewhere between this 
approach and the entrance to the ballroom; or usually 
just without the entrance. 

Guests are announced as at a dinner or afternoon tea. 
They shake hands with the hostess and pass into the ball- 
room. One should not stay with the hostess more than 
a moment, particularly if other guests are immediately 
behind. A stranger should not expect that a hostess 
look after him or her, for she is as fixed as a sentinel 
on duty. The stranger who is a particular friend of 
the hostess would, of course, be taken care of by the 
host who is free; but other strangers should ordinarily 
be taken care of by the people who ask to have them 
invited. When a gentleman is a guest through invita- 
tion by request, he is generally accompanied by the 
friend who asked to have him invited and is presented to 
the hostess by the friend. If such a guest comes alone, 
the butler announces him to the hostess; he bows and 
says, “Mrs. So-and-So asked you if I might come.” The 
hostess extends her hand and says, “How do you do? I 
am very glad to see you,” and if there are other young 
people standing nearby, she introduces the stranger. If 
the opportunity to be introduced is not available, he waits 
until his sponsor arrives. 

The hostess may only leave her “receiving post” at 
the supper hour. She may then give her attention to the 
guests. Under the existing code of procedure the guests 
would be left entirely to their own resources were it not 
for the host and his son or son-in-law. These gentlemen 
go about and see that backward youths are “brought 
forward” and that “drooping violets” do not wither on 
the walls. Elderly gentlemen must be provided with 


335 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


good cigars in the smoking room, and the convenience 
and pleasure of everybody must be provided for. Hospi- 
tality requires that the hostess do her utmost to please. 

When the guests leave, they must go to the hostess, 
wherever she happens to be, and say, “Good-night,” and 
shake hands. Those who find the evening dull and leave 
before time, would, of course, not draw particular atten- 
tion to their departure by walking across the ballroom 
floor and seeking out the hostess to say good-night; on 
the contrary, they would rather attempt to slip off unseen. 


GRACE IN THE BALLROOM 


A person may be very well mannered and yet in the 
ballroom give an opposite impression. Were the average 
person to be judged by grace, or rather lack of it, in 
the ballroom, most of us would be listed as ill bred. 
There are no laws by which one can govern one’s 
personal locomotion, but one may give thought to those 
things which tend toward a display of grace. It is not 
graceful to cultivate what is vulgarly termed the “lounge 
lizard’s slouch,” nor is the gait and swing of the profes- 
sional pedestrian quite the stride for the ballroom. Grace 
in the ballroom does not mean pretentious or accented 
mannerisms; it simply means natural poise, head erect, 
chest forward, a moderate natural step. The tendency 
to slide the feet across a slippery floor should be curbed. 
Granted that the floor is slippery and that more or less 
sliding 1s necessary to the one-who is not adept at cross- 
ing a ballroom floor, it is, however, necessary to those 
who aspire toward grace, to eliminate as much as possible 
of the “slide.” 


336 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


MASQUERADE VOUCHERS 


To eliminate the necessity of having guests prove their 
identity in an “inspection room” by removing their masks, 
it is necessary to include with the invitations to a mas- 
querade ball a voucher or ticket of admission. It is per- 
haps better to mail the voucher separately to those who 
accept the invitation. 


BALLROOM CUSTOMS 


Young ladies and young men who go to balls individ- 
ually, that is, not as partners or as members of a group, 
are placed in the peculiar situation of grasping a com- 
panion. If a girl wants to insure against spending the 
evening alone, she must take the initiative and “catch” 
a companion. The young men are permitted to stand at 
the entrance of the ballroom in qa group and the members 
of this group are known as stags. The stags it may be 
stated frankly, are wary against being bound to stay 
with a girl with whom they may have no particular 
desire to spend the evening. Here then are two motives 
combating each other: the girl anxious to get and hold a 
companion for the evening, and the young man anxious 
to pick his companion or be free to “cut in.” “Cutting in” 
iS an existing custom (described fully in Chapter VI of 
Part II1) which permits a young man to dart out and 
tap on the shoulder a gentleman who is dancing. This 
requires that the gentleman who is “tapped” relinquish 
his partner to the other gentleman. It is further neces- 
sary to state that courtesy on the part of the gentleman 


337 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


who has been “caught” requires that he stay with his 
“catcher” and courtesy on the part of the lady requires 
that she be not a catcher, but by some means or other 
relinquish the gentleman after one or two dances. Under 
the existing code (or lack of code) the girl who plays the 
courteous part and releases a dancing companion after 
one or two dances and then is not fortunate enough 
to dance again, must either stay and suffer the humilia- 
tion of sitting alone or go home. The young man who 
may have come to see some other girl may, if he permits 
himself to be introduced to a lady, suffer bondage for the 
rest of the evening and then finally have to tell his com- 
panion that he has a supper partner—and then the poor 
girl is alone! 

There are several alleged solutions to this state of 
affairs. One is the custom used in Boston, of having 
ushers. 


USHERS 


Ushers are selected from among the best known young 
men in society. They are chosen for their perfection of 
manners and tact. They wear white boutonniéres—a 
sort of deputy badge—which gives them authority to 
make the ball “go.” Their particular duty is to see that 
the inevitable “wall flower” is exterminated. An usher 
has the privilege to introduce any two people without 
knowing either personally and without asking permission. 
If he is not occupied, he may himself dance with a lady 
whether he knows her or not, and after once around he 
may call upon a stag to dance further with the lady, and 
then ¢all upon another stag to release the first, and so on. 

The usher system, however, only solves the problem 


338 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


to a certain extent. The girl with pride would naturally 
feel humiliated at being time and again “rescued” by an 
usher, and the stags do not relish being “policed.” The 
dance program is another alternative. 


THE DANCE PROGRAM 


The advantages of a dance program are several. A 
girl can give as many dances as she likes to whomever 
she likes, and a man is placed in the enviable position of 
being able to choose his partners. If the particular girl 
he wants to dance with is willing, he may schedule every 
dance with her. But what becomes of the girl who is 
not asked? This question presents one great objection 
to the dance program. New York society has the other 
objection that it does not fancy dancing on schedule. 


THE FLOCK SYSTEM 


There is a growing tendency for young people to 
attend balls and dances in “droves.” They go together, 
sit together and have supper together. They have a good 
time. They are always dancing because they always have 
someone to dance with. But they are not restricted to 
their own group, for a stag may cut in and dance with 
any of the girls of the group with the assurance that he 
can at any time take her back to the others. She may 
also ask him to join the group, which he is at liberty to 
do and he is also at liberty to leave whenever he sees fit, 
because his going will not leave the girl alone. 

Occasionally groups of girls flock together and sit in 
precisely the same place in a ball room. ‘They dance, 
but always come back to the group. | 

Only a girl well known and popular may venture to 


339 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


a ball alone. She is sure to meet acquaintances and have 
company. A girl may become a member of a “flock” by 
attending dinners, or if she is not fortunate enough to 
be invited to dinners her mother must give one for her 
and invite sufficient young people. A girl may also 
attend a ball alone if she has one or two beaux who are 
certain to wait for her and take care of her. But ordi- 
narily a girl who goes to a ball without a chaperon must 
be accompanied by a maid who waits for her in the dress- 
ing room. Having the maid is also a sort of life saver 
for the girl who is not “successful” at the ball, cannot 
even go home until the end of the affair when somebody 
is obliged to escort her. 


WHAT TO SAY AFTER DANCING 


After a number, the young man may offer a cordial 
“Thank you” to the lady who favored him with the dance. 
The lady bows gracefully in acknowledgment. 

If a gentleman wishes to leave a lady with her group 
and go to another part of the room, he may say, “Excuse 
me, I have an appointment’”—but, as previously stated, 
he must not leave the lady entirely alone. 


OTHER INFORMATION 


Bal poudre on an invitation announces that the ball is 
a fancy dress ball. 

Bal masque on an invitation means that the ball is to 
be a masquerade. 

Further information about “cutting in,” sitting out 
dances, asking for a dance, public balls and subscription 
dances, may be found in Chapter VI, Part I. 

340 


~ CHAPTER VI 
THE DEBUTANTE 


In French the word débutant in its basic sense refers 
to an actor making his first appearance, and is used also 
to mean a beginner. The feminine form débutante refers 
to an actress. The society débutante is both an actress 
and a beginner, and it is well for the young lady making 
her début (initial appearance) to bear this fact in mind. 
Her “coming out” is a sort of military review. The 
“generals” of society pass in review to inspect the young 
recruit. If she plays the part of a thoroughbred lady, 
she will readily be accepted into the ranks of the army to 
which there is no other qualifying factor so important as 
good manners and charm. Under the following titles will 
be found a general resumé of the procedure to be followed 
by the young lady who is making her début. 


THE BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE 


It is possible for very few people to arrange a “coming 
out” ball for their débutante daughter, but whether it be 
a tea or a ball that is given, the behavior of the young 
lady must be practically the same, and must of course, 
be as perfect on one occasion as on the other. The advice 
governing the general actions of the débutante at the ball 
may be applied to any other affair. 

At a ball celebrating her “coming out” the débutante 


341 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


receives beside the hostess. She stands in such a position 
that the incoming guests approach the hostess first. When 
the guests have shaken hands with the hostess, she turns 
and says, “Mrs. Prominent, my daughter,” or “Olive, I 
want to present you to Mrs. Prominent” (“want to” is 
the familiar form that a mother would use to a 
daughter). To a friend who is likely to know the 
daughter the mother would say, “You remember Olive, 
don’t your” The débutante extends her hand to all guests 
and to those who are new acquaintances or only mod- 
erately well known to her, she need only say, “How do 
you do?’, particularly if there is a long line of incoming 
guests. If she happens to be talking with some friends, 
she should without showing anything but pleasure, turn 
to greet the new arrival. The greeting must be genuinely 
cordial, so that the newcomer may feel welcome. 


WHAT TO SAY TO THE DEBUTANTE 


A stranger may comment on the loveliness and number 
of the débutante’s bouquets, or say something about 
society affairs in general, such as mentioning the lack 
of balls, etc.; or one may wish her a very enjoyable 
season. A friend of the mother may comment on the 
loveliness of the girl’s appearance or on the beauty of 
her gown; but one must be a close friend to do this. No 
mere acquaintances, unless quite old, should make per- 
sonal comments, and even then they must be politely 
worded, as, for example, “You won’t mind, will you, if I 
tell you how lovely I think you look?” But it is not 
good form for a young acquaintance to speak about the 
débutante’s dress; on the other hand, this is permissible 
of a close young friend. 


342 


THRE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


BOUQUETS FOR THE DEBUTANTE 


Relatives, friends of the family, young admirers and 
her father’s business associates customarily send a débu- 
tante bouquets, baskets or other decorative flowers. The 
flowers are attractively arranged somewhere near the 
place where the débutante stands to receive. If there 
are a great many, they are placed around the room where- 
ever they look well. The young lady always holds one 
of the bouquets in her hand and its choice is usually 
taken to indicate a preference toward a particular beau, 
so that the young lady who is not prepared to make such 
an indication, may better choose the bouquet from her 
father or brother. Those who have sent flowers must 
be thanked as they arrive in the ballroom, and those 
who are older should always receive a note of thanks. 
For very intimate friends and relatives the verbal thanks 
are sufficient. 


A WORD ON RECEIVING 


_ At a ball the débutante receives with the hostess until 
at least twelve o’clock, later if necessary, and it is neces- 
sary as long as guests are still arriving. At all coming 
out parties the débutante may invite a few friends to 
receive with her. These friends have no particular duty. 
They do not stand in line, but merely stand about near 
the débutante to add to the picture. They wear evening 
clothes at any afternoon or evening party. 


THE DEBUTANTE AT SUPPER 


A table is reserved in the center of the dining room for 
343 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


the débutante and her party. It is usually especially | 
decorated, both to add to its attractiveness, and to dis- 
tinguish it from the others. 

The débutante goes to supper with a partner who has 
very likely asked for the privilege long in advance. The 
rest of her party is made up of friends whom she person- 
ally selects, and their partners. After supper the débu- 
tante is at liberty to enjoy herself. 


THE DEBUTANTE’S DRESS 


With one exception—her wedding—the young girl is 
never more desirous of looking her best than at her 
coming out party. Ata ball, a ball dress should be worn, 
and precedent rather requires that it be white and of a 
light gauzy material or lace. Its essential requirement 
is the expression of youth, brightness and gaiety. By no 
means should the dress be over elaborate and never 
should strong colors be used. The hostess wears a 
handsome ball dress. 

A simple evening dress is worn by the débutante at 
an afternoon tea. Paleness of color and simplicity of 
design are the two requisites for the coming out costume 
for an afternoon tea. The mother wears an afternoon 
dress. Mother and daughter wear long gloves and no 
hats; none of the receiving party wear hats. 


“WORDS TO THE WISE” DEBUTANTE 


Good manners based, of course, on kindness and con- 
sideration for others are the foundation upon which 
every aspirant to social success must build her future. A 
pretty face and handsome and luxuriant clothes are not 


344 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


sufficient to captivate the modern society man or woman, 
A moment of rudeness may ruin the cherished hopes of 
a fond mother, and bar a young lady from the circles 
in which she could otherwise move. 

It should not be, but unfortunately is necessary in this 
day of laxity to caution the débutante-to-be about some 
of the elements of good manners. Giggling, whispering, 
pawing, patting, nudging, hanging on people, and all other 
actions not becoming the dignified and well bred person 
should be avoided. It is too often noted that modern 
attendants at functions that should breathe poise and 
dignity resemble rather the field of sport. Perhaps it 
may also be necessary to caution once again against pre- 
tentious mannerisms, boisterous laughter and the in- 
sincere attempt to laugh at something that is not really 
provocative of laughter. Simplicity, dignity and plain 
ordinary good manners are undeniably the ear marks of 
the well bred person; nothing else will create the proper 
impression—the counterfeit inevitably discloses its 
identity. 


345 


CHAPTER VII 


THE CHAPERON 


Many little things are often done and said when 
young people get together that are in no sense very 
wrong and could not be termed improper, yet their 
general tenor is such that things would be better if they 
had not been said, or done. Contrary to prevalent 
opinion, especially that of young people, a chaperon is 
of more good than is ordinarily supposed, and the effect 
on the girl who has always been accompanied by a 
chaperon, is marked. There need be no sacrifice of 
personal liberty in the presence of a chaperon, in fact 
with one present the girl may act with less thought about 
every move she wishes to make. A chaperon whose 
sole duty is to chaperon is not an everyday sight in this 
generation, for they are seen only with girls too young 
to have married friends. Older girls usually go about 
with friends who are married, but it is not proper for a 
girl to be seen going around a great deal in the company 
of a married woman unattended by her husband. 


THE RESIDENT CHAPERON 


A young girl should not live without the company of 
an older lady. If she has a father who is able to devote 
all his time to her, a chaperon is not necessary, but some- 
one must protect the girl until she is either old enough to 

346 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


be married or until she has reached the age of twenty- 
five or twenty-six, or tuntil she shows clearly that her 
behavior is constantly beyond the slightest possibility 
of reproach. 

A lady chosen as chaperon must be one well versed in 
all matters of propriety, and of social standing superior 
to the girl in charge. She may be a relative, but 
ordinarily is rather a companion. Her disposition and 
character must be such as to influence her charge in all 
matters relevant to the future well-being of the girl. 
Needless to say, it is foolish for a father to select for his 
daughter a chaperon who is not of broad mind and 
kindly nature, nor is one who has no sympathy with the 
pleasures of the young an acceptable choice. The mother 
of a girl should rather give up something else than to 
give her daughter into the care of another woman, unless 
the mother feels sure that that woman is better qualified 
to take care of the girl and bring her up perfectly. 


DUTIES OF THE CHAPERON 


Without interfering or meddling, the chaperon must be 
present whenever or wherever her charge is in the com- 
pany of young men, with the exception, of course, of 
those occasions that are considered permissible, as later 
described. She must protect the girl against the advances 
of those who are not fitting company, and check at the 
outset an acquaintance that does not seem acceptable. 
The girl who respects her chaperon will respect her judg- 
ment, and will feel sure that such action is for the best. 

The orphan who gives a formal ball does so in the 
name of a near relative, but if there is no relative, it is 


347 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


given in the name of the chaperon. If there is a father, 
the invitations are issued in his name, and the girl receives 
with him. Dinner invitations for an informal dinner— 
which is the only kind a young girl can give—are tele- 
phoned by the girl herself. The chaperon should always 
be present at an affair given by the girl, for it is not 
proper for a girl to act as hostess alone. The chaperon 
must either receive with the girl or come in later, but she 
must be present. At an afternoon tea she may go into 
another room after she has poured tea. 

It is absolutely necessary that someone remain up on 
the evening of the party, or on any other occasion when 
young men are present until the last young man has left. 
A girl must never be permitted to sit up late at night with 
a young man. If the girl is returning from a party to 
which she went as one of a group, someone must open 
the door for her—and the young man must not come in! 
This is true even when the couple are engaged. The 
flancé must not come in when the hour is late, and some- 
one must open the door to let the girl in. She should not 
use a latch key. 

The chaperon must be present when an engaged couple © 
(and of course when the couple are not engaged) lunch 
at a roadhouse, on a journey that lasts over night, on a 
sailboat, or on any other similar occasion. It should be 
understood, however, that the chaperon need not be 
shackled to her charge. Very often an older sister fur- 
nishes all the chaperonage necessary. At a dinner party, 
for example, a sister might do, and it would even be 
permissible for a mother to dine elsewhere after she had 
completed her duty of receiving the guests with her 
daughter. 

348 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


At a bachelor dinner, or any other party given by a 
bachelor, it is necessary that a chaperon be present when 
the first guests arrive, and she must stay there until the 
last guest leaves. Very often a bachelor has his aunt 
or some other lady relative present to act as chaperon. 
The careful chaperon will, of course, be sure that even 
in her company her young charge does not go to places 
that shoud not be visited. 

A young girl may not visit an unmarried doctor, 
clergyman or portrait painter unless accompanied by a 
chaperon. 


VARYING CONVENTIONS 


A young girl may motor around with a young man, 
or sit with him at the seaside, or walk into the woods with 
him, always with the father’s permission, but she may 
not sit in a restaurant with him and she may not go to 
the theater with him! And a lady who is not young 
may have a gentleman dine with her at her hotel, and a 
married woman may have a different man into tea every 
day, if her husband does not object! And a young girl 
may sit at the moving picture theater with a young man! 
If these laws of etiquette are too mystifying to fathom 
and to know what is right or wrong the sensible person 
will, of course, be guided by judgment and conscience, 
and be protected by that all protecting armor, “Good 
Manners.” 


349 





Ly 
Pra 


vie 


Stan i 
Se Ae 





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4 


ue aL 
AD 





CHAPTER I 


DRESS OF A LADY 


MORNING WEDDING 


THE BRIDE 


At a morning wedding, the bride wears a simple white 
organdie or crepe de chine dress. 


THE BRIDESMAIDS 


The bridesmaids wear simple morning dresses and 
plain hats with a bit of ribbon on them. 


GUESTS 


The guests wear simple flimsy summer dresses, (pre- 
suming, of course, that the wedding is held in the summer 
time). 


AFTERNOON WEDDING 


THE BRIDE 


For the bride’s dress at an afternoon wedding, see 
Chapter III of Part II. 
THE BRIDESMAIDS 


For the dress of the bridesmaid at an afternoon wed- 
ding, see Chapter II of Part IT. 


353 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


GUESTS 


The guests at an afternoon wedding wear handsome 
afternoon gowns, hats, gloves, card or fancy bags, and 
fur scarfs if desired. The outer wrap is left in the hall. 


EVENING WEDDING 


Dress for an evening wedding is more elaborate than 
for an afternoon wedding and requires strictly evening 
wear. At an evening church wedding, the woman guests 
should wear wraps and scarfs, or some other light cover- 
ing for the head. 

Flower girls and pages are dressed in quaint old-fash- 
ioned dresses and suits of satin selected by the bride. 


RIDING 


The riding habit consists of a plain dark colored tail- 
ored suit. Frills of any sort are in bad state. Leather 
gloves two or three sizes larger than are ordinarily worn, 
and low-heeled boots of plain design and any hat that a 
man might wear, constitute the complete habit. Sharp 
cuts, curves, angles, pleats, ruffles or other trimming, 
other than a white carnation or perhaps a few violets, 
should be avoided. Everything should tend toward sim- 
plicity of line and contour, more on the order of the 
clothes of the smartly and correctly dressed man, rather 
than the mistaken “picture conceptions” of riding habit. 
The hair should be combed back flat so that the hat fits 
well on the head, and keeps the hair neatly in place in 
spite of the jogging of the horse. 

354 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


LUNCHEON 


Ladies leave their outer wraps in the hall. They may, 
however, wear fur neck pieces, and carry their muffs 
into the drawing room. Hats and gloves are always 
worn. Gloves are removed before or upon reaching the 
table, and if a veil is worn, it is lifted and fastened above 
the nose. 3 

Elaborate dresses and excessive jewelry are not worn. 
Good fashion decrees simplicity, good taste demands 
simplicity, good breeding makes simple the practice of 
simplicity. 

At a formal luncheon, the hostess invariably wears a 
hat, though she seldom wears a veil. 


AFTERNOON TEA 


Elaborate day dresses may be worn at afternoon teas. 
But any fashionable day dress is in good taste. Gloves 
and hats are worn. 

The elaborate tea gown with a train and long flowing 
sleeves is worn at tea time by a hostess, but is most ap- 
propriately worn at the family dinner table. A guest at 
the home of some member of her family, or a very 
intimate friend, may wear a tea gown, otherwise not. 


THE GARDEN PARTY 


An elaborate summer dress is worn only at garden 
parties. Country dresses, however, are appropriate. 
Hats and gloves are worn. Parasols and fancy bags are 
carried by the guests. 


355 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THE MATINEE 


Regular afternoon clothes are worn to theatre and 
other afternoon entertainments. Simple dresses are best 
suited for these occasions. 


AFTERNOON COMING-OUT PARTY 
THE DEBUTANTE 


The débutante wears a very simple evening dress of 
pale color at an afternoon tea held in her honor. She 
wears long gloves, and, of course, no hat. 


THE MOTHER 


The débutante’s mother wears an afternoon dress and 
long gloves. She does not wear a hat. 


GIRLS WHO HELP RECEIVE 


The young girls who receive with the mother and 
débutante wear afternoon dresses and long gloves, but 
do not wear hats. 

THE GUESTS 


The guests at an afternoon tea given in honor of a 
débutante wear afternoon dresses, gloves and hats. 


DINNER 


INFORMAL 


At informal dinners the hostess and the guests may 
wear simple evening dresses. The dresses may be low- 
necked with elbow or long sleeves. No head dress is worn. 


356 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


FORMAL 


An elaborate ball dress is appropriate for a formal 
dinner. Gloves are worn, but a head dress, unless fash- 
ion decrees it, is not conventional. The gloves are re- 
moved, and placed in the lap while at table. When the 
napkin is removed from the place plate, it is placed over 
the gloves. 


CONCERT, THEATRE AND OPERA 


An informal dinner dress is correct wear for attend- 
ance at an evening concert, the theatre and the opera on 
ordinary nights. On special nights at the opera, however, 
ball dress, head dress and jewels are worn. 


RESTAURANT WEAR 


Simple evening dresses are appropriate for attendance 
at high class restaurants. The head dress may conform 
to the custom of the locality, but it must not be over 
elaborate. It is not proper to dress as for a ball when 
going to a restaurant. Doing so seems pretentious— 
unnecessary display. The well bred do not try to draw 
attention to themselves. 


DANCES 
FORMAL AND INFORMAL 


Dress for an informal dance is similar to that worn to 
an informal dinner, and dress for a formal dance is 
similar to that worn to a formal! dinner. 


Shed 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


“BALLS 


A ball is an occasion of splendor and elegance. To 
be in keeping with the magnificence of the affair, the 
costume may be elaborate. A low necked sleeveless 
gown of beautiful material and color is the correct dress 
to wear. It need not be elaborate, however, for simple 
dresses of the best quality are very often most effective. 
The wearing of hair ornaments is to be left to the dis- 
cretion of the individual, that is, as to whether or not 
the particular hair dress in style is becoming, and depend- 
ing upon whether custom decrees a hair dress or not. 


BALL FOR A DEBUTANTE 


The dress for the débutante should be a pretty ball 
dress of soft material or of lace, but it must be youthful. 
The old custom is that of wearing a white dress. If the 
débutante wears colors, they should be very delicate. She 
wears very little jewelry. 


THE DEBUTANTE’S MOTHER 


The débutante’s mother wears the most handsome ball 
dress possible, and all her jewels. 


TRAVELING 


A plain cloth suit with a neat shirt waist is the proper 
dress for traveling. A small or medium sized hat and 
plain shoes are appropriate wear. A one piece dress 
and an outer wrap is also fitting for travel. Comfort and 
convenience are the main considerations in traveling. 


358 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


BUSINESS 


The same style of clothes as those given above for 
traveling are most fit for business wear. 


COUNTRY CLOTHES 


Sport clothes are, of course, worn only in the country 
and should not be worn in the city. 


TA LADY'S COMPANION 


A companion wears the same clothes as any other 
lady would for the particular occasion. 


vob 


CHAPTER II 


DRESS FOR MEN 


THE CUTAWAY OR FROCK COAT WITH 
STRIPED TROUSERS 


The cutaway consists of a black frock coat with gray 
and black striped trousers and a white piqué or black 
cloth waistcoat. The coat is bound with braid, but more 
properly, it is plain. A black and white four-in-hand, or 
a black bow tie may be worn. A satin faced.lapel is worn 
on a more formal occasion by an elderly man. A silk 
hat, black patent leather or calf skin shoes with or with- 
out spats complete the outfit. 

The frock coat with striped trousers is worn at a morn- 
ing or afternoon wedding to church in the city on Sunday 
or at any formal daytime function, or as an usher at a 
wedding or as a palibearer. 


THE. TUXEDO 


The Tuxedo is a worsted suit, the coat of which is cut 
straight and held with one button at the waist line. The 
‘lapels only are satin faced, but if it is shawl-shaped, the 
whole collar is made of satin. The braid on the trousers 
should be narrow. It is not necessary, however, to have 
braid on the trousers. A plain black tie, of sill or satin, | 
white enamel stud buttons or black onyx, a plain black 
or white waistcoat, and an opera, straw or felt hat as 

360 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


worn in the country, completes the outfit, excepting the 
shoes, etc., which are exactly the same as for the formal 
dress. A very thin watch chain is permissible. 

The Tuxedo is worn at most dinners, at informal 
dances, at informal parties, at the theatre, when dining 
in a restaurant or at home, but never on formal occasions. 


eon Ubi OR SS 


Evening dress for men consists of full dress worsted 
suit, with satin facing and collar, either lapels or shawl- 
shaped collar and wide braid on the trousers; other trim- 
ing would be in bad taste. A plain white linen waistcoat 
with white linen and white lawn tie are, of course, part 
of the correct dress. Pearl shirt studs are decidedly 
evening dress. Elaborate, but inconspicuous, waistcoat, 
stud and cuff link sets are permissible in America. Hand- 
kerchiefs must be white, mufflers either white or black 
and white, gloves white buckskin, gray doeskin or khaki 
color. White kid gloves are worn at the opera and at a 
ball. The pumps, shoes or ties are patent leather, and 
the socks are plain black silk. The walking stick is plain 
with very little or no ornamentation. The handle may 
be either straight or bent. A silk hat and overcoat are 
always worn. The overcoat is worn in the summer 
time also. A very thin watch chain is permissible. 

Full dress is worn at evening weddings, at a ball, at 
a formal evening entertainment, at the opera and at a 
formal dinner. 

The wording of the invitation will disclose whether 
the affair is formal or informal; the formal invitation is 
always worded in the third person. 

361 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


THREE PIECE SACK SUrn 


The three piece sack suit is worn to business and for 
traveling. It is also worn at informal daytime occasions. 
A dark blue or black suit may be worn by a guest at a 
morning or afternoon wedding, but not by the groom, best 
man or ushers. 


HOUSE SUIT 


The house or lounge suit was devised to provide com- 
fort for the gentleman on an evening at home. It is 
very much like an evening suit, but looser, and the coat 
has two buttons instead of the usual one of the Tuxedo. 
The purpose of the suit is to provide a change for 
evening—but it is not to be worn elsewhere but at home. 


SPORT CLOTHES 


All kinds of fancy tweeds, gay colored socks and ties 
are permissibly worn in the country. Flannels are to be 
worn for tennis, and knickerbockers with golf stockings 
for golf. Silk, cheviot, or flannel shirts with soft collars 
attached are worn with all sport outfits, 

The riding clothes of a man are conservative and 
should fit perfectly. English boots or leggings are worn, 
but they must be of reai leather and highly polished. 

Sport clothes should be worn in the country only; for 
all kinds of sport. 

The blue coat and white flannel trousers are worn to a 
luncheon, to church and to informal affairs in the country. 

362 


~ CHAPTER III 


DRESS FOR SERVANTS 


LADY’S MAID 


A lady’s maid wears a black skirt, a laundered white 
waist and a small white apron, the band of which buttons 
in the back. While traveling, she wears a small black 
silk apron. 

The afternoon dress consists of a black shirt waist with 
white collar and cuffs. The lady’s maid usually wears a 
black velvet bow in her hair. 


VALET 


The valet wears an ordinary dark business suit, with 
a black tie. 


PARLOR MAID, HOUSE MAID, WAITRESS 


The parlor maid, house maid and waitress are always 
dressed alike; in plain cambric, with large white aprons 
with high bibs and Eton collars and no cuffs. For the 
afternoon they wear black dresses with white collar and 
cuffs, and small white aprons with or without shoulder 
straps. The waitress dresses for luncheon. Neatness is, 
of course, requisite; the white parts must be white, and 
the black parts spotless. 


363 


THE BOOK OF GOOD MANNERS 


BUTLER 


In the morning the butler wears an ordinary blue or 
black sack suit with a dark tie. When serving at the 
door in the early part of the day, he wears black trousers 
with gray stripes, a high cut double-breasted black waist- 
coat, and a black swallow-tail coat with satin on the 
revers, a white stiff-bosomed shirt with standing collar, 
and a black four-in-hand tie. 

At six o’clock the butler changes to evening dress, 
which differs from a gentleman’s in that there is no 
braid on his trousers, the satin lapels are narrower, and 
the waistcoat is black, but the tie white. 

He does not wear jewelry other than white enamel 
stud and plain cuff links. In the afternoon, however, he 
may wear a thin watch chain. 


FOOTMAN 


The footmen wear livery of the color scheme chosen 
by the people of the house. It is usually in harmony 
with their motor cars. 


364 


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